So, for over a week now, I’ve been working on a post about whether or not there are forms of play, especially emotional or mental play, which are inherently abusive or universally unacceptable and questioning whether there are limitations to what can be consented to, even when all parties are adults who are fully mentally capable of giving their consent. I’ve questioned what sorts of activities are appropriate to do in a “blanket consent” or “generalized consent” relationship when one has given a general surrender of power instead of negotiating specific activities.
I don’t know that I’m ever going to be able to finish this post. It’s probably the most difficult thing I’ve tried to write.
This is partially because I’m scared that this will look like I’m trying to point fingers, or that I’m writing this with an agenda, which I’m honestly not doing. I’m not trying to say that I was abused, or that someone I know was abused, or that there was a specific situation I was involved in or witnessed recently where consent was not appropriately given. My thought process for this post started because I described a form of play as being “abusive” recently, and then started thinking about whether it’s possible for any one thing to be inherently so instead of being different in any situation. I don’t want to cause any outrage or hurt any feelings. I’m trying to write carefully and deliberately with this in mind.
This is also partially because of my writing style. When I’m ruminating on a theoretical topic, I tend to pull in examples using anecdotal evidence from my life or from other people’s activities that have been shared with me. I feel like it’s unfair for me to do that in this situation because then it puts these activities under the scrutiny of “was this abusive?” and no one wants that. That isn’t fair to anyone, nor is it generally appropriate. When you remove all the specific descriptions from the text, you’re only left with a series of questions to which I don’t have any answers:
Are there things that can’t be consented to?
Is consent valid when a person doesn’t fully know or understand what they are consenting to?
Is consent valid if it’s given when a person has already been brought into subspace?
Are there any activities that simply shouldn’t be done?
Do we ever have the right to judge other people’s activities?
If the same activity can be both positive and abusive depending on context, are there any aspects that influence this besides consent?
For now, I’m going to keep the rest of the post that I’ve worked on as a draft. Maybe I’ll eventually come up with a way to finish it. In the meantime, I’d like to pose these questions to all of you. I’m curious to see if you have any answers. ♥
On a daily basis, I happily answer questions about lots of different things in my comments, ask box on tumblr and email. Usually, these questions are related to logistical things (where can I find a particular video, when will you next be visiting my area et cetera) or questions about my life, history and interests (which implements I prefer to be spanked with, whether I was spanked as a child or not, how I got into the scene et cetera). I do my best to answer everything that I get, although questions that are too personal or that request information which isn’t mine to give out get skipped over. There is a pair of similar questions that I consistently get, and I’m going to answer them on the public forum so that the information gets out there. That said, because I’m discussing people other than myself, these answers are intentionally vague.
The first question is “What happened to Heather Green/Michaels? Is she ever going to make more videos?”
Usually people sound a bit worried about Heather’s video making cessation, and ask if she’s alright.
Heather is doing quite well, but has retired from modeling. She’s happily living out some of her life’s greatest dreams at the moment, and has chosen to stop doing films in order to focus on her vanilla pursuits. Heather still has one unreleased video that I know of: a scene that I’m also in which will be coming out on Northern Spanking at some point in the fairly near future. That said, she won’t be making any new films, so that will likely be the last “new” Heather Green release. We’ll all miss seeing videos from her, but I’m very glad that she’s happy and well. ^_^
The second question, similar in nature is “What happened to Spanking Debs and Firm Discipline? Where can I purchase those videos?”
Firm Discipline is currently off-line and the content that was held therein is not available for purchase anywhere at the moment. Debs has taken a break and stepped back from video production. I don’t know if this is permanent or if she’ll be back. I also don’t know when or where the existing content will be available again. I’m under the impression that it will be for sale again at some point, although I don’t know the specifics. I’ll post more information when I have it. In the meantime, you’ll just have to wait and see what happens. I’m sorry I can’t tell you more, I honestly don’t know the answers to this. Several people have asked me if I can distribute the Firm Discipline scenes that include me. The answers is that I am not able to do that. Sorry!
I know that this is a far less interesting post than that which I usually have! I just wanted to share this information and let you all know the answers to these questions. If you have any other questions (about anything, really) feel free to leave them in the comments or email me at email@example.com
I’ve been trying to get through a ton of the adventures that I’ve had recently, and I find this kind of a struggle sometimes, just because I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff that I have to write about and I want to get it done before anything else noteworthy happens, which means that I *certainly* want to get it finished and published before I leave for Chicago Crimson Moon. I’ve also recently gotten kind of addicted to using my tumblr, which is chock full of instant gratification and horribly distracting. -_-
I recently sat down and wrote a bunch of stuff at once, except that all of those posts are waiting on one thing or another that I need to get from other people. During this time, I had a skype date with my friend Peachy Keane (the girlfriend of my previous Dom, IG/scotchgrove, and a close friend of mine for several years). While we were talking I complained that I was feeling kind of burned out on what I was writing and I needed a break. She created this game for me, to give me a chance to write about stuff in short answers that’s at least moderately interesting (I hope!) but is easy and straight forward for me. I had fun with this, and I hope you have fun reading it. As always, if you have questions you want me to answer, you can leave them in the comments, email them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org or put them in my inbox on the above-linked tumblr. I do enjoy this stuff. 😀
Ten bands or musicians you listen to the most often:
According to my iTunes, it goes like this:
1) The Mountain Goats
2) The Smiths
3) The Clash
4) Jets to Brazil
6) Bright Eyes
7) Red Hot Chili Peppers
9) Nine Inch Nails
10) Smashing Pumpkins
I also listen to an awful lot of Smog, but I only ever really listen to one track by them, so that shouldn’t count. There are several bands like that. There are a ton of bands that I’ve gone through phases with, but these are the ones that I’ve listened to pretty constantly since college (which was nearly five years ago, because I’m ridiculously old now. -_-)
Nine positions you’ve been spanked in:
When I first saw this question, I almost insisted that Peachy change the position of this question to be a different number because I was pretty sure that there just *weren’t* nine spanking positions. Some creative thinking lead me to the following list, though. This list is in no particular order.
1) OTK, and variants
2) The “legs up” position.
3) Lying flat on bed, or over pillows.
4) Standing, unsupported, or with hands against wall.
5) Bent over in what’s meant to be the touching toes position, but I can’t actually do that.
6) Kneeling on all fours.
7) Standing on a raised object like a step ladder or a crate (this is my all time least favorite possible position, because I have a horrible fear of falling over while being spanked).
8) Bent over across some sort of furniture item.
9) The wheelbarrow position.
I then thought of a whole bunch more than nine positions, including lots of variants and I was rather pleased with myself.
Eight cities you’ve visited this year:
1) London, England
2) Las Vegas, NV
3) Los Angeles, CA
4) New York, NY
5) Atlantic City, NJ
6) Denver, CO
7) Daytona Beach, FL
8) Dallas, TX
That was kind of just a sampling. I’ve been to more than eight places this year. I’m a very lucky girl to get to do so much traveling. 😀
Seven things you’re looking forward to:
1) Hanging out with a friend tomorrow.
2) Fireworks exist, and I’m probably going to have them in my life soon.
3) My 26th birthday is on July 6th. Birthdays are always nice, although this isn’t a significant one.
4) Chicago Crimson Moon.
5) I’m specifically looking forward to a rather complex school girl roleplay that The Bad Alex, Jon83 and I have planned for that party.
6) Shadowlane. Anyone who isn’t looking forward to Shadowlane isn’t going to Shadowlane.
7) Going back to England in January.
Six things that weren’t your original kink but you discovered you enjoy:
1) Riding crops. I originally found these to fall into two different uncomfortable categories: things that felt really BDSM-y and things that I associated with animals. I still don’t find them visually appealing if just anyone is using them, and I don’t think they make sense in a lot of scene contexts. The cheap, sex-store type makes me go -_-, and I hate it when someone uses one like a cane with a little thing on the end, but I’ve found places where they fit into my kink well. Very well indeed.
2) Being held down. I still don’t really get into being bound, but I originally didn’t like to have ANYTHING keeping me in place besides myself. It was a pride thing. I wanted to be so super-well behaved that I was able to be still for anything (although this was at the same time in my life as I broke a lamp with my Pikachu slipper by sending it flying off my foot in a kicking frenzy, so I’m not always consistant). Once I got over myself (a little, let’s be fair here :P) I realized that I love the feeling of being manhandled into position and firmly held down, having my hand pinned to the small of my back, or my wrists pinned above my head, et cetera.
3) Resistance. Again, I originally wanted to give myself over to everything quietly and calmly. I later discovered that I can really get behind a scene where I protest and struggle and have to be beaten into submission every now and then, if it’s something my partner and I have pre-negotiated.
4) Getting hit on the front of my legs. This has become a huge kink for me, but originally I didn’t want anything to do with it. It felt weirdly inappropriate because it wasn’t on my butt.
5) Kneeling. I was at one point really uncomfortable with the idea of kneeling for any reason. It seemed way to BDSM-y for me, and I resisted the idea a lot. Bit by bit, I went from being comfortable with it to finding it to be wonderfully passive and soothing feeling, in the right context (and only once in a while).
6) Getting hit on the hands. Brain! Why did you even write that?! Horrible. Ugh. WTF, me! I don’t enjoy that. My brain can’t lie to me and say that I do, honestly.
Five spanking photos that don’t involve you that you have saved to your computer:
I originally didn’t want to answer this. I wanted to ask Peachy to give me a different question instead. This is one of the most tremendously vulnerable things that I think a person can ask me, and I’ll probably make an entire post about why at some point. These are the pictures which, over the years, I’ve felt the need to save to my computer to view again. I don’t really do that very often anymore, and my collection has constantly changed over the years because I’d get ashamed (or need the disc space) and delete them all. Here are the requisite samples, though:
|Another reason I felt weird about doing this is that I have NO IDEA of the source of some of my photos. I’m super sorry. If this photo is yours, or you know where it’s from, please let me know. I found and saved this photo fairly recently. The way both parties are dressed and the park bench setting work for me. I also really enjoy having faceless photos sometimes, because then I don’t have to think about someone I know, because honestly, I probably know at least something about most of the people who show up in mainstream spanking photos at this point.
|This photo is from Girls Boarding School and it’s some years old, although not as old as some of the stuff I used to keep on my computer. I’m so sorry that I can’t ID the model. This really makes me feel sad.
|I kind of picked a representative photo from this set from Northern Spanking at random, because I like literally all of it. It’s really visually pretty, and I have a crush on Paul. People consistently tell me that I can’t have a crush on someone anymore after they become my partner, but I so do. I see a photo of him and I smile and blush like a high schooler. This makes my life great, because I often run into pictures of him on the internet when I don’t expect to, and it always makes my day. I also run into pictures of him on my computer when I do expect to, because one of the ways that I manage missing him is by enjoying media containing him.
|I’ve had a severity kink since always, but I think I may have been more interested in photos that showed girls looking really marked up, especially if they had marks on their thighs, before I started actually playing and in the early years of me getting spanked. I went through a period of time where severe marking was one of my biggest concerns in photo selection. This one from Pain Toy fit that niche a lot. This no longer really matters to me, because I know how marking works, that it isn’t really a sign of severity as it is about the girl being spanked’s body, and I know what filming is like. Now, I care a lot more about certain themes and aesthetics showing up in pictures and videos.
|Except for sometimes, of course. This is what it looks like: it’s a screenshot from a video on Nimue’s World that I took on my phone. I recognize that this is probably super lame, but this is from my all-time favorite spanking video (entitled “I’ve Seen You” and involving Paul and Nimue), and I watch the hell out of it. I don’t think most people would expect this to be my favorite video, because it’s TREMENDOUSLY dark and I don’t talk about that part of my kink as often. I think the fact that I’ve done very little with this part of my kink in the real world is the primary reason that I’m so damn obsessed with watching videos that indulge it.
Four things you’ve tried in the scene but don’t really “do it” for you:
1) Bondage. I’ll do it for videos, but in my personal play, I only either want to submit out of my own free will or be forced and pinned by my partner’s body.
2) Counting, or having to talk a lot while being spanked particularly hard. Again, I *can* do this, but it’s really difficult for me.
3) Being cold while being spanked. I’m beyond over that shit. No. No. No. No. No. No more. Except I’m going back to England in January. So probably yes. I’ll just cry a lot.
4) Anything relating to my nipples. That’s just horribly painful and not in a good way. Ugh.
Three people in the vanilla world you idolize:
1) John Darnielle
2) Terrance Malick
3) Kimya Dawson
Two things you should probably get in more trouble for doing than you do:
1) Some days it feels like I get in less trouble than I deserve for messing with Mila so damn much. Other days, it seems entirely balanced. Even more days, it seems like it’s horribly unfair and it’s all her fault.
2) I pretty much tell on myself for everything that I do wrong, so this question is sort of boring.
One cat that you are obsessed with:
1) Fatface. Fuck yes.
I know I haven’t been posting as often as I usually do, recently. This is largely due to the fact that I’ve been going out of town (but still in my general area) nearly every day and it’s been throwing off my usual schedule. Still, I know I’ve been a bad blogger, so please forgive me!
I’ve had a few things happen recently that have made me think about baring. The thought process started when I was filming for Real Spankings recently. It was up to me if I wanted to take my caning and paddling on the bare or over my jeans. It was one of those choices that wasn’t hard to make, but was hard to admit to myself. I knew that I wanted both of them to be on the bare from the moment that I was given the choice. I just spent a long time stewing over this before finally admitting it.
It is a counter intuitive thing to want, really. Why would I rather be spanked in a way that offers less protection? It got me thinking. The truth is, baring is a very important part of the ritual of a spanking for me, and it is one of the things that makes a spanking feel “real” to me.
|Me being paddled by Danny for “School Swats” on Realspankings.com
At home, when Malignus is going to spank me, I’m usually expected to get into position without being directly told. At this point in our D/s relationship, a considerable amount can be communicated silently, and hesitation is usually met with just “the look.” Part of getting into position involves baring. It’s not something we ever talk about. It just happens. A couple of times, he’s started spontaneously spanking me and has sort of pulled me into position and pulled my panties down rather roughly before continuing, but that’s certainly the exception. This works for me, especially in our relationship. I think that part of the reason why I like baring is because it makes me more vulnerable and it’s usually something which I do myself. This makes it part of my active submission, and helps a great deal towards my acceptance of a spanking.
In other scenes, though, I can really enjoy having my panties pulled down for me. In a scene that was recently released on Northern Spanking, there are a few shots of Stephen Lewis pulling my panties up to expose my sit spots first, and then down to spank me entirely bare. They’re some of my favorite spanking photos of myself now. Something about the way in which he’s pulling the fabric puts me right back into that headspace, and I can feel the sudden rush of vulnerability that comes from realizing that my panties are coming down. Every time I look at these, I shiver with delightful fear:
|Me being spanked by Stephen Lewis, from Northernspanking.
At parties, I often play with my panties still on, especially with people that I don’t know. This is because I don’t necessarily want a spanking to hit all my buttons when I’m just getting to know someone. I need to have trust in order to have vulnerability. I need to have a reason to feel safe with a spanking that feels very real and intense. It’s not a rule that I always want it this way all the time.
It’s funny: despite all the things I’ve written about on this blog, all the videos I’ve done and all the experiences I’ve had, this is the post that has been the hardest for me to write. It makes me squirm a little. It makes my tummy feel a bit funny. It hits on something very key to my spanking experience, and makes me blush a little, sort of the way that I still have trouble saying the phrase “bare bottom spanking” aloud sometimes. There’s something a bit cute about that shyness, I guess, but it does make me a little bit awkward. As a result, this post will be shorter than usual, but will have taken me over twice as long to write. C’est la vie.
What are your thoughts on baring? Is it an integral part of your kink? Does it make you uncomfortable? Do you associate it with intimacy? Am I the only one who finds it slightly embarrassing to talk about? I want to know. ♥
I recently did a post in which I went through the search terms which had lead people to my blog and pulled out those which were in the form of questions and then answered them. Upon recent inspection, this has lead to many more questions being asked me. I’ve decided to keep doing this. I find this fun. This is almost like formspring!
Can an adult punishment spanking produce tears?
Yes, it absolutely can. Will it? Not necessarily. Many people, however, even those who don’t often cry from spankings in other atmosphere, find that disciplinary spankings bring them to tears. I pretty much always cry if I’m being disciplined, even if it’s not with a spanking. I hate the feeling of being in trouble!
Can a mermaid be spanked?
If a mermaid was real, I’m certain she could be. It would just have to be above the surface, since I know from experience that it’s nearly impossible to spank underwater! 🙂
Can you spank yourself with a sjambok?
I think that a sjambok is probably the worst self spanking implement possible. It’s too long and rigid to actually properly reach your bottom with it. A very flexible leather implement such as a well worn belt might work, but hand held items like wooden spoons and hairbrushes are pretty much the best for self spanking, at least the way I’ve done it.
Do lexan paddles cause permanent harm?
Any implement can cause permanent harm if used improperly. A lexan paddle, at least a thick one, is very heavy and therefore carries a greater risk of injury than a lighter implement. It isn’t something I’d recommend a novice Top experiment with, and it’s not something to go into fearfully for the bottom. If you’re worried enough about it to google it, you should probably pass on it. There are plenty of other implements out there.
Do you feel more feminine after a spanking?
It’s not something I’ve ever thought about before, but I suppose I do in a certain way. I do feel very aware of my femininity when I’m having my skirt lifted up and my panties pulled down, and I like feeling like a domesticated woman, which spankings of a certain style lead me to feel. It isn’t the thing I’d ask for if I felt a need to be feminine, though. In that case, I’m more likely to put on a fancy dress and do my hair and makeup. 🙂
How much do spanking models get paid?
That depends on a lot of variables and is pretty unique from situation to situation. It’s not something that I discuss outwardly, as a general rule.
How do I accept a spanking?
I’m not entirely sure what this question means, but I think that it could be a request for advice on how to take a spanking well. For me, the answer to this comes from being passive, relaxing my body and giving up my willful feelings against the spanking. That’s what leads me to feeling like I’ve “accepted” a spanking instead of just had it happen to me. 🙂
How do I get my bottom spanked?
If you’re eighteen years old or older, I’d recommend checking out Spankfinder or Fetlife for Tops in your area, or consider going to a spanking party like Boardwalk Badness Weekend, Crimson Moon, Florida Moonshine or Shadowlane (to name a few!). There are also smaller spanking themed parties in many cities that just last for an evening but are still lots of fun. You can also try contacting a professional Top in or visiting your area if you’re having trouble getting exactly what you want.
How do I soothe a spanked bottom?
Ice. Lotion. Gentle rubbing. Sometimes, softer hand-spanking can help, too. If the pain is really severe, such as if it’s keeping you from falling asleep at night or waking you up when you roll over, I recommend taking some ibuprofen.
What are ways to make myself cry from a spanking?
The best way to make yourself cry is to focus on feeling vulnerable. I find it effective to just force myself to think about the position that I’m in and keep my mind on that. Malignus will sometimes lead me to this state by telling me to think about the fact that my bottom is bare and I am going to be spanked, or by stopping a spanking partway through and telling me to think about how much it has hurt so far. I also find that not reacting verbally for the beginning of the spanking and letting that build in my chest often brings me to actually crying instead of just wailing and yelping when I do start to react. Really, though, it’s all about being able to be vulnerable with your Top. Having that safety and trust can go a long, long way.
What should I put on my spanked bottom?
The lotion that I prefer is St. Ives with Colagen Elastin, but Lubriderm is also excellent. I’ve recently been using creams that are meant to get rid of callouses on feet, also, but not immediately after a spanking. They usually include some level of menthol, though, and I think that many people would find that to feel good on a spanked bottom. I personally don’t like to use anything that will get rid of too much of the sting, as I like feeling well spanked for as long as possible afterwards.
Why does your butt get hot when spanked?
Because more blood runs to the effected area. If a cold blooded humanoid was spanked (and, you know, if that was real), she would not experience this same sensation. Your body temperature is not actually affected by a spanking.
Why do spankings hurt?
Because you are getting hit, duh.
More scientifically speaking, the nociceptors in the buttocks receive the signal that there is damage and send this to the brain in the form of physical pain. The reason that spanking with certain implements like canes have a superficial pain at first and then a much stronger pain a few seconds after impact is because a second set of nociceptors are present deeper in the the tissues and are in place to detect injury there. It takes longer for these signals to get the brain in the form of pain.
I learned this stuff from Malignus, so I hope I remembered it properly. 🙂
Will arnica make my spanked butt heal faster?
In my experience, no, it doesn’t really do anything. A lot of people swear by it, though, but I’ve never seen an improvement in my bruises after using it.
After I graduated from college, Rafa and I moved from the East Coast to Los Angeles. We did this by driving my trusty and most beloved car, Sandcat, in route which was carefully planned so that we could visit a number of significant people and do lots of fun stuff on the way there. It was my first significant road trip, and I was certainly hooked on them right away. While we were traveling, we stopped to visit a friend of my biological father’s and his wife. We lingered there for a while due to the calm and relaxing nature of their home. They live in the woods, close enough to get in the truck and drive to town but far enough away that one feels entirely alone on their land. At first, the quiet was terrifying to me, but as I became comfortable with the sense of stillness, I came to focus on the hum of cicadas at night, the rush of a deer moving through the branches, the smell of the Earth or the tranquility of the slow moving river. I found a sense of peace there that I had simply never been aware of in my life until then.
During a conversation with one of my hosts, he talked to me about internal stillness. He took an index card, and on one side he wrote “Be everywhere, always.” He then turned it over and wrote “Be here, now.” He gave this to me, and reminded me that this was a choice that I had the ability to make. I could decide to simply exist in the place and moment I was in, regardless of whether or not I was cut off from cell phone reception and surrounded by natural beauty. I kept this in my mind, but it took me another couple of years to take the full meaning of it. It’s a lesson that Malignus taught me early in our relationship, and which I have needed to be reminded of many times since then.
I tend to want to be everywhere, always. This has only been made worse by the fact that I have a wonderful array of friends and lovers who are literally spread across the globe. This weekend, someone I love had a hard day. I wanted to be with her. Another group of my loved ones and friends got together for a party which seems to have been an incredible amount of fun. I wanted to be with them. Yet another very special friend is celebrating a huge milestone in her life right now. I wanted to be there with her.
Physically, due to the fact that I’m not a super-human, I don’t have a choice whether or not I’m everywhere, always or here, now. If I had that ability, this situation would be different. Instead, I only have the mental ability to choose where I will keep my focus. I can split my attention between the hundreds of things that need doing, the myriads of people that I love and the adventures that I could be having or will be having in the future. Or, I can choose to focus on my here and now and belong in the moment I’m living. This is a battle for me. It’s something that, I hope, if I spend enough time working on will eventually become second nature to me. I’ve been stressing recently. I’ve had a lot of things going on. By focusing on the here and now, I’ve been slowly starting to relax and unwind, to calm my feelings and to keep my attention where it belongs.
This is also something which is very relevant to spanking for me. My brain is often in a lot of places. I’m worrying about ten things, thinking of what I’m going to write about next, what I’m going to cook for dinner, whether all my bills are paid, who I said I’d call, whether I’ve kept up all my obligations for all my Bosses of Me, who I miss, where I’m going next et cetera, et cetera. I used to find that a spanking was difficult to take until it got to a point of intensity where it overwhelmed me and therefore pushed all these other things out of my brain. Once I reached this place, I was able to give myself over to it better and get much more out of it.
After Shadowlane, when I returned home after six weeks of being away, Malignus spanked me in a way that was very loving and which made me feel very much at home again. Before he did so, I got in position over his lap with my bottom bare and was prepared to be spanked. He then instructed me to put away all my adventures, all my memories and stories and to choose, essentially, to be there and then. He lead me to focus on making the choice to put all those things away before the spanking began. I felt much safer, more vulnerable and, more than anything else, much more calm at the onset of that spanking, instead of having to struggle through things until the point where the spanking overwhelmed me and pushed them away. It was a very important lesson, and one which I’ve tried my best to keep in mind for all spankings since then. Because, really, for a spanko, what moment is more precious to linger in than a spanking? Sure, it can be scarier and often more painful if you give it your full focus, but that’s really the point. I’d certainly rather have a more pure experience than one which is watered down by the rest of my life. Choosing to be relaxed at the onset of a spanking also allows me to leave it in a more elevated space as opposed to simple using the spanking as something to return me to an even keel.
Does anyone else find that they have these sorts of problems focusing on the here and now? I can’t imagine that it’s uncommon. We live in a world of interconnectivity, of long distance friendships, of tweeting and texting and live feeds. Even when we physically shut down our computers and put down our phones, our minds are often still functioning at this speed and in this manner. Fellow bottoms, do you find that a spanking can center your mind? Does anyone else have the experience of needing to be overwhelmed in order to let go? Do you do anything to keep yourself here and now while being spanked? Or is this not an issue for other people? Does just the sight of your Top with an implement in hand snap you back to reality, or is your complete attention something that he has to work for? I’m curious to know others’ experiences. 😀
On a regular basis, I look at what search terms get me the most traffic. I’m not obsessed with search engine optimization or anything, but I do like to know what people are looking for when they come here. From time to time, though, I sort through the less popular search terms. I’ll go through the whole list! Some of them are laughably weird. Others are more of what I’d expect. There are quite a few people that reach my blog by typing a question into a search engine. This is a practice that makes me think of my friend and former blogger Sophie, who first discovered the internet spanking world by typing “How do I get a spanking” into a search engine.
I’ve decided that I’m going to go through and directly answer the questions that were posed to me indirectly through the form of my search terms. Sounds like fun to me. 🙂
Q: How do I care for a spanked bottom?
A: I recommend referring to this post for detailed information on the subject. In the immediate short term, I recommend ice, lotion and, if available, gentle butt massage. 🙂
Q: Are spankings really enjoyable?
A: My immediate answer to this would be “fuck yes!” because to me, there’s no question. There are a lot of intricacies to this, though. For example, disciplinary spankings are by no means enjoyable, even though they are important to me and an extremely effective tool in the process of my amelioration and growth. Other spankings are only enjoyable because of the feeling of submission which they conjure up in my heart and the satisfaction of knowing that it pleased my partner to spank me in such a manner. At the end of the day, though, being spanked by someone who loves me makes me feel loved, no matter the situation or atmosphere. There are always going to be spankings that are less enjoyable: the awkward ones when getting to know a play partner, the guy at a party whose style just doesn’t click with you at all, the Top you don’t really know who accidentally crosses some kind of line, et cetera. So, I can’t say that ALL spankings are enjoyable, but as a general rule, yes, spankings are awesome.
THAT SAID, I am speaking from the viewpoint of a true, hardwired spanko. I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like for someone who is not one such to experience a spanking. I would imagine that for someone with other interests in bottoming in the kink community, it could be anything from a nice change of pace to slightly humiliating to downright strange. Those who aren’t already interested in having painful things done to them would probably be extremely shaken. I can’t begin to fathom what it would be like for a vanilla person to experience the kinds of spankings that I do. I’ve talked to a number of Tops who really fetishize the idea of spanking a vanilla girl, but it just seems really, really awful to me (unless, of course, you only gave her a very symbolic spanking).
To finalize my excessively long answer to this, spankings are almost always enjoyable in some form, if you’re a spanko or a kinkster interested in spanking. Whew!
Q: Black nylon cane. Good?
A: I have a black nylon cane. It was a gift to me from SF. It’s one of the harshest implements I own, and it’s pretty scary. Malignus is impressive skilled at caning and he uses it well, but because it’s a very dynamic implement and has enormous flexibility, it’s very difficult to manage. If you’re a Top who is good with canes and looking for something whippy, flexible and capable of delivering a world of hurt, then yes, it’s good. If you’re a bottom, no, it’s not, unless you’re really looking to be sorry, want to be pushed to submit or are a crazy masochist.
Q: Capsaicin cream before or after spanking?
A: As a general rule, when capsaicin has been applied to me, it’s been after a spanking. I have had it applied and then been given additional swats to the area (this was on my inner thigh) and said additional swats felt horrible and made me roll around all over the floor. I suppose it could be used before, in order to make the entire spanking feel like that. Be careful to avoid getting it in eyes, nose et cetera, and not to get it on broken skin. Multiple reports suggest that this is actual torture.
Or, you know, you could be a nice person and not use it all unless you have arthritis and need to warm your joints. That’d be cool, too.
Q: Describe a spanking with an ebony hairbrush.
A: Heather W, in one of our first conversations, described it like this: “…then he spanked me with an ebony hairbrush, which, in case you weren’t aware, is no different than a ROCK.” The material which is closest in effect to an ebony hairbrush, in my opinion, is a small, thick lexan paddle. Ebony is just different than other wood, in a “oh holy mother of god, this hurts!” kind of way. It’s heavy, and hairbrushes have a small spanking surface, so they provide very concentrated pain. They’re also usually a pretty comfortable shape for the spanker to hold, so they can get a good grip and really get you with it. While I really hate being spanked with my ebony hairbrush, it’s something that I do appreciate, because it’s highly effective. It’s a formidable implement. That’s the best phrasing I have for it.
Q: Did God make the butt for spanking?
A: No. In my opinion, God didn’t make the butt for anything, because I entirely reject the belief in deities and in creationism. However, the evolutionary purpose of the human buttocks is not related to spanking, either. Rounded butts on female humans evolved for the purposes of showing off estrogen levels and healthy amounts of fat stores, and to emphasize the size and shape of pelvis and highlight the child-bearing capacity there of. Aside from protecting the tailbone, a fleshy butt seems to have no evolutionary purpose besides to look hot. The cultural evolution of the concept of spanking (both consensual and otherwise) is something that fascinates me, and which I’d like to learn more about in the future, especially as it links to the confusing nature of how, exactly, spankos came to exist.
Q: Do girls like to be spanked in tight jeans?
A: As a general rule, I wouldn’t even say “girls like to be spanked” at all, as I described in an earlier question. I’d personally rather be spanked on my bare bottom than on jeans, because of the increased vulnerability and the fact that this feels warmer and closer to the “ideal spanking” which is imprinted somewhere in my mind as a comfort zone. I do appreciate the protection that jeans can give me, and the nifty fact that when Malignus hits me really hard with a cane over my jeans, it leaves cane stripes on the denim!
|Note, I have a crazy wedgie here because my ass was swollen from getting spanked all weekend long and didn’t fit properly in my jeans at the moment this was taken.
Q: Does it make a spanked bottom feel better to rub it?
A: It won’t cure it, but rubs definitely feel nice on a spanked bottom. The appropriate amount of firmness depends on just how sore the bottom is, but I’ve never been spanked in such a way that at least light rubbing wasn’t soothing.
Q: How do you heal a bruise caused by spanking your wife?
A: Arnica is supposed to reduce bruising, but I don’t use it. I’ve never seen much of a difference whether I used it or not, and it often just dries my skin out. I find that the immediate application of ice followed by massaging and sometimes gentle hand-spanking is the best way to prevent and then get rid of bruising.
Q: Help me become a spanking model?
A: Email me at email@example.com if you want more information about this!
Q: How are cane-iac products labeled when shipping?
A: They arrive in a long, cardboard package with no spanking related words anywhere on the package. I can’t remember the name on the return address, but it’s just a kind of unusual sounding name.
Q: How old were you when you got your first spanking from your boyfriend?
A: I, personally, didn’t get a spanking from a boyfriend until I was 24 and Malignus became my boyfriend. I got spanked for the first time when I was 18, but I always had different Tops than boyfriends until Malignus. 🙂
Q: How do I hire a spanking model?
A: This is another more complex and business related question which I will answer if you email me. 🙂
Q: Is capzacin ok to use on a bruise butt for spankings? [sic]A: It is safe to apply capsaicin cream to a butt after a spanking whether or not bruising is present. It won’t decrease bruising, and anyone who is telling you so is just lying to you to try and trick you into accepting the cream. Capsaicin hurts a lot. Some people enjoy this kind of hurting, while others stand in front of a fan for hours while crying. I lean more to the side of “standing in front of a fan crying” but it’s different for everyone. 😀
Q: Should a punishment spanking cause crying and tears?
A: There really isn’t any “should” to spankings in my opinion, aside from the fact that I very firmly believe that only consenting adults should be spanked. In my case, disciplinary spankings pretty much always cause me to cry, and I wouldn’t feel properly chastised if it ended before the point of tears for some reason, and I’d probably ask to be spanked more and harder. It really depends on the person, though. Some people just can’t cry from a spanking.
Q: Should a spanking leave a woman’s bottom bruised?
A: Again, there’s no “should” here. It’s hard to bruise my bottom at this point, although Malignus did succeed at that this weekend. I used to bruise at basically a touch, so it was impossible for me not to be bruised after a spanking. Those physiological differences have to be accounted for, as do social reasons such as people who might see bruises or welts and not accept them and, of course, the preferences of both partners.
Q: What is a spanko?
A: A spanko is a person who fetishizes spanking, or a person involved in BDSM who has a strong preference for spanking related activities. A “hardwired spanko” is a person who has had an interest in or obsession with spanking since their early life and a “spanko purist” is someone who only fetishizes spanking and not other BDSM activities.
Q: Will my first spanking make me cry?
A: This really depends on you. Mine did, although not immediately. About half way into it, I started to cry, and I ended up really sobbing and bawling. This was mostly because it felt so goddamn good to be finally getting a spanking, and I was able to finally let go of all the anxiety that I’d built up around it from the time that I was a child. Some people do not cry the first time they are spanked, but later become comfortable enough with spanking, their Top, themselves et cetera to be able to cry. Some people never cry from a spanking. This is a frustration to some, but others don’t really have any interest in it. It depends on you. 🙂
For whatever reason, I had a lot of fun doing this. Hooray!
I use formspring to answer questions that are posed by friends, readers, fans, whoever. Today, I checked my inbox and among some sexual questions that I didn’t feel like answering was the following query:
Who are you really?
At first glance, it’s the simplest question possible. I’m Alex, duh. But it came at a poignant moment for me, and it had a positive influence on my thought processes for a while. It’s one of the most important questions one can be asked or ask one’s self and it’s something that has been on my mind quite a bit recently. I’ve gone through a phase where I’ve been less than focused on being my best self. This isn’t to say that I’ve been something other than myself, or that I’ve been bad or awful or something. But when I read my older writing, there’s a difference. It isn’t that I lost something; more that I misplaced it. At worst, I’ve lost a sense of focus. I’ve been withdrawn and going through some things recently, and I’ve started to come out the other side. I know that this is vague, but I’m alright with that.
To answer this question, I could point to my fetlife profile, or post a photo, or do a bunch of other things, but I think what I’ll do is make a list of what I know to be true.
When I started this blog, it was my intention to do a combination of writing about spanking, DD and D/s topics. I touch on the latter two every now and then, but they are rarely the primary focus on a post. I’m going to start trying to include a Submission Topic every week if I can. I always have a lot to say about it anyway. 🙂
So, here it goes!
For the entire time that I’ve been in my primary relationship, I’ve had submissive feelings and limited actual submissive behavior towards people besides my partner and Dominant. This has never been any kind of a problem. I’m mostly poly in all situations and Malignus is nearly perfectly poly. There are times when he’s more comfortable with the idea of me exploring things with other people than I am. Because it was always natural and accepted for me to explore and talk about submission with other people, it seemed to follow that I eventually would enter into a second D/s dynamic. At present, Malignus has five submissives, and he manages that with few problems. So when scotchgrove and I realized that we worked quite well together in terms of D/s, we began to take the steps towards making that happen.
A lot of people were very surprised by this. Apparently having a lot of submissives is fairly normal, but a submissive having multiple Dominants is not. Thinking about this brought up a few interesting points.
The most obvious reason why having multiple Dominants might not work out smoothly is that there might be conflicting rules or instructions. The question that my friends have asked me the most when finding out how things are working for me now is “What do you do when they want you to do different things?” So far, this situation has come up rarely, almost never. There’s usually a clear level of importance between two tasks: things with real world time limits have to come first, as do grossly more significant things. Unless something of those natures comes up, I take care of the things that I committed to first before committing to something else. If everything is equal, I tend to err on the side of Malignus’ wishes because he invests more in me. He’s there with me on the day to day and he’s been giving me time, energy, love, affection, violence, care, education and more for over a year now.
This is system is really no different than the way that we balance social commitments in any other situation and is mostly based on common sense: if I’m working on research for Malignus and scothgrove wants to chat, I finish my work first. That’s no different than what a responsible person would do if they were doing research for school and a friend from outside of a power exchange dynamic wanted to talk. If I’m hanging out with Malignus and scotchgrove needs to speak to me regarding something of importance, I talk to scotchgrove. The only difference is that I don’t just do these things: I seek permission to do these things. That’s also pretty easy and mostly just a way to be respectful. Because both Dominants are aware of these arrangements, they tend to be fine with things.
scotchgrove doesn’t usually make rules for me because he’s aware that those needs are already being met by my dynamic with Malignus. If he does, it’s for things that I don’t have rules about already. If both of them were to make a rule about the same thing, I’d talk to both of them to come up with something that worked for everyone involved. Basically, if everyone is on the same page, it works out really well.
There is, however, a reason why the idea of having multiple submissives makes more sense than the idea of having multiple Dominants does: that’s the flow of power. This is a concept that has been kind of hard for me to articulate, but which I’ve been bouncing around in my head for a while. I made the following really shitty diagram in Paint:
Sex is pretty much the one topic that I don’t post about. Why not? Because I don’t mix spanking and sex, and I feel like a lame-o posting about something that doesn’t have anything to do with the purpose of this blog. I know a few people who successfully write off-topic posts that are very enjoyable, but I don’t know that I’ve reached the point where I’m good enough to pull that off.
Still, sex has made itself relevant to the conversation recently. I’ll explain how in a moment. First, some background.
*I’m polyamorous. All my relationships are open.
*I’m a pansexual. A person’s genital configuration and gender identity aren’t a factor in whether or not I am attracted to them. Somehow, this does not make it easier for me to get laid in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
*My boyfriend/Dominant/primary Top/HoH/favorite person, Malignus, is an asexual. This means that he is not sexually attracted to anyone. We’re romantically involved. We don’t have sex with each other. We don’t talk about sex. I’m pretty sure he’s never seen me entirely naked (except in photos on the internetz). Because of my strict wiring against mixing sex and spanking, this makes for the ideal relationship of the sort that we have.
*I don’t want to have sex with Malignus. At all. Ever. The fact that we have no sexual interest in one and other is a point of huge comfort for both of us. I get really grossed out when people imply that we’re doing it.
*I am in two other romantic relationships, both with sexual components. My boyfriend is on the West Coast and my girlfriend is on the East Coast. I have not seen either since I left California.
*Compared to other people interested in sex, I have a pretty low sex drive. Compared to my spank drive, I have like, no sex drive. I’d be pretty happy with having sex once every week or two.
*I have not had sex with another person in four months.
Four months got to be a bit much for me, and sex got to be on my brain again. I decided to start looking into finding a sexual partner. This has proved extremely challenging.
Here’s the thing: I want to date outside of the BDSM community here, for two reasons. First of all, I’m really lame and vanilla in bed. I do not like to have sex that hurts, even a little bit. If someone smacks my ass during sex, well, they’ve ruined it. Any accouterments of “the scene” (even dumb, sex store versions of them) just don’t belong with sex for me. Sorrryyyyyy! The second reason is drama. The scene here is my primary social circle. Sex between friends can lead to drama. It is my goal to avoid that at all costs.
Due to the second reason that I’ve listed, I don’t want to date people that I work with. Unfortunately, that leaves me with no other people that I know. So, I did what I did every time I’ve moved to a new city: I started a page on okcupid. In New York and Los Angeles, that quickly produced matches in the 90 percent range with interesting, educated people. I uploaded a quick couple of cell phone photos and started to fill out my page.
|See the watermark? I left that there to prove I’m really on a dating site!
My page here was kind of like my fetlife profile, only without mention of spanking and way more pretentious/geeky. I’m sure you’re wondering how both those things are possible. I’m not linking to my vanilla identity (even if it doesn’t include my real name at all) here, so you’ll have to use your imaginations. I then answered 75 of the “match questions” in hopes of making the things that are important to me clear.
The site didn’t fail to disappoint me: within 20 minutes of completing this, I got a message from a guy who seemed to be on the opposite side of the fence from me on every issue possible, including things like religion, politics, evolution and birth control. The message simply read “your sexy.” I’ve yet to find any person on there who seems to share any of my actual interests, besides an interest in wanting to have genital contact with another person. How hard is it to find someone who likes Foucault, Terrance Malick, The Mountain Goats, homemade bread or pandas?! I’m not saying I want them all, just one!
The extreme lack of eligible mates in the vanilla dating pool leads me to the main problem, and the reason that I brought the s-word up in the first place. How the hell am I going to find a person outside of the scene who is going to be comfortable with my lifestyle? There’s no way that I can hide it from them. On any given day, I’ve got bruises on my bottom. Furthermore, why would I want to be involved with someone with whom I cannot share this very base part of me? The problem is with finding someone who is willing to accept what I do without wanting to do it with me.
I guess, at the end of the day, I can’t look too hard. My current plan is to consider all my options and not limit myself so much, and be less afraid and more open about who I am with people that I meet. The idea of being more “out” has been pretty appealing to me once I got past the point where I was ashamed of myself as a spanko.
I know that a lot of people don’t have the same sort of arrangement as I do in terms of separating sexual partners and spanking partners, but still: how has dating worked for you, as a spanko? Did your current partner know about your spanko-nature when they got involved with you? How did you bring it up?
Well, talking about sex was awkward. I blushed. The best thing to do when things are awkward is to show the internet your boobs, right?
Today’s Valentine’s day. Both Malignus and I have to work, but we’ll be doing something special earlier in the day. It will probably involve A) romance and B) spanking. Win-win. Expect a more spanking-heavy post tomorrow. 😀