As my time in England drew to a close, I felt a certain sense of sadness drawing on me. While my trip had begun with me hating everything and desperately wanting to be home, the thought of leaving now made my heart heavy. Of course I was looking forward to seeing everyone that I hadn’t for so long, but it didn’t stop my other feelings. I was made more sensitive and vulnerable than I usually am (so, that’s saying something!) by the combination of this and a stressful situation that was going on back in the states. Everyone remained very patient with me, though and I got to have several more exciting adventures before the day did arrive when I had to leave.
One day, close to the end of my visit, Paul took me for a walk on the shore. Having grown up by the sea, I’m always fascinated by visiting beaches that are different than the New Jersey coastline that I identify in my mind when I hear the word “ocean.” It was very different: the waves were small and choppy, but without foam, the water seemed to be a different hue, and the beach itself was made up of a mixture of tiny rocks and broken shells.
Being by the water is linked to the majority of my positive childhood memories, and it’s a setting that brings me back to a happy part of my mind, making me feel small, but in an entirely comfortable way. Paul held my hand as we walked along, although I constantly stopped to pick up tiny seashells. These shells are precious to me, now, and I always have one of them in the pocket of my favorite sweater, and just running my fingers over it reminds me of that buffer I talked about before: safety, comfort and love. I later discovered that one of them has a hole in it naturally, so I stuck it on a chain and often wear it as a necklace.
|Shell necklace, as seen around my neck in this photo from the other day by Amoni.|
Another fun experience happened when Zoe came over and spent the night (along with two other girls who I didn’t really know) and mass girliness ensued. It was lovely to hang out in a group of people, where we chatted and drank champagne while Lucy dyed one of the other girls’ hair, but the part of the evening that mostly stands out in my mind was once Zoe and I were meant to go to bed. She was staying in the same room as me, and in the time honored tradition of any two girls spending a night together that usually don’t, we stayed up extremely late chatting. We kept giggling and then remembering to be quiet and whispering for a moment, and then someone would say something that would make the other gasp and we’d forget and get noisy again. We talked about all kinds of things, including how we got into the scene and how we both started filming, and we shared awkward but funny stories and even a few personal secrets. Eventually, we went to sleep, but not without several false starts of “Okay, we really have to go to bed now!” “Alex! It’s three! Go to sleep!” “Zoe! Stop talking!”
The next morning, Zoe painted my nails for me. She’s into nail art, and I asked her to do Pikachu faces for me, which she gladly and successfully did. I found this to be the most delightful thing that has ever happened to my hands (in a few days you will hear about the least delightful thing that has ever happened to my hands). I’m still impressed with how cute they are. It was a sad day when I eventually had to take them off.
|Zoe Page is the most awesome ever.|
I think it was the next day that I left Paul and Lucy’s house. Paul took me to another town, where we were both filming for Bars and Stripes on the day before I had to leave to go back. I was quite sad to leave, and I said my goodbyes to Lucy then, although I would be seeing her at BBW as well.
Shooting for Bars was incredibly fun for me. There was the fact that there were a ton of people that I liked all on set together: Paul, Stephen and Zoe all topped me (I got to be the center of lots of tops’ attention again! Bonus!) and Michael was filming. We were filming at Dodgy Dave’s place, and he was around and assisting, and I got to know him a bit. It was just a lovely group of people, and a wonderful way to end my visit. I also loved the content that we filmed. I mentioned before that I’ve recently gotten more into doing “dark and horrible” scenes. At some point, I realized that as much as I love the sweet and innocent stuff, or the very consensual play that I engage in at home, as much as I relish in the good feeling of being beaten by someone with affection for me, there’s something that I find positively invigorating about scenes with non consensual themes. I’ve gotten very fond of abuses of power, force, pressure, terrible unfairness, power held via intimidation rather than respect and so on (in role play, of course). The content that we filmed for Bars was all about that stuff. There was no “you’re really a good girl, we care about you quite a bit, but you’re going to get spanked anyway.” In it’s place was a general sense of nastiness, authority figures who disliked me and were very liberal with their force, yelling, shouting back and forth at each other, manhandling, trickery and sleeping on the floor with only a blanket. Again, whenever I say that I’m getting into something new, I don’t mean that my interest in this replaces anything that I was previously into, or is more important than that which I traditionally liked all of the sudden. It’s just an expansion of my taste to include additional things, or a growth of my set of options.
I originally kind of imagined that there would be something uncomfortable about filming this sort of stuff with people who were my favorite people in real life, like I wouldn’t be able to take their scariness seriously. In actuality, it was probably only as awesome as it was because of the fact that I knew and trusted everyone involved. It was delightful to step so far outside of myself that I was in a world where I was fearful and angry towards these people one moment, and then, as soon as we cut, I immediately started snuggling them. I trusted everyone enough that there was no real emotional discomfort when things got intense. I just felt very secure, and delighted by the darkness of the scenes. I don’t mean to say that any of the stuff we filmed was vicious. It just wasn’t “nice.” But it was hot. All of it felt wonderful to do.
The final scene that I filmed in England was a double caning from Paul and Stephen, and it was probably the best film to finish with. I’ve always been kind of infatuated by the idea of co-topping, and I hadn’t had a lot of chances to do well developed scenes of that nature before this trip. I was lucky enough to get to do two of them: the scene I’m discussing and one for Dreams of Spanking where I got double strapped by Pandora Blake and Thomas Cameron. Both of these scenes were delightful. Besides all the things I’ve just discussed above, there were two things about this scene that really stood out to me. One was the fact that for part of it, the two Tops were kind of chatting amongst themselves about things unrelated to the work at hand (that is to say, unrelated to caning me). I found this to be horribly dismissive and objectifying in a way that was incredibly appropriate to the scene and was also thrilling. The other moment which stands out to me was near the end of the scene when I was made to thank Officer Kennedy for beating me. This stands out in my mind because it made me aware of just how deeply into my character role I’d gotten and how much a different atmosphere can change the way things feel to me. In “real life,” it feels entirely normal to thank someone for spanking me. I throw it out spontaneously in the middle of a scene sometimes when something hurts in a way that makes me particularly submissive. If I was prompted to thank someone at the end of the scene, I might feel slightly sheepish that I hadn’t remembered to do it on my own without reminding, the way that I feel when someone has to remind me to rinse my bowl before putting it in the sink. In this scene, it was horrible. It was enraging. It was tremendously humiliating. I refused. I would not. That’s a rotten, awful thing to ask of a person, and only a terrible man would demand such a thing, thought my in-character brain. Eventually, of course, I did, but it was bitter.
Then the scene was done, and I felt incredibly high. Filled with positive emotion and endorphins. Elevated by having gone to such a place in my brain. Having been co-topped meant that I had an excuse to force two people to hug me instead of one (although, really, with this group of people I didn’t need an excuse or force ^_^).
And then we were finished filming, and I felt sad again. My adventure was ending. It was almost over.
That night was melancholy to me, but very nice. We went out to dinner at a pub all together, and Zoe and I got excessively big ice creams, just like we had the first night, when Paul had picked me up and taken us up to Derbyshire. We all bantered back and forth, told stories and laughed as we relaxed from the day’s work. Eventually, it was time for everyone else to go home except for Paul and I, who were spending the night at Dodgy Dave’s place, as I’d be going to the airport early in the morning. At some point, I had started to get sick. I thought perhaps I was allergic to something in the air, although I later discovered that I was actually just getting a cold. Anyway, I sneezed and my nose ran basically the rest of the night, which made me feel kind of silly and awkward. Despite this, that evening stands out in my mind as one of the sweeter ones ever. Paul looked after me in a way that was firm but extremely affectionate, and I melted into that feeling. We went up to bed fairly early, as I had to get up in the morning and that’s not something that’s ever easy for me, and then he sat on the bed, put me over his lap and spanked me lovingly for a terrifically long time. I imagined that the entire world was that moment, so that I wouldn’t worry about it being over, and melted into some quiet space in my mind where I was delicate and vulnerable but very well protected. This was, of course, interrupted by my constant sneezing, but that really didn’t bother me much. This was good.
When the spanking was over, my bottom was buzzing with heat, but the rest of me felt entirely relaxed.
“How do you feel?” he asked me.
“Vulnerable. Safe. Happy.” I answered, my voice difficult to find and control.
“Good,” he said. “Do you want to know how I feel?” I nodded. “Wonderful,” he said.
After that, I snuggled up against him and tried to fall asleep. It almost pleased me that I kept sniffling and keeping myself up, because I liked being awake in that moment, floating in some relaxed, half awake snuggle state. Eventually, though, I slept.
In the morning, Paul took me to the airport, where I we ate breakfast together before I had to get on my plane and leave. Somehow, I managed not to cry until I was in flight, where I snuck into the bathroom to do it. It was okay, though. I knew I’d be back. ♥
On a regular basis, I look at what search terms get me the most traffic. I’m not obsessed with search engine optimization or anything, but I do like to know what people are looking for when they come here. From time to time, though, I sort through the less popular search terms. I’ll go through the whole list! Some of them are laughably weird. Others are more of what I’d expect. There are quite a few people that reach my blog by typing a question into a search engine. This is a practice that makes me think of my friend and former blogger Sophie, who first discovered the internet spanking world by typing “How do I get a spanking” into a search engine.
I’ve decided that I’m going to go through and directly answer the questions that were posed to me indirectly through the form of my search terms. Sounds like fun to me. 🙂
Q: How do I care for a spanked bottom?
A: I recommend referring to this post for detailed information on the subject. In the immediate short term, I recommend ice, lotion and, if available, gentle butt massage. 🙂
Q: Are spankings really enjoyable?
A: My immediate answer to this would be “fuck yes!” because to me, there’s no question. There are a lot of intricacies to this, though. For example, disciplinary spankings are by no means enjoyable, even though they are important to me and an extremely effective tool in the process of my amelioration and growth. Other spankings are only enjoyable because of the feeling of submission which they conjure up in my heart and the satisfaction of knowing that it pleased my partner to spank me in such a manner. At the end of the day, though, being spanked by someone who loves me makes me feel loved, no matter the situation or atmosphere. There are always going to be spankings that are less enjoyable: the awkward ones when getting to know a play partner, the guy at a party whose style just doesn’t click with you at all, the Top you don’t really know who accidentally crosses some kind of line, et cetera. So, I can’t say that ALL spankings are enjoyable, but as a general rule, yes, spankings are awesome.
THAT SAID, I am speaking from the viewpoint of a true, hardwired spanko. I sometimes try to imagine what it would be like for someone who is not one such to experience a spanking. I would imagine that for someone with other interests in bottoming in the kink community, it could be anything from a nice change of pace to slightly humiliating to downright strange. Those who aren’t already interested in having painful things done to them would probably be extremely shaken. I can’t begin to fathom what it would be like for a vanilla person to experience the kinds of spankings that I do. I’ve talked to a number of Tops who really fetishize the idea of spanking a vanilla girl, but it just seems really, really awful to me (unless, of course, you only gave her a very symbolic spanking).
To finalize my excessively long answer to this, spankings are almost always enjoyable in some form, if you’re a spanko or a kinkster interested in spanking. Whew!
Q: Black nylon cane. Good?
A: I have a black nylon cane. It was a gift to me from SF. It’s one of the harshest implements I own, and it’s pretty scary. Malignus is impressive skilled at caning and he uses it well, but because it’s a very dynamic implement and has enormous flexibility, it’s very difficult to manage. If you’re a Top who is good with canes and looking for something whippy, flexible and capable of delivering a world of hurt, then yes, it’s good. If you’re a bottom, no, it’s not, unless you’re really looking to be sorry, want to be pushed to submit or are a crazy masochist.
Q: Capsaicin cream before or after spanking?
A: As a general rule, when capsaicin has been applied to me, it’s been after a spanking. I have had it applied and then been given additional swats to the area (this was on my inner thigh) and said additional swats felt horrible and made me roll around all over the floor. I suppose it could be used before, in order to make the entire spanking feel like that. Be careful to avoid getting it in eyes, nose et cetera, and not to get it on broken skin. Multiple reports suggest that this is actual torture.
Or, you know, you could be a nice person and not use it all unless you have arthritis and need to warm your joints. That’d be cool, too.
Q: Describe a spanking with an ebony hairbrush.
A: Heather W, in one of our first conversations, described it like this: “…then he spanked me with an ebony hairbrush, which, in case you weren’t aware, is no different than a ROCK.” The material which is closest in effect to an ebony hairbrush, in my opinion, is a small, thick lexan paddle. Ebony is just different than other wood, in a “oh holy mother of god, this hurts!” kind of way. It’s heavy, and hairbrushes have a small spanking surface, so they provide very concentrated pain. They’re also usually a pretty comfortable shape for the spanker to hold, so they can get a good grip and really get you with it. While I really hate being spanked with my ebony hairbrush, it’s something that I do appreciate, because it’s highly effective. It’s a formidable implement. That’s the best phrasing I have for it.
Q: Did God make the butt for spanking?
A: No. In my opinion, God didn’t make the butt for anything, because I entirely reject the belief in deities and in creationism. However, the evolutionary purpose of the human buttocks is not related to spanking, either. Rounded butts on female humans evolved for the purposes of showing off estrogen levels and healthy amounts of fat stores, and to emphasize the size and shape of pelvis and highlight the child-bearing capacity there of. Aside from protecting the tailbone, a fleshy butt seems to have no evolutionary purpose besides to look hot. The cultural evolution of the concept of spanking (both consensual and otherwise) is something that fascinates me, and which I’d like to learn more about in the future, especially as it links to the confusing nature of how, exactly, spankos came to exist.
Q: Do girls like to be spanked in tight jeans?
A: As a general rule, I wouldn’t even say “girls like to be spanked” at all, as I described in an earlier question. I’d personally rather be spanked on my bare bottom than on jeans, because of the increased vulnerability and the fact that this feels warmer and closer to the “ideal spanking” which is imprinted somewhere in my mind as a comfort zone. I do appreciate the protection that jeans can give me, and the nifty fact that when Malignus hits me really hard with a cane over my jeans, it leaves cane stripes on the denim!
|Note, I have a crazy wedgie here because my ass was swollen from getting spanked all weekend long and didn’t fit properly in my jeans at the moment this was taken.|
Q: Does it make a spanked bottom feel better to rub it?
A: It won’t cure it, but rubs definitely feel nice on a spanked bottom. The appropriate amount of firmness depends on just how sore the bottom is, but I’ve never been spanked in such a way that at least light rubbing wasn’t soothing.
Q: How do you heal a bruise caused by spanking your wife?
A: Arnica is supposed to reduce bruising, but I don’t use it. I’ve never seen much of a difference whether I used it or not, and it often just dries my skin out. I find that the immediate application of ice followed by massaging and sometimes gentle hand-spanking is the best way to prevent and then get rid of bruising.
Q: Help me become a spanking model?
A: Email me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you want more information about this!
Q: How are cane-iac products labeled when shipping?
A: They arrive in a long, cardboard package with no spanking related words anywhere on the package. I can’t remember the name on the return address, but it’s just a kind of unusual sounding name.
Q: How old were you when you got your first spanking from your boyfriend?
A: I, personally, didn’t get a spanking from a boyfriend until I was 24 and Malignus became my boyfriend. I got spanked for the first time when I was 18, but I always had different Tops than boyfriends until Malignus. 🙂
Q: How do I hire a spanking model?
A: This is another more complex and business related question which I will answer if you email me. 🙂
Q: Is capzacin ok to use on a bruise butt for spankings? [sic]A: It is safe to apply capsaicin cream to a butt after a spanking whether or not bruising is present. It won’t decrease bruising, and anyone who is telling you so is just lying to you to try and trick you into accepting the cream. Capsaicin hurts a lot. Some people enjoy this kind of hurting, while others stand in front of a fan for hours while crying. I lean more to the side of “standing in front of a fan crying” but it’s different for everyone. 😀
Q: Should a punishment spanking cause crying and tears?
A: There really isn’t any “should” to spankings in my opinion, aside from the fact that I very firmly believe that only consenting adults should be spanked. In my case, disciplinary spankings pretty much always cause me to cry, and I wouldn’t feel properly chastised if it ended before the point of tears for some reason, and I’d probably ask to be spanked more and harder. It really depends on the person, though. Some people just can’t cry from a spanking.
Q: Should a spanking leave a woman’s bottom bruised?
A: Again, there’s no “should” here. It’s hard to bruise my bottom at this point, although Malignus did succeed at that this weekend. I used to bruise at basically a touch, so it was impossible for me not to be bruised after a spanking. Those physiological differences have to be accounted for, as do social reasons such as people who might see bruises or welts and not accept them and, of course, the preferences of both partners.
Q: What is a spanko?
A: A spanko is a person who fetishizes spanking, or a person involved in BDSM who has a strong preference for spanking related activities. A “hardwired spanko” is a person who has had an interest in or obsession with spanking since their early life and a “spanko purist” is someone who only fetishizes spanking and not other BDSM activities.
Q: Will my first spanking make me cry?
A: This really depends on you. Mine did, although not immediately. About half way into it, I started to cry, and I ended up really sobbing and bawling. This was mostly because it felt so goddamn good to be finally getting a spanking, and I was able to finally let go of all the anxiety that I’d built up around it from the time that I was a child. Some people do not cry the first time they are spanked, but later become comfortable enough with spanking, their Top, themselves et cetera to be able to cry. Some people never cry from a spanking. This is a frustration to some, but others don’t really have any interest in it. It depends on you. 🙂
For whatever reason, I had a lot of fun doing this. Hooray!