So, this Kink of the Week post is blatantly late. I don’t know if it will even get posted up on the KOTW page, as it’s technically Tuesday of the new week now, but I wanted to write about this topic anyway, so I think it’ll be a worthwhile post even if it “doesn’t count” in the end.
This week’s topic is “real” (as opposed to “play”) punishment. Discipline and punishment are things which I’ve always been open about as existing in my life. They’re a huge portion of what I get out of TTWD, yet I’ve only written about disciplinary scenes a handful of times over the course of the past two years. Usually, I’ve included the story when what I did wrong can be retold in a way which is comical, like this post from a long time ago or my recent “Target Incident.” This is because I find actual punishment to be very private, personal and intimate. I used to feel very uncomfortable sharing this aspect of my life with the general public. Now, I feel a lot more comfortable with it, although I sometimes don’t want to talk about the things that I’ve done to require the punishment. So this shall be my first post ever which is explicitly about this.
Spanking first entered my consciousness at an incredibly early age. I remember no inciting incident, simply a burning obsession to know more about it and a feeling of secrecy and shame about my ever developing “interest.” All of the thoughts I had and the fantasies that I made up were about disciplinary spankings, as was the entirety of the media that I encountered that had spanking in it, although that was extremely sparse. In my mind, spanking was a very, very serious thing. It was a severe punishment, the ultimate sanction, the consequence of the worst behavior. As I became a teenager, I craved guidance, structure and discipline in my life, longing for the feeling of being loved and taken care of that I imagined would accompany those things. Spanking as part of sexual activity didn’t occur to me at that time. Spanking as something fun and enjoyable seemed like a weird and alien idea. This contributed to my early confusion about my desires. I characterized this activity as something entirely unenjoyable, but desired nothing more than to experience it for myself.
When I turned eighteen and I *did* get my first spanking, it was for demonstrative and introductory purposes. After that, my relationship with SF (my first Top) was entirely disciplinary. It allowed for a lot of space, which is to say that he never policed me. I simply came to him and self-reported about the things which I had done which were against the standards which we had mutually agreed upon and he punished me for them. The relationship was very sterile and austere, with an understanding of affection and caring between us which was rarely expressed. We were kind of an odd pair, me and SF because he’s Forever The Most Serious Man Ever (SF stands for ‘Serious Face”) and I’m patently ridiculous, but he had a pretty decent amount of patience for my antics and I enjoyed his stern nature. It was really, at the time, everything that I wanted because it was everything that I had ever imagined that a spanking relationship could be. I did my best to be good. I sometimes was not, and when that happened, I was soundly corrected.
For the first five years (I think) that I was getting spanked, it was only by SF. After he went back to England and, a little later, I moved to Los Angeles for the first time, I started to venture into the scene there. When I did, I had trouble with my identity and I struggled to identify what I actually wanted. At first, I attempted to find someone to replace SF, which I found tremendously disappointing. Everyone wanted something different from spanking. Some people wanted dominance. Some people wanted sexuality. Some people wanted to embrace and explore the younger, more vulnerable side of me. Some people wanted to do complicated roleplay. Some people just liked smacking a girl’s bottom without any reason for it. It was during this time that I realized that needing to be punished and needing to be spanked weren’t the same thing. Both were real and valid needs, but spanking could be a variety of other things. With my play-partner, J, I explored playing “just for fun” and did my first forays into roleplay. I explored arbitrary and enjoyable spankings with a variety of friends that I met in the local scene, many of whom weren’t spankos, and therefore had a vastly different attitude towards playing than that which I was used to. Eventually, I met Malignus and began to question whether or not I was actually interested in submission. I determined that I was and began the process of exploring that with him.
While punishment was a fairly significant part of my first D/s dynamic, I’m not going to go into the details of how it worked between Malignus and I. At the time that I started blogging, Malignus and I discussed what parts of our relationship he was comfortable with me posting about and we decided that the details of my punishments were too personal to be written about, although I sometimes asked if it was alright for me to post about a particular scene (like the post I linked to earlier) and he always agreed. Although our relationship has ended, I am going to continue to honor this agreement because I feel that it would be disrespectful and “the wrong thing to do” not to. It’s not like there was anything secretive or mysterious about this aspect of our relationship that others shouldn’t know about. That’s just what we decided at the time, so I’m sticking to it. Punishment certainly wasn’t the center of our relationship, though, and I’d say that it was probably the least common reason for me to be spanked, as the most frequent spankings were arbitrary, goal-based or D/s centric, reaffirmative scenes. This was a huge change from where I’d started out, but it was a positive difference, as I had expanded my options for what a spanking could mean.
Fast forward to the present time: I’m extremely comfortable with my role as a submissive, and as I continue to grow in the my spanko identity, I’ve branched out to embrace forms of play, atmospheres and additional kinks that I would have never thought I’d love so much when I was first starting out in my exploration. In my relationship with Paul, punishment is both something that we play with for mutual enjoyment and something that can be as serious as can be. Playing with lighthearted punishments for silly things by no means dilutes the actual act, and it’s just as important to me now as it was when it was just a daydream.
Sometimes, punishments happen immediately after the punishable behavior takes place (like in the “Target” story). Other times this isn’t possible, and I’m punished later that evening (usually right before bed) if that’s an option. If not, the offense and the requisite discipline are entered into a notebook entitled “Alex’s Behavioral Record” and the punishment is meted out at a later date. The “book method” of dealing with things was the only way that punishment was delivered when we were in a long distance relationship: things got recorded and then, when we saw each other, those things were addressed. I really, really like the fact that things don’t get forgotten just because “too much” time has passed since the original behavior. It’s obviously more effective for me to be punished as quickly thereafter as possible, but the inevitability of knowing that at some point, no matter what, I’m going to get corrected for the things that I do that I shouldn’t gives me a marvelous sense of security.
Basically all of my punishments are corporal, ranging from OTK spankings to a series of hard smacks on the insides of my thighs to strappings and canings. Since all these activities are also part of our “for fun” play, the only differences are atmosphere, tone and mood. Being punished makes me feel very vulnerable, and Paul takes a very stern approach towards punishing me (which I like very much). Often times just the scolding brings me to tears, and when I’m in that headspace, there’s very little pleasant about the spanking that follows. I say “very little” instead of “nothing” because being punished makes me feel particularly loved and taken care of, and I do enjoy that feeling, even as it’s happening. Being disciplined almost always makes me cry, and afterwards the seriousness of the actual punishment quickly melts away and I climb onto Paul’s lap, sometimes continuing to cry for a bit as he tenderly comforts me and assures me that I’m a good girl again. Everything is right in the world during those moments, and I couldn’t feel safer.
As much as I enjoy “for fun” “play” punishment, and as ultimately positive and edifying as the experience of being discipline is for me, at the end of the day, I want to be a good girl. I want Paul to be proud of me, and I do my best to avoid getting into real trouble. It’s intricate, the way that something which is so enjoyable in a different setting can be made truly punitive, but it’s not a novel idea, nor is it a particularly rare phenomenon.
I hope that this is at least somewhat articulate: I’ve just recovered from having been ill, and I’m struggling to get caught up, so I wasn’t able to really draft this the way I usually do for posts that are this wordy, and I was getting really tired by the time I was finishing it. I’ll be posting more about other aspects of this topic in the future, so stay tuned. ♥
Absolutely loved this post! The way you described your thoughts about spanking when you were younger, the later shame you experienced, and the unrelenting want for discipline/structure that started in your adolescents was so entirely relatable. I would definitely describe punishment as a need in my psych rather than a want. It is so hard to understand everything about these needs and desires, especially the parts that I love and hate at the same time. Punishment definitely fits into that category. As I have gotten more into the scene, I have been able to find the type of spanking which is by far the most enjoyable for me: funishment. Because that need for the spanking to be for something is still there, but being in actual trouble is not fun at all. I still need actual discipline in my life, but as much as I crave the punishment, sometimes all it takes is a small correction like a look or a phrase to fulfill that role. Other times, I just need the full out spanking, corner time, lines combination to make me feel loved and secure. Whatever my need may be for each day, this will forever be one of my (if not my main) top kinks. Thank you for writing, I enjoyed it 🙂 xoxoxo
Oh Bad One, how I do adore you! Thank you for your kind and well thought out comment.
I agree that funishment can be the best of both worlds. It satisfies part of the craving for punishment while allowing me to be good and you to be your closest approximation of it, and no one to be disappointed. At the end of the day, it isn’t the same, but it’s certainly a lot more fun. 😀
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Fascinating reading, Alex. Many spanking people are harder on themselves than another person could ever be. I’m glad you have Paul to tan your hide and let your own self be the sweet young Alex.
Hi Alex, I only met you for a brief moment at CM., but I want you to know I enjoy your writing and wish the best for you. I also met Paul who I think is a great guy and am happy for the both of you. Hope to see you again maybe at BBW.
Brad, thanks so much for your comment! I’m very lucky to have the kind of discipline that I need in order to go on being my happy self!
Puggybear, I enjoyed meeting you and hoped we would get to hang out a little more: maybe next time. I tend to sort of flutter around these things, so it can be hard. I’m not *positive* that I’ll be at BBW but I’m seriously considering it. If so, we’ll have to catch up a bit there! 😀
I am so enjoying reading everyone’s posts on this topic, and yours especially. In fact I have c&p’d a few snippets to my own piece of writing that I am pondering on the topic. So funny that I thought I had nothing to say on it (since I don’t have such a dynamic) and yet…I have TONS that I have been thinking about it (which thoughts and ponderings this post has definitely instigated even more.) Thank you, thank you for writing about it so articulately (if you are ill it doesn’t show in your writing.)
Hope you are feeling better soon. Wish i could make it to BBW this year to see you again!
I enjoyed reading your piece and seeing your thoughts on my snippits which you included! It’s exciting to write something that has an influence on someone else’s thought process.
I’m feeling better now, finally! It was quite a process. I’m not sure if *I* am going to make BBW this year, but if I do go, I’ll certainly miss you there. I hope our paths cross again sometime soon, though! xox
I think you shared your perspective and experiences very well and in a way that was easy to read and understand. Particularly striking (no pun intended) was how the same actions had such a different effect depending on the reason for the spanking and how it is delivered (play vs punishment). I’d noticed similarities in a few other posts by people who partake in the dynamic.
Thanks for your comment, Malflic! I was surprised by how many of the posts in this topic expressed similar feelings to what I experience. 🙂
“The only differences are atmosphere, tone and mood.” – That makes a lot of sense to me. Great post!
Thank you, Sammi! I so appreciate your comment!
Love this post! One of my faves.
And what an adorable pic!
Thanks, Kenzie! There’s something so sweet about that photo, isn’t there? It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside when I see it!
Alex you have a lovely spanky blog ,love and spanks,Timx
real punishment spankings is best kind if you ask me iam sure you enjoy getting real punishment one more then those fun and silly spankings right
you have adorable great spankable booty who need all spankings it can get iam sure you get so excited like little girl jumping up and down when your going get spanked
This was an insightful post. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to some of the feelings you describe. It’s interesting watching how the evolution of even our most basic desires play out.
This post encapsulates so much of what it is that is unique, in terms of relationships, about the things that you do – and that you implant so effectively into the minds of those who read your comments and view your photo collection.
Very enjoyable and positive writing that is extremely readable – and not just on account of the subject matter.
Thanks for this comment as well, Nick. Your words made me so happy to read. I do think that this is one of my best posts yet, my thoughts just really came together this time!