So, for the entire year of 2013, basically, I’ve been trying to get caught up on ALL my adventures and I’ve pretty much always been at least a month behind. I want to write about ALL of them. I want you to know everything. A lot has happened in the last six months. I traveled to Los Angeles, then I went to Las Vegas for the Fifty Freaks Party, from there I went to England and Holland on a month long adventure that changed my life forever. Following England, I attended Boardwalk Badness Weekend, spent a day in Kansas City doing whipping scenes for Whipping Films that tested my limits to the max, then headed to Texas to spend time with some of my favorite people. Later that same month, I went to Denver with Amoni, then for two weeks of precious alone time at a cabin in the mountains with Paul, then to Florida for the first time for the Florida Moonshine Tropical Beach Party. From there, my friend Morgan drove me and another friend, Stella, back to Texas, on a road trip through several states I’d never visited before. In Texas I had more adventures, hanging out with Mila, Ten, WearYouOut and LilLawBrat until it was time for the Texas All State Spanking Party. I came back to South Dakota after TASSP and hung out there for nearly a month, although I did head up to Minneapolis at one point to shoot for Bondage Mischief. Then last week I drove to Chicago for the Chicago Crimson Moon party. Now, I’m in Sioux Falls for the night and then heading to New York and Philadelphia.
There’s a flaw in this system. I want to tell you guys EVERYTHING exciting that happens. I want to share every shoot, every amazing scene with a friend, every adventure that I take off on, every moment where a spanking pushes me in some new direction and brings me closer to the goal of knowing myself. I would like to document every single spanking I get, period, if I could. I want to do this because I love these moments and I want to share them with you, and because I never want to forget them. At the same time, I want to write posts like this one or this one that aren’t part of the narrative: I have always referred to these when talking about what I’m going to write when as “theory posts.” I’ve even started to write spanking fiction again, and I might want to share that from time to time, too, if there’s an interest. Because I usually only post two to three times a week when I’m home and may go an entire week without posting (oops!) when I’m traveling and have limited internet access, there’s no way I’m ever going to get caught up at this rate. The last narrative post that I shared was about the first night that Paul and I arrived at the cabin. A lot of things happened when we were there. I could easily make twenty different posts about adventures, experiences, scenes and things I learned about myself in that time frame. This means that, at that rate, I’ll literally never be caught up, especially if I want to talk about things that aren’t related to “the story”.
Essentially, what I’m saying is that I have too many things to write about and I’m going to take a break from working through every single thing that happened. I’m going to skip ahead to Crimson Moon, write a series of posts about that and then write about what’s happening or has just happened at the time that I’m writing. This saves me a lot of stress, honestly, and makes my posts more topical. If there comes a time when my life ever dies down (HA!) I’ll go back and write about some of the favored memories from the past. In addition to blogging, I also journal privately, so it will be easy to adapt some of that for the public.
So, I’m going to take a deep breath and put those other adventures on hold. I’m also considering doing one post a week as a video blog, especially when I have a friend around. This would likely be in addition to my written posts. I’m curious to know how people actually feel about video blogging, though. Do people actually watch them? Would you rather just read stuff? Please share your thoughts and feels.
In the meantime, I’m continuing to update my tumblr after a hiatus. You can always use the “Ask Me Anything” button there to inquire about things you’d like to hear about. Additionally, you can leave questions in the comment section (whether or not they are related to the subject matter of the post) or email them to me at email@example.com . I think it’s important to have as much dialog as possible between me and whoever is reading this!
I’d also like to thank everyone who was supportive regarding my Pornography Rant. It’s become one of my top 5 most popular posts in just two weeks time, and I think this is hugely important. It’s one of the things I’ve written that I’m most concerned with people reading. So thanks to everyone who shared that.
I’m very sorry to bog this down with self-promotion, but I do still have one or two session and shooting openings when I’m in New York and Philadelphia. Hit me up via email if you want to be in on that. I’m hoping to have a wonderful trip.
You’ll hear about Crimson Moon SOON! Now I have to take a bath and pack and eat something for the first time today. Yikes. 0_0
I have a lot of posts coming up that detail a lot of the adventures that Paul and I shared while we were at the cabin together. I’m not going to share everything that happened: some stuff is personal and intimate and wonderfully just-between-us. Before I move on with those stories, I want to talk about something amazing that I discovered in the first few days that we were together. Because I’m me, I’m going to talk about this by way of a complex extended visual metaphor that involved me doing a small arts-and-crafts project.
This is the fact that Paul and I are amazingly compatible as partners.
The most basic way of thinking about compatibility in the spanking scene is to look at compatibility of roles. When I first made my Fetlife profile, when I was just a sort of lost 23 year old spanko bottom living in Los Angeles and trying to meet Tops because I hadn’t been spanked in about 6 months, I got a lot of messages from people who didn’t know anything about me except that I liked to be spanked. I was presenting myself like this:
|In case you can’t tell, this is a very simple looking puzzle piece which reads “I want to be spanked.”|
The men who were messaging self identified like this:
|The text reads “I want to spank someone”|
Therefore, in their mind, the puzzle of compatibility worked like this:
|I want to be spanked/I want to spank someone. Fits together perfectly.|
There are times when this is actually the way that the world is, such as when playing casually at parties. When it comes to having a relationship with someone, though, my puzzle piece looks nothing like the gray piece I was presenting originally. It’s more like this:
|“My needs are both complex and specific”|
I have all sorts of weird things about me. I have a lot of very specific things that I like in the scene. I need to be spanked, but my spanking needs are not entirely straight forward. I sometimes need to be very seriously disciplined. Other times, I need to be beaten just because my Dominant partner wants to. Sometimes I want to be able to pace the scene myself, asking for the next stroke when I’m ready for it. Others, I want to be entirely overwhelmed and out of control. In still other cases, I want to be treated very tenderly, spanked in a way which is more of a love act than a painful proceeding. I have my entire sexuality, which is a very complicated thing. I have all the intricacies of my personality, vanilla interests, tastes, personal history, habits and behaviors. Sometimes I’m incredibly childish. Others, I’m fiercely independent. I think that I’m pretty wonderful, but wow, I’m weird, and there’s no denying it. All that zig zagging shows different ways that I want to interact with a person that I love.
Occasionally, I meet someone who sounds like they might be a good match, but in reality, it’s more like this:
|“This works, right?!”|
The pieces looked relatively similar at a distance, and they do KINDA fit together. Some of my bumps are too big for the the openings on the other side, and vice versa. There are whole areas at the top that are just differently shaped. (Note: this isn’t meant to be any particular person from my life, it’s pretty hypothetical). This is a person who I can be friends with, and I can play a bit with, but it’s never quite fulfilling. Maybe this person wants really deep, BDSM-y D/s, which is similar to what I want but just not the same. None of my weird flanges at the top are being met, but that’s okay, because I don’t need everything from everyone. There’s an empty space on the orange side, too, where I just don’t fulfill that need. No, this doesn’t quite work. It’s not bad, but it’s not quite there.
What a lot of my scene relationships end up being like is this:
|“This DOES work!”|
All the parts that mesh do so properly. There are just areas that aren’t fulfilled. In this case, the other piece is a lot simpler than me, it’s someone who happens to have less complex needs, but this could work with another crazy looking piece, too (honestly, it’s mostly artistic limitations -_-). The parts that work, work really well. The parts that don’t can always be fulfilled by someone else, some other relationship. That’s the beauty of poly, right there. No one is expected to be everything to everyone. There’s also no reason why I need all the bumps being bumped against at once. This is a really nice way to be compatible with someone.
Once in a while, I meet someone like this:
|This is awesome.|
EVERYTHING on this side is lining up perfectly and working really well. I’ve experienced this a few times in my life. It’s a wonderful, fulfilling relationship where neither partner is left wanting for something within the expectations of the relationship. (The top parts on both pieces aren’t closed in with something, but based on the shapes, there’s no way that was possible. This might be a really nice D/s relationship without a sexual component, or a vanilla romantic partner, for example. There was never the expectation that the other side WOULD work). I totally cherish these sorts of relationships. You can see the way that the pieces look almost seamless together, and you can try to imagine how that feels. For a long time, I was quite sure that this was far more than most people could expect to find. I think that even these kinds of relationships are probably pretty rare.
There’s something else that’s possible, though:
|I realize this is super hard to read. Worst handwriting/photography skillz ever. “This fits! This fits! This fits! This fits! Even this weird bit here fits! and this, too!”|
This is basically a visual representation about how I feel regarding Paul and I. As the first few days that we spent together went on, I was in a haze of disbelief at just how well we worked together. We’re so compatible that it’s eery. He likes the things that I like about myself. The little weird habits that I have are cute and endearing to him. Even things that I’m shy to admit are usually met with “I like that a lot.” Not only do all the different sorts of things that I want to have in a relationship work, but Paul has an uncanny ability to know what sort of interaction I want when. This will be obvious in some of my later posts, but he seems like his understanding of me is magical.
NOW THE METAPHOR FALLS APART: what this doesn’t mean.
– First, no people are actually perfect for each other. I’m not delusional. I know that we will sometimes argue and get annoyed with each other, because that’s what humans do. We’re also not the same, just complimentary. This is especially obvious in terms of our everyday interests. I know the location of all the pandas in domesticity in the entire world, and can tell you way more information about them than you want to know. I’m quite sure that Paul doesn’t actually care about pandas. But what being compatible in this way means is that he likes that I like this. He finds it cute. He encourages it. He’ll sometimes ask me panda related stuff and listen to me talk about them. He’s gotten me ridiculously adorable panda related gifts. Likewise, Paul is really interested in dams and hydroelectric power. That doesn’t actually rate particularly high on the list of “things I’d ever care about normally.” When we were together, though, I really enjoyed going to the places that he was interested in because there were aspects of it that were neat to me (outdoors, the ability to learn about something, he possibility of meeting some sort of animal on the way, et cetera) and, more importantly, because I like that he likes that. I can’t describe why. It’s just so… him. He would like something like that. I also enjoy seeing him interested. I like watching him do the things and listening to him talk about the things that make him happy.
-In the images, there is no longer any room on the puzzle pieces. I didn’t suddenly start believing that there was one person for everyone, or having some sort of monogamous feelings. This isn’t meant to devalue other relationships. This is insanely important to me. My existing relationships didn’t lose any value to me just because I started another one that I’m really excited about. There isn’t a way to show the overlap of gratification, the enjoyability of the differences between each partner, the nuances of my amazing set of relationships. I’m not trying to say that my relationship with Paul is better than the other relationships that I’ve had before/currently have. It’s just that this is the only time that I’ve had a single partner that’s ENTIRELY compatible with basically all my needs. This is partially because we respect one and others’ needs to have other people in our lives.
I hope that you’ve enjoyed my complex visual metaphor and that it makes some sort of sense to you. Making the puzzle pieces helped me to better understand the way I felt about these things, so it was at least good for that!
I’m going to reasume my narrative tomorrow (I have my next post written, too) but I’ve decided I’m going to share this here. I wrote this post on tumblr, in response to a fellow tumblr user who posted a piece of original writing content talking about how sad the lives of people who make pornography are and expressing a lot of judgements that are based on facts that just aren’t true.
I don’t often respond to poking like that with a rant. In fact, I basically forced myself not to get involved in the comment threads on several posts on similar topics recently because I knew that I’d get impassioned and angry and get less work done because I’ll be constantly refreshing the thread. But this one just got me between the ribs and I HAD to write this. It just happened.
Because this is a repost from a different forum, it’s much more generically written than my usual prose. There’s no cast page on my tumblr. There’s no expectation that people who read it when it’s been reblogged will even have any idea who I am. So I sound a little different than I usually do here. It’s still me, though.
Posting here will also allow people who aren’t tumblr users to comment on this post if they want to.