I bet you’re pretty surprised to see me updating my blog, aren’t you? It’s been…well, over a year. Something like 18 months, I guess. Blogging is something that I’ve had an increasing amount of difficulty finding time to do, but I miss it, and I’d like to start putting in the effort to make it happen again. It’s a bit odd, though. Since I stopped blogging very often several years ago, I kind of feel like you guys don’t know me that well anymore. Hopefully, you’re still following me on Twitter and Tumblr, although Tumblr has become kind of a lost cause these days, and maybe you follow me on Instagram when my account isn’t being deleted. But I’d like to catch up with you all here, in this space that belongs entirely to me.
To start things off, I went through and updated all my pages. There’s a new travel schedule, new answers and some new questions in the FAQ, new credits on my Resume/links list, and some updated information about booking a session with me. Please don’t think that just because sometimes life gets out of control with regards to my ability to blog that I’m not available for sessions, custom videos, or shoots anymore: I am still accepting new people to play with and love working on new artistic projects!
I obviously can’t tell you every single thing that happened in the past 18 months, but I’m just going to give you some bullet points.
– Working on Northern Spanking has become a huge part of my life. I love that site so much, and I’m passionately dedicated to making the best possible spanking content, as well as being the kind of producer that I would ideally want to work with as a model. I do not like to brag, but I’m very proud of the work that we’ve done, and I think that it’s only getting better. Here are a few favorite scenes I’ve worked on recently:
– In fact, at the end of last year, we launched a completely redesigned version of the website, which is much more technologically advanced as well as more visually pleasing than the old site. You can save favorites, search tags, stream video in addition to downloading it, create a queue, see your recently watched films…and do all of it from mobile, as well. Let me tell you, being able to use my own website from my phone has greatly improved the quality of my life. Anyway, if you’ve never joined the site before, you probably should give it a try, because I love it and I think it’s amazing.
– Also last year, we launched a new brand: Spanked and Diapered. I don’t know if I’ve ever really blogged about my exploration of ABDL, but it began when I first got to know Adriana. It’s something that had always been a low-key interest of mine. I can remember early “startles” the same way that I can about spanking, but the interest was more of a curiosity and not a pressing need the way that my spanking obsession was. So, it went on the backburner, because my spanking interest was very powerful and it took up all my fantasy time.
When Adriana and I first started playing together and she helped me to explore that interest, it immediately worked for me. I don’t identify as an ABDL. I’m very careful about this, because I know that there’s a huge difference between someone who likes spanking but can get by fine without it and a dyed-in-the-wool spanko, and I’ve been known to be a little bit touchy about the language there. So, it’s important for me to be respectful. That said, a lot of ABDLs love to include spanking in their play, the same way that I love to include ageplay, babyspace, regression, and of course, diapers in some of mine.
Anyway, we decided to create a site dedicated to this intersection of my fetish and my kink. Last year, we launched a Clips Store featuring a bunch of my favorite models doing some very hot stuff. Now, we’re working on getting a membership site up and running, which I’ll be telling you all about very soon. It’s so exciting to me. This is the first time that I’ve seen something go from an idea to an actual, full-fledged website, and it’s delightful.
– My cat, Gizmo, who I often called “the baby monster” on this site back when I gave my cats scene names as if that was ever going to matter, passed away just over a year ago. I’m honestly still incredibly sad. He was an old man, and even older for his breed, but he had spent so much of my life by my side and he was one of the sweetest animals that I ever knew. I honestly think I’ll be sad about it forever.
After he passed away, my other cat, Senor (“the punk”) got very depressed and anxious. He’s like me– prone to a lot of big emotions. Everyone recommended that we get another cat, and it seemed like it would be easier to introduce him to a kitten, so my new little boy, FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper the Cat (aka Cooper most of the time) came into our lives. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of us getting Coop.
Honestly, it took Senor a long time to warm up to him. Cooper has A LOT of energy, and it seemed like the day that we got the kitten was the day that Senor decided that he was a senior cat! But now, I can safely say that they love each other. They spend a lot of time play wrestling, but also will sleep next to each other and lick each other’s fur. Heckin’ cute.
– I did A LOT of traveling. Honestly, the main reason I never blogged is because I was basically never home, and I was often keeping myself so busy that I was going to bed as soon as I got to my hotel/airbnb/whatever. I’m trying to do a little bit less of that this year, but then I look at my travel schedule and I see that that’s probably unlikely. I do, however, hope to manage it a little bit better.
-Throughout the course of my blogging, I’ve referred back to several different health problems that were constantly popping up throughout my life. If I remember right, I’ve generally been pretty vague about them, but I have severe allergies, migraines, sinus and respiratory problems, some skin problems, digestive issues…and a few other things. Last year, I got diagnosed with a condition called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It turns out that all the various problems that I’ve been trying to treat separately all had one root cause. I’m taking medications and supplements, and I’m eating a kind of odd seeming restricted diet (for example, I can never eat chocolate again) but I’m doing much better. My energy levels are better, and as a general rule, the amount of days where I don’t feel well has gotten much lower.
I say “as a general rule” because I was sick for approximately all of the winter in one way or another. Extremes in temperature make my condition flare, and I was on the east coast when it was freezing and snowing in November and had a ton of symptoms that just wouldn’t quit. I was doing better for a couple of weeks and then I got sick right before Christmas…and I just stayed sick. I had a cold that began bronchitis that became a sinus infection, and that flared up the respiratory side of my MCAS…
Anyway, I’m finally feeling better now. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my new treatment plan isn’t a cure: I still have issues sometimes. But as a general rule, the number of days per year where I feel well has only been going up, and I’d say that most of the time, I feel great. I’m much much much better than I was. Plus, I’ve been losing a lot of weight since I got healthier, which has been a great bonus.
– My Top space has continued to develop. Over the past couple of years, my interest in Topping has gone from just being an interest into a full-fledged core part of my kink play. Sometimes, I’ll go to events and only end up playing as a Top and I’ll leave feeling happy and content. My needs as a bottom as still extremely core to me, of course, but so many of my fantasies these days are about things like being a teacher or professor and spanking naughty students, for example.
– In less uplifting news, my (real, biological) mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago and has been inpatient in the hospital since early December. I got to visit her twice so far– difficult because she’s in New York and I’m in California, and she seems to be doing pretty well, but it’s just been a stressful time. Add on top of that the fact that a very important person to me here in LA who is only 25 also got a cancer diagnosis in May and is still undergoing treatment now…and it’s been a tough year. It gets very heavy to deal with sometimes, knowing that two people that I love are on opposite sides of the country and dealing with different forms of the same terrible illness. I do my best to be supportive of both of them while also taking care of myself.
Gifts of Airline and Hotel gift cards REALLY help me right now, by the way. They allow me to be able to travel and see my mom while she’s recovering!
-At the end of the day, I’m still just a naughty girl who loves spanking and enjoys participating in it whenever possible! The last year had challenges, for sure, but it also had great times: Paul and I took a long road trip to the PNW with just the two of us and had a wonderful time together, and I got a lot of chances to visit my favorite friends. There are many of those coming up soon, too. I’m heading to Denver soon, to shoot for Real Spankings and visit friends, and at the end of next month I’ll be headed to Vegas to meet up with a ton of my favorite humans.
– I have two new ways that you can get naughty business from me: I have an Only Fans now, which I update every single day with exclusive selfies, photosets, and video. It’s got a lot of my most intimate content on it. I also now have a Many Vids store where you can see me exploring various different fetishes! So far, that store has less emphasis on spanking, but it’s got a lot of sexy stuff.
Ok, friends. This post has been kind of a weird mix of exciting stuff, work stuff, very personal stuff, and sad things. But I’m glad to be back here, and I will do my very best to post again soon.
I met Mila Kohl last year at TASSP. TASSP just ended. This means that I’ve only known Mila for one year. It feels like I’ve known her forever. Mila is one of my best friends, and she’s my scene sister. Our sisterly relationship takes several different forms. I sometimes worry about her and dote on her (insisting that she triple check things, buying her stuff that I perceive as really important like school uniforms et cetera) and sometimes, I break down around her and she helps to put me back together. She’s one of the people with whom I’ve had the most fun ever, and we can make something really not exciting like driving around in Dallas into the silliest, most enjoyable time ever. We also interact in a way that’s fairly new to me, too. We bicker.
Mila and I can spend an infinite amount of time going back and forth with virtual biting, hair pulling, whining, teasing and, most importantly, tattling. There was a time when my attitude was: “Virtual bratting? That’s lame.” With Mila, I’ve embraced a love for these antics when they don’t annoy the other people involved in them. I realize that this is about 45% of my twitter feed ever since I convinced Mila to get twitter (@MilaKohl, if you aren’t already following her), so I can’t really say for sure that I’m not bothering anyone, but eh, it’s my part of the internet. I can do what I want there. As always, the introduction of this doesn’t mean that it’s going to permeate the rest of my relationships and dynamics. It’s just another option.
As Paul and I started developing our relationship following my visit to England, Mila discovered that she could actually tattle on me to someone, which took things to a whole new level of ridiculousness. I will totally an unabashedly admit that this is awesome.
Shortly after BBW, I went to Texas to visit WearYouOut and LilLawBrat, and to have adventures with Mila. On the day that I showed up to Mila’s place, we were both in really high spirits. I was excited to be on an adventure, and I had broken out of some gloom that I’d let fall on myself before that. Mila was excited to have the company, and she was getting ready for her trip to the UK. The first hour that I was at her house was one of the most ridiculous ones in my life, in an amazing way. She showed me her mass amount of kittens:
|There are like, five there, all staggered. It’s not easy to hold five wiggly kittens.|
There was much embracing. Possibly too much, if there’s such a thing:
Then we went and jumped on her trampoline, during which time I told her quite over-excitedly that Paul and I had started being in a relationship and doing D/s officially, although we didn’t put this on the internet for a few more days. I think everyone should try this at least once in their lives: tell your best friend really exciting news while jumping on a trampoline. Maybe that’s not as fun if you don’t a best friend as awesome as Mila. I don’t know. Eventually, jumping on a trampoline got tiring and we kind of collapsed happily.
It was then determined that we needed to go to the thrift store to try to find Mila a school uniform, because she didn’t have one of her own and that hurt my heart. I don’t think it mattered all that much to her, but I really wanted her to have one because it mattered to me. While we drove there, we listened to music loudly in the car, singing along at the top of our lungs. I love driving around in Texas when I’m not in Dallas because I think that it’s beautiful: lots of sky, green everything, beautiful wild flowers. The landscape just felt joyful. I took my joy out on Mila, shoving her and teasing her (but joyfully, of course!) until we made up and I gave her in-car cuddles.
|Best spelling and grammar on a sign ever. Thanks, Texas!|
Following our shopping adventure, Mila and I decided that we were hungry so we headed to a Hibachi restaurant. While there, we sat at a table with other people so we *tried* to talk about things quietly, except both of us were incredibly excited about what we were saying. At one point, I dipped my hair in soysauce without knowing it, then tossed my head back and… failed. Mila is never letting that story go, ever, so I’m just going to be open about it.
That night, Mila and I recorded the most epic, 20+ minute video blog of all time. It was amazing, and incredibly incriminating because it has me shoving her right on camera. It also included Mila balancing one of her cats on her head without injury. It was cute and funny and full of win… but we didn’t record any sound by accident. If I ever figure out how, I might make some GIFS of some of the more adorable parts. For now, it’s our lost masterpiece. I had a crazy tantrum when I discovered the lack of sound. Not even funny. Tragic and awful. That night, we tried to go to sleep but couldn’t stop talking. It just kept going. Something funny would pop into one of our minds and we’d break into giggle fits again. The ridiculosity continued even after I fell asleep: I apparently turned to Mila and said, in my sleep “Mila, we need this ice cream! It’s made by bees!”
Either the next day or the day after that, I P.A.ed while Mila filmed for Firm Discipline. I’m not linking to a site because the site is currently not active. It’s down pending changes, but they’re still shooting and making awesome stuff, and it will be back before too long. The film that Mila did was pretty adorable. Mila was in trouble for supposedly committing breaking and entering. The situation was kind of silly, though, and *I* don’t think it was a fair accusation, but no one asks me these things. (Let’s take a moment to notice that I’m sticking up for Mila. Ok, back to regular stuff now.) The spanking was entirely done by hand, but it was really, really hard, and Mila cried beautifully. Poor Mila crying. It shatters the heart. She’s so sweet and vulnerable, and her eyes are so pretty when she cries. For someone who spends probably a quarter of her time trying to get Mila in trouble, it was actually tough to watch her getting spanked, even though it was for a video. I just wanted to… stop what I was doing and run and hug her. Because of the love.
|I also did the photography for this set. I’m not a pro, but I think I did okay. Mila’s butt looks amazing, of course.|
Once filming was over, I had to cuddle Mila obsessively. Her face just gets so damn sad.
|She just needs cuddling! And then more cuddling!|
We spent a little bit more time together after that, but soon she had to take off for England. While she was there she had a whole boat load of adventures. I spent another few days hanging out in Texas and geting my sunbathing on:
|Fuck you guys and your stupid cakes. >_<|
After the adventures involved in my last post, Pandora Blake, Thomas Cameron, Nimue Allen and I prepared for a day of shooting for Dreams of Spanking. Dreams of Spanking is one of my favorite spanking sites. This was my second shoot for it, and my first “full” one. We’d only done a couple of scenes in the past, during the Texas All State Spanking Party last year. I was excited to get to do some more involved scenes, including some with interesting costumes and sets. Nimue wasn’t in any of the scenes: she was doing the camera work and other production elements, and we were filming for her site, Nimue’s World, the next day.
The first film that we shot was loosely based on our real life behavior the first night I arrived at Pandora’s house: we were meant to go to sleep, but instead we kept staying up and talking and giggling loudly. This scene also prominently featured our stuffed animals, who were the ones keeping us up and making all the noise in the first place (or so we insisted). Tom played a kind enough but stern guardian figure who was pretty annoyed by our insistance on being noisy, and spanked and strapped both of us in the morning. We tried to get our punishment lessened by wearing adorable, matching cat underwear, but as is usually the case with these things, this was entirely unsuccessful. I really like the stills I’ve seen from this set (all previews, since it is as of yet not released) because of how aesthetically pleasing I find Pandora and I when we’re naked together. We have very similar shapes, and I think that looks great.
|There’s a lot of matching in this photo|
The second film that we did was interesting because it used creative camera work and had a unique point of concept. This video is currently available on Dreams, and’s called “Alex’s POV.” It features a lot of shots which show what I can see during the spanking: shots taken as I turn over my shoulder and my own view of my bottom in a mirror propped up near us. This scene was great to film, because our characters were very nearly ourselves, and that’s always a relaxed environment for me. I also like it because it’s fairly physically intense while still being entirely done with Tom’s hand: hard hand spanking is always a winning combination in my book. Furthermore, there was something sweet about the scenario: in some ways, it was similar to the spanking that Pandora had given me in my real life the night before: in the film, Tom suggests that a spanking would make me feel better about my less than ideal behavior while I was overseas. He’s not meant to be my Dominant, just an affectionate friend who is stepping up and filling that role while no one else was around to. It was lovely to be able to watch the spanking in the mirror: that made it much more intense for me. You can read Pandora’s writing about this film here.
Watching this movie after the fact, I was pretty pleased with the way that this captured the actual experience of the spanking. It was the video that I’ve watched myself in which was closest to my actual memory of the event. It also had a very intimate feeling surrounding it.
The next thing that we shot was a photoset to celebrate the Pagan holiday Beltane, or the rites of spring. This involved Pandora dressing me in a beautiful period costume and the use of lots of props, including real mead in the horn. I got to wear flowers in my hair and I loved my outfit, so it very much appealed to the “dressing up to make a fantasy real” side of things. The unfortunate part of this, though, was that it was March in England, which isn’t a time when the weather is nice. It was grey and rainy out, and being outdoors with my shoes off and my skirt lifted wasn’t exactly warm. In case I haven’t complained about this enough on my blog, I don’t enjoy being cold, or undressed in the cold, or getting hit with things in the cold. Still, I liked the idea enough that I soldiered on with it (no one forced me to go out and do it: I just got thru it by complaining a lot because I did actually want to). These pictures came out beautifully, and I love looking at them. These are my two favorites.
I think that whole set is just beautiful, and I was excited to do my first historical shoot.
I then had to get warm, because I was quite chilled, so we came inside and I put a bunch of fluffy things on above my costume:
|Oh hey, I’m never ridiculous! Ha.|
The next set that we filmed is, as of yet, unreleased, but it was really hot. I mentioned to Pandora during the creative process that I was getting really into doing dark, awful and non-consensual scenes. This is something I’ll talk about more later, as it’s been part of the shift that’s happened in terms of me accepting what a huge variety of things I like in the scene. Pandora and I then started scheming up a darker scene, and the one we came up with involved me as a journalist about to blow the whistle on some unethical behavior being tormented by two quite villainous corporate figures: Tom and Pandora. I liked the awfulness of the film. It was just hot. I got to genuinely crying pretty quickly, especially when they co-topped me.
|Here’s a photo of me having been spanked, in heels, stockings and a “suspender belt”. You’re welcome.|
The next scene was one of the most hilarious ones to film in my personal history as a spanking model. The plot was simple and based on Pandora’s real life: I played a character based on Pandora who is keeping a cat in her apartment against the terms of her lease. The landlady comes by to check up, and I hurriedly rush the cat into the bathroom and shut the door. Unfortunately, I leave a toy mouse under the pillow (and Fatface has shed everywhere) and the clever landlady (played by Pandora) figures out my scheme and responds with a spanking. This ended up being so funny because I actually had to cart Pandora’s cat (aka the love of my life) around for the video. I have trouble sometimes because many of the photographers that I’ve worked with in the past have directed me to look directly into the camera instead of looking past it, or making eye-contact with someone else in the frame, et cetera. Most spanking producers don’t want this: they want things to look more natural. I’ve tried to train myself to look in the places that look the best on film, but I often still forget. “Don’t look into the camera, Alex!” Pandora reminded me as we were shooting the stills for this set.
|Fatface gives 0 fucks about your directions.|
I laughed so goddamn hard at the way that cat stared down the camera. I still LOL when I see this picture months later. It’s just way too funny. The first time we saw this, Pandora, Nimue and I laughed until tears were literally rolling down our faces. Here’s another angle:
|Fuck you, guys.|
The actual spanking was a bit neat, since we used one of my personal implements. This was the first time I’ve ever done this on film, and in this case, it was the wooden spoon called “Warren” which is part of the “Trinity of Terror” (or, the three worst things I get hit with on a regular basis). There was something personal and kind of exciting about this.
|Pandora is so freaking hot.|
We wrapped up the day’s filming with another one of the best things I’ve ever been involved in, in and out of a spanking video: #sofafort. We built the best softafort ever made in Pandora’s living room. The shape of her couch made it much easier than it could have been, since it’s a sectional. We covered it with blankets and propped the middle up with a broom. It looked incredibly fucking awesome.
We then filmed an adorable ageplay video inside and around it, where Pandora and I are dressed in cute pajamas (I’m in my bunny romper and she’s in my bunny pajamas, because we needed a lot of pink bunny stuff and therefore looked to my wardrobe :D). We actually filmed INSIDE the sofa fort, including Pandora spanking me as sort of play acting, and then Tom coming in and finding that we’ve built a fort instead of tidying up for company and discipling us while bent over the fort with a pair of pretty hard hairbrush spankings. It stung like a son of a bitch, and I kicked and wailed in a pretty pathetic manner. We were then told that we had to dismantle the fort and get ready for company. Sad. Day.
After we finished filming Tom had to go, but Nimue was spending the night so we left the fort up for a while and hung out inside, talking and snacking on chips and hummus. Then we had some cider and filmed our video blog. It was an awesome day. 😀
It’s time to continue with the narrative of my life, even though I’m still writing about stuff which happened in March and it’s May now. I’m not going to lie: for various reasons, April was a kind of intense month for me and I didn’t dedicate the amount of time and energy to the blog that I like to (and is expected of me!) so I am really going to make an effort to get caught up on things. Some of these posts won’t be as detailed as they could have been if I’d been able to write about them right away, but I don’t at all regret the way I’ve chosen to spend my time. I hope the stories are still enjoyable to you guys, despite the time-lag.
I wrote in an earlier post about how the start of my trip to England was very stressful. One of the things which had caused me a lot of concern was the fact that since due to horrible personal circumstances, I wasn’t able to spend any of my time with Serious_Face, which had originally been a large part of my plan. Because of this, I ended up leaving my shoot in Derbyshire to go back to Paul Kennedy’s house for a couple of days before I went to visit my very dear friend, Pandora Blake.
The time that I spent at Paul’s house was really lovely. It was the first time I was in someone’s home since I’d left Rafa’s apartment in LA several weeks ago, and that was refreshing, and our time was unscheduled and very relaxed. More importantly, during the previous two days, I had discovered that I liked Paul an awful lot, and that we were very much on the same page about a lot of things. The more we discussed what aspects of this-thing-we-do were appealing and important to us, the more I noted that these things were very much in line. We spent quite a bit of time snuggling, we enjoyed a lot of sweet, rather affectionate play together and he generally looked after me. I’m often very resistant to being looked after: I firmly believe that I’m an adult and that I can and should look after myself. Letting someone else, especially someone who I had only recently gotten to know, care for me felt very vulnerable in a way that was very gratifying and, somewhat surprisingly to me, very submissive feeling. I still felt fairly shy and reserved, but the time we spent was filled with positive feelings. Safety and warmth and happiness.
At one point, we went to a cafe where we had to wait a very long time to get brunch because they accidentally gave our food to someone else(I didn’t care in the slightest. I just liked sitting there and talking to him). You know how when you go out to eat sometimes they give you a number for your table, so that the person who brings your food out knows where to put it? This cafe did that in a way that made me giggle rather considerably:
Things like that, in a public setting, are enjoyably uncomfortable to me. I could hardly look at it straight on, yet I was infinitely pleased by it.
After that meal, there was cake. I know that you don’t come to my blog to hear about delicious things that I ate, but screw you guys, this cake is worth talking about (Cakeboy will probably not judge me for this section, right?) . It was a glorious cake, full of cream and strawberries. I’m salivating just thinking about how damn good that cake was. Actually, I’m kind of making myself mad, because now I want to eat it again and I can’t. 🙁 It was one of the best things I’ve ever eaten. I’m not making that up. I like that cake.
|I want this cake to be on a rainbow and in my mouth.|
After those very pleasant and reenergizing couple of days, Paul took me up to London to stay at Pandora’s. There was much rejoicing when we saw each other. It had been almost a year since we first met, and that was the only time we’d ever been together face-to-face. Pandora is someone that I got very close to over the internet. Besides the fact that we have a ton of fun being ridiculous together (as the stories that follow will show), I really enjoy being with her because we’re able to have a certain kind of academic discourse without me feeling like I’m being a pretentious bastard. Upon me entering her home, however, we did not engage in discourse. Instead, we jumped up and down a lot and hugged vigorously. It was during this that I discovered that Pandora has a cat named Fatface. “I forgot to mention the cat,” Pandora said, “but based on what I know of you, you aren’t going to mind, right?”
Remember a minute ago when I was obsessed with that cake? That cake means nothing to me next to my feelings towards Fatface. Love at first site. Fatface is a big, beautiful cat. She’s fluffy and mostly white, and most of the time, she gives zero fucks about what those weird humans are doing around her. The characteristics that make me like her more than the average cat (which I already like a lot) are as follows:
|WTF, Alex. I came here to hear about spanking and all you want to talk about are cats and cake.|
Eventually, Paul had to leave to go home, which made me a bit sad and would have made me a lot sadder if I wasn’t so excited to be seeing Pandora, and if I wasn’t going to see him again later in the month. I was going to come back down to his place for further shooting in the second half of my visit.
Pandora and I spent a lot of time catching up, and then we went to the grocery store to get food supplies for my visit. She recently started doing free-running (a fact which I find kind of really sexy) and had hurt her ankle doing it just before I arrived, so she was kind of hobbling around and we decided that walking a long distance wasn’t wise and took the bus. At the store, I was introduced to a lot of foods that I wasn’t familiar with, including cider in flavors like strawberry lime (which is pink!) and chocolate oranges. Pandora and I also discovered that we had very similar taste in food, which made things much easier. Being adventurous, we decided to get a dragon fruit, which I’d never had before, and some strange squash or gourd type vegetable that was advertised as being good for curry and sort of looked like a cross between a cucumber and an alligator. We had high hopes for these foods. The dragon fruit turned out to be a bit different than other fruit in that it isn’t really all that juicy, nor is the flavor particularly strong, but it was very good.
|Pandora and the dragon fruit.|
The vegetable in question, however, turned out to be some sort of horrible monster vegetable that shouldn’t be eaten under any circumstance. It was bitter and awful, and it TASTED like an alligator’s skin looks. I think we nearly cried when we ate it, and we had to pick every bit of it out of our stir fry in order to make the rest of the vegetables edible. Sad. Day.
That was an aside, because I was talking about food. After we had finished at the store, we had a few drinks and then went to bed, but we didn’t go to sleep. We stayed up for half the night talking about all sorts of things. We discovered that we had many things in common, including strange, highly personal things that we don’t often talk about. It was a great bonding experience. We also were kind of ridiculous with our combined collection of stuffed animals. This night ended up being the inspiration for one of the scenes that we filmed together later in the week.
The next day, Pandora took me to some charity shops in her area, as I was lacking some of the items that I wanted to have with me due to traveling snafus. I didn’t end up getting too many things that were practical, but I did get a blouse with cats on it, a pair of white (I mean bone) shoes and a pair of purple suede heels. Charity shops are different than thrift stores run by charities in the US, like Goodwill and Salvation Army, and poppin’ tags is a different activity in England than it is here. The stores they have are far smaller, and the selection of items is different. In America, you can find anything at the thrift store, ranging from really trashy, old crap to high class stuff with the tags still on it. In England, everything has kind of already been preselected for quality, which is slightly sad to me, since I thrive on weird, awkward, ironic or geeky things that a lot of people wouldn’t consider “quality.” I still loved the shopping experience and was pleased with my purchases. I also realized that I had an ace in my hand for hipster oneupmanship now: when someone asks me where I got these things, I can say “Oh, I got it at the thrift store… IN ENGLAND.” Ha. No copying me now, bitches!
That evening, Pandora and I somehow ended up in a competition to see who could finish posting to their blog first, which aided me quite a bit in actually getting this stuff done. Pandora, however, finished her post just slightly before I did. “I beat you to posting!” she said, “Now, I’m going to beat you in real life!”
The setting of additional rules to a competition after it’s already been completed like that is tremendously unfair. When I have a certain kind of energy with someone, though, I find unfairness delightful, sort of like the way that YS consistently lies to me about how many strokes he’s going to give me and that somehow ends up with me being happy.
Pandora offered me a warmup, which I gladly accepted, and then put me over her lap and spanked me with her hand. It had been a long time since I was spanked by Pandora, and I was glad it was happening again. I don’t feel entirely submissive towards her, so to speak, but I do feel passive towards her in play, and I enjoy her receiving her Toppiness, and I was very comfortable with her occupying Boss-space for the moment (more information on WTF “bossing” actually means to me coming in a later post). It felt sort of invigorating and exciting to be getting spanked by her. Once I was thoroughly warm, she directed me up onto her sofa for a whacking with a fairly big, leather paddle. I cuddled up to her stuffed dog, Fred, who is known as “Drop Dog” due to his ability to drop onto your head. “Comfort her well, Drop Dog!” Pandora instructed, “she’s going to need it!” (I liked that quite a bit, too). She gave me a spanking that was neither severe nor serious, but still hurt enough, and put me in a giggly, happy, nicely spanked mood. (You can read Pandora’s side of this story here.)
|Thanks, Pandora and Drop Dog!|
It turns out that Pandora and I ended up playing together off camera quite a bit, and this pleased me a great deal. Sometimes the space was lighthearted, and once it was mildly corrective: I smacked her with The Heavy Bear (from “The Bear Incident”), after she knew quite well that I was seriously forbidden from “assaulting” my friends, even (especially?) with bears. We were already in bed, but her response was very quick. She sat up and pushed me down and started to smack my bottom fairly thoroughly while I whimpered and apologized for my bear-violence. Then she got up from the bed, and I turned out of position. “Oh no, don’t go anywhere!” she warned. “You’re not done!” She retuned with a wooden hairbrush, which she gave me twenty whacks with before forgiving me for my little outburst and snuggling down for the night.
Side note: Hitting people with that bear falls into a certain category of bad behavior, along with picking on Mila Kohl: I know it’s bad, I get corrected for it all the time, but there’s just some insatiable desire in me that prevents me from ever being able to stop doing it. Both activities are just so satisfying. Mila is probably fortunate that she has never been in the same place as me when I had that bear, or else I might have clobbered her to death with it if the power of these two tempting misbehaviors combined. 0_0
Pandora and I also shared a more serious scene later on in the week, in which I was much more vulnerable than I had previously been in any of our kink interactions. I was worrying about something, like I am known to do, and I was feeling detached from my D/s dynamics back at home. I was generally a bit moody and out of sorts because of it, and felt a little less than secure. Company was arriving soon, and I wanted to be perky and cheerful for them, but it was kind of a struggle to get myself back where I belonged. I talked to Pandora a bit, and she asked me rather straightforwardly if I needed a spanking.
Yes. Yes, I did.
There’s something particularly comforting to me about that phrasing as a way to initiate a scene, especially if I’m having some sort of emotional situation. It’s largely about semantics. “Do you need a spanking, Alex?” makes me feel instantly taken care of. I think that the question format of this is particularly pleasing to me because it requires me to openly admit to what I need and desire in that situation, and doing that often clears my head and gives me focus (as well as being a lovely way to guide me onto the path of active submission). There’s also a feeling of some level of concern for me: there has never been a situation where someone that cared about me asked that and I felt that it wouldn’t have been perfectly acceptable for me to say “no” if that wasn’t actually what I wanted (although me not wanting to be spanked when offered is usually a sign that I’m either horrendously overtired, drunk or need to be taken to the hospital). The similar question: “Do you want a spanking?” does much less for me as a positive trigger because it feels very casual (“Hey, wanna get spanked? Cool.”) and because it just seems like a very obvious question. Am I awake/sober/healthy? Then probably, yes, I do. “Need” is a word that can be a bit loaded sometimes. There’s a large part of me that doesn’t want to admit to needing anything, but if someone else brings the word up first, it feels good to me, like it’s been made acceptable for me to have needs. I understand that this is a very complex breakdown of a simple sentence, but these sorts of things are interesting to me. I’m curious if any other bottom-types have similar thoughts on these sorts of phrases, too.
I was slightly reluctant to accept, simply because I didn’t want Pandora to feel like she had to look after me, and because my emotional state involved worrying about being a burden to people, but she reassured me and then took me over her lap while she was seated on the corner of the sofa (so it was more of an “in a chair OTK” than an “on the sofa OTK” in terms of positioning and I tried to relax myself. She spanked me with an atmosphere that felt corrective but not chastising. It was quite spot on for the headspace I needed: I didn’t feel like I was being treated as though I’d done something wrong, but I did feel disciplined, as in I felt like I was existing in the comfortable space of being given the necessary structure and care. It was one of the rare moments where I felt as if I could understand the difference between “discipline” and “punishment”, even if I never grabbed onto it enough to properly articulate it here. Physically, the spanking was appropriately thorough. Pandora used her hand throughout, but still produced some squeals and gasps. I didn’t feel a need to struggle, although it was firm and did hurt. I just felt a safe calmness, and the feeling of my internal centering being restored. When she finished, we hugged and I expressed my gratitude. It had been lovely and kind of her. 🙂
That night, I got spanked one more time, although not by Pandora. She did, however, totally set it up. The company that arrived that evening consisted of Nimue Allen and Thomas Cameron, coming to spend the night so we’d be able to get up early and start shooting the next day. I had made it obvious to Pandora that I was interested in potentially playing with Tom before we shot together (I like doing that, in general, if it’s possible, and I’d seen a lot of pictures of Tom that had sort of piqued my interest). She then suggested that I might need to be spanked again later in the night when my comments got slightly inappropriate later in the evening. This was largely just used as an initiating device: the spanking that I got didn’t really feel disciplinary. It did feel quite good, though, in a painful sort of way. I went over Tom’s lap while Nimue and Pandora watched, and he spanked me quite firmly with his hand, including spanking the entirety of the backs of my thighs. He used his hand effectively, and it hurt a lot. I wasn’t sure exactly how it was going to go, but it ended up being a very fully formed scene: he kept going at increasing intensity until I broke past whimpering and into sniffling and moved into proper crying. That was a fairly rare thing: outside of a video, it’s rare for someone to make me cry the first time I play with them (legends of me crying every time I get spanked are gross overstatements). I think that it worked because there was no expectation set that this would happen. Very often, when someone sets out to make me cry, they are not successful. It jinxes it. This time, it just happened, and it felt right and good.
Afterwards, there were, of course, cuddles.
|Dear Pandora, I stole this off your blog. Love, Alex.|
This seems like a very good place to wrap up this post, as the next day we shot, and that will be a whole other thing to talk about.