Tricky Pervertables

I’ve often daydreamed about a world where spankos took up enough of the market that pervertables marketed themselves towards us. Imagine a world where you could read the blurb on the back of the a hairbrush and have it point out that besides having high quality bristles for hair brushing, the spanking surface on the back is made of durable wood for an excellent combination of sting and thud.

Alas, this isn’t the case. No one seems to want to admit why, exactly, people prefer wooden spoons to the plastics and silicone coated one (I’m not even ALLOWED to use wooden spoons in the kitchen!) and the world seems to think that there are people who wash themselves with brushes in the shower (weird).

There is, however, some marketing being done to spanko bottoms in a very tricky way. The people who make pervertables are trying to sell more by subtly convincing us that they won’t be so bad. The first time I noticed this trend was when I saw a particular bathbrush show up on several people’s fetlife profiles. I recently purchased this for five dollars at Walmart:

The sticker reads “Soft and Cruelty Free!”

No. Incorrect. I haven’t been hit with it yet, but I know for a fact that bathbrushes are neither of those things. I don’t think someone could make a bathbrush spanking nice if they tried.

I noticed the next one in a local cooking store and made a very scrunchy face indeed at the false advertising:

The brand on this wooden turner is “SoftWorks.” This doesn’t even make sense. It doesn’t have a soft and cushy handle. It isn’t meant to be used on something soft. It’s wood, for the love of all that is reasonable! Wood isn’t soft. I suppose wood chips could be soft, the kind one would use to line a rabbit hutch or something, but that’s the only time that wood can ever be described as anything other than hard.

Finally, my spanko-sister, PeachyKeane, sent me this as part of a care package:

I understand that this is a plastic hairbrush, but that doesn’t make it ouchless. If I’ve learned one thing in my spankolife, it’s that anything with a handle can be used for spanking and anything that can be used for spanking can be made to hurt. Even things that technically can’t be used for spanking (like a dishtowel) can be made to hurt. Don’t fall for this trap. I bet it can still be ouchful.

It’s a pretty clever method of increasing sales, though. A female bottom in the market for a brush for her hair could very well want to pick one that can’t also be used on her poor, innocent bottom. In the past, I’ve avoided this by choosing pink and girly hairbrushes that Tops wouldn’t want to touch. I’ve heard that other girls enjoy those entirely round brushes that have no spanking surface at all. Now that I’ve purchased four bathbrushes, when I put them all next to each other, the one that tells me it’s cruelty free DOES seem a little less terrifying. I’m not buying the “soft” wood, though. Screw you, wooden spoons. I’ve had more than enough of you recently! (Does this attitude come from a recent experience that has left me with residual soreness? Why yes it does.)