I’m a pretty confident girl, right?
Back-tracking through the stories I’ve told on this blog, I’ve been photographed topless in Manhattan in the winter, done my first spanking video as a model, traveled to San Francisco to attend the Folsom Street Fair, shot with several other spanking production companies, gotten hot wax poured on me, a needle shoved into my body and cups full of suction on my back and moved across the country.
My image appears in various states of undress and bruisedness quite a few places on the internet. I’m perfectly acceptable showing a lot of sides of myself in photographic form.
Publicly, I’m as okay with being this girl:
As I am being this girl:
An amazing read as usual. From what I understand from speaking to other spankees, you’re not alone in this regard by any means. Some spankees get anxiety just having to say the word “Spanking”. So what you’re describing is perfectly understandable.
hello, omg girl u described me in a few things..except when i see a spanking or hear one i get excited and pissed cause i want it to be me..spanking for me started as aat least 5 if i remember right got curious but didnt get obssesed with it untill after my 2nd grade teacher spanked me for acting like a brat, it made me cry but after that i keep thinking about it and it just would not go away. So i started to look at movies, books, pictures with anything realted to spanking and told nobody and the few friends i told they said yr nuts and crazy, i caught myself doing things to get into trouble to get a spanking, but when i know its going to happen and it had happened in the last month i get butterflies, nervous and excited. but as the years went by i just needed to fullfill my drug with spanking i couldnt get nobody to spank me worth a darn, and i asked alot alot of people lol. I need to be spanked if i dont get spanked in a week i go crazy and nuts i get anxious and i have to fill the drug lol, being on fetlife and joining 2 local clubs has changed my life i’ve waited all my life to find friends who feel the same way i do and u are not alone..I am so jealous that u got to be a spanking model i would luv to be one i always have and have gotten turned down in the past by spanking compaines who said i wasnt pretty enough or didnt look like a playboy model but its their loss..when the internet came about i spent hours looking at so many different spanking sites and wanting to be a spanking model. I would luv if my life was spanking spanking and more spanking because its me and a part of my soul. As a kid i used to be embarssed to talk about spanking but when i became 18 i said to myself i shouldnt be freaked out if someone called me a freak cause i luv spanking, so what it makes me happy. Yes my feeling for spanking ever since i was little has always stayed strong and always will be 🙂 yr not alone. great blog alex 🙂 i hope i didnt bore u too much and i hope my comments made u feel a little better :)) badsherri69
I think you’re doing a great job of channeling your anxiety — which heightens the whole experience, IMO — into something constructive.
There’s something I learned from therapy: there is no shame in feeling an emotion. So being embarrassed is perfectly acceptable. Take the shame out of feeling embarrassed, and some of that anxiety will lessen. I embrace embarrassment. 🙂
Love your blog.
I remember a time when I first came across a chat room of spankos and I couldn’t bring myself to even say the word spanking aloud, or in type, in that case. So my friend and I would write “sporting” when we meant spanking. Great code, right? Lol.
I don’t think you are alone in getting anxiety about things at all. You mention your feelings about hearing/seeing someone else be spanked. That’s something I really don’t like, it makes me very uncomfortable to the point I’ve just left the room to occupy myself with something else.
I’ve dealt with something kind of similar. I used to blush bright red and not be able to say any word relating to sex in a normal tone of voice. My owners had me repeat words, and instead of saying “um” in a conversation I had to say “cunt.” They also make me ask for things I want, which encourage communication as well as force me to vocalize what I want. This is my first D/s relationship so there is a lot of “whoa, I *want* that?!” I perved kinky porn sites for many years before landing in this relationship. Accepting the kinky side of me has been quite a journey. Be what you are.
That first photo of you is stunning!! Gave me some shoot ideas 🙂
I can also relate to your post!
BV- Thanks! I honestly sometimes still have trouble with saying it. Sometimes I can, sometimes… too awkward 😛
Badsherri69- I’m glad you shared! I really enjoy spanking modeling, but I’m certainly not a playboy model myself. I’m sure that as I improve myself in that area I’ll get more work.
Pink- That’s an interesting and very different view point. I’ll have to think about that 🙂
Lea- That’s kind of adorable and it makes me feel much better 😀
ShadesofBlue- Thanks for your perspective! I can’t imagine saying a difficult word instead of “um”! That sounds terrible! 0_0 I really appreciate your commenting here 😀
Cali- Send me an email whenever you’d like me to shoot, since I’m traveling quite a bit now 😀 I’m glad you can relate. <3!
It took me years to be able to say the word spanking out loud, and even about 14 years into my journey I struggle with the reality of who and what I am. I still get uber anxious talking about it face to face with anyone, but because I hate to be an idiot I try to force myself to seem nonchalant. That doesn’t really work out, I blush, I stammer, my voice fades into nothingness, and I get whiny. I haven’t really been present for anyone else getting spanked so I’m not sure how I would feel, but I’m sure that would be really hard for me also.
jenna kins- Yeah, I do the same thing: trying to sound nonchalant and coming out sounding really, really dumb. I also have a hardtime remembering to control my facial expression when just thinking about it and end up looking horrified in random situations 😛
Thanks for sharing how things are in your world. I really <3 comments and input 😀