Last week on Fetlife, I responded to a comment on a Fetlife photo letting someone know that I didn’t appreciate the way that he had spoken to me. One of my friends wrote back saying that maybe I could do a guide regarding what kind of comments are and aren’t okay, since some people are genuinely not sure. I don’t expect that this guide is going to make a difference in the way that people comment on photos, but it will make me feel like I did my best to share my thoughts on what is and isn’t okay. So here it goes!
Note: ALL the comments I use as examples in this are based on real shit that I got. As always, these thoughts are my feelings, and I’m sure that there are many people who don’t agree with me. Take them as such, not as the Holy Gospel of Spanking Truth (because that’s not the name of this blog, is it?)
1) Rule one: respect.
On Fetlife, tumblr, blogs and other social media used for kink, people share photos with strangers that are of a kinky and or sexual nature. Just because someone is showing themselves off sexually it doesn’t mean that they are inviting you to talk about them in explicit, objectifying ways. This is an idea which is very hard for a lot of people. Recently, there was a high profile piece of writing on Fetlife in which a girl said (I’m paraphrasing, but these are the real ideas) “If you’re a smart girl, you won’t wear slutty clothes in a dark alley at night because you know that makes you likely to be raped. Likewise, if you’re a smart girl you won’t post slutty photos online, because you know that makes you likely to be talked about in a way that makes you uncomfortable.”
I was in a horrible rage after I read that. I had to quit the internet, go cuddle my cats and then take a walk before I could get back to work. The idea that if you show yourself off and get attention that you don’t want, it’s your own damn fault for tempting others with your body is one of the biggest problems with our culture. A girl can want to look sexy and be treated with respect. These are not mutually exclusive. A girl can put her photos out there because she wants attention. This is not a bad thing. It is okay to want attention. Wanting attention doesn’t mean wanting every kind of attention. Throw the attitude of “If you didn’t want me to say xyz, then you shouldn’t have posted naked photos to the internet” in the trash, now. The guiding rule to commenting on kinky photos anywhere on the internet is to treat the people in the pictures with respect. They’re making themselves vulnerable, whether they are professional fetish models like me or “amateur” exhibitionists doing it for a thrill or anything in between. You get the reap the benefits of an internet which is stuffed to the gills with every kind of sexy, kinky photos you can imagine. Treat them with respect. Unsure how to do that? Read on!
2) Don’t say anything in a comment on someone’s photo that you wouldn’t say to their face. Sometimes, the anonymity of the internet makes us feel braver than we actually are. Imagine yourself at a party and the person whose photo it is walks in. Chances are, you’re a total stranger to this person. Would you really lean in and say “Wow, what a butt, I’d love to be balls deep in it”?
3) There are some thoughts that are best kept to yourself.
As a fetish model, it’s my job to make people horny. I’m under no illusion as to what many people do when they look at my photos and videos. It’s the same exact thing that I’ve been doing while looking at spanking photos and videos for the past ten years. You don’t have to tell me about it, and if you do want to, there are right and wrong ways to do it. Here’s a list of examples, ranging from nicest to most awful:
^_^ Wow, I really enjoyed this photo. Thanks for sharing, it made my day.
😀 This is a really erotic shot. So hot!
🙂 You’re super sexy and it’s so working for me.
: / This made me incredibly horny to look at.
-_- Yikes, I need to keep tissues by my desk when looking at your profile.
>_< When I saw this, my dick got hard and I stroked it while thinking about you until I came all over my pants.
>_< *Emails or uploads a photo of having printed out stranger’s photo and ejaculated all over it*
How come certain comments about being made horny by photos are okay and others aren’t? For one thing, comments that come from a friend, play partner or lover are going to be greeted with more excitement than those that come from a total stranger. If you don’t know a person or know who he or she is involved with, don’t take the fact that the poster responded positively to one such comment as an invitation to add a similar one of your own. Another thing: being funny about it, especially in a self deprecating way, makes it less uncomfortable, although again, this works better with people who you know. As a general rule, the more language relating to your genitalia and the fluids that come out of it when you’re aroused that you include, the less likely it is to go over well.
On a related note, nothing gets a stern “No” or a comment deletion from me more quickly than describing what sort of sexual acts you’d like to do with me. I post a photo of myself posing nude on the sofa with my bottom out and someone responds with “That ass is just calling for me to stick my thick cock in it and make you squirm with pleasure.” I promptly delete that, because who the fuck are you?! I don’t want your dick. Remember this, strangers, unless you happen to have the proverbial chocolate penis which shoots money, I don’t want your dick (and even then, I mostly only want it for entertainment/money collecting purposes, because chocolate is probably not a good thing to put in your vag). I have five sexual partners. All of them use Fetlife. All of them manage to keep their internet comments about my body classy, 100 percent of the time. So can you. So, go ahead and have that fantasy. Spend so much time thinking about how my curvy bottom must feel to touch that you miss the bus and end up late for work. Just don’t comment saying “I spent so much time thinking about how your curvy bottom must feel to touch that I missed the bus and was late for work.” I don’t find it offensive at all if you fantasize about having hardcore, D/s sex with me. I just don’t want you to write me a two page long poem about how you fantasize about having hardcore, D/s sex with me.
4) Watch the language you use to talk about someone’s body.
Don’t tell a girl that her tits are small, even if they’re small. She knows. Don’t tell someone that she’s chubby, even if she is. She knows. You think that really tall girl looks weird OTK? Don’t point it out. Don’t call body parts “fat,” “wide,” “huge,” “chunky” et cetera, even if it feels like a compliment in your mind. I have a friend who has really big breasts. I think they’re gorgeous, but I don’t comment on her photos saying “You have really big breasts.” Why? Because I don’t know how she feels about it. Maybe she hates her chest, since it developed when she was in middle school and subjected her to teasing from her peers, makes finding appropriately fitting tops difficult, causes her buttons to pull uncomfortably during professional settings and draws unavoidable attention to one of the most sexual parts of her body wherever she goes. Sure, maybe she loves it. Maybe in her mind, it’s her best feature, and she loves the way her shape accents her femininity and she feels empowered by the fact that she can make even a baggy, old men’s shirt look sexy as fuck. The point is, I don’t know how she feels about her body. Besides, I can compliment her breasts without having to talk about the size of them: “You have a gorgeous chest” works just fine. I much prefer “I love the shape of your bottom, it’s delightful” to “Wonderful plump rump!”
If you’re in doubt, compliment the entire thing instead of just a single body part. “You have such a great figure” goes over much better than “I love your tits.” On that note, try to find words to describe body parts that are somewhere between ridiculously childish and offensively crude. Guys, would you like it if girls referred to your “peepee” when you upload a sexy, nude photo of yourself? That’s how I feel when guys use words like “tatas” or “hooha” to talk about my body. It’s embarrassingly uncomfortable. On the other end of the spectrum, I don’t want you talking about my twat or cunt. No. Do not do. Someone once referred to my butt as a “sexy shitter.” Worst. Ever. Can’t come up with a word that doesn’t seem uncomfortable? Don’t make the comment, easy as that.
5) This is not your scene.
“That’s a well spanked bottom, but why are your panties still up? I only spank on the bare.” “Sexy lingerie, but I don’t like the heels. I prefer a woman barefoot.” “Great outdoor nude, but you could use some cane stripes on that bottom.” “What a fun day, but you’re wearing too much clothing! You look so much sexier with less on!” “Needs more color, that’s just a warmup!” “Woah, that’s way too severe for me! Redness only, no bruises here!” “Just corner time? I give my subs corner time with a butt plug and vaginal dildo in place and tell them not to touch themselves. Your way is lame.” “If I did that to a woman, I’d report myself to the police.” “The front of the thighs? That’s not a spanking. Yuck.” “If someone treated me like a little girl like that, I’d punch him in the face.” “I would never go out of the house wearing that, it’s way too short!” “You call that a caning? I’d make you bleed!” “Why are you wearing clothes in the bath, idiot?” “Stop smiling! It’s supposed to hurt!” “Wet and messy is fucking disgusting.” “He missed a spot! Go back and get her thighs!” “What a tame photo, not sexy at all.” “You have too much stuff on your walls, it’s distracting me from your tits.” “Those socks suck, take them off so I can see your feet.” “I hate the cane, it’s too brutal. I’d give you a nice hand spanking instead.” “Granny panties? Where’s your sexy thong?” “I don’t want to see anymore pictures of your ass looking like hamburger meat.” “Why aren’t you nude?” “Flashing your panties in public should earn you another spanking!”
Shut up. Just shut up. It is not your scene. It is my scene. I enjoyed this scene, so I took a photo of it and put them on the internet to share with you. I can’t please everyone. I do a huge variety of things, and post a variety of pictures. If this one doesn’t satisfy you, look at some others. If none of mine do, find another person whose pictures do. Don’t want to play the way I do? You don’t have to. No one is asking you to. If for some reason you feel the need to share the fact that you don’t like to play a particular way that someone else does, there’s a nice way to do this. For example: “That’s a bit too intense for me, personally, but I’m glad that you got what you needed!” or “I prefer to only be spanked on the bottom, but if you liked this thigh caning, more power to you!” Or, have your own damn scene.
6) Singling one person out for a compliment is a passive insult at the rest of the people in the photo.
“I like the bottom on the far right,” said one commenter on the group shot I posted of all the ladies following our spankings for Sternwood Academy. He was talking about Cheyenne Jewel’s gorgeous bottom. The problem is that there are seven girls in the shot, each with their own, uniquely gorgeous bottom. Everyone who is into girls and is looking at a group of girls can pick out the one which they think is the most attractive. When you comment to let us know which one it is, you’re telling everyone else in the group that they aren’t your favorite, especially uncomfortable when the picture was posted by someone who you didn’t choose. My ex used to say “When girls aren’t having pillow fights in their pajamas, they’re comparing themselves to each other.” While this attitude on women is a bit dismissive and problematic, there is a twinkle of truth to part of it. Girls compare themselves to each other. Chances are, if you have seven girls in a photo, every single one of them thinks that they look the worst out of the bunch. One girl feels too tall. One girl feels too short. One girl worries that she has a fat butt. One girl worries that she doesn’t have enough of a butt. “Her thighs are thinner than mine.” “Her legs are longer than mine.” “Her feet are more dainty than mine.” “Her hair looks better than mine.” “Her butt reddens more than mine.” “She’s more spankable than I am.” “She’s cuter than me.” “She’s younger than me.” It goes on and on in our minds.
Don’t play into this. Either compliment the group or don’t comment.
7) Respect that your kink is not necessarily my kink.
There is one person who frequently comments on my photos who is really into enema play. I’m not really into enema play. On nearly every spanking photo, he comments with a description of how he imagined the scene went: “After a long hard spanking, she got a big, cold water enema to clean her out, leaving her feeling really punished!” I always end up either deleting the comment or responding saying “No, that’s not what happened, or what will happen.” This is sort of a combination of keeping your fantasy to yourself and understanding that this is not your scene, but it’s a particular thing which happens an awful lot, so I figured it needed it’s own note. I especially notice that there are a lot of spankos commenting on pictures of girls who have the (in their mind, unfortunate) combination of an attractive bottom and a different fetish than spanking. They tell these girls that they have very spankable bottoms, and that they’d love to turn them over their knees for a good bottom reddening. If someone told me that, I’d smile. If this person’s kink is decorative rope bondage, or service oriented submission, or feet, or anything else that isn’t spanking related, then this comment is putting your fetish on someone else who doesn’t have that kink, and that’s an uncomfortable feeling. Don’t know if someone is into your kink? Check their profile for signs that they are before you comment to such an effect.
I might come back and add more to this post later, but for now, I think this covers the basics (and I’m hungry, so I think my writing quality is deteriorating). Thoughts? Please add yours in the comment section (respectfully, of course!) ♥
I recently did a post in which I went through the search terms which had lead people to my blog and pulled out those which were in the form of questions and then answered them. Upon recent inspection, this has lead to many more questions being asked me. I’ve decided to keep doing this. I find this fun. This is almost like formspring!
Can an adult punishment spanking produce tears?
Yes, it absolutely can. Will it? Not necessarily. Many people, however, even those who don’t often cry from spankings in other atmosphere, find that disciplinary spankings bring them to tears. I pretty much always cry if I’m being disciplined, even if it’s not with a spanking. I hate the feeling of being in trouble!
Can a mermaid be spanked?
If a mermaid was real, I’m certain she could be. It would just have to be above the surface, since I know from experience that it’s nearly impossible to spank underwater! 🙂
Can you spank yourself with a sjambok?
I think that a sjambok is probably the worst self spanking implement possible. It’s too long and rigid to actually properly reach your bottom with it. A very flexible leather implement such as a well worn belt might work, but hand held items like wooden spoons and hairbrushes are pretty much the best for self spanking, at least the way I’ve done it.
Do lexan paddles cause permanent harm?
Any implement can cause permanent harm if used improperly. A lexan paddle, at least a thick one, is very heavy and therefore carries a greater risk of injury than a lighter implement. It isn’t something I’d recommend a novice Top experiment with, and it’s not something to go into fearfully for the bottom. If you’re worried enough about it to google it, you should probably pass on it. There are plenty of other implements out there.
Do you feel more feminine after a spanking?
It’s not something I’ve ever thought about before, but I suppose I do in a certain way. I do feel very aware of my femininity when I’m having my skirt lifted up and my panties pulled down, and I like feeling like a domesticated woman, which spankings of a certain style lead me to feel. It isn’t the thing I’d ask for if I felt a need to be feminine, though. In that case, I’m more likely to put on a fancy dress and do my hair and makeup. 🙂
How much do spanking models get paid?
That depends on a lot of variables and is pretty unique from situation to situation. It’s not something that I discuss outwardly, as a general rule.
How do I accept a spanking?
I’m not entirely sure what this question means, but I think that it could be a request for advice on how to take a spanking well. For me, the answer to this comes from being passive, relaxing my body and giving up my willful feelings against the spanking. That’s what leads me to feeling like I’ve “accepted” a spanking instead of just had it happen to me. 🙂
How do I get my bottom spanked?
If you’re eighteen years old or older, I’d recommend checking out Spankfinder or Fetlife for Tops in your area, or consider going to a spanking party like Boardwalk Badness Weekend, Crimson Moon, Florida Moonshine or Shadowlane (to name a few!). There are also smaller spanking themed parties in many cities that just last for an evening but are still lots of fun. You can also try contacting a professional Top in or visiting your area if you’re having trouble getting exactly what you want.
How do I soothe a spanked bottom?
Ice. Lotion. Gentle rubbing. Sometimes, softer hand-spanking can help, too. If the pain is really severe, such as if it’s keeping you from falling asleep at night or waking you up when you roll over, I recommend taking some ibuprofen.
What are ways to make myself cry from a spanking?
The best way to make yourself cry is to focus on feeling vulnerable. I find it effective to just force myself to think about the position that I’m in and keep my mind on that. Malignus will sometimes lead me to this state by telling me to think about the fact that my bottom is bare and I am going to be spanked, or by stopping a spanking partway through and telling me to think about how much it has hurt so far. I also find that not reacting verbally for the beginning of the spanking and letting that build in my chest often brings me to actually crying instead of just wailing and yelping when I do start to react. Really, though, it’s all about being able to be vulnerable with your Top. Having that safety and trust can go a long, long way.
What should I put on my spanked bottom?
The lotion that I prefer is St. Ives with Colagen Elastin, but Lubriderm is also excellent. I’ve recently been using creams that are meant to get rid of callouses on feet, also, but not immediately after a spanking. They usually include some level of menthol, though, and I think that many people would find that to feel good on a spanked bottom. I personally don’t like to use anything that will get rid of too much of the sting, as I like feeling well spanked for as long as possible afterwards.
Why does your butt get hot when spanked?
Because more blood runs to the effected area. If a cold blooded humanoid was spanked (and, you know, if that was real), she would not experience this same sensation. Your body temperature is not actually affected by a spanking.
Why do spankings hurt?
Because you are getting hit, duh.
More scientifically speaking, the nociceptors in the buttocks receive the signal that there is damage and send this to the brain in the form of physical pain. The reason that spanking with certain implements like canes have a superficial pain at first and then a much stronger pain a few seconds after impact is because a second set of nociceptors are present deeper in the the tissues and are in place to detect injury there. It takes longer for these signals to get the brain in the form of pain.
I learned this stuff from Malignus, so I hope I remembered it properly. 🙂
Will arnica make my spanked butt heal faster?
In my experience, no, it doesn’t really do anything. A lot of people swear by it, though, but I’ve never seen an improvement in my bruises after using it.
On a regular basis, I look at what search terms get me the most traffic. I’m not obsessed with search engine optimization or anything, but I do like to know what people are looking for when they come here. From time to time, though, I sort through the less popular search terms. I’ll go through the whole list! Some of them are laughably weird. Others are more of what I’d expect. There are quite a few people that reach my blog by typing a question into a search engine. This is a practice that makes me think of my friend and former blogger Sophie, who first discovered the internet spanking world by typing “How do I get a spanking” into a search engine.
I’ve decided that I’m going to go through and directly answer the questions that were posed to me indirectly through the form of my search terms. Sounds like fun to me. 🙂
Q: How do I care for a spanked bottom?
A: I recommend referring to this post for detailed information on the subject. In the immediate short term, I recommend ice, lotion and, if available, gentle butt massage. 🙂
Q: Are spankings really enjoyable?
A: My immediate answer to this would be “fuck yes!” because to me, there’s no question. There are a lot of intricacies to this, though. For example, disciplinary spankings are by no means enjoyable, even though they are important to me and an extremely effective tool in the process of my amelioration and growth. Other spankings are only enjoyable because of the feeling of submission which they conjure up in my heart and the satisfaction of knowing that it pleased my partner to spank me in such a manner. At the end of the day, though, being spanked by someone who loves me makes me feel loved, no matter the situation or atmosphere. There are always going to be spankings that are less enjoyable: the awkward ones when getting to know a play partner, the guy at a party whose style just doesn’t click with you at all, the Top you don’t really know who accidentally crosses some kind of line, et cetera. So, I can’t say that ALL spankings are enjoyable, but as a general rule, yes, spankings are awesome.
THAT SAID, I am speaking from the viewpoint of a true, hardwired spanko. I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like for someone who is not one such to experience a spanking. I would imagine that for someone with other interests in bottoming in the kink community, it could be anything from a nice change of pace to slightly humiliating to downright strange. Those who aren’t already interested in having painful things done to them would probably be extremely shaken. I can’t begin to fathom what it would be like for a vanilla person to experience the kinds of spankings that I do. I’ve talked to a number of Tops who really fetishize the idea of spanking a vanilla girl, but it just seems really, really awful to me (unless, of course, you only gave her a very symbolic spanking).
To finalize my excessively long answer to this, spankings are almost always enjoyable in some form, if you’re a spanko or a kinkster interested in spanking. Whew!
Q: Black nylon cane. Good?
A: I have a black nylon cane. It was a gift to me from SF. It’s one of the harshest implements I own, and it’s pretty scary. Malignus is impressive skilled at caning and he uses it well, but because it’s a very dynamic implement and has enormous flexibility, it’s very difficult to manage. If you’re a Top who is good with canes and looking for something whippy, flexible and capable of delivering a world of hurt, then yes, it’s good. If you’re a bottom, no, it’s not, unless you’re really looking to be sorry, want to be pushed to submit or are a crazy masochist.
Q: Capsaicin cream before or after spanking?
A: As a general rule, when capsaicin has been applied to me, it’s been after a spanking. I have had it applied and then been given additional swats to the area (this was on my inner thigh) and said additional swats felt horrible and made me roll around all over the floor. I suppose it could be used before, in order to make the entire spanking feel like that. Be careful to avoid getting it in eyes, nose et cetera, and not to get it on broken skin. Multiple reports suggest that this is actual torture.
Or, you know, you could be a nice person and not use it all unless you have arthritis and need to warm your joints. That’d be cool, too.
Q: Describe a spanking with an ebony hairbrush.
A: Heather W, in one of our first conversations, described it like this: “…then he spanked me with an ebony hairbrush, which, in case you weren’t aware, is no different than a ROCK.” The material which is closest in effect to an ebony hairbrush, in my opinion, is a small, thick lexan paddle. Ebony is just different than other wood, in a “oh holy mother of god, this hurts!” kind of way. It’s heavy, and hairbrushes have a small spanking surface, so they provide very concentrated pain. They’re also usually a pretty comfortable shape for the spanker to hold, so they can get a good grip and really get you with it. While I really hate being spanked with my ebony hairbrush, it’s something that I do appreciate, because it’s highly effective. It’s a formidable implement. That’s the best phrasing I have for it.
Q: Did God make the butt for spanking?
A: No. In my opinion, God didn’t make the butt for anything, because I entirely reject the belief in deities and in creationism. However, the evolutionary purpose of the human buttocks is not related to spanking, either. Rounded butts on female humans evolved for the purposes of showing off estrogen levels and healthy amounts of fat stores, and to emphasize the size and shape of pelvis and highlight the child-bearing capacity there of. Aside from protecting the tailbone, a fleshy butt seems to have no evolutionary purpose besides to look hot. The cultural evolution of the concept of spanking (both consensual and otherwise) is something that fascinates me, and which I’d like to learn more about in the future, especially as it links to the confusing nature of how, exactly, spankos came to exist.
Q: Do girls like to be spanked in tight jeans?
A: As a general rule, I wouldn’t even say “girls like to be spanked” at all, as I described in an earlier question. I’d personally rather be spanked on my bare bottom than on jeans, because of the increased vulnerability and the fact that this feels warmer and closer to the “ideal spanking” which is imprinted somewhere in my mind as a comfort zone. I do appreciate the protection that jeans can give me, and the nifty fact that when Malignus hits me really hard with a cane over my jeans, it leaves cane stripes on the denim!
|Note, I have a crazy wedgie here because my ass was swollen from getting spanked all weekend long and didn’t fit properly in my jeans at the moment this was taken.
Q: Does it make a spanked bottom feel better to rub it?
A: It won’t cure it, but rubs definitely feel nice on a spanked bottom. The appropriate amount of firmness depends on just how sore the bottom is, but I’ve never been spanked in such a way that at least light rubbing wasn’t soothing.
Q: How do you heal a bruise caused by spanking your wife?
A: Arnica is supposed to reduce bruising, but I don’t use it. I’ve never seen much of a difference whether I used it or not, and it often just dries my skin out. I find that the immediate application of ice followed by massaging and sometimes gentle hand-spanking is the best way to prevent and then get rid of bruising.
Q: Help me become a spanking model?
A: Email me at email@example.com if you want more information about this!
Q: How are cane-iac products labeled when shipping?
A: They arrive in a long, cardboard package with no spanking related words anywhere on the package. I can’t remember the name on the return address, but it’s just a kind of unusual sounding name.
Q: How old were you when you got your first spanking from your boyfriend?
A: I, personally, didn’t get a spanking from a boyfriend until I was 24 and Malignus became my boyfriend. I got spanked for the first time when I was 18, but I always had different Tops than boyfriends until Malignus. 🙂
Q: How do I hire a spanking model?
A: This is another more complex and business related question which I will answer if you email me. 🙂
Q: Is capzacin ok to use on a bruise butt for spankings? [sic]A: It is safe to apply capsaicin cream to a butt after a spanking whether or not bruising is present. It won’t decrease bruising, and anyone who is telling you so is just lying to you to try and trick you into accepting the cream. Capsaicin hurts a lot. Some people enjoy this kind of hurting, while others stand in front of a fan for hours while crying. I lean more to the side of “standing in front of a fan crying” but it’s different for everyone. 😀
Q: Should a punishment spanking cause crying and tears?
A: There really isn’t any “should” to spankings in my opinion, aside from the fact that I very firmly believe that only consenting adults should be spanked. In my case, disciplinary spankings pretty much always cause me to cry, and I wouldn’t feel properly chastised if it ended before the point of tears for some reason, and I’d probably ask to be spanked more and harder. It really depends on the person, though. Some people just can’t cry from a spanking.
Q: Should a spanking leave a woman’s bottom bruised?
A: Again, there’s no “should” here. It’s hard to bruise my bottom at this point, although Malignus did succeed at that this weekend. I used to bruise at basically a touch, so it was impossible for me not to be bruised after a spanking. Those physiological differences have to be accounted for, as do social reasons such as people who might see bruises or welts and not accept them and, of course, the preferences of both partners.
Q: What is a spanko?
A: A spanko is a person who fetishizes spanking, or a person involved in BDSM who has a strong preference for spanking related activities. A “hardwired spanko” is a person who has had an interest in or obsession with spanking since their early life and a “spanko purist” is someone who only fetishizes spanking and not other BDSM activities.
Q: Will my first spanking make me cry?
A: This really depends on you. Mine did, although not immediately. About half way into it, I started to cry, and I ended up really sobbing and bawling. This was mostly because it felt so goddamn good to be finally getting a spanking, and I was able to finally let go of all the anxiety that I’d built up around it from the time that I was a child. Some people do not cry the first time they are spanked, but later become comfortable enough with spanking, their Top, themselves et cetera to be able to cry. Some people never cry from a spanking. This is a frustration to some, but others don’t really have any interest in it. It depends on you. 🙂
For whatever reason, I had a lot of fun doing this. Hooray!
I have a couple of friends online who are anticipating receiving their first spankings. Talking to them about it reminds me of when I was at that stage in my journey as a spanko. There’s an awful lot that can be learned about spanking from the internet. Just reading fetlife, or even spanking stories, can teach you most of the basics about how things tend to go. Watching videos can sometimes give you insights into some of the mysteries of things: for example, things that make the person getting spanked yell and twist more probably hurt more. Still, there’s stuff that seems to be common knowledge among some people that, six years into my adventure, I’m just picking up on. I decided to list some tips for new spankees. Feel free to add your own in the comments section! Note: I write using male pronouns for the Top and female for the bottom. This is because of the way that my mind is wired, and it just makes things easier (kind of the way they assign a gender to the Game Master and Player in Roleplaying game rulebooks so that they don’t have to keep saying “he or she.” I’m not a geek. Really.)
1) Wait until you are 18 to start. I can’t stress this enough. When I was 17 and I first met the man who later became my first Top, the fact that he refused to spank me until I reached 18 seemed really stupid to me. It didn’t make sense to me why it was such a big deal. I saw myself as an adult and I felt that I was “ready” to participate in an adult activity. Now, I’m deeply appreciative that he waited until the next year for my first scene. In retrospect, it’s a sign of his integrity and trustworthiness, and it’s just the right thing to do, period. I sound like a Top when I say this, but laws exist for a reason. The age of majority may seem arbitrary, but it exists to protect minors and to make sure that no one is coerced into something dangerous. Respecting this law is respecting the very basis of the spanking community: that we engage in consensual adult spanking.
2) Communicate with your Top during a spanking. This is also incredibly important. Tops aren’t mind readers. Everyone reacts to a spanking differently. Some people twist and writhe around when everything is fine and dandy– just because in your mind, it seems obvious that you are in distress doesn’t mean that it seems that way. Generally, an attentive spanker will ask questions regarding the bottom’s condition during a scene until he knows her reactions well. That said, if you aren’t being asked for this information, volunteer it. Say “This is more than I’m comfortable with” or “I’m doing well” every now and then.
3) Come prepared to use safewords, even if you don’t believe you’ll need to. I have had a lot of talk about how I don’t use safewords and I prefer to communicate verbally (since I don’t participate in consensual non-consent, when I say “stop!” or “I don’t want to be getting spanked anymore!” or something, I actually mean that I want the scene to end) but I still have a system of individual safewords (it’s based on Pokemon) that I’ve used when playing with new partners in the past, and I’ve used (as in, actually called) the Universal Safeword of “Red!” once. Keep that in the back of your mind when you scene, just in case.
4) Remember that there are plenty of spankos out there! Nearly every time I hear stories about girls who stay with men who are abusive to them within the spanking scene, the girl expresses that she believed that he was “special” in the fact that he was willing to spank her, or that he told her that he was the only one who would really understand her or that he was the best in the scene or some other line that encouraged the spankee to feel dependent. Especially if you aren’t involved in the community, that can seem incredibly true. I spent my early life wondering if there was a single man in the world who would be willing to spank a girl, and if so, how I’d ever find him. The truth is, there a bunches and bunches of awesome Tops out there. You don’t have to stay with a jerkface.
5) Spankos, like all living things, grow and develop. When I first started getting spanked, I only wanted to be spanked for punitive reasons. I eventually began to enjoy a very rare fun or arbitrary spanking, but it was not until I ended my dynamic with my first Top that I realized the ways in which my desires and interests had started to change. It took me another year of playing around with different people, learning about the community and doing soul-searching before I realized that submission was something that I wanted to explore for myself. Be open to the ways that you might be changing and don’t box yourself in.
6) Talk to other people. Spankos are cool. We make great friends. Reaching out and talking to others makes for good socializing and fosters a feeling of belonging in the community. More importantly, it opens you up to new ideas and allows you to learn from people, gives you a chance to ask questions and seek guidance and can help you to accept yourself. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I personally waited far too long before I did.
Practical Tips: some of these things might seem way too obvious, but it’s stuff that either I didn’t know when I first started out and found surprising or I didn’t believe for a long time.
7) Getting hit on the thighs hurts a lot! Thigh swats may or may not lead to sudden butt death depending on who you ask, but they’re a fairly common practice in the spanking community. S_F used it as a threat for a long time: “If you don’t hold still, I’m going to spank your thighs.” I didn’t even get why that was a threat. I just thought that it meant that a greater amount of my body was going to get hit. Then one day, I didn’t hold still. And then I understood. It’s horrible! The lower you go, the worse it gets. Be warned!
8) Icing works after a spanking, but never before. I just finished learning this lesson a week or so ago. It isn’t an old wive’s tale: getting spanked when your bottom is cold or has been iced is hellish! Using ice after a spanking is soothing and wonderful, plus it prevents bruising, but for the love of all that’s sacred, don’t use it unless you are SURE that you are done getting spanked for a while. It’s at least twice as bad after icing.
9) Wet bottom spankings don’t just sound louder. That’s what I’d been told: the sound of the impact is increased on a wet bottom so it has the psychological effect of sounding louder and therefore seeming scarier. That’s true. It’s incorrect that that’s all there is to it. It hurts more. A lot.
10) Don’t let curiosity kill the cat. If someone seasoned tells you something is horrible, you should probably trust them. If you don’t know if something is going to be extreme or not, you should probably ask another bottom before you try it. One of my best friends told me that the first time that she tried capsaicin cream it was her idea because she read about it on the internet! She didn’t know how bad it was going to be (and neither did her spanker) and she ended up standing in front of a fan crying for a long time. While I’m giving advice, avoid capsaicin. You’ll end up in front of a fan crying. You don’t want that.
11) Just tell everyone you’re allergic to rubber. Trust me on that one. Neoprene? Hypoallergenic? No. You’re allergic to that, too.