So, I realize that everyone has read about a dozen accounts of the party I’m describing in this series of posts already. For the rest of the narrative I’m going to do my best to focus on the things that were of personal significance to me, not just give a running list of what exciting things happened, which is sort of my impulse in this situation. The stories to be contained are things that I would have written about if they happened in another context, and many of them took place behind closed doors so even others who attended the party will be getting the details for the first time, so I hope I don’t bore you too much!
When I left off in my last post, YS and ellee had just arrived and we were about to go pick them up from the airport.
We did just that. Lily, Robert and I got there a little bit earlier than YS and ellee did, though, so we did several “victory laps” around the airport while we waited. We had a nice time of it and just chatted about various things. We all enjoy one and others’ company, so it wasn’t that bad to wait. Finally, I saw them appear on the curb and I hardly even waited for Robert to stop the car before racing out and hugging them. They were obviously a bit tired from their trip, so I *tried* to tone down my excitement a bit, at least until we got to the hotel. Once we got to Joe and Ten’s suite, everyone wanted to see ellee (as they should, for she is brilliant, sweet, clever, a very good girl, funny, loving, adorable and a knock out to look at, and I feel lucky to have such a wonderful girl as a friend) so I tried to sort of hang back and give them a little space. YS was called up to the suite where Beth Eisley and PTL were staying in order to discuss one of Beth’s pieces of mischief (and to say hi, of course) so I kind of paired with Sophie again for a bit.
I was having a lot of feels. I’m a bit embarrassed about them, but they were there and they were relevant. I was simultaneously worked up into a sort of manic state from all the excitement, and worrying that I was being too invasive, and above all else, I was feeling insecure. Parties do that to me sometimes. I worry that people don’t like me as much as I like them, or that I’m shockingly socially awkward despite my best efforts, or I start comparing myself to my friends and peers negatively. I know that all those feelings are pretty stupid and I’ve been very well educated in how to choose to feel secure, to acknowledge the bad stuff and focus on the good and get on with enjoying my life (which I did shortly thereafter). At that moment, I was having a moment. Sophie got me back to an even keel, though. She’s a very good friend.
I felt a little bit sheepish when YS did come back into the main party room, but his response was exactly what I needed. He found me pretty directly and then told ellee: “I want to spank Alex.” I was pretty immediately pacified by this. He lead me off into one of the bedrooms. I think someone else might have been playing on the other bed, but I had mental blinders on and I was aware of no distractions. He sat on the bed and put me over his knee as my heart pounded. Then he gently rubbed my bottom for a little bit as we talked. “This feels so right,” he said, and I agreed enthusiastically. We talked about how much time had passed, and how close we’d been able to grow without actually seeing each other. Then he began to spank me.
Sometimes, when I’m emotional, a spanking has to go on for a bit before it brings me to my baseline and from there it can go upwards. Sometimes, when I’m in a really bad way, all it can do is return me to my center. This wasn’t like that. I felt immediately relieved of my anxiety, and my worries and my awkwardness and I felt my mood begin to elevate, bringing me into a notably good place.
I knew that this was right. That I belonged there. That, in that moment, in that time and place I belonged to him.
I knew that this was real.
I don’t mean that our D/s relationship hadn’t been real before he spanked me, but this additional component brought it to a place that felt significantly different (and yes, better) to me. A lot of my most significant D/s interactions with all of my Bosses Of Me have taken place in a long distance setting. Still, there was something wonderfully right about being there with him, being in position over his knee and receiving a spanking from him. I felt safe and secure. My memories of this have a sort of shiny feeling about them, as if my mind has tagged them as positive and warm.
Eventually, he moved me so that I was just lying on the bed and got up. He started to take his belt off. “This is a new belt,” he told me. “No one has ever been spanked with it before. I just took the label off upstairs.” I felt very special at this news, and I felt a lot of positive apprehension.
While I’ve previously had mixed feelings about leather implements and I’ve gone through periods of time where that was an emotional struggle for me (more on that in another post), I’ve always loved it when YS hit me with a belt. When I first met him, his Fetlife profile image was this:
|It is totally normal for me to have saved this photo to my computer. Hush.|
When I first started in the scene, I used to think that belt-spanking felt a little bit abusive, and I wasn’t at a point where I could kind of delight in that darkness or “own” negative memories. This picture was the first thing that made me question that. It’s just… hot. Domly and manly and perfect. He’s just got the ideal belting energy for whatever reason. To this day, that photo makes my stomach feel a bit fluttery.
From the first time that we met at the first cabin party, I’ve wanted YS to spank me with his belt, and he’s always been happy to oblige me. This moment was no exception. I hugged a pillow and pushed my bottom up to prepare to receive it. My memory does not perceive the spanking as having been particularly hard, but more as being endorphine-y and enjoyable. At one point, he caught me rather firmly across my sit spot and I opened my mouth to whimper or protest, but the sound which came out instead was “Thank you, Sir.”
This is something that Malignus taught me to intentionally say to keep myself focused on submission instead of starting to resist. If I tell myself that I want it, it becomes much easier to take and to take well. In this case, I hadn’t even intended to do it. It just came out because it was the right thing to say.
“Spontaneous thanking. I like that,” YS said with a smile in his voice. It added to the warm and safe feeling that was dominating my brain at the moment.
I don’t remember the scene actually ending. I know that somehow I found myself being cuddled and comforted, and being very pleased with the soreness in my bottom and the fact that YS had put it there.
He told me that I was a sweet girl and stroked my hair a bit, and I responded with a much shyer “Thank you, Sir.”
When we came out, ellee was happy and excited on my behalf, bouncing around with compersion. It made me grin. I knew that the rest of the party was going to be wonderful.
I was so excited to finally see you after so long. I enjoyed every second of that first play session. I felt relieved to finally be able to get you. It was a great start to the weekend <3
I agree. Thank you for making it so wonderful. <3
“I worry that people don’t like me as much as I like them, or that I’m shockingly socially awkward despite my best efforts, or I start comparing myself to my friends and peers negatively.”
Those feelings aren’t stupid at all and you are not alone in having them. I can feel very insecure in social settings like parties. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone even though I’m in a room full of people, like I’m detached from my body and on the outside looking in on the situation. Like I’m back amongst school kids. “Is anyone going to pick me?”
TTWD puts us in a very vulnerable place and I’ve always felt like any emotion I have, good or bad, is intensified by ten when dealing with spanking and the relationships involved in it. And that includes all my normal insecurities that just get heightened.
I don’t think it’s odd at all to have saved the belt pic of YS. I have a whole folder on my computer just for stuff like that. I mean.. what? It sounds like it was a great scene and way to reconnect at the start of your big weekend.
I agree with you about how it intensifies emotions. Being that vulnerable makes everything feel stronger, and because I’m not always the most secure person, I end up in states like that. Fortunately, there are lots of positive feelings as well, and those are equally intense. 🙂
Awww…This is such a great post. Thank you for sharing! And I’m pretty sure everyone you meet likes you. You are adorable 🙂
Thanks for your comment, Dawn! You’re super sweet.
Awww, this made me happy. Spontaneous thanking is lovely when it happens.
Also: I approve heartily of that photo of YS. Rawr.
Rawr indeed! I am so excited that you get to meet him and ellee at BBW. Having so many of my favorite people in one place is going to make my head explode! If only Catface could also come…