Alex

Los Angeles, California, United States First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

My Spankoversary is Consensual Spanking Day?!

Published August 9, 2012

I discovered via the spankoblogosphere that today is Consensual Spanking Day.
I never even knew there WAS such a day!
It is, however, an important day for me: it’s my 7th Spankoversary. Seven years ago today, I received my first spanking.

Seven years is a very long time. It makes me feel quite old, in a certain way, and also extremely lucky. In those years, I’ve had amazing times because of my involvement in the spanking community. I’ve grown from a meek and timid girl who couldn’t say the word “spanking” aloud to save her life to someone outgoing, boisterous and obsessed with putting photos of her butt on the internet.

I’d love to spend today getting a long, hard, bare bottom, over the knee spanking (okay, no matter how outgoing I’ve become, I still feel my stomach churn just TYPING that!) from someone that I’m close to and who understands me as a spanko. Unfortunately, I’m currently in Los Angeles, and away from everyone with whom I have that relationship, so that sort of spanking is going to be on-hold for a while, but that’s alright. I have the memories of billions of spankings to think of. I’ve been spanked by a wide variety of people: friends, video producers, near strangers at parties, and those precious few people to whom I’ve chosen to surrender my authority. Every experience is different– some spankings leave me feeling giggly and happy, others cozy and spaced out, others sobbing and in need of hugs. Sometimes the motivation to be spanked comes from a place of submission, other times, from the knowledge that I need to be corrected, still others from selfishness, and a few simply because I know that the end product will be something that I desire.

My point is, it’s been a wild ride so far, and I’m very grateful for all the love and acceptance I’ve gotten from you guys.

I have a couple of other exciting pieces of news:
Remember Sternwood Academy?
Need some help? Here are a few images to spark your memory:

I’ve had A TON of people message me or comment asking when Sternwood would be released and it finally has been: it’s available on DVD from Amazon and Paddles and Panties. I really recommend that you pick this up. It’s pretty much the greatest thing I’ve ever participated in as a model!

Additionally, I recently released a new, exclusive video introducing a great, new spanking model: Maddy Marks. It’s a very fun video in which Maddy and I interact as real friends, and it’s another one of those rare chances to watch me top. I know many of you are fond of girl/girl videos, so please check this one out!

She’s a really beautiful girl, with long legs and an adorable butt, plus an expressive face and big eyes!

Anyway, I’d love it if you’d check those things out!
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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Clips Store, Consensual Spanking Day, History, Maddy Marks, Mushiness, Spanking Modeling, Spankoversary, Sternwood Academy | 5 Comments

Crimson Moon, Part 2

Published August 8, 2012

On the morning of the second day of Crimson Moon, James and Korey Johnson, Zoey and I went to breakfast at Denny’s. We had a nice meal and a good conversation about non-spanking related things. I knew I was really fond of James and Korey when I discovered that I could have very enjoyable conversations with them which had nothing to do with spanking, since it’s common to find spankos with whom you connect in terms of spanking, but less so to find those with whom you wish to just sit and talk about everything else.

After breakfast, we returned to the hotel in time for the Girl/Girl Spank Fest. Well, we were almost in time: we were the last girls to show up, and as a result, we ended up all bent over an ottoman with our bottoms up to get a few whacks for tardiness.

It was dark in there. You can tell which hands belong to Zoey, because they are tiny and the object of my coveting.

The girl/girl event was a lot of fun, although there were a LOT of ladies in a small space. I spent more time hanging out with Angel, which was lovely, and I got a spanking from Megan again. This time, though, I assed her hand! It was my first time messing up someone’s hand (although it didn’t develop into such a spectacular mess as others’ messed up hands have) and I was quite pleased with myself over this.

The lovely Miss Rose of Compass Rose Creations and I played very gently together. I think that she believed that I was a delicate thing, and I was feeling far more delicate than I usually do, and was trying to save myself for the rest of the party including shooting, so this was fine with me. To make me more comfortable, she let me lie over Angel’s lap while she stood next to me and spanked me, which was quite fun. There may or may not have been kissing happening while I got spanked. I shall neither confirm nor deny this debauchery.

After the girl/girl party, Ten and Drlectr had arrived, and I went to their room to make a big fuss over them, since they’re two of my favorite people of all time. It was great to see them, and hugs time ensued. WearYouOut and LilLawBrat had also just gotten back from the store, and they brought me a present:

It’s a Hello Kitty First Aid Kit, complete with all the stuff one usually finds in a First Aid Kit, but all cuteified. Plus, it has these special “cooling bandaids” that I think are supposed to be for when one has a fever, but they have some sort of heat relieving gel that sticks to the skin… uh, yes please?! I’ve been saving everything for when I really need it, but I filled out the “in case of an emergency” card to let everyone know that they should contact Malignus if I happen to die (he’ll be most displeased with me and put “Bad Girl” on my tombstone for dying without his permission, but he still deserves to know), and that my doctor’s name is ellee. I also got another present from Ten and Drlectr, but that’s not something that one takes photos of for the internet (well, I don’t, anyway *blush*).

I did a bunch of hanging out and some spanking, and then we went to a traditional Chicago deep dish pizza place, where I ate WAY TOO MUCH FOOD. Ugh, it was excellent, but I’m still not recovered enough to eat pizza. Total overdose.

Ten Amorette, Missbehavin Megan and myself, waiting to be seated for dinner

When we got back, the CCM Spanking Court was in session. I had just missed Mila being spanked by Miss Chris for god knows what charge, so she turned around and brought a case against me for being tardy. I had a most excellent defense as to why I was late (since I had been delayed to take spanking photos in a secret location), but that didn’t save me from being sentenced to 20 swats. So over the spanking bench I went, and I whimpered and wriggled as Miss Chris delivered my sentence. Later, I received a very unique threat from Mila: “You had better stop that, or else I am going to write on a piece of paper that YOU SPANKED MY GIRAFFE!” (This was after I messed around with her stuffed animal, Henry, who I suspect will become something of a legend in the scene over time).

The rest of that evening was a whirlwind. I did an awful lot of playing with people. I got some delicious spankings that left me feeling cozy, and others that made me nearly cry. I stayed up very late and had tons and tons of fun and excitement.
By the end of the night, I was super sore and very worn out:

Sometime around 4 that morning, though, my body decided that it was not pleased with the steady diet of endorphines, adrenaline and super rich food that I’d been giving it, and I became sick. I was sick for the rest of the night, and then entirely missed the vendor’s fair the next morning because I continued to be sick. In fact, I think I stayed in bed through a better portion of the afternoon. My body simply refused to let me do otherwise. I eventually got up and got myself dressed in comfy clothing, then found people to hang out with. I pepped up when I ran into Robert Wolf after some hanging out and he told me that Dana Kane was looking for me. I basically ran down to the lobby to find her. I’ve worked with Dana during two video shoots, now, and we spent a ton of time talking during my Sternwood Academy shoot (since we stayed in the same apartment) and discovered that we share a lot of the same interests, opinions and beliefs. I can’t easily describe just what she means to me, but she’s incredibly fun to be around and her presence wraps me with a sense of comfort and belonging that few people can match.

I was convinced by a combination of Dana, Robert and Naughty Freckles to enter the Miss OTK USA pageant, so after dinner (which I didn’t actually eat because my stomach was too busy failing; Robert just brought me crackers and dessert) I had to run and get changed into my performing outfit. We all had to perform a spanking related talent, and I didn’t really have one prepared, so I decided that my talent was going to be being cute, because there really isn’t a good way to perform being an intellectual upon short notice and those are pretty much the two things that I have going for me. Dana agreed to spank me in order for me to be cute during it. The pageant made me very nervous. I don’t do a lot of performing in front of a live audience. It was a good experience for me. The acts were all very cute, clever or heart-warming, and when it was my turn, Dana came up and bent me over and spanked me with her very mean, groove-backed hairbrush, making me yelp and squirm while she instructed me to be as cute as possible. It was a ton of fun, and very nice to get a chance to be spanked by her again.

We’re total goofballs. Dana may kill me for uploading this, though!

The winner of the Miss OTK USA title was my friend Mila. She did an awesome sketch in which she ran around bopping people with Henry (the aforementioned soon to be famous spanko giraffe) until Vince came, intercepted her and lifted her over his shoulder for a spanking. He then turned her around and insisted that she apologize to everyone, which she did so in the most adorable manner possible. She certainly deserved to win, since she combined planning and effort with cuteness and acting ability to win over everyone in the room.

Miss OTK USA and Henry

This seems like a good place to stop for the night. I have a few pieces of very exciting news to announce, so I’ll be doing that tomorrow and then finishing up my CCM adventures, then moving on to my misadventures in travel and my exciting times in Los Angeles, then you’ll be up to date on my comings and goings once again. <3 p="p">

Posted in Adventures | Tagged Adventures, Chicago Crimson Moon, Cuteness, Dana Kane, Mila, Miss Chris, Sickness, Spanking Modeling, Spanking Parties, Ten Amorette | 4 Comments

Chicago Crimson Moon, Part 1!

Published August 6, 2012

Whew! The past week or so has been a whirlwind!
I just got back from my second spanking party, Chicago Crimson Moon, a few days ago, and I’m currently in Los Angeles.

I left Sioux Falls for Chicago on Thursday of last week. I hadn’t been feeling great for a few days leading up to it, and I felt so lousy in the morning that I almost didn’t want to go to the party, but I rallied and thought about all the fun and excitement waiting for me and I made it to the airport. The flight from Sioux Falls to Chicago was incredibly easy, and before I knew it, I was at the hotel. The excitement picked up for me when I got to meet Betty Crocker, with whom I’ve talked online quite a bit. We then ran into Morgan, and he let us hang out in his suite while he went on airport runs. From the pre-party time, Morgan’s suite was full of epic win, since Betty and I were hungry and he already had it stocked with snacks. I then got cleaned up and got into hanging out with people as they showed up.

Soon, a group of friends had assembled. My good friend, Missbehavin Megan was kind enough to put my hair into french braids for me. I’m not able to do anything even remotely fancy with my hair, and it was very cute indeed, so I was quite pleased with this. I also really enjoy having my hair played with, and having it styled gives me the same kind of “nice” feeling.

Yay, braids!

Later, I watched TNSpanker unpack his implement bag. He’s found some amazing pieces at antique stores, which kind of blows my mind. I’ve never found anything spanking related at an antique store, although I did get the famous Trout Paddle and a very vicious spagetti measuring device (I’d take a photo, but I’m not at home as I write this, and I have very few implements in my traveling bag with me and that’s not one of them) from the thrift store. Still, there’s nothing impressive about Trout compared to a vintage cat-‘o-nine! I guess Tennessee is just a great place to buy spanking stuff, or something! Then, having that wonderful sense of self preservation which I am so known for, I made it known to TNS that I’d never been spanked with a Jokari paddle, and he was ever so kind as to do that for me. I don’t know why a Jokari would be worse than other sorts of wooden paddles, but it seemed that way to me. It could be partially a mind-game: the whole collective entity of spanko bottoms are being subjected to mind-games about various implements all the time, because there’s this general idea that certain things suck, so we psyche ourselves up for them to deliver on their expected hurt and so they do.

None the less, the Jokari was rated as “I’m glad that we don’t own one of these” and my spanking with it was mercifully short compared to what it could have been, although certainly long enough that I really felt it.

A little later, my group of friends headed to dinner at a restaurant right near the hotel where the party was held. We had a very good meal, although the waitress declined to sing to Megan, despite the fact that I told her that it was her birthday, which is just bad form, in my opinion. It was her birthday(ish)! They should have brought her a cupcake and sang loudly to her. But the food was quite good, and the margarita which I was talked into getting was most enjoyable. When the waitress was taking care of us near the end of the meal, one of the members of the party commented that some noise sounded like “whipping.”

“Oh!” the waitress exclaimed, “it’s probably coming from the hotel over there. They’re having a whipping party this weekend!”

“Oh, really?” we all asked, without anyone giving it away that we WERE the “whipping party.”

“Yeah, I had another table earlier where they were TOTALLY OBSESSED with spanking!” she told us. We just laughed and joked about how unusual that was, although many significant glances were exchanged. As I got up to leave, she noticed that I had on a plaid skirt and added “You’d fit right in with that school girl skirt!” as I headed for the door. This made me blush quite furiously indeed.

I’m pretty sure that it was after dinner that I met up with James and Korey, an awesome couple who I had met very briefly at TASSP and who were amazing enough to let me and Zoey share their room. I really got to know them over the course of the weekend and had some fun conversations with them. They’re pretty much winners. They gave me my room key and let me get my stuff moved from Megan’s room to the place where I was going to be staying.

After that, it was time for the new member orientation, which I attended, since this was my first Crimson Moon party. At this event, I got to meet a lovely girl whose screen name is Whenshewasgood, who I spent lots of the party hanging out with, and her equally lovely boyfriend. Just like I found a group of younger people at TASSP, I was excited by the amount of young, freshfaced spankos were in attendance at CCM. There were actually people who were just eighteen years old exactly. The fact that there were also people in their late 60’s (or perhaps even 70’s, I’m not sure) in attendance at this party made the whole thing seem very special to me: there were literally people from all walks of life, all ages, backgrounds and levels of experience coming together because we are, as the vanilla waitress so perfectly put it, totally obsessed with spanking. I loved the feeling of being a part of something.

Pretty much immediately after the orientation, Mike, one of the organizers of Crimson Moon, took me into one of the little booths that were set up for semi-public play and gave me a spanking. It was one of those nice, long lasting hand-spankings, and although I whimpered and squirmed quite a bit, I really enjoyed it. We planned to get together for a longer scene later, but because we were both quite busy people, that never came to fruition. There’s always October for that, and I have no complaints regarding the scene that we did have! There really is nothing in the world like an OTK hand-spanking. It left me feeling warm and snuggly.

Even later that evening, there was a Naughty School Girl Party, which was similar to the event from TASSP. I participated in this one quite a bit more than last time, since I knew more people in the event and it was less enormous. I hadn’t really planned ahead for ways to be bratty in order to gain the teachers’ attentions, and I didn’t have any “bratting equipment” so to speak, but I made do: my primary method of doing this involved selling out other girls for their bratting, which resulted in them receiving spankings as well as me getting corrected for being a tattletale. This was most fun, especially because it was so far removed from my day-to-day character. I later adopted a second technique, which involved making fun of Angel (littleanglewings). She was one of the “prefects,” and I told her that she only got her position because her (scene) father, Yoni, was one of the teachers. She spanked me for questioning the authenticity of her post and its deservedness, which was a lot of fun. She’s a great spanker, which sort of surprised me, seeing as she’s kind of a small and diminutive girl. I didn’t learn my lesson, though, because I then made fun of her for being adopted (something which one really only can get away with in a situation such as this one: in the real world, that would be tremendously mean and I wouldn’t do such a thing).

FRIENDSHIP

I also ended up accusing Sarah Gregory of being inappropriate as a prefect, as well: something to do with her being too sexy for school, I think, and I got spanked by her for the first time. That was also a lot of fun: it’s always exciting to finally be spanked by someone after having been aware of them for a long time. Finally, at the end of the party, we all lined up to get spanked by each of the teachers. I stole Ten’s idea from TASSP and positioned myself at the very end of the line, so that the Tops would all be tired out by the time they got there. This didn’t really work: Miss Chris and Yoni, especially, really gave me smacks that I felt! We took lots of photos during and after this event, but I haven’t gotten any of them from Sarah yet, so I’ll be posting those at a later. In the meanwhile, here are the pictures that I took of myself whilst getting ready, because I’m like that:

White panties are the best for spanking!

After this event, I hung out in the various party suites until the end of the night, doing the usual spanking party things: getting spanked, talking to friends and being kinda ridiculous. I started to bond with some people, and had a wonderful sense of being cared about and looked after when at one point I started to feel overwhelmed by being at a party all by myself, but a friend took me aside and made sure that I was alright. I honestly don’t remember anything else which happened on the first night. I know that Mila and Zoey all showed up eventually, and that Ten and Drlectr did not: they were delayed a day, much to my dismay because I had been waiting to pounce them. All in all, the first night was just great, and this was mostly driven by how wonderful all the people who were in attendance were. Sure, there were people that I missed: first and foremost, I would have loved it if Malignus could have been there with me, and I missed Heather a lot, and I consistently tried to figure out where Pandora’s room was, which didn’t work because the answer to that question was “in England.” Still, I was able to just focus on how freaking great it was to be there with the people who were there, to make new friendships with new people and strengthen the older ones, and to enjoy being myself among people who appreciate me for what I am.

More soon: I’m not going to promise that I’ll update tomorrow, as I’m presently in Los Angeles and I’m a very busy girl while I’m here. I’ll do it ASAP!
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Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Angel, Chicago Crimson Moon, Friends, Sarah Gregory, School Girl, Spanking Parties, Vanillas | 3 Comments

SO MUCH STUFF!

Published July 24, 2012

I want to start tonight’s post by saying thank you to everyone who reached out to me regarding last night’s post, either in comments, via email or by way of fetlife message. It turns out that I’m not the only girl who feels too big sometimes. Having a problem to which there is no solution but to change one’s attitude isn’t actually improved upon by knowing that one is not the only individual struggling with said issue, but there’s still something incredibly wonderful about knowing that you aren’t alone. When these moments come up, when I get vulnerable and explain something which I believe makes me odd and I’m met with the support of my friends and the understanding of others who struggle with similar issues, I’m reminded of why I got into the community in the first place. I remember the first day that I realized that other people were into spanking and I wasn’t some kind of bizarre weirdo. It’s such a good feeling that it makes me tear up a little bit. I can’t say enough times how thankful I am for the family that I’ve made in the scene. It seems to be constantly growing, too, and I’m grateful for that, as well. One can never have too many friends, and that’s a scientific fact because Hello Kitty said so.

This weekend, I got to spend a little time with a girl who was meeting other spankos in real life for the very first time. We didn’t really talk about things very much, because we haven’t gotten to know each other well yet and I think that we both felt some level of shyness, but it made me really happy in the heart-bits. Aside from people who I met in the Vanilla world who later turned out to be spankos (like V. and Peachy Keane), I don’t think I’ve ever been one of the first people that someone met in the community. I’m glad that I got to be part of that. 😀

Well, now that I’ve gotten all the heartwarming stuff out of the way, it’s time to talk about all sorts of cool developments that have been happening for me as a spanking model and spanking writer. I also want to add that I hate the word “heartwarming” because it sounds like “heart worming” to me and makes me think of diseased dogs. (I swear I haven’t been drinking. It’s just 90 degrees in the middle of the night and we don’t have air conditioning in my bedroom. -_-)

You may have noticed that I was interviewed by The Cameraman over on The Spanking View recently! Here’s a snippit from the interview:

CAMERAMAN: I don’t know if you realize this or not, but your first shoot with Clare Fonda was the last time she was spanked by a female. Can you tell us about your experiences working with Clare and what was it like to spank her and get spanked by her?

ALEX: I knew that my shoot with Clare was one of the last spanking shoots that she did. I didn’t know that I was the last female to spank her! That’s actually very exciting to hear: I guess that can be one of my “claims to fame.” When Clare and I had discussed the shoot during the planning phases, we hadn’t talked about me spanking her. It was something that we came up with near the end of the day. I was pretty nervous about it, because I’d never done a video where I topped and I wasn’t giggling the entire time! It was a scene that had quite a bit of talking in it, as well, but I managed to get into the right headspace to make myself sound Toppy. Once I got over feeling nervous about it, spanking Clare was a lot of fun. She was very responsive, and she has such a cute bottom, I just let myself get into it and stopped worrying about doing it perfectly. I think it turned out really well!

The whole experience of working with Clare was really great. She’s such a fun person. The scenes that we were doing were really well suited to my personality as a spankee: I really do think of myself as a good girl who is sometimes just very naughty and in need of correction, so getting into that character wasn’t any work at all. I enjoyed being spanked by Clare– she gave me hard but not brutal spankings, and her scolding was awesome to hear in person. I get the impression that a lot of girls don’t like doing so many scenes in one day (we shot all the scenes pretty much back-to-back) but for me, it was pretty much a dream come true! I’d watched a bunch of Clare’s videos ever since I first got on the internet, so spending the whole day getting spanked by her was an amazing experience.

It’s me, giving Clare Fonda her last spanking from a female!

Anyway, you should check out the rest of the interview if you haven’t already, and keep up with The Spanking View. I’m very fond of The Cameraman, and I’m looking forward to working with him again this fall. 😀

Next, there’s the fact that a snippet from one of my posts about TASSP was featured on Spanking Blog! This was tremendously exciting for me because I’ve read Spanking Blog for a long time: the site is actually how I discovered what a “blog” was, and I read it before I had even received my first spanking. So, that was pretty cool and exciting for me. It made me feel very “legit” when I looked at my top traffic sources and saw that one of them was from them. “Huh? People are getting to my site from there? This isn’t a list of places that I’ve been looking at?” If you don’t already follow them, you absolutely should. I like the way that they feature snippits from other people’s posts and stories, and I’ve followed their crumbs to lots of great stuff.

Next, I’m very pleased to announce that my essay “Sex and Spanking: A Personal Perspective” was published in Wellred Weekly’s issue 9. Wellred Weekly is a great spanking publication. Real care and effort goes into the selection of the pieces, the presentation on their site and keeping a balance between the various sorts of writing and features that they include. I was really honored when I was approached to be included, and I hope that you enjoy reading issue 9. 😀

Last but most certainly not least, I’ve got my Clips 4 Sale store up and running after months and months of it…not happening for various reasons. I have more content that I’ll be uploading weekly, and I have plans to shoot plenty of brand new, exclusive content. I’ll be introducing a brand new, never before seen spanking model sometime soon, too.
Now that I’m producing my own clips, I’m open to suggestions. Just drop me a line at alexinspankingland@gmail.com. 🙂

Well, that’s all for tonight! I need to go take an ice-cold shower before I try to get myself to pass out in order to avoid heat-exhaustion.
<3

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged Clare Fonda, Clips Store, Interview, Mushiness, On Being a spanko, Self Promotion, Shameless Attention Whoring, The Spanking View, Wellred Weekly | 10 Comments

Drink me.

Published July 23, 2012

I’m going to get a bit personal here, for a moment, and talk about things that I normally keep to myself.
At 5’8″, I’m of fairly average height for a woman. I’m not particularly tall. At a 150 pounds and a dress size eight, I’m really quite average all around.
I’ve never felt like it, though. I’ve always felt like this:

Maybe it comes from the fact that I was told by doctors that I would likely grow up to be over 6′ tall, and I began intentionally stunting my growth for fear of that when I was just a little girl. Maybe it’s the fact that I was taller than my mother by the time that I was ten, and that I reached my current height before I entered middle school. Maybe it’s the fact that one of my childhood best friends was so tiny that in third grade, our teacher couldn’t see her over the desk and thought that she was absent on the first day. Maybe it was that I grew up in a small house with low ceilings and tiny rooms that gave me a sense of claustrophobia. Whatever it is, I never, ever wanted to grow. I always felt that I was too big.
I’ve done various things to make myself seem smaller– I wear lots of vertical stripes and clothing which is cropped in a way that shortens a person, I choose prints and patterns which are cute, dainty and diminutive, I slouch as much as I can possibly get away with (which I was doing fairly well for myself with, I felt, until Malignus decided that I needed to improve my posture) and I’m never seen wearing heels. I did bring a pair with me to TASSP, and it was the first time that I wore heels in as long as I can remember, certainly at least a year.
There was one thing which I always took comfort in, sort of an adage that I’d come to love: “All girls are the same height when they’re over a lap.” I really, truly believed in this, and it did wonders for me. While being spanked OTK, no matter by whom, I felt truly small. I don’t mean that I felt “little” or that I felt “young.” I felt like a small thing, and it was an absolutely beautiful feeling.
Recently, I was talking to one of my Tops about these feelings, and about how badly I wanted to have a smaller body, and I said “At least I can take comfort in the fact that when I’m over your lap, you can’t tell!” “Well, you know that’s not actually, true, right Alex?” he asked. I shook my head. I thoroughly believed that it was true. “I can still tell how far you stretch out to, and your center of gravity is still in the wrong place.”
I never believed in Santa, or in the Easter Bunny, or any of that stuff, and I originally didn’t believe in God, then forced myself to, so when I stopped believing, it wasn’t painful. As a result, this was the first time in my life that I really experienced having something which had previously been rather sacred to me taken away.

You’re sure? I’m still too big?

I still haven’t recovered from it, entirely. It never mattered to me what my size was compared to the person spanking me, but suddenly, it’s become something which is on my mind. I know I’ll get over it. I know I’ll let go and stop worrying and let myself feel safe and good while being spanked. I’m just still a little heart broken.
The day that I had that conversation, I called my doctor friend and my scientist friend and asked them if there was a way that I could be shrunk. When they promised me that there was no safe way, I started doing research on my own, JUST IN CASE.
I know that I’m just going to have to find a way to accept myself.

For a while now, I’ve been dating a boy here in Sioux Falls. He’s clever and funny, he gets my sense of humor, and on our first date, we spent most of the time discussing Hume’s empiricism. He’s also 6’5″ and extremely strong because he does physical work. For the first time since I was a teenager, I felt small beside him. I could put my hand up to his and feel like I had little, tiny fingers. He could pull me down with the tiniest of efforts on his part. We were just “getting there” romantically, but I had high hopes for it. See, I don’t need all of my relationships to satisfy every part of me. That would be very against the point of Polyamory for me. I was hoping that if I had, for the first time since I was a girl, someone who made me feel small sometimes around, then I would get over the complex that I’m big in general. I imagined that having someone who made me feel small would make it so that I never felt “too big.” I thought that it would make me alright with my body.

Sorry, not happening!

Anyway, it doesn’t matter what I imagined might happen, because he met someone with whom he wants to have a monogamous relationship, so we won’t be seeing each other anymore.
I realized tonight, that this may actually be a good thing. There are no “drink me” bottles floating around, and I’m stuck with myself for the rest of my life. The truth of the matter is, I don’t need someone else to make me feel good about myself. I have to rock what I’ve got and be truly confident in myself in order to be happy and successful. The way that I look or appear to others or seem next to them shouldn’t influence the way that I feel.
The truth of the matter is that I’m the only one who thinks that I’m so large that I take up the entire room and I’ve got my head on the ceiling, but as long as I’m seeing myself this way and acting like that, people *are* going to see that I’m not fully comfortable with myself.
So, I’m going to be alright with myself, no matter where my center of gravity is. I’m not going to surround myself with environments that make me feel better about myself. I’m going to feel okay with myself.
I’m not entirely sure *how* I’m going to get there, but I know that I will, because I am nothing if not determined.

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged body image, feelings, Growth, Introspection, Personal, size | 10 Comments

TASSP, Final Part

Published July 22, 2012

On the final day of TASSP, I got up fairly early in order to head to the Model’s Brunch. I was very convinced that what I really wanted to do was sleep, but Malignus ordered me out of bed and into the shower, and so into the shower I got. Malignus left the room to go see who was around while I was bathing, and I worked shampoo into a rich, foamy lather in my hair. A minute later, though, there was a knock on the bathroom door. Apparently, Malignus had run into Pandora again. She and Amelia Jane were about to shoot a clip for Dreams of Spanking, but the Top had bailed on them for some reason. While Malignus was wandering around looking to see who was awake, she had run into him and asked him if he could fill in. This was, in the long term, very exciting news indeed! In the short term, it meant that he was kicking me out of the shower so that he could get ready, so I ended up standing around naked in a towel with shampoo in my hair for the next fifteen minutes. >_<

The clip which they shot is called “Business or Pleasure” and involves my gentleman companion playing a corrupt TSA agent who catches Pandora and Amelia lying about their reasons for entering the US, then gives them the choice of deportation or a spanking. It would be a very short and disinteresting video had they selected deportation. Instead, both girls got strapped and *then* OTK spankings. I’ve never had that combination before, personally, but it looks like it turned out well and was worth me shivering for a bit over. Anyway, I’m quite pleased by Malignus’ debut as a spanking performer, and I’m glad that he got to do it with such wonderful people.
I eventually got to finish showering and then spent some time with drlectr and Ten, and I went to the Model’s Brunch. Unfortunately, I missed the group photo because I had been called upon to change our flight reservations at that time, but I did get to have a final chat and hug with some awesome ladies.

With Christy Cutie and Casey Calvert.

Once I got our reservation straightened out, I spent some time shooting clips for Ten’s site. We did some excellent ones, including one in which Ten and I make out before she spanks me and one where Ten, Heather and I all get caned for drinking while dressed as schoolgirls. I’ll be sure to let you know when those are released, because they’re pretty much “must see” videos. 😀
I got to watch some other videos be filmed, Malignus went off to spank some more girls, and then, before we knew it, the weekend was over and it was time to head to the airport to go back to Sioux Falls. It wasn’t the best trip back ever and involved me crying in the airport as I thought about all the people I was leaving behind and I started to suffer party-drop for the first time. It was not a pleasant feeling. I still haven’t gotten over how much I miss everyone!
All in all, though, the party was an amazing experience. I’m excited to say that I have another one coming up in less than a week! I’m heading to Chicago Crimson Moon for my second party, which is quite exciting indeed. I have lots of plans for the weekend, including some shooting, some catching up with friends and spending as much time OTK as possible.
After talking to various other models who did private spanking sessions at TASSP, I decided that I’m going to give pro-bottoming a try. I’ve still got some openings for sessions at Crimson Moon, if anyone is interested! You can shoot me an email at alexinspankingland@gmail.com if you’d like to book one. I promise, I’m pretty awesome. 🙂
I learned a few things from TASSP, which I will be implementing at Crimson Moon:1) Take lots of photos. I didn’t do nearly enough of this at TASSP because I was too busy running around like a chicken with my head cut off. I’m going to make sure to get lots of fun photos next time (of course, I’ll only be getting photos with people who consent to be photographed in them!)2) Plan ahead. I’ve been making sure that I get all the contact information I need and doing as much scheduling as possible in advance. It gets tricky at a party!3) Go ahead and pack EVERYTHING. I actually didn’t bring enough clothes with me to TASSP, which I’m sure anyone who saw my suitcase wouldn’t believe. I like to change my clothes a lot.4) Go to as many scheduled events as possible. They seem to be a great way to meet people and have fun, and I scheduled over/slept through a lot of them at TASSP.
I’m really jazzed for my next adventure. I can’t wait to tell you all about it (in a timely manner, this time, considering that I’ve been accumulating a half hour of cornertime for every day when I don’t work on my blog).

Posted in Adventures | Tagged Adventures, Casey Calvert, Christy Cutie, Spanking Modeling, Spanking Parties, TASSP, Ten Amorette | 4 Comments

TASSP Part 3

Published July 18, 2012

The morning of my second day at TASSP, I had planned with Pandora Blake to shoot some videos for our respective sites. This was very exciting indeed– I had developed a bit of an internet crush on Pandora, and I was really looking forward to spending more time around her. We’d gotten to chat in Ten’s room the night before, during which time she assisted me in drawing a cat on the bottom of IMLX’s foot. I knew we were going to be good friends.

So, that morning, I arrived at Ten’s room rather bright and early, considering that we’d been up late partying. Amelia was there, as well, and the two of them were already quite put together and perky. Ten and drlectr had a beautiful suite, where we did all of our filming that weekend. Pandora and I filmed two scenes, which will be released later on both my site and Dreams of Spanking, during which time I’ll be making my international debut. Amelia was very helpful in creating the scenes, and I really enjoyed both girls’ abilities to think on their feet and role play. This is something I’ve been trying to get my skills up in, and I think I did a fairly good job. I’ll save the story lines of both videos for when they are released, but Pandora spanked me thoroughly in both of them, and we had a ball filming.

There was a funny moment when Pandora needed to put on a garter belt (in England, a “suspender belt,” which happens to be the word that I usually use as well, because it’s a concept that I was introduced to by SF’s wife) to go with some stockings, but she only had cute, cotton panties with aliens on them. The look was kind of epic win. It had to be documented.

After we finished filming, Malignus was waiting for me to meet up with him for something that we’d been waiting for for a while now: the Vendor Fair. I like vendor fairs in general, because I love looking at implements and kink related things, and this was my first spanking only vendor fair. It was a much bigger deal than that: we were running a booth.

For a while now, Malignus and I have been working on a business project: a modeling agency for spanking models, run by real spankos who are familiar with the business. We’d worked hard on the behind the scenes things for some time, and had agreed that we were going to unveil for the first time at TASSP. We made up flyers and business cards, and we had everything ready to go. Zoey Wicks, who we had met on the first day and who had been talking to Malignus for a while beforehand, had helped Malignus staple a bunch of packets together while I was shooting with Pandora, and she and Heather helped Malignus and I man the booth.

There will be lots of posting about the Agency later on, but for now, I’ll say this: we’re working with some great models thus far and are building awesome connections in terms of production companies. Starting something like this from the ground up has been a tremendous amount of work, and it’s part of the reason that you have seen a decreased amount of posting from me before Scotchgrove got on my case about working on posts every day. There’s literally an infinite amount of things that need to be done, but it’s rewarding work. Having our table at the vendor fair and giving out our information was very, very rewarding.

If you want more information about being represented or have questions about what we do at the Agency, shoot us an email at malexcompany@gmail.com. Please don’t email that address with questions concerning my blog or my personal modeling career– those still go to alexinspankingland@gmail.com.

Anyway, the vendor fair was a great success, even though I didn’t buy anything. I did get a few spankings from drlectr in order to draw attention over to my booth (which was right next to Ten’s). During the fair, there was a silent auction to benefit the American Cancer Society. Items had been donated and we all were able to go around and bid on them. I bid on two things: a set of implements including a vintage hairbrush (I don’t even remember what the others were because that was the one that I wanted) and a heart shaped wooden paddle. I’ve been trying to get a vintage hairbrush again ever since the one that S_F gave me ages ago was stolen out of my purse at a munch, but, probably because normal people also collect vintage toilet items, they are always expensive on eBay and they never show up at thrift stores because the idea of buying a “thrift” toilet item is gross. The heart shaped paddle was just adorable and I love cute things. I didn’t win either of my lots, but a friend bid on the heart paddle on my behalf and won it. He then gave it to me as a gift. How sweet is that ? 😀

Immediately after the vendor fair, Heather and I went to get ready to do a shoot with Paul “Tubaman” Rodgers for Spanking 101. It was a very fun shoot because Heather and I were both being spanked in it! As I’ve previously stated, I love working with Heather in videos. We give each other tips and tricks in the “backstage” and she has such a great energy on set. Besides, I’d imagine that the fact that we’re real-life best friends shows through pretty well on camera. In this video, though, we were pretending to be for-real sisters instead of just spanko-sisters, and we took turns getting pulled over Paul’s lap to be punished for staying out too late. It was a lot of excitement: first I was standing there, watching Heather get spanked and looking very worried indeed, then I was the one getting spanked! Then it was over, but only for a minute, and I had to watch Heather again and so on. I haven’t seen it yet, but I bet that video turned out really well, given everyone’s chemistry.

Paul is an awesome spanker, by the way. He spanked me on the first night because I’d lost my lanyard and name tag already and I asked him for a new one, and then sheepishly asked him to correct me for losing it (this may have been a very well played move on my part, since I avoided “actual” trouble for losing my name tag). He took me by the wrist and brought me over to the sofa, then put me over his lap and spanked me with his hand. I was really impressed with the strength of his hand spanking! Only a handful of other Tops had made that level of impression within a few swats with their hand. Anyway, I really enjoyed being spanked by him for the video, as well, and can’t wait to get a chance to work with him again.

I spent lots of time hanging out with friends, and then I had yet another shoot! I met up with Gary from Amateur Spankings earlier and asked him if I could work with him for his site and he said yes! I had already kind of assumed that I wasn’t the kind of girl that they were looking for since they state that their models “aren’t spanking models,” but he hired me for an interview and a quick spanking. I do have that “girl next door” kind of look. It was very fun getting interviewed on camera. I’ve been interviewed for blogs twice before, now, but I’d never been interviewed “live.” I told him the story of my first spanking, and about how I thought about spanking growing up, and about how I came to be part of “the scene” and do videos and have an amazing boyfriend who lovingly spanks the living daylights out of me on a regular basis.

I was finished with this shoot slightly after the start of dinner, so I snuck in to find that Malignus and company had not only saved me a spot, they had saved me my meal. It was sitting under one of those little metal domes for keeping food warm that I’d only seen in movies up until then. I ate happily as there were a series of entertainment acts performed. Sarah Gregory and Princess Kelley sang, Art Amiss did a hilarious standup comedy routine and BlackVelvet did a spanking themed parody song. It was a lot of fun, and the food was excellent.

The rest of the night was a blur of having fun with friends in various ways. I played with a lot of people, had some excellent private time with people that I love and spent lots of time chatting and making new friends.

By the time I got ready for bed, I was very happily red-bottomed and incredibly sleepy. I slept well throughout the night.

Well spanked in pajamas! Bedtime!

In the current world, I am also going to bed! What a coincidence! I’ll finish the story of TASSP and move on to other tales before the end of this week. <3

Posted in Adventures | Tagged Adventures, Amateur Spankings, Bedtime spanking, Modeling, Pandora Blake, Self Promotion, Shameless Attention Whoring, Spanking 101, Spanking Modeling, Spanking Parties, TASSP, Ten Amorette | 5 Comments

TASSP part 2 and Other Things

Published July 16, 2012

I’ve had a problem ever since TASSP.

I’ve wanted to write about other things, but I’ve felt guilty because there was so much that I *could* write about from TASSP, so I’ve insisted that I won’t write about anything else until TASSP has been completed. Now, we’re left a month after the party with very few posts to my blog since it indeed, only one short installment of the tale completed and several significant things, such as my very exciting Mad Scientist Roleplay Scenario and my twenty fifth birthday entirely unmentioned.

I really love blogging, but I’ve been disappointingly without discipline with regards to it recently, and the longer I go without writing, the harder it is to start again, especially when it seems like every entry I’m promising to do better at it and then not writing the next day. I had a long conversation with Scotchgrove tonight, part of which focused on this not blogging business. He decided that due to my current schedule, I should be able to post to my blog daily, and he’s decided to hold me to this standard (remember, he is The Boss of Me).

For those who may have been confused

So, in order to get the ball rolling on this new dedication to posting every day, I’m going to start to finish telling you about TASSP. Honestly, it’s been a bit of time, and I don’t really remember the order in which everything happened, so it may just be my best approximation in that regard. I’d also like to add that it’s going on 3:00 AM while I’m writing this and I’m suffering from insomnia, so it’s likely that this won’t be my most clear or articulate post.

Following the naughty school girl party, I had planned to do a mass school girl shoot with my very excellent friend, Ten Amorette, her partner and another excellent friend, drlectr and a gaggle of amazing spanking models. Unfortunately, I arrived to this shoot somewhat late due to a failure to communicate about when, exactly, the naughty school girl party ended, since I ducked out with Heather to make sure that she was all set for her shoot and stuff (alright, because I was a bit attached at the hip with her after having not seen her for a month. She is, after all, my best friend!) and I ended up being somewhat late. I arrived to find that the filming had already started. This was easily taken care of, however. The plot of the scene involved a group of girls getting busted for having a keg and drinking in their room, and so my character simply walked in looking for the beer, only to find a very angry principal yielding a paddle. The fact that I never got to taste any of that beer didn’t excuse me from getting a series of hard swats!

I love filming with a large group of models because we all start playing off each other and one thing leads to another. It becomes full of energy and very authentic. I also love filming with Ten, because she’s pretty much the most fun person ever, and she constantly cracks me up with her antics when she’s in character. This video will be being released for free, so once it is, I’ll make mention of it here and give you lovely people a link. It’s certainly something worth watching (probably again, and again, and again).

Later that night, I attended a dinner during which mashed potatoes were served in martini glasses (which was a bit confusing but still quite delicious) and my dinner entertainment included watching Amelia Jane Rutherford get a paddling. “The English girls” (as people tended to refer to Pandora and Amelia) were very fascinated with the American style paddles– in England, most people’s definition of a paddle is some lovely leather thing, and the two of them seemed very eager to get the “American cultural experience” of being spanked with an awful wooden one. As a brief side note, I find it rather interesting that the traditional English implements have very little room for “thud”: the only thing that I can think of which seems to be popular over there and thuddy are those awful, ebony hairbrushes (which, as far as I’m concerned, England may keep, and there must be some sort of International Spanking Ordinance that protects me from awful things like that when I’m abroad). Amelia appeared quite impressed with the Spencer paddling that she received over dinner, and the more I saw of her, the more impressed I became with Amelia herself.

Sometime after dinner, I wound up in Tubaman’s suite, wherein there was a mountain of implements laying on the table which were to be sold at the vendor faire the next day, but which were available to be tested until then. Malignus and I had some fun digging through the pile to find unusual things, which he then gave me a few solid whacks with. This endeavor started out with him procuring a wooden sword and giving me a quick spanking with it. I was incredibly surprised by how much it hurt, and I think I made a rather excessive amount of noise about it. I got spanked with a number of different materials and unusual pervertables, including a neoprene tube (despite my insistence that I’ve somehow developed an allergy to the substance), a few unusual canes, a pyrex paddle and a fan blade. The most interesting thing that we found in the pile, however, was a real, rhino-skin sjambok. It was very different than the rubber monstrosity which is currently resting under my bed as I write this. It was much shorter and much more dense, but of an equal level of flexibility. Malignus did not lay into me with it and used quite a bit of care when he gave me a sample of it, but I still found it to be quite formidable. Still, it was an exciting thing to be able to tell people I’ve experienced!

I spent the majority of the evening in Ten’s suite, as my I recall, where I got spanked by a number of awesome people. drlectr also gave me a nice, long, OTK lotioning, which sent me into a very snuggly and sleepy place. I was actually quite amazed by how relaxed I felt that first night. The world seemed to be moving at a million miles a minute around me, I’d just been spanked by people whose names I couldn’t even remember, I’d booked myself an extremely full day starting in the morning and I was surrounded by people that I didn’t quite know but wanted to know. None the less, I felt as if I hadn’t a care in the world. My spanko shame was nearly entirely gone. I lay there with my bottom bare and reddened for an entire party worth of people to see, and all I felt was good. My bottom was, after the lotion, the perfect combination of sore and soothed, and I felt incredibly safe in my vulnerability.

This was taken after I came back to the room.

That evening, as I prepared for bed, Malignus called me over for my bedtime spanking. Pillows were already laid out on the bed from other scening, so I grabbed my special face pillow and plopped over them. I was very surprised to see him approaching me with a short, delring cane. I’m sure I scrunched my face at him. “But Mallliiiiiiiigggnuuuuus!” I said, “bedtime spankings aren’t supposed to be mean. And besides, I’m shooting tomorrow! I can’t have cane stripes!” Malignus promised me that he did not intend to mark me, and I knew that I had every reason in the world to trust him. He began to spank me in a style which I can only call tapping. He moved the cane back and forth very quickly but without ever giving a full stroke. It was very snappy, though, and even though minimal force was being used, the delrin stung, and I soon found myself crying out. After a few moments of this, though, it became pleasantly percussive, and I relaxed into it. It reinforced the safe, sleepy feeling I had experienced earlier, and while it didn’t send me to subspace (I don’t have the right visas to enter under casual circumstances, it seems), it did fill me with a lovely dose of endorphins. This was a neat new experience, as I’d never had a relaxing caning before. After that, I snuggled into bed with my head on Malignus’ chest and fell asleep, excited to wake up to a series of new adventures in the morning.

Posted in Adventures | Tagged Adventures, aftercare, Bedtime spanking, Caning, Implements, Sjambok, Spanking Modeling, Spanking Parties, TASSP, Ten Amorette | 9 Comments

TASSP!

Published July 1, 2012

Well, I’m back to writing about happy spanking related things! Yay!
The first thing on my list of things that I need to tell you about is a very big deal indeed: my first national spanking party!

I wasn’t originally planning to go to the Texas All State Spanking Party. I hadn’t been to a big party before, and I figured that money would be too tight, so I was going to look past it with a sigh like I had previously done with all parties until Heather told me that she was going to be going to attending and invited Malignus and I to come as well. I looked into how much plane tickets would cost and was surprised that I actually had enough money to afford them. Heather and her boyfriend, Taylor, shared a room with Malignus and I, and the party fees and hotel rooms were really well priced. So, at close to the last minute, we made our plans to go. I booked a few shoots to help with the costs and Malignus and I made plans to have a booth at the vendor fair for the Malex Modeling Agency. That’s our new business that we’ve been working furiously on for a while now: a spanking modeling agency that works with spanking video producers and spanking models. We planned to go public with this at the TASSP vendor fair and spent lots of time getting our promotional materials in order. You’ll hear lots more about the agency later on.

We were flying out of Omaha, so the plan for getting to the party involved waking up at midnight to leave Sioux Falls at 1 AM to get to Omaha by 4 AM to make our flight, and it put us in Dallas around 8 AM on Friday. This meant that I was supposed to go to bed as soon as I got home from work, but I couldn’t sleep a wink. I was just too excited about the party. I packed and did chores around the house and cleaned out my car in order to kill time, but when I woke Malignus up around 9 PM, he insisted that I force myself to sleep. I don’t know if I ever actually did drop off. I planned to sleep during his turn driving to the airport. I didn’t really sleep then, either. On the plane, I had to share a seat with strangers who kept rubbing up against me in ways that woke me up, so I didn’t really get any rest there, either. I was somehow still bouncy and full of energy when I was picked up at the airport by a couple of friends.

We drove to the hotel, but stopped on the way to eat breakfast at a diner. I was very surprised that you can apparently smoke indoors in some parts of Texas. I don’t usually smoke, but I had fun doing that. Whee!

We got to the hotel, dropped our stuff off at our friends’ room (since we couldn’t check in for a few more hours and didn’t want to until we met up with Heather anyway) and then went to register. I was very nervous at this point, because I was about to meet lots of people who I’d never met before all at once. As soon as I opened up the door to the registration suite, though, I was greeted by Pandora Blake, who shouted “ALEX!” and hugged me. I was very relieved to run into her right away, since we’ve been friends online for a while now. We read each others blogs and tweet back and forth and were excited about meeting each other, and just seeing her really put me at ease. We got all checked in and then headed back to our friends’ room for a much needed nap.

We got up for our nap in time for me to meet up with Heather and give her a huge hug. I’ve really missed having her around, and we got to reconnect and spend lots of time together during TASSP. We got checked into our room and I proceeded to throw my things all over the floor in search of school girl clothing, because it was time for Sarah Gregory’s Naughty School Girl Party. First, I asked Malignus to give me a warmup spanking, because I hadn’t been spanked for a few days leading up to the party and didn’t want to be spanked cold during the event! He gladly did this, although his idea of a warmup was very hard and fast. Still, I felt both warm and loved when he finished, and I was ready for the party. This event was lots of fun: female bottoms dressed up in their school day best and were taught lessons by a host of tops who were dressed as priests and nuns. I would have preferred for them to be dressed in suits (more like the way Dana Kane looked when we were shooting for Sternwood Academy) because I’m squicked by religious figures. It’s mostly because of my philsophical views, but I don’t fetishize them at all, and I’m just not at ease around them. That said, I let that go and focused on being bratty with Heather, Christy Cutie and a new friend I’d just met named Zoe. First, we had to line up to have our skirts measured by Dana Spect. The skirt I was wearing was a real school skirt, and it came down nearly to my knees, unlike many of the sexy skirts other girls had on. After holding a ruler up to me, Dana lead me to the front of the room and announced that I was an example of a good girl and that my skirt was what the other girls should aim to look like. I was beaming with pride. Praised in front of everyone? Yes please!

I did quickly realize that being a goody-goody-Hermione-Granger type wasn’t going to get me very much attention with everyone else throwing pieces of paper, launching darts and sneaking beer into the classroom, though, so I figured I had to do something at least a little naughty at a naughty school girl party. I had a package of Fun Dip in my purse which Malignus had won for me the last time we’d gone to the arcade together, so we started eating that very obviously while we were supposed to be learning. Heather, Zoe and I were quickly pulled aside and given OTK spankings and warned not to eat any more candy in class. It was the first time I’ve ever been spanked in front of a live audience before, since a group of other guests were gathered in the back of the room watching the proceedings. I kept myself in the “performer” part of my brain that I use when doing videos and made sure to kick and squirm! It was lots of fun.
Heather and I had to scoot out of the event before it ended because Heather hadn’t eaten and we needed to hunt down some food before she went to her shoot with Amateur Spankings, so we missed having the entire “school” lined up to be spanked, but we had tons of fun anyway.

I have to go for now, but stories shall continue in the next post, and there will be pictures that time, I promise!

Posted in Adventures | Tagged Adventures, Cleverness, Scene Stories, School Girl, Spanking Modeling, Spanking Parties, TASSP | 10 Comments

Out of the Bag

Published June 26, 2012

Before I get into this post, there are a few things I need to address.

First of all, I’ve been a very bad girl when it comes to blogging the past few months. There’s nothing less attractive than a half effort. I’ve had an awful lot going on: a series of unfortunate events, some health struggles, different hours at work than I was used to, and the fact that Malignus and I have begun to launch a new business. I’ve been dedicating a lot of time to other things. That said, my blog is very important to me, and I intend to return to updating regularly.

Secondly, I know that you all want to hear about TASSP. I want to tell you about it, too! Unfortunately, I’m saving that post until I receive a few photos, and I have something else that I want to address briefly before that.

I left TASSP on Sunday. I arrived in Omaha, and then Malignus and I drove back to Sioux Falls and went to bed around 4 the next morning. That afternoon, I got up and went to the airport to fly to NYC to visit my family of origin in New Jersey and then go into the city for some shooting and visiting friends. During the time that I was in Sioux Falls, I basically dumped all my crap from Texas out and onto the floor of the spare room and then repacked it with appropriate family attire.

I don’t enjoy visiting with my family, especially after my oldest brother died last winter. That brother was the part of the family that I connected with. I value my other brother, but we don’t share the same kind of closeness. My mother herself has never been emotionally well in my lifetime, and she’s caused me a great many difficulties in my lifetime. I don’t believe that going into those details here would be appropriate, but know you this: things have been more often bad than good between us.

Yesterday, I had a rough day. Last time that I was here, my brother’s death was still a present topic. We were at his funeral. This time, it was as if he really never existed to everyone else, while I was hyper aware of all the things that reminded me of him. Despite my acceptance of his death, I caught myself longing for him; the feeling of my body cut up by want inside. My mother ragged on me for small things over and over again, she invaded my privacy, she was critical of my body (this is her favorite hobby. She was a professional dancer and I did not inherit that build, and she takes every chance she gets to remind me of this). It kinda sucked. Then, things got serious.

While I was in the bath, my mother went through my suitcase to find any laundry that might be there (so she said) and, while at it, happened upon a stray cane that had been left in the bag. It’s half length and not very noticeable. She wasn’t entirely sure what it could be for, however, so she looked up the brand, found photos of me on the brand’s site and panicked. She was in hysterics, telling me that she wanted to have me committed to a mental hospital because I’m a danger to myself.

I felt very similarly to the way I did when I first found out that my brother was near death: I’d always known on some level that this moment was going to come, but I sure as hell didn’t expect it when I woke up that morning. On many levels, I was prepared for this. I’ve always been detached and I don’t actually NEED anything from her. My familiar connection is more based on filial piety and social constructs at this point. These things didn’t stop me from calling Malignus in tears as soon as I ran out of the house.

I ended up going to New York that night, to stay with PeachyKeane and Scotchgrove. They’ve been extremely welcoming and gracious to me. I explained to the doctor that I am in sound health and that my mother is simply not accepting the choices made by an adult and that was the end of that. I posted about what happened to fetlife tonight, and I got a wonderful outpouring of kind words. That’s really the reason for this post more than anything else: I want to thank everyone who posted or messaged me with their support. It reinforced the lesson that I needed the most at this moment:

The scene is my family. When I grow, it loves me for it. When I fail at things, it pushes me back up to try again. When I’m strange, it’s stranger. When I’m afraid, it’s safe. When I need love, there’s love for me. When I need understanding, there are many who have gone through what I have.

As an entity, you’re all I could ever ask for, and I love you.

I’m also forever grateful for the people who make up my D/s list. The people I’ve grown close to are truly beautiful people. I realized when my mother was in hysterics that there is nothing in the world that matters more to me than the people I know from the scene (especially now that my brother, my closest family member is gone). I’m a very lucky girl to have such wonderful people in my life.

I’m not happy with the way things have gone with this incident (between my mom and I) and I don’t think that it’s over yet. But I’m okay despite it. When I was a girl, I was terrified that I’d be found out and put away for what I do (or, at the time, what I wanted to do). Now, those threats don’t really scare me because I’m an adult, and I know that I can and do take care of myself. If anything, this is rather freeing. I have confidence in myself and even less to fear.
And I have you guys. And that rocks.

TASSP post will happen as soon as I get some pictures from a few people! Keep your eyes open! It’ll include lots of amazing adventures including me, Malignus, Pandora Blake, Ten Amorette, Amelia Jane Rutherford, Heather Michaels, Christy Cutie, Shay Elizabeth and lots more awesome people! There’s even a puppy! Spankings and a puppy! What could be better?!

<3 <3 <3

Posted in Daily Life | Tagged Daily Life, Sad, Vanilla life, Vanillas | 22 Comments