After I graduated from college, Rafa and I moved from the East Coast to Los Angeles. We did this by driving my trusty and most beloved car, Sandcat, in route which was carefully planned so that we could visit a number of significant people and do lots of fun stuff on the way there. It was my first significant road trip, and I was certainly hooked on them right away. While we were traveling, we stopped to visit a friend of my biological father’s and his wife. We lingered there for a while due to the calm and relaxing nature of their home. They live in the woods, close enough to get in the truck and drive to town but far enough away that one feels entirely alone on their land. At first, the quiet was terrifying to me, but as I became comfortable with the sense of stillness, I came to focus on the hum of cicadas at night, the rush of a deer moving through the branches, the smell of the Earth or the tranquility of the slow moving river. I found a sense of peace there that I had simply never been aware of in my life until then.

During a conversation with one of my hosts, he talked to me about internal stillness. He took an index card, and on one side he wrote “Be everywhere, always.” He then turned it over and wrote “Be here, now.” He gave this to me, and reminded me that this was a choice that I had the ability to make. I could decide to simply exist in the place and moment I was in, regardless of whether or not I was cut off from cell phone reception and surrounded by natural beauty. I kept this in my mind, but it took me another couple of years to take the full meaning of it. It’s a lesson that Malignus taught me early in our relationship, and which I have needed to be reminded of many times since then.

I tend to want to be everywhere, always. This has only been made worse by the fact that I have a wonderful array of friends and lovers who are literally spread across the globe. This weekend, someone I love had a hard day. I wanted to be with her. Another group of my loved ones and friends got together for a party which seems to have been an incredible amount of fun. I wanted to be with them. Yet another very special friend is celebrating a huge milestone in her life right now. I wanted to be there with her.

Physically, due to the fact that I’m not a super-human, I don’t have a choice whether or not I’m everywhere, always or here, now. If I had that ability, this situation would be different. Instead, I only have the mental ability to choose where I will keep my focus. I can split my attention between the hundreds of things that need doing, the myriads of people that I love and the adventures that I could be having or will be having in the future. Or, I can choose to focus on my here and now and belong in the moment I’m living. This is a battle for me. It’s something that, I hope, if I spend enough time working on will eventually become second nature to me. I’ve been stressing recently. I’ve had a lot of things going on. By focusing on the here and now, I’ve been slowly starting to relax and unwind, to calm my feelings and to keep my attention where it belongs.

This is also something which is very relevant to spanking for me. My brain is often in a lot of places. I’m worrying about ten things, thinking of what I’m going to write about next, what I’m going to cook for dinner, whether all my bills are paid, who I said I’d call, whether I’ve kept up all my obligations for all my Bosses of Me, who I miss, where I’m going next et cetera, et cetera. I used to find that a spanking was difficult to take until it got to a point of intensity where it overwhelmed me and therefore pushed all these other things out of my brain. Once I reached this place, I was able to give myself over to it better and get much more out of it.

After Shadowlane, when I returned home after six weeks of being away, Malignus spanked me in a way that was very loving and which made me feel very much at home again. Before he did so, I got in position over his lap with my bottom bare and was prepared to be spanked. He then instructed me to put away all my adventures, all my memories and stories and to choose, essentially, to be there and then. He lead me to focus on making the choice to put all those things away before the spanking began. I felt much safer, more vulnerable and, more than anything else, much more calm at the onset of that spanking, instead of having to struggle through things until the point where the spanking overwhelmed me and pushed them away. It was a very important lesson, and one which I’ve tried my best to keep in mind for all spankings since then. Because, really, for a spanko, what moment is more precious to linger in than a spanking? Sure, it can be scarier and often more painful if you give it your full focus, but that’s really the point. I’d certainly rather have a more pure experience than one which is watered down by the rest of my life. Choosing to be relaxed at the onset of a spanking also allows me to leave it in a more elevated space as opposed to simple using the spanking as something to return me to an even keel.

Does anyone else find that they have these sorts of problems focusing on the here and now? I can’t imagine that it’s uncommon. We live in a world of interconnectivity, of long distance friendships, of tweeting and texting and live feeds. Even when we physically shut down our computers and put down our phones, our minds are often still functioning at this speed and in this manner. Fellow bottoms, do you find that a spanking can center your mind? Does anyone else have the experience of needing to be overwhelmed in order to let go? Do you do anything to keep yourself here and now while being spanked? Or is this not an issue for other people? Does just the sight of your Top with an implement in hand snap you back to reality, or is your complete attention something that he has to work for? I’m curious to know others’ experiences. πŸ˜€

20 Responses to Be here, now.

  • Yesss, this is a huge problem for me too. I have terrible anxiety and insomnia, as you know, and I think it’s mainly because I just can’t stop worrying and thinking about EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME. I wish I could say spankings have cured it, but they haven’t. They do allow me to forget and let go in the moment of the spanking though, if done right, and that’s probably a big reason I enjoy them so much.

    • It’s a tough situation, but it’s really lovely when a spanking cuts through all that stuff, isn’t it? We’re lucky to have such a versatile tool in our lives. πŸ™‚
      <3 you!

  • Only spanking gives me that feeling of being here now. I get really alert and focused when I’m being spanked.I have to admit it is really hard for me to shut off. Even with medicinal help, my mind is always running.

  • Very intriguing post. It makes a lot of sense and explains a lot about your world. In a world where everyone is multitasking to some degree, I can appreciate the struggle for focus. Thanks for sharing this

    • You’re welcome! Yeah, you definitely see the effects of my brain running in a lot of different ways at once when trying to interact with me online. It just gets difficult for me to do one thing when I get too many tracks going. Ideally, I want to learn how to keep using my brain constantly, but organize things so that I’m being productive and efficient at it, not running around like a chicken with my head cut off. πŸ™‚

  • I definitely have this problem. Way too much. I like this post, a lot. <3

  • well i wish i could experience my first real spanking s i had been spanked few times but never what i actually want or need i wouldnt mind being in spanking relationship with a female who like being spanked or willing to try it out with me and spank me or let me spank her. even so i be more happy if i was one getting the sore butt from being spanked i have be hontest even i say i switch i more want be one bending over

    happy you been able find somebody who love and take care of you to help keep you in line nothing be ashame of either

    madison ohio’
    age 41

    • Hi Mike,
      It’s an awesome experience getting your first “real” spanking! I hope you’re able to find the right woman to give it to you, soon!
      You’re right, I’m SUPER lucky to have such a wonderful partner. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for commenting! I really appreciate hearing from you!

    • Hi Alex

      thanks for your reply to meee and i have heard getting first real spanking is awesome bleive me i keep trying for a female cant seem find one make me cry and want give up

      iam iwlling have or let any of your female top who spanks give me god spanking so pass my name around please

      i knew i be right about you have just wonderful partner and you know when he spanks you he doing cause he love you and deep down you know you desver the spankings

      madison ohio
      age 41

  • Alex, you’re definitely not alone in this. I’ve had trouble “staying in the now” for years, long before the whole Internet/cell phone thing. It’s a strange personality dichotomy. Being a proofreader, I have to be extremely focused on my work, which I am. But remove me from that realm and I’m all over the place, in my head.

    Spanking does indeed center me and make everything else go away. Not right away; I find that during warm-up, my mind sometimes still wanders. But as the intensity builds, my head settles and there is nothing in my world but my top and this moment. It’s blissful and so freeing. And I always wish it could last. If I could bottle that effect, I wouldn’t need meds anymore!

    • I hear you on wanting to bottle the effect! There are a lot of different parts of a spanking that I’d like to be able to instantly access– that focus, the relaxed feeling which makes me want to go to sleep after a hard scene, the snuggly, connected feeling… then again, having to get spanked to get those is certainly not a bad thing! πŸ˜€

  • I don’t think you are alone in this problem. It is hard to turn the mind off for a bit and quit worrying about thing, good and bad. Spanking can center me but my spanker has to work for the attention sometimes more than others. And this reminded me to go pay my cell phone bill, so thanks for that too! πŸ˜‰

    • Sorry it took me so long to respond to these comments. I somehow missed them! It’s so nice to realize how many things that seem anomalous are, in actuality, quite common. Glad I could help with the phone bill!

  • Great post, Alex – sorry I’m late to it. Ironically (or perhaps appropriately) I have had way too many things going on lately to spend much time online!

    I am another who can totally identify with the sensations you describe: wanting to be in multiple places at once; the difficulty in focusing on the ‘here and now’; the wonderful feeling of grounding (no pun intended) that a spanking can provide.

    I think that the compulsion to be ‘everywhere’ is certainly exacerbated by our modern lifestyles – compare the global, 24/7 nature of the internet with the necessarily more localised social lives of our equivalents 200 years ago, for one thing – but I think it is also the product of a desire to please; an internalised imperative to Do Good. It wouldn’t surprise me if subs were over-represented in this group, but I don’t think subbiness is necessarily a precondition: we are all of us inculcated from an early age on the desirability of endeavour, sociability, responsibility, you name it.

    If we ‘everywhere-ers’ habitually default to fretting about 101 things other than ourselves, I would venture that it’s in large part because we (unconsciously) consider focusing on ourselves rather than those other things a selfish act. As you so rightly note, a spanking takes the choice to be elsewhere – the choice to fret – out of our hands; it frees us to be centred for a time. Just another reason why they rock! ;D

    I guess the only things I can offer as advice (to myself and others) are i) be organised: staying ahead of the game is much easier than playing catch-up, ii) remember that you’re only human, and can only do so much, and iii) it’s alright to make time for yourself sometimes!

    • Hi Penelope, sorry I somehow missed these comments!
      Your outlook on things seems to be spot on, and your advice is very good. It’s true: it’s very important to accept the need to make time for one’s self. I try to make sure that I spend at least an hour a day doing something entirely selfish. πŸ™‚
      Thanks for commenting.

  • I can absolutely relate to what you describe. I also always have thousands of things on my mind which have to be planned and organized. Often I am scared when thinking about the future and all the challenges to come and I can hardly relax for a longer time. Spankings allow me to switch off the organizing part of my brain for a while and to live in the here and now. Only the kind of spanking that I need in order to achieve this is a bit different from the kind you seem to need. When I am stressed and a spanking is too challenging, I shut down completely. In order to let go, I need a gradual build-up which allows me to get into the flow and to feel good and empowered. Then I can forget all the plans and fears for a while. πŸ™‚

    • It’s interesting the ways in which we’re similar but with differences. πŸ™‚ The build up can also be very nice, but I personally need the push. It’s very good to know yourself that way, though.
      By the way, nice work on Dreams of Spanking! πŸ™‚

    • I have only discovered your reply a few minutes ago. Thank you, Alex, I’m glad you liked the Dreams of Spanking clip! Pandora is wonderful to work with. She provided the safe environment that I needed for doing such a severe scene.

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Oh, Hai!


Los Angeles, California, United States

First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

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