Intimacy, Vulnerability, Safety

On Thursday night, after Malignus and I had returned home from the various things we’d done that day, he called me into the bedroom. His tone was very gentle, but the words that he chose left no room for confusion. “Come into the bedroom and shut the door,” is Malignus for “it’s time for a spanking.”

It was the 31st, and therefore time to finish up the remaining spankings from New Years. There were five days worth of spanking left to be accounted for. Instead of grabbing a handful of random implements like he did last time, though, this time, Malignus was simply holding one: the hairbrush.

This particular hairbrush is a formidable adversary. It’s an antique, oval shaped brown ebony hairbrush that WearYouOut gave to me as a gift, and it’s as solid as a rock. It has a fairly small spanking surface compared to some other hairbrushes. Being totally honest, it’s probably my favorite implement that is currently in our collection. Hairbrush spankings just feel right to me. They work perfectly for OTK and they have the traditional and domestic feeling that I really prefer over the more BDSM-y feeling implements. There’s also the fact that a hairbrush was the first implement which I was spanked with all those years ago, which gives it the highest level of familiarity to me. This particular hairbrush is a favorite because while it’s very emotionally comfortable for me, it hurts like a sonofabitch. It’s one of the most severe OTK implements that we own. I’m all about the combination of feeling emotionally comfortable while being physically pushed towards my limits, and this is an implement which works well for that.

The hairbrush in question is balanced on my back after PTL and Heather Green gave me my first ever spanking with it at Shadowlane.

As warm as my feelings are towards that hairbrush, it certainly causes my stomach to flop whenever it’s about to be used. The idea of getting five sets of 67 swats with it was a little intimidating, to say the least. Still, I was excited. I really wanted a spanking. It had been absolutely freezing outside that night: -32F after the windchill and I had been outdoors and walking through the snow far more than I would have preferred to. I felt chilled to the bone. I could think of nothing that would warm me like a spanking would.

Malignus sat down on the bed and set out pillows for my face as I bared myself for the spanking. I was wearing layers to protect from the cold: jeans under a sweater dress. I decided to take my jeans all the way off, then pulled down my panties and gathered my dress at my waist. Then I got over his lap. Malignus rubbed my back gently for a moment and then announced: “I’m going to spank you now.”

The first line of conversation during a spanking starts the tone of the scene for me. “Hold still, I’m gonna hit you with stuff” is the start of a lighthearted or arbitrary spanking. “Why are you getting this spanking, Alex?” leaves no question in my mind that the spanking to follow will be chastising. “I’m going to spank you now” makes me feel instantly submissive. In the context of a scene, just hearing the word “spank” sends a shiver down my spine. It makes the spanking feel very real right away, and gives me a sense of safety and security. The calm and confident assurance that I’m going to be spanked makes aware that while the spanking is something that I personally desired, it’s happening because it was decided by him, and that’s a feeling that gives me a lot of comfort.

The spanking itself was hard, and it hurt in a way that only a spanking given to me by Malignus with that particular hairbrush has ever hurt. It’s a deep penetrating hurt which buzzes and sparks and burns. As often happens, I met the beginning of the spanking with some resistance: mostly whining and wailing sounds and some wiggling. At one point, when I became particularly vocal, Malignus reminded me that “it’s supposed to hurt.” In some contexts, that sounds trite, almost mocking. Here, it was reassuring and gave me a positive reminder of what I wanted from the spanking. I wanted it to hurt. It wouldn’t be a “real” spanking if it didn’t. I tried to focus on that fact, instead of on the areas of my mind which wanted to escape from the pain, which didn’t want to accept the spanking.

After what felt like a long time, Malignus stopped and told me that we were 3/5ths of the way through the spanking. It felt to me as if the entire thing should have been done by then, but this information gave me a feeling of resignation. Following this, we had a conversation which made me feel significantly more vulnerable, but also very safe and submissive. He asked me if I wanted the rest of the spanking to be on my bare bottom or if I’d rather redress. He assured me that the rest of the spanking would be with the hairbrush, and reminded me of just how much that hurt. I knew what I wanted: that I really did want to be bare and vulnerable and that I wanted the spanking to hurt as much as possible. The trouble was in saying this. Malignus gave me as long as I needed to “really think about what I was saying” and gently rubbed my back as I thought. This pushed me over some sort of edge. I felt the rest of my resistance crumbling, and with it, a lot of the stress that had accumulated through regular every day life. I started to cry. There was something different about starting to cry during a part of a spanking that wasn’t physically painful. It felt…pure. I felt genuine with myself, like I wasn’t keeping anything back. It was at that point that I asked to be spanked on the bare, so he began to spank me again.

I perceived the next “set” as being much harder than those that had come before, but this was probably because of my mental and emotional state. I tried hard to represent the submission that I was feeling internally in the way that I was responding, but I’m not sure if I did this ideally or not. I know that I cried, and I cried away all the things that were feeling wrong in me. When the fourth set was finished, Malignus told me that he’d be finishing up with his hand. Hand spanking is the most intimate thing for me. I obviously don’t mean this in a sexual way, but I feel the strongest connection, the most closeness and the strongest form of physical communication from an OTK spanking with just a hand. This was perfect then. When he finished the final set, we exchanged our final “Happy New Years!” statements, although I hardly remember this. He then went on to spank me more, just because he felt like it.

When it was finished, I felt positively edified. It’s the only word I have for it. I felt like I’d not just spewed out all the stress that was in me in the form of tears on my pillow, but I’d instead replaced it with some sort of tranquility and a renewal of strength. I know that this might sound almost silly, but it was a profound experience for me.

It’s really wonderful to be loved.