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Censorship in the UK, Pornographers in Exile

Published December 5, 2014

So, let’s talk about the new ATVOD law that came into effect in the UK on Monday. I’d guess that many of you have already heard a lot about it, and if you read Pandora Blake’s blog you’ve already read much more cogent and significant writing than what I’m about to present here, but I long ago came to the conclusion that there’s no reason not to talk about something just because others have already done an excellent job of it. Besides, this issue needs all the media attention it can get, and I’m still seeing misinformation about the situation being passed around on social media.

People on twitter and Fetlife have been talking about the UK’s “spanking ban” or “porn ban.” These terms aren’t actually very accurate. The ATVOD law is a piece of legislature which limits what sorts of sexual activities can be presented in “video on demand”, a category which includes basically all forms of internet pornography: streaming and downloads on membership sites and pay-per-download videos hosted on sites like clips4sale and even content which is given out for free.

The law has been talked about a lot in the spanking community because it directly affects us: one of the things prohibited by the law is the infliction of any kind of pain inducing activity which is beyond “transient and trifling” and which leaves any mark on the body beyond slight reddening of the skin (welts, bruises… basically marks). This sums up most of the spanking content produced anywhere in the world. But the term “spanking ban” isn’t really the right one to use for two reasons. First of all, someone unaware of the situation reading that might come to the erroneous conclusion that spanking itself has been banned in the UK. It has not. That’s actually one of the things which is upsetting about the law: things which are perfectly legal to perform are illegal to film and distribute. The second reason is because while the prohibition of spanking in pornography is the part that will most directly affect most of us, the list of acts that are classified as “extreme pornography” is long and it includes a lot of things that are problematic. The term “porn ban” is also not entirely correct. Not all porn has been made illegal. Only a lot of the interesting stuff.

Spanking producers anywhere in the world have been dealing with a certain form of censorship for as long as internet spanking porn has existed. What we can and can’t show on film has been previously decided for us not by our governments, but by the companies that we use to process credit cards. CCBill, Clips4Sale and other companies that producers use to receive payment used to be the primary people who set the rules for what could and couldn’t be offered online.

Their rules restrict a lot of kinks, but are actually, by comparison, fairly permissive towards spanking porn: they prohibit showing any blood for any reason, limit what kind of ageplay scenarios can be presented, get fussy about words signifying blood relationships (“father,” “mother,” “brother,” “sister” et cetera) and force us to be careful about what words we use to talk about force and consensual non consent. They can also prohibit what is and isn’t too extreme in terms of marking, but it usually doesn’t come up.

Except, of course, for the time that it did. In 2013, CCBill forced Pandora Blake to remove a handful of scenes from Dreams of Spanking and to make changes to all the language used on the site, getting rid of words like “little girl” and “forced.” She had to comply or lose her ability to make money from her site, but she wasn’t being pushed into this by the law. She responded by making the content available for free on Darker Dreams.

Now that censorship is being enforced by the government and not just by corporations, this sort of work around isn’t possible anymore: like I mentioned before, UK producers can’t even give the content away for free. In addition to that, because making this content is illegal it doesn’t just mean that breaking the laws will result in your site being taken down (which in and of itself is disastrous for a producer, since for almost everyone I know producing spanking videos their site is their full time job and primary source of income) but in actual legal action being taken against the producers. As far as I understand the law (and feel free to correct me if I don’t have a proper understanding of it) someone could actually, hypothetically go to jail for making illegal, “extreme” pornography.

Looking at the law directly doesn’t tell you exactly what is and isn’t permitted in an easy to find manner because the law works by classifying internet pornography under the standards of censorship which had previously only applied to films released in cinema or on DVD: this is the reason why most UK spanking producers either don’t offer DVDs or sell them semi secretly. I referred to this blog post, which carefully breaks down what material is and isn’t permitted. The list is seriously problematic:

Peeing and female ejaculation are lumped together into one category, with the same rules applying to urine and to female ejaculatory fluid. This just shows a lack of sex education on the part of the people responsible for this legislature, because these two things are entirely different. Both are still permitted as long as they aren’t done onto another person, or then consumed. Squirting during sex is alright if it is “brief” and “isolated.”

This is an enormous problem because squirting isn’t even something that you set out to do, necessarily. It’s part of some women’s physiological response to sexual stimulus. This is a rule that will only affect female-centric porn that features female performers genuinely enjoying themselves (I don’t know anyone who can fake squirt, personally). You can have a brief squirt here and there, but can’t intentionally do it on anyone. And peeing, which is a widely popular fetish, can only be done in isolation from other people. This affects some spanking videos. There’s a cross over between the wetting fetish and the spanking fetish, specifically for girls wetting themselves while being spanked. It’s something people are very divided on, but I personally think this is totally hot. The scenes where one wets oneself while over a lap being spanked are doubly prohibited.

There isn’t actually a health risk associated with any of this behavior, either, even if we’re talking about drinking pee. Although some people may find it gross (it’s not my thing, personally) it isn’t any more likely to spread disease than lots of other things that we are totally allowed to do in porn (like kissing or having sex). You can’t ban something because you think it’s gross.

Of course, any consumption of male ejaculation is entirely fine. I don’t even understand how this makes sense. I feel that it’s blatantly sexist, and is implying that male centric, heteronormative porn is acceptable and that female centric porn is “extreme” and therefore deserving of censorship. On a related note, facesitting has been forbidden. This is apparently because if you try this on your own at home, you might die by having the airway blocked.

Interestingly, throat fucking, which also can be potentially dangerous in terms of blocking the airway, is entirely acceptable. The act which shows male pleasure is allowed, but the one which shows female pleasure is banned. You however, aren’t allowed to tell someone to “gag on your cock” because it refers to blocking the airway, whether you are doing it or not. Gags in general, especially when associated with bondage are prohibited. Bondage as a whole is mostly against the law, especially when it isn’t explicitly part of a roleplay scenario. I get the impression that behind the scenes material and context building items like interviews and performer blog posts don’t count for demonstrating consent here, just explicitly defining it on camera, which makes fantasy based bondage scenes illegal.

Fisting has been entirely forbidden. You cannot insert five fingers past the first knuckle into someone’s body. Again, this is a popular feature in female centric porn, and there’s no evidence that it’s actually medically dangerous.

There are quite a few other things on the list, but this blog post will be infinitely long if I talk about all of them, so let me come to the most relevant: BDSM pain play is only permissible if it is “transient and trifling.” Like I said before, this means no marks and less visible severity of any kind. I don’t just mean spanking, I mean any kind of kinky shit that hurts someone.

The supposed reason for this and for most of the other regulations is someone might try to replicate this at home and cause harm or death. This is a strange argument. For one thing, you can watch depictions of lots of things that you really shouldn’t try to do yourself, like almost everything in every movie and TV show ever. For some reason, they seem to believe that the general public can grasp the idea that you shouldn’t replicate the things that you see in a standard film, but that people will do dangerous and harmful things if they replicate that which is presented in pornography. I feel that if this was the real concern, it should just suffice to add a little caption on the bottom of the screen that reads “professional fuckers on a closed set, do not try this at home.”

In a certain way, by saying this, the British government is making all pornographers de facto sex educators. If they truly believe that people will replicate what they see in porn, shouldn’t they be celebrating sex positive porn, female centric porn and consensual, safe kink porn? Instead, these are the sites that they are criminalizing. Porn which shows a man with a perfect dick fucking a girl with a perfect body in a scene where he never attempts to please her, she moans in a way which is obviously fake and he then pulls out and ejaculates all over her face is basically protected under this law. Nothing about this scene is “extreme.”

If porn is meant to be a guide to sexual practices, then these videos are shoving body negativity and sexism down our throats in a way that the damage, while not physical, would be far beyond transient and trifling. The sites that focus on the pleasure of people of all genders, on discovering who you are and loving it, on not being ashamed of your sexuality even if you’ve been taught that it’s wrong by society are the ones that are being targeted by these restrictions.

Spanking porn is actually a very positive thing. It’s primarily made by a tight knit group of people who keep each other safe and who are passionate enough about sharing and celebrating their kink that they’re willing to dedicate their lives to it. The spanking community (both online and at parties) allows us to interact with performers and know that they truly enjoy what they do. You’re currently sitting wherever you are reading my blog about how I love what I do and how it fills my life with happiness and satisfaction in a way that no other profession could for me.

While there are certainly models who aren’t interested in spanking and just do a few shoots here and there for the money, they’re looked after, too, and the play is scaled to their tolerances. Limits are discussed. Safewords are in place. The play which is presented in spanking shoots is actually very safe: realistically, trying to replicate what you see in a film is likely not actually going to hurt someone because the majority of the Tops in spanking films are very skilled and watching them carefully can actually teach good technique. Of course we roleplay non-consensual scenarios, but I feel that this is the part which is inherently understood by the viewer. And if it isn’t, should we just be responsible for providing more context building materials outside of the actual scene instead of having the entire thing banned?

 I’m not saying that the spanking industry is perfect. I have had bad experiences (one notable one) and so have other models that I know. But in general, it’s a healthy, positive community, and with the current louder voices in the scene emphasizing acceptance, safe play, negotiation, consent et cetera, it could only get even better. Unless, of course, you ban the entire thing.

I think it’s telling that when I get into arguments with people online in which I try to defend my experience as a spanking model as having been positive and explain that producing and participating in porn can be a really great experience for everyone involved, the response that I usually get is that it’s so nice for me that in my niche things are in such good shape, but that “real” porn is full of consent violations and ignored limits (I have absolutely no experience with mainstream B/G porn and I’m not agreeing with or supporting this statement, just repeating what was said to me on the internet). It’s funny that what I do isn’t even considered “real” porn by many, yet to the British government, it’s not just real, it’s “extreme.”

So, what’s the state of affairs for the UK based spanking producers? They’re faced with the calling to either relocate their studios, close up shop or fight back and do whatever they can. As far as I have been able to tell, none of the British spanking sites are going to stop production.

Paul told me about this law a couple of weeks ago, and was obviously extremely distressed about it. He asked me if I would be willing to take over legal ownership of Northern Spanking, making it a US based website instead of a UK one. In order to do this, Paul had to, on a legal level, give me every aspect of his company. Technically, I own it, and he now doesn’t have any source of income: that’s all, on paper, mine. Since, despite what you may have heard, I’m not a terrible person, I’m not going to really let this change anything. Everything about Northern will remain the same, until the site’s new design which has been in process for a while now is launched, that is. (I’m not going to run in and put stickers on everything.)

The process of transferring ownership to me was complicated, tedious, stressful and expensive, but it means that Northern is no longer at risk and that, most importantly, no one is going to arrest Paul. Doing this made me sad, though. It was bitter that Paul can’t own the thing that he has spent the better portion of my lifetime nurturing, and which he dedicates so much time, love, energy to. I know that he’s angry at the government for taking that away from him, and rightfully so. I wish I could be with him right now to offer him some comfort.

I learned that John Osborne who runs Triple A Spanking has done something similar: he announced on his blog that transferred ownership of his site to his US based partner, Sarah Gregory in what I can only assume is a similar arrangement. Not everyone has the privilege of having a trusted loved one in another country to whom they can transfer ownership of their site, however. When I was first asked for my thoughts on this on tumblr, a commenter asked why producers don’t just move to another country.

Moving yourself to another country is incredibly difficult. It means uprooting your entire life, putting a huge distance between you and your loved ones, leaving your home, selling or getting rid of most of your possessions because they’re too expensive and difficult to ship, selling your car or paying expensive fees to ship it, rehoming your pets or putting them through quarantine, going through a complicated legal process to get residency which is never easy and in fact can severely limit who can immigrate where and, if you’re leaving England, potentially giving up your right to free Health Care. I know all this because this is what Paul is going through right now.

When I first responded to that inquiry, I said that I didn’t think anyone would do that. It bothered me that people so callously threw this idea around online like it was the simplest thing in the world. “What? The law is infringing on your freedom and making it illegal for you to continue to earn your living? Just leave your entire life behind and start living somewhere else!” Moving to another country is a serious commitment, and I, wishfully, didn’t think that this was a situation so dire that it would cause people to have to do that.

I was not correct, as Sarah Bright of Spanking Sarah and English Spankers (among other sites) announced that she and her partner, Mr. Stern will be relocating their family to Spain to avoid persecution, a piece of news that solidified the seriousness of this situation for me. I simultaneously think it isn’t fair for people to suggest that producers should simply move away and feel that it’s perfectly understandable to want to live your life, especially a family life (as Sarah describes in her post) away from this stressful situation.

Pandora Blake has declared that she’s staying put, and she’s staying very on top of things, giving us information on how to file a complaint against the ATVOD and encouraging people to join her at a protest against the policies next week. Dreams of Spanking will continue to operate in the UK.

 Nimue Allen of Nimue’s World  has posted about the issue as well, and, as far as I can tell, intends to stand her ground and continue to operate her site from England. Hywel Phillips of Restrained Elegance, explained in a blog post that his studios are already legally based in the US and that he isn’t sure how the censorship will affect him, but that he doesn’t want to have to leave his home country. I don’t know what several other producers plan to do or not do, but it’s vital that all of them have our support.

What can you do?

If you live in the UK you can write to your MP protesting the censorship.
No matter where you live, you can sign this petition.
If you live in the UK you can also sign this one, and, most importantly, the official petition.
Donate to Backlash UK, a sexual liberties lobby group which has set up a legal fund to assist producers if they are targeted, and who is campaigning against the policy.
If you’re local to London or able to travel there, attend a protest outside of Parliament.
Consider getting a month’s membership to one of the sites affected by the censorship.

Please remember:
If you live in the UK, it is NOT illegal for you to join spanking sites, purchase spanking content or posses this content. As a consumer, you are not at risk: only producers are.

I don’t even feel up to leaving the sign-off heart on this post. There’s nothing that I heart about this.

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KOTW: The Words

Published December 2, 2014

I am a very, very bad girl and I’m writing this after it’s technically due, but the submit link is still open, so I’m going for it. I feel like a naughty student trying to slip my homework assignment into the stack on my teacher’s desk in hopes that he’ll still accept it. [Shakes self free of fantasy] This Last week’s Kink of the Week topic was dirty talk.

Kink of the Week

Generally, when I think about the idea of dirty talk, I imagine a conversation like this:

“Oh, oh fuck me. Fuck my cunt.”
“Oh yes, you like my cock in your wet pussy don’t you, you filthy whore?”

I then proceed to be really not turned on after thinking about that.

See, for me, I’ve always struggled with what I want sex to be vs. what I thought sex was supposed to be. For about the first five years that I was having sex with males, I had a lot of very unsatisfactory sex and it included a lot of conversations like the one above. It was a sexual routine: I moaned the way that I thought it sounded right to moan and I tried to control my body when I was aroused. I think that my aroused face is stupid looking: it’s bright red and squirreled up looking (see also: many of my masturbation videos) and a lot of the time, I was more focused on trying to look good than trying to enjoy myself. That whole period of my sexual history seems very sad to me now. Fortunately, I let go of all that and embraced what turned me on. That meant that dirty talking went away pretty much entirely for a while. I got involved with Rafa, and our sex is best categorized by the word “affectionate.”  The things we mutter to each other are intimate communications, gentle and passionate. Our sexuality continues to be that way, and I wouldn’t want it any other. That’s the beauty of poly: I have the ability to enjoy several different kinds of relationships at once.

When I finally came to embrace the combination of my spanking fetish and my sexuality, a form of dirty talking became incredibly important. The things that are said during a spanking scene are so significant to me. They’re arguably as important to me as the actual act itself: a scene which takes place in total silence would need to have a lot of emotional or erotic pretense in order to be enjoyable for me. No, I need to be talked to. “Go to your room.” “I’m going to punish you.” “You’re a naughty little girl.” “Pull your panties down, right now.” These phrases make me swoon. They make my heart pound and make me blush. The words “spanking” and “spank” are etched into me so deeply, that the sound of them anywhere, in any context makes my mind drop everything else it was thinking about and focus on that set of sounds. That hissing s, popping p, nose crinkling for the n, hard k sound. Other words that sound similar can trigger the same reaction in me. Spark. Banking.

I wonder if this is what it feels like to enjoy talking dirty, if the words that I used to say to the boys I used to sleep with turned them on this way, set forth some uncontrollable beast in their hearts the way that “I’m going to give you a spanking when we get home” does when whispered close to my ear in a public place, every nerve in my body standing at its fullest attention.

I like being told what will happen to me, and I like being reminded of what did happen, even if it just ended five minutes ago. I want to hear it said. I want details. I want the sound of Paul’s voice. Really, I could listen to him reading a list of numbers and enjoy it: I love his diction, his intonation. I knew his voice long before I ever heard it in person. I like to hear him say my name, reminding me that all of this is real and not some long fantasy I’ve been lost in. I want to be told that I’m his, hear words like “own” and “mine” and “belong.” I want to feel like he possesses me, and these simple words make that happen instantly.

Sometimes, I enjoy more traditional dirty talk now, if it’s in a context of power exchange. When I let go of the sexual pretenses that I had developed in my youth, I discovered a new coyness and almost timid attitude towards my sexual encounters when they’re in a D/s context. I became virginal again, unable to even bring myself to say these things aloud. It embarrasses me that someone as experienced as I am can feel this way, and that embarrassment fills me with its own arousal. Being made to ask for things in explicit terms (although not really  horribly “dirty” ones, there’s a strict set of words that are and aren’t horny for me) has become very, very hot for me. The sound of my own voice, suddenly high with shyness, words having trouble fully forming, breathy and vulnerable, compared to the solid security that I hear in the notes of his represents everything that I feel. ❤︎

 

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“The Other School”

Published November 21, 2014

A new scene involving me was just released, and I didn’t write about that shoot when it happened (it was during the very dark time of me never blogging, which I hope I’m proving to you is coming to an end) so I’m going to talk a little about it now. 😀

The scene is called “The Other School” and it’s newly released on Dreams of Spanking. We filmed this back in April (or was it May? One of those months) when I was lucky enough to have Pandora visiting me. The time that Pandora spent visiting was extremely fun. I was very much looking forward to doing this shoot: we had me, Christy Cutie, Maddy Marks and Pandora, plus Paul topping and my vanilla partner, Rafa, helping with camera and lighting. It was a fun day of shooting (half of it was for Northern Spanking and half for Dreams) with a bunch of really great scenes. One of the ones that I enjoyed the most was this one, though.

The plot of the video is that Pandora and I go to a very strict school and our best friends, Christy and Maddy go to a more lenient one. This is made obvious by the differences in our uniforms: Christy and Maddy get to wear fairly “grown up” looking uniforms, obviously not having gotten reprimanded for shortening their skirts, and can even get away with wearing high heels. The school that Pandora and I go to is much stricter, and we wear traditional white and navy uniforms (I’m in a gym slip and Pandora is wearing a skirt and blouse) with flat shoes and have to wear ties.

I don’t really know why I didn’t just get dressed again for this “behind the scenes” photo. Probably because I’m ridiculous.

 

After a scene showing the four of us hanging out and chatting, Maddy and Christy convince us to ditch our last period study hall to go hang out with them on Friday. They wear us down from “They will literally kill us, as in, I would be dead” to “well, I guess we are seniors now…” Maddy asks “what’s the worst thing that could happen?” and Christy suggests that we’ll get a detention another day. Of course, this is a spanking video, so I think you can guess what the worst thing that can happen is.

Obviously, this plan ends badly for Pandora and I, and in my nervousness as we wait to be caned I engage in a lot of excessive anxious hair twirling and the two of us whisper about our fears of what will happen to us next. We’re then interrupted by the stern voice of Mr. Kennedy ordering us in.
We filmed this little bit in just a couple of minutes, but it had a strong effect on both Pandora and I. When it comes to school type scenes, we share a lot of the same kinks, and this moment really played into it for both of us. Apprehension, formality, sternness, the bond between those being punished together… all these things were spot on for both of us. I remember after we filmed this bit, Pandora turned to me and said “Well, that’s most of my school kink summarized in two minutes” or something along those lines.

Maddy and Christy decide that they feel guilty that we’re probably in more trouble than they are, so they sneak into our school, peering into a door that leads to our gymnasium, where they discover that Pandora and I are getting beaten. They decide that they need to confront our headmaster and let him know that it’s their fault, too. The caning scene here was tough for me: I accidentally gotten a patch of broken skin a while prior to the shoot and it hadn’t healed yet (this is not something that usually happens to me and I was very freaked out by it) but I had still really wanted to participate in the scenes that we had planned. This one, particularly, was one I was looking forward to. Stern, formal school scenes are so close to the core of my kink, and I love doing scenes with a lot of girls in them, especially ones who I adore like these three!

Paul didn’t go easy on me: the strokes cut and burned and bit the way that canings always do. I was deeply immersed in the scene and thinking about how I had gotten myself into so much trouble and how embarrassing it was to be getting caned (if you watch the film, my face is bright red when you see the reaction shots). When Paul and I do roleplay scenes together, we’re able to slip perfectly into the characters that we’re playing. I don’t know what’s going on in his head, but for me, I’m never aware of the fact that he’s my boyfriend and I’m head over heels in love with him. That foundation creates a huge amount of trust that allows me to give up control and just enjoy whatever we’re doing, but in that moment, I’m intimidated by him because he’s my strict and fearsome headmaster. And after that moment, I’m sky high with happiness at this phenomenon.

Anyway, back in the film, Maddy and Christy explain to Paul that they feel that our misbehavior was all their fault (while both looking adorably nervous) and ask to share the punishment. I really like this whole idea. A lot of the school stories that were the origin of many of my original fantasies focused on the “codes of honor” that students shared about protecting each other, and I find hearing Maddy suggest that they should be caned as well incredibly hot on an unrelated note. Paul agrees and lessens the punishment due to Pandora and I, dividing the 12 strokes we were each due across the four girls and therefore leaving us with six each. Although I was originally getting my strokes over my panties, once the sentence was reduced we wind up having to take them on the bare. Serious ouch. Group punishment means watching your friends get punished, either while nursing a sore bottom or worrying about what will be about to happen to you! I think I got off easiest since I got the first caning, since I didn’t have to worry about my own impending beating while watching my friends get theirs:

In the end, we were a sore and well striped bunch of girls:

After we finished filming, there were cuddles all around and we enjoyed hanging out before going on to the next (and last) scene of the day. When we finished shooting, we went out to dinner to celebrate. All in all, an awesome shoot and a scene that I love. I especially appreciate that Dreams released a scene involving me and Paul right after he left: I often prevent myself from missing Paul TOO much by watching scenes involving the two of us. I can dive back into the memory of being there with him, plus, thanks to the miracle of spanking porn, I can hear Paul’s voice even on days when I don’t talk to him!

 

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Updates and Friday Night Out (Mostly OT)

Published November 15, 2014

Oh hai!

Just a couple of really quick things. First of all, Spanking Awards. I was so excited when, in 2012, I was nominated for Creative Blog of the Year and even more excited when I won. There weren’t any awards the following year: I guess brushstrokes has stopped blogging pretty much, and didn’t host any awards. Thankfully, my good friend The Chief over at Spanking Blogg has resurrected these awards. It’s currently in the nominations process, so I recommend that you guys go check it out and nominate your favorite spankees, spankers, sites, blogs et cetera. I know that on one level it’s a silly little thing, but getting recognition is really nice and there are so many wonderful people who work so hard to make the spanking piece of the internet awesome, so go share your favorites!

Secondly, I’ve just finished removing some blogs from my blogroll. I removed blogs that hadn’t been updated in six months (with the exception of Maddy Marks‘ blog because every time I bring it up she tells me she is going to update again, and she’s one of my best friends so I’ll let her get away with it!) and any blogs that were not available for the 18+ public to view (those that required a password et cetera). I also removed a blog for talking extensively about spanking children (like, for real, not as a fantasy), which I do not condone or approve of. I also found that two blogs had moved URLs and updated those, so all the blogs on my list should be ones that update at least sometimes and that you can easily access.

That said, I feel like my blog list is currently incomplete. If you write a blog and I don’t have a link to yours, please leave a comment so I can add you. If there’s a blog you enjoy that I don’t link to, please let me know! I want to share as many quality spanking blog links as I can without just going through other people’s links lists and copying them.

I hope you all had a good Friday. I finished the work I needed to do early today, so Maddy and I went to the mall and did some shopping. I got new panties and some new pajamas.

I didn’t get these leggings. Um, just a little TOO see thru!

 

I’m feeling very torn about the new stuff that I DID get. Part of me wants to get to wearing it right away due to the epic coziness, and part of me wants to save it until Paul gets back, because I like to wear new things for the first time when he’s with me. It seems a shame to wear something brand new and adorable for the first time while sitting alone at home! I suppose I have other options, like wearing them for a shoot or saving some and wearing others, or wearing them for the first time when we’re skyping sometime soon. I realize that this is not as big of a deal as I’m making it.

Maddy and I got caught in traffic getting me home after our excursion, so I had to do a quick change from “Aren’t you proud that I got dressed and left the house today” to “dressed up to go to a fetish club,” which is a significant difference! I managed to make myself presentable to the general kinky public in less than a half hour, though, which is not bad! I was hurrying, though, so I didn’t take a picture, but I wore heels. I’m trying to practice wearing heels a bit more, so I don’t seem like a baby deer when I walk in them. Anyway, I went to Sanctuary Studios LAX with The Cameraman from the Clare Fonda Sites. They were hosting a play party, and although neither The Cameraman or I intended to play, it was a fun place to hang out and catch up. There was also a live stage show which included four acts. The first part started with play piercing, which I didn’t mind watching although it is definitely not “my thing” (I have done it once, for the experience). It then turned into blood cupping, though, and I had to look away. I’m terrified of suction cups. It’s a weird thing to be afraid of, I know, but that’s just me. The idea of someone’s blood being sucked out of their body through their skin makes me feel like I’m going to pass out just describing it here. Since that was literally happening on the stage, I was happy that the Cameraman is very tall so I could angle myself so he blocked the show for me. Apparently after that, the blood was spread around and played with, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch that part, either. I guess I’m just squeemish. The next act was a dance routine which involved the performer stripping and then pouring an entire bottle of red wine all over themselves and then head banging, which created a pretty awesome visual effect, but I was glad that I was sitting closer to the back! The next part involved three girls being strapped to spanking benches, but instead of the spankings I was expecting, each was brought to a multitude of forced orgasms with the hitatchi. It would have been a lot more intense to observe if there hadn’t been loud music playing, but it was fascinating to see how each one responded to pleasure differently and the motions their bodies made. The final act was another strip-tease which involved some extremely impressive pole dancing. Watching live shows like this is kind of a new experience for me, and it was certainly interesting, if not particularly erotic for me. Of course, I don’t expect everyone to cater to my particular kink, but I kept eyeing the fact that there was a stage there, and fantasizing about being marched onto it to be punished in front of everyone… now that’s an idea I can get behind!

Anyway, it’s late and tomorrow my friend and I are going to Chuck E Cheese (yes, this was my idea, of course!) so I should probably go to bed. Now that I’m posting more often, a lot more posts are off topic from the spanking world, although pretty much everything in my life is tangentially related to spanking. From now on I’ll be labeling posts with “OT” in the title if there isn’t at least one part that discusses a spanking scene or a concept related to spanking, or if the post does not include spanking related photos.

Night night!

Posted in Daily Life | Tagged , , , | 8 Comments

The Day to Day

Published November 13, 2014

As you all know, in the past year and a half or so, I’ve become really shitty at updating my blog. There are tons and tons of reasons for it, which I think I often explain when I’m talking about this. There are two main ones, though.

The first is time. I’m a busy girl, and I’m glad to be. I pack my days full of doing administrative work for myself, shooting, sessioning, house keeping, cat cuddling, writing, visiting friends and working on two projects that I don’t want to mention until they are finished but are very time consuming. I spend half of my year with Paul, visiting with him for three months at a time before he’s gone for another three. This ends up meaning that when Paul *is* here, I get wrapped up in wanting to spend all my free time with him, which I honestly think is totally legitimate. And in addition to Paul, I’m lucky enough to have Rafa and Z nearby, and, in case I haven’t mentioned it here, to have Z as my girlfriend again (we dated, broke up around the time that I was moving to South Dakota and recently started to date again). Having three significant others in one city means that I spend a lot of time with at least one of my partners. I have to learn how to build blogging into my daily activities once again, and it’s been a slow process, but I’m going to keep trying!

The second reason is vulnerability. When I started this blog, I was happy to sit down and just talk about everything that was going on in my life. This was something that slowly changed. My ex didn’t want me to write about certain parts of my life. Others seemed off topic. Others seemed to personal, too vulnerable. Things got to a point where my style changed and I only wrote encapsulated little stories or thought pieces. I love writing those things, and really, they’re always going to be my best posts, but I’ve decided that I want to start writing about my day to day life more.

There are some things that I strictly won’t talk about: what happens during sessions, for example, is strictly confidential, even if it’s funny or poignant. Similarly, I won’t share stories that aren’t mine to share: I won’t talk about things that are going on in my friends’ and partners’ lives unless I have their explicit permission to discuss it.

But, after that header, I’m ready to launch into talking about things. So, in other words, very little of this post is actually about spanking, so you might possibly find it boring.

Paul went back to England on Monday. The last week of him being here was mixed between trying to get as many things done as possible and me wanting to spend about 90 percent of my time like this:

 

Paul didn’t mind, of course. He wants to cuddle me just as much as I want to him. We snuggled and he spent a long time reassuring me that everything is, of course, going to be alright. I do require a lot of that, and it makes me feel silly sometimes, but that’s just me. Paul also spent a lot of time sitting in the yard and reading. The weather has been warm recently, even for Los Angeles and it had been sunny. He said that wanted to load up on sunshine to save for the long, gloomy winter in England that he had ahead of him, and I told him that he was being like Frederick the mouse. He was unfamiliar with this story, so I told it to him.

On Sunday, Paul obviously had plans for me. He had woken up earlier than me, as usual, and I laid in bed longer than I needed to listening to the sounds of him moving around the house. I was keenly aware that soon, I would we be waking up to quiet, and I took comfort in the reminder that he was there with me for at least a little while longer. When I got up, I discovered that he had laid a school uniform out for me. It was one of the ones from the Northern Spanking wardrobe, complete with a cute pink and blue striped tie. I hadn’t made the bed that morning because The Baby Monster was sleeping on it, and he looked particularly cute and I didn’t want to disturb him. Not making the bed is one of the most common reasons for us to segue into a play punishment spanking scene, and so it began, with Paul pulling me over his lap and lifting my rather short and form fitting navy blue skirt.

He began to spank me with his hand, no harder than the usual for fun spanking, but within a few moments, I burst into tears. I was in a state of total and complete vulnerability, and I couldn’t handle very much playing. He spanked me for a while, letting me cry out what really should have been all my tears. When he finished, he pulled me up into his lap and cuddled on him desperately. “How do you feel?” he asked me, as has done from time to time since the very first day that we played together off camera. This time, for the first time, I didn’t have an answer right away. I did feel happy to have been spanked, and to be existing in the comfortable bubble of being taken care of. At the same time, though, I felt sad. That was the only word for it. I was sad. I knew that Paul had to go, and I really didn’t want to make him feel guilty about it. I just couldn’t keep myself together, as much as I wanted to be able to put everything away.

Paul had planned to spend most of the day playing together, but he altered this plan when he realized that I just wasn’t up for it. Instead, he spent the time looking after me, and doing everything he could to make me feel safe and secure. We decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite spots (Curry House, for those of you who want Los Angeles restaurant recommendations from me and like Japanese food). Before we ate, we went into the Japanese bookstore, where Paul looked at some historical books and I found the section where they keep the “non nude erotic art”, which is essentially tease erotica, mostly focusing on school uniforms and upskirts. The first book I had purchased from that section, School Girl Complex, didn’t actually include any pictures with panties in it, much to my disappointment, but it was incredibly suggestively erotic and very beautiful artwork. This time, though, I found one that while it didn’t include any explicit nudity, had lots of underwear photos in it. I happily showed it to Paul, who said “That’s coming home with us.” I would take a picture of the book to show you, but Paul took it with him to England.

Dinner was delicious, as always. We always have the exact same meal there: hamburger curry for and a fruit punch, chicken breast katsu curry for Paul, and a Sapporo. My mood was significantly lighter as we ate, and I focused on the fact that we’d get to talk a lot and that I would keep myself very busy while he was away. Once we’d finished eating, we stopped into the local market, where Paul bought me candy and a Re-ment raccoon figure for my collection of little chumbly animals. From there, I noticed that one of my favorite stores was still open, and dragged Paul over to it. If there’s one store where the majority of my dresses comes from, it’s this one. Besides selling cute, girly things, they have a cat in the shop, and I always want to go in and pet him. It’s a very good business technique, really. I’m friendly with the shop keeper, and we ended up talking for a while. She knows that Paul is my boyfriend and that he goes back and forth to England, and we talked about this for a while. She asked how old we both were, and we joked a bit about our twenty year age gap. I’ve been coming to this store since the first time that I lived in Los Angeles, so over five years. The store keeper told Paul “Before, she was really miserable. You could see it in her face. Now she’s always smiling, look at how happy you make her.”

It’s true. Even when things aren’t easy, I feel so overwhelming lucky to be so in love– and so loved! I ended up buying a cardigan with cats on it (obviously) and then we headed home, where we had some “alone time” and then snuggled up for bed.

The next day, I made us brunch before we had to leave for the airport. I had worried that I was going to come completely undone, but I was alright. Paul had successfully brought me back to feeling secure and focusing on being loved, not on the distance that was about to separate us. I was surprisingly fine as I drove home. I was maybe a little bit numb, and I took the evening to myself, fucking around and playing video games while wearing my bunny suit (because that’s what you do when home alone, right?)

I have a sleepy, no makeup face here :3

The next day was a busy one: in the morning, Maddy Marks and I went hiking, then we met up with her boyfriend, Siq, to go get lunch. After lunch, Maddy and I went to get our nails done, which made me feel tidy and pretty again after having felt slobby for a couple days while I had broken nails. Maddy hung out with me right until I had to leave for a bondage shoot, and after shooting I went out for delicious sushi. I was overjoyed and well fed, and I came home, where I did a bit of work and then went to bed.

Except it didn’t work. I have spent most of my life with circadian rhythm issues. For whatever reason, despite having a sternly enforced bedtime, it’s very hard for me to go to bed if there isn’t someone else there to remind me to. When Paul is here with me, he doesn’t even need to tell me to go to bed a lot of the time: I just tell him that I’m feeling sleepy and go get ready, sometimes before my bedtime. But for whatever reason, in an empty house I just don’t get sleepy. I grow tired and weary, but my brain remains awake. I was still awake when the sun came up the next day. I ended up dozing a little bit, then getting up and making myself something to eat, after which I pretty much immediately decided to go back to sleep. As soon as I got there, though, missionaries knocked on my door and woke me up. I hid under the blankets. Eventually I fell into a weird, groggy sleep full of strange dreams (those have been plaguing me recently) and I got up around 3:00 PM. I woke up with a headache, thinking it was caused by my weird sleep pattern. I soon realized it was a garden variety migraine, though, and medicated myself accordingly. Eventually, I perked up and got a bunch of work done.

Besides being sad about Paul heading back to England, I’m melancholy this time of year because it’s the time of year when my brother passed away three years ago. LOL day made me sad: I remember writing my first LOL day post while my brother was in hospice, just a couple of days before he left us. I’ve accepted that he’s gone and moved on, but that doesn’t mean that my heart will ever stop feeling like part of it is dead, too.

Fortunately, I’ve got a lot of stuff going on in the next few days to keep me distracted.

PS- when I went to label this I was overjoyed to discover that there was already a tag for “bunny suit.” I’m the best. 😛
❤︎

Posted in Daily Life | Tagged , , , , , | 8 Comments

Love our Lurkers Day 9!

Published November 13, 2014

Hi guys!
This post comes late in the day as I haven’t been feeling well today. I had horrible insomnia last night, then did too much day sleeping today, then woke up with a migraine. Definitely not the best. This post may be less coherent than my usual stuff because of this. Be warned.

But, I wanted to make sure I got to participate in Love Our Lurker’s Day! I have only done this once, since remembering a date and making a deadline aren’t entirely my blogging strong suits. >_<

But, I wanted to remember to do it this year. I wanted to thank all of you who read my blog, since I see how many of you there are. I want to thank you guys for sticking with me as my posting has become more sporadic, even though I regularly promise that it’s going to become regular again. I want to thank those of you who comment for making me smile, and encourage everyone else to consider doing so. I know that it’s hard: I have to tell myself to comment on the blogs that I read, since I don’t instinctively do it. I think that there isn’t a reason to comment unless I have something enlightening to say. But when I think with my writer side of my brain instead of my reader side, I remember that a comment that just says “I read this and enjoyed it!” makes me happy. So, when you’re reading, please keep that in mind!

From time to time, I get emails from people who are de-lurking for the very first time: it’s their first direct contact with a spanko ever. I can’t tell you how incredibly precious these are to me. It usually moves me to tears, because I remember feeling ashamed, afraid and alone because of my lifelong interest in spanking. It makes me feel so wonderful when people feel comfortable opening up about this side of themselves to me, and I’m always so excited to help introduce them to the wonderful world that is Spankingland.

I also want to thank the people who helped inspire me to start blogging: Erica Scott, Sophie (who is now retired from blogging but still a wonderful and cherished friend) and Pandora Blake. Their wonderful writing, openness to share and delightful insights into the world of spanking helped me greatly in my quest for self understanding and made me feel alright about opening myself up to the world in a similar way.

Anyway, if you’re feeling up to it, please leave a comment here! If you’ve never commented, introduce yourself and let’s start a conversation! I love talking to people, sharing ideas and getting to know them. Even if you have commented before, reminding me that you’re still here will bring a huge smile to my face.

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KOTW- Hosiery: Maturity and Security in Stockings

Published November 2, 2014

Oh hi! Happy Halloween! I’ve been out of town for about two weeks and up to my eyeballs in stuff to do once I got back: I’m finishing up a very exciting project and it’s taking a lot of time and writing energy (hint hint)! I meant to get this KOTW post up yesterday, but I ended up having an allergic reaction to something and getting hives and all sorts of problems, so my night didn’t end the way I had planned it. -_- I’m doing better now, but I’m EVEN MORE BEHIND THAN BEFORE. AHHHHH. I’m going to Maddy Mark’s house tonight with Christy Cutie, Paul, Rafa and others to give Halloween a second attempt, so stay tuned for photos from this. Anyway, this post ended up being much more vulnerable than I expected the topic to be, but here you go! Let me know what you think! 

KOTW this period focused on Tights and Stockings.

Kink of the Week

Starting out in my kink life, I never had much opinion on stockings and tights. Living in South Dakota for two years meant that I wore quite a lot of tights, since most of the year, I had to have them on in order to wear skirts. I had stockings, which I usually only wore with lingerie or during shoots, but neither item felt particularly kinky to me. While I’ve always thought that I looked cute in tights under clothes, I don’t like the way that they make my stomach and butt look when I’m only wearing them. Specifically, the seam down the center and they way it leaves a compression mark on my stomach that looks like a scar is seriously unsexy to me, and sometimes, tights make my butt look… squeezed. This is a feeling that I like: although it’s nowhere near my primary kink, I do enjoy the feeling of encasing fabrics, which I think is a lot of the tights fetish for some of my friends who have it. I don’t like the aesthetic of this effect, though.
Another problem that I have with tights is the way that they interact with panties. Panties are my second biggest kink, following spanking, and I want them to be accessible both to the eye and to the touch, especially when I’m wearing a dress or skirt. Tights usually end up covering the panties in a way that makes difficult to touch and view. So, tights weren’t high on my list of things to wear to play, but they were still part of my every day wardrobe.

Photo by Erofet Imageworks, in 2009 or something like that. Chilling in mountains in some tights and nothing else!

 

I didn’t wear stockings often because I don’t often find stockings that fit me well. My legs are pretty long, but my thighs are admittedly fairly chubby. I’ve never had stockings that fit me just right, positioning themselves right under my butt with only a little bit of a gap. It’s easier for me to find garter (suspender) stockings that fit me well, but that’s a whole complicated thing itself! Fastening suspender straps, keeping seams straight: stockings are a lot of work.

That said, when they look right, stockings are pretty. I like the way they feel (such silkiness) and I like the vintage air that they lend to an outfit. They’re highly feminine in a way that I can truly get behind. If I don’t have to constantly fuss to keep them straight (and if they’re coming up high enough on my legs to not make me feel self conscious, since my thighs are a big source of self consciousness for me in the first place) they make me feel classy.
But they never were something that I went out of my way to incorporate into spanking play.

I wish these stockings went up three inches higher or so! Photo by Omar, in January of this year.

Why didn’t stockings “do it” for me for spanking, even if I acknowledged how pretty they are and how nice they feel to touch? Because, in my mind, stockings feel too “grown up” for my head space in most of my spanking scenes. While I like formality, I like “school uniform” formal much more than “stockings and an elegant dress” formal. It’s really only in the past couple of years that I’ve come to enjoy playing more adult characters while getting spanked, a difference which I note in my mind as knee socks vs. stockings. For example, one of my most grown up, powerful bottoming roles on film ever was in Corporate Intimidation for Dreams of Spanking, and what was I wearing at the time?

From Dreams of Spanking, 2013

Stockings have become a bigger deal for me in the past year and a half or so, though, because Paul is particularly fond of them. He says that he finds the gap between my bottom and the top of my stockings (which has so long made me feel silly looking) sexy, saying that it invites him to want to smack the backs of my legs. He particularly enjoys me wearing stockings with heels (another thing which has taken some confidence for me to get into wearing) and suspenders (garters). There’s something incredibly erotic for me about wearing something that I know pleases my partner, especially my Dominant partner. When I choose to put in the effort and dress this way, I’m doing something to make him smile, plus I can almost guarantee play time later. It’s a way of being subtly submissive out of my own free will, and it makes me feel like a good girl. This isn’t to say that I’m only doing it for him. Now, I’ve come to feel sexy and empowered when dressing this way. But I don’t think I would have embraced this side of myself as well without the push to do it to please him.

I’m happy to be exploring more “grown up” spanking scenes sometimes now, with stockings on in all of them, although I feel safest and most secure with knee socks on still. It’s a space for me to move into, I suppose. Something that I’ll come to own. As I get older and more confident in general, and as having a loving supportive environment instead of one which emotionally beats me down allows me to blossom and be less self conscious and less anxious, I think I’ll come to identify more with the character of a powerful, sexy woman who gets spanked despite being very in control (like in Corporate Intimidation) at times, although I suspect that my very vulnerable school girl self will never really diminish. I’ve changed so much in my time in the scene that I no longer like to predict what, exactly will happen, but I know that this is an area where I’m hoping to grow.   ❤︎

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200th Post!

Published October 12, 2014

So, my blog is officially 200 posts old. Realistically, that’s a very small number of posts per year, but it’s what I’ve been able to do. Here’s to getting through the next 200 posts much more quickly!

Realizing just how many posts I’ve written made me want to go back and skim some of the old ones. There were lots of milestones and adventures recorded, changes in my writing style as time has gone by and a drastic improvement in my skin quality, makeup ability, hair and eyebrows as I’ve grown into myself a little bit.

In case you haven’t read all 200 posts (and really, who has?!) here are a few memorable ones to look at:

Year 1:

My First Adventure in Spanking Modeling: a post describing my first ever spanking shoot with Assume the Position Studios three years ago.
A Spanko on Folsom Street: in which I visit the Folsom Street Fair with friends, take oral history from aging Old Guard leathermen and question how I fit into the BDSM community as a spanking fetishist.
My First Spanking: in which I describe my first spanking experience, which had happened several years before this was written.
Curious About…: this post includes my original spanking bucket list. I still have not sat down in the snow after being spanked, but I have done everything else!
Limits: in which I describe what I saw as my limits at the time of writing. This list has nothing to do with my limits today, and shows what a different headspace I was in back then. Some aspects of it are influenced by the preferences of my partner at the time. Others are because I didn’t really feel comfortable with aspects of myself yet. Others aren’t made into a hard enough limit because damn, for no reason is someone going to do these things to me these days. Interesting how one develops.
Where Has Alex Been: Part 1: in which I first announce that I’m planning on moving to South Dakota, dress as a slutty Pikachu and get shot in the ass with an airsoft gun on purpose.
Adventures: Part 1: in which I actually begin the process of moving to South Dakota, try wax play and needle play and have the worst skin I’ve ever had, my god, why was I allowed out of the house? Although not mentioned in the post, this was written when my brother first entered the hospital for the last time before passing away.
International AIDS Day: in which I come out to the public about the fact that my brother’s life had recently come to an end due to an opportunistic infection caused by AIDS.
Shit Spanko Girls Say: This was pretty funny.

Year 2:

Fetlife Comments Most People Don’t Enjoy: this was sort of a first draft of what would, over a year later, become pretty much the most popular thing I ever wrote.
Zeldagony: Part 2: This was my first post ever to be Chrossed. I felt like such a boss when this happened. The post itself is about how Malignus made me play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and punished me when I was not good at video games. Parts of this experience were actually super fun. Other parts of it were signs that our relationship was quickly spiraling to an extremely unhealthy place. I didn’t re-read this post so I don’t know how much of that can actually be picked up by reading it.
The Care and Keeping of a Frequently Spanked Bottom: I really need to write an updated version of this, as I have learned a lot of new things, but this is still a good guide and I think that I’m funny.
On Being Spanked to Tears: I explore what makes me cry and why. Another topic I should probably revisit sometime soon!
Happy Face: In which I finally got my driver’s license. I can’t believe it was that recently!
A Blog Post About Sex: In which my views on sex, kink and how they interact are entirely different than they are today.
First Party: Chapter 1: In which I went to my first overnight spanking gathering at a cabin. At the time I was very focused on having met a couple of people who became very close to me for a while and then ended up not staying in my life, but I also first met Joe and Ten there, who are some of the people in the scene who have remained (without fail) the most loving and supportive. I’m seriously thankful that I met them.
First Party: Final Chapter: In which I talk about the first scene that Joe and I had together and feel pretty confused about what those “positive feelings” I was having were!
The Struggle: In which I try to talk about entirely unreasonable expectations that my ex set for me as if they were reasonable, and in the comments section, Pandora Blake first suggests that this is actually unreasonable and I first start to consider this idea.
Shamrocks and Sjamboks: Where I got in trouble in a most hilarious way. Also included: videos of me and Heather Green (then Michaels) spanking each other and Malignus caning us.
Submission Topic: Polyamory and Submission: I try to take apart why it’s traditionally seen as acceptable for a Dom to have two subs but not the other away around, and I try to explain how serving two or more different people works.
Vacation: In Which I Meet Erica Scott: Exactly as it says on the tin (as Paul would say)! I went back to Los Angeles and met Erica Scott for the first time. It’s hard to imagine my life before she was a part of it, now. She means so much to me.
In and Out of Spankingland: Following my return from vacation, Malignus broke up with me for the first time. We then lived in a weird situation where all our relationships were “on hold” for a while, until he finally gave me a list of things I had to change about myself (which included some things fundamental to my personality and other things like the sounds that I make when drinking). Malignus always asked me not to post about anything negative involving our lives (a habit that has made it very hard for me to open up publicly, but I’ve been getting better at it over the past year) and so I did not announce that my life had basically fallen apart, but I did write this post. I went for three months without getting spanked during this time. None of this is really included in the post, but it’s important background.
Welcome to Sternwood Academy: In which we did one of the most fun shoots that ever happened, ever.
TASSP, TASSP Part Two and Other Things TASSP Part Three and TASSP: Final Part, : In which I go to my first national spanking party!
Out of the Bag: In which my mom found out what it is I do, and it didn’t go so well.
Drink Me: A post where I describe my distress at being tall and not petite. This is usually not an issue in my life anymore, I’m happy to say.
Crimson Moon: I attended my first Crimson Moon party.
Shadowlane Highlights: My first Shadowlane! Lots of adventures. Although not discussed directly in this post, I also met Paul for the first time this weekend. I did do a bunch of fangirling about my Northern Spanking shoot, but I didn’t straight up say “Then I met Paul Kennedy, on who I have had a crush since always” because no one announces their secret crushes to the internet. But I will never, ever forget that day.
My 100th Post: It took me A LOT LONGER to do the next 100.
A Real Vacation: I planned a cabin party in the woods and had many spanking related adventures there!
Obnoxious Comments Revisited: My second attempt at talking about how we should and shouldn’t comment on photos.
Happy Spanksgiving: Let’s all just remember that I’m the one who invented the concept and name “Thigh Turkey” (not Malignus, or anyone else! Harrumph! Give me credit! *foot stomp*)
Be Here, Now: A post I’m very proud of where I talk about focusing one’s mind on the moment.
Surprise and MOAR SURPRISES: When I secretly flew in three girls from places around the country to visit Malignus for his 30th birthday.

Year 3:

I’m a Winner: In which I won the Creative Blog of the Year Award. The Cane: Not Exactly a Love Story: I describe my (then) feelings towards the cane. Regarding Baring: Where I talk about why I love bare bottom spanking (although some of my feelings on this have evolved, too). The Adventure Continues: Roleplaying: At the first 50 Freaks, before it was called 50 Freaks. In this, I recount the story as to why the party got that name, and do other fun stuff. The Little Bitch Saga: Probably the most entertaining thing that has ever happened to me in the spanking world. A Rocky Start: In which my arrival to the UK was rather traumatic. Spanked in Uniform Shoot (and Day 2): In which I visit Holland and get lots of spankings! There’s a little part I love at the end of the second post where I talk about Paul picking me up at the airport and feeling a sudden sense of security and relief. I still feel that way every time I see him, whether I’m getting him from the airport after he’s been in England or I’m finding him in the grocery store after I wandered off to look at candy. Derbyshire Shoot Parts 1 and 2 and 3: In which I first meet my now longtime friend John Osborne, get spanked by Paul for the first time, learn about PE kit, get spanked by a teddy bear and everyone has a lot to drink. I would say I have very warm memories about this time, but it was fucking freezing there, so that language would not be appropriate. Shoot Report: Dreams of Spanking: My second DoS shoot involved a lot of fun and antics, plus serious spankings and my favorite ever photo of Pandora Blake’s cat. The Camden Pancake Incident, More Filming and Alex Buys too Much Stuff: Basically, this title does a good job of summing up my trip to England. I am very fond of the “Camden Pancake Incident” story. “The Awful Stuff” and Goodbyes: I talk about my fondness for more cruel scenes and then have to leave England to go back home. This Post Makes My Hands Hurt: Probably one of my favorite posts ever, I talk about my first hand tawsing experience.Size, Shape, Spanking: My attitude about my body shifts towards the positive.Real Spankings Shoot Three: Meeting Masterson: I meet and get spanked by one of my favorite tops for the first time!
Together: In which Paul visits me for the first time and I am the happiest little girl in all the lands.
Pornography Rant: One of my most serious and important posts. More of a manifesto than a rant.
Compatibility: On the nature of compatibility between spanking partners, and how lucky I am to have someone who fits me just right.
Turn and Face the Strange: In which I talk about the changes that had happened in my life, including the fact that Malignus and I had broken up pretty much as soon as I got back from England but I had a hard time talking about that on the blog, and I announce that I’m returning to Los Angeles.
Protocol: Accepting the Concept, Enjoying the Reality: My first Kink of the Week Post, and a damn good one!
A Very Long Walk: Another post I find super entertaining, in which I get in trouble for doing something silly.
KOTW: Punishment: The Real Kind: Where I describe the ins and out of what real punishment means to me.
KOTW: Punishment: The Fun Kind: Where I describe what play punishment is and why I love it.
Heavy Play: My Perspective: On why I no longer feel like I’m a hard player (warning, contains graphic images)
A New Project and Some Changes: About Kitchen Sink Spanking and my new(ish)ly found spanking sexuality.

Year 4:

How to Politely Comment on Kinky Photos: A Guide For the Genuinely Curious: After four years of attempting, I finally get out everything I want to say about this topic. Welcome Home: Paul comes back from England and everything is amazing.
Because You’re Mine: A loving Valentine’s Day scene.
Outdoor Adventures: The perks of being spanked in the woods.
A New Hairbrush: A sexy, F/F scene.
The Paddling Game: Why I couldn’t tell my vanilla BFF that I’m kinky.
Breaking Brushes: In which I break a hairbrush with my bottom at my first spanking of a party.
Every Day is a School Day: Discovering what, exactly, I like so much about school uniforms.

This post was a total clips show, but a good one I hope. AND I updated two days in a row. I deserve a cookie.

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Punishment in the Public Eye

Published October 10, 2014

In all my years (ok, all three years) of my spanking modeling career, there was one thing which I had never done: a video depicting a real life domestic discipline punishment from someone with whom I had that relationship.

That wording sounds a little specific, and it’s meant to be. Nearly all the videos that I do are discipline or punishment themed, but most are obviously roleplayed, creative scenarios. I’ve done a number of videos in which the thing that I’m being spanked for is something which I really did, but this mentally different than actually being punished for something. In order for a punishment to work, there must be two things in place. First of all, the person being punished must recognize the authority (even if temporary) of the person punishing them, and secondly, the person being punished must be sufficiently vulnerable to allow themselves to feel chastised. Most of the time, if a scenario is punitive, these two things aren’t in place.

Now, I specified that I had never done this with someone with whom I was in a real life relationship. I have done one video which was undeniably a real discipline video. It was between Robert Wolf (of Lily Starr Spanking) and myself years ago. Even though Robert and I don’t have a normal disciplinary relationship, I consider him to be an “off chart boss of me”: he’s one of the people whose authority I respect in general, and I’m quite likely to listen to what he says. We’re very close friends and we have a relationship based on mutual respect, so I have a lot of trust for him. In this particular situation, I was frustrated with myself, incredibly vulnerable and feeling the need to be punished, so all the key pieces were there. It was a super intense experience, but I only ever felt like it was the right situation to do this the one time. If you’re interested, you can get that clip here.

On the subject of Lily Starr and Robert Wolf, they got married the other day. They had a small but wonderful ceremony of mostly vanilla people, but Paul, Amoni and I attended, too, Amoni taking (let me just say gorgeous) photos for them. We had an awesome time, and it was a really special occasion. At one point during the reception, though, I got flustered by all the excitement and ended up saying something really rude to Paul. Since we were in vanilla company, he just gave me a look, but I knew entirely what it meant. I may be frequently naughty: making little bits of mischief, whining, stamping my foot and putting trash in Paul’s pocket when we’re out and I don’t have pockets of my own, but ultimately, I’m still very good. There’s a distinct difference between “fun trouble” and “real trouble.” I actually had never gotten in trouble for being disrespectful to Paul before. I DO respect him, and I want him to know that. I want to be polite and show him that I appreciate all the love and care that he gives me. I felt immediately distressed by my own behavior, but I put it away and got back to having fun (and soon, cake!) with my friends.

We got home fairly late that night and were all tired from a long day, so Paul told me that he would punish me the next day. We were also planning on filming clips for Kitchen Sink Spanking the next day, and as I went to bed I thought about what we were going to do for it. Kitchen Sink has always meant to be a representation of (if not our real lives) then our real personalities and styles of play. Sometimes the scenarios are goofy and cute and other times the scenes are severe enough to make me really cry and still others are sexy, but none of them had ever brushed on our actual punishment scenes. I came to the conclusion that this was something that I wanted to try doing. I’ve always felt like discipline was something very private. Sometimes, I don’t want to talk about my punishments explicitly online because I don’t want to share what I did wrong with everyone. In the past, when I was dating my ex, I felt like I couldn’t share my disciplinary scenes because “others wouldn’t understand” or they would be judgmental about the harshness involved (I partially felt that because my ex directly told me this, and partially because they actually were overly harsh and lacking in a certain kind of affection). But now that I’m with Paul, my feelings about this are very different. It’s “hard enough” and certainly very stern, but the whole proceeding is very loving. There’s something special about it. I decided that I felt ready to share this with the internet.

Interestingly enough, I didn’t get a chance to bring this up to Paul because he brought it up to me, and we talked about it briefly. One thing that I’ve always been afraid of when it comes to filming real punishments is that having a camera on would change the way that the actual punishment and aftercare would go, and after talking about it, I felt sure that it wouldn’t. We agreed that we would simply do things the way that we would if there wasn’t a camera. Since Amoni was here, we asked her if she would want to watch and be in the video and she agreed.

Paul set up the camera and left the room and Amoni and I sat on the bed, talking. This is the only part of the clip that seems a little bit contrived, because I knew that Paul was about to come in and punish me, and I think I probably look nervous, because I was. Soon, he came in and scolded me, inviting Amoni (or “Ami” because “Amoni” doesn’t really sound like a name) to watch: since I was rude in front of her, I could be punished in front of her. He was carrying the tawse. I’m sure I’ve talked about this before, but of all the reasonable implements in the world, this is the one that “gets to me” the most. I have long regarded it as being particularly scary, and because it’s an implement that I’ve primarily only had applied to me by Paul, it also carries a lot of emotional weight. And it really, really hurts. It’s heavy and horrible and biting. The design is so simple yet so effective and so unforgiving. I can hardly say the word “tawse” and I feel a little shiver just to type it now.

He directed me over pillows at the edge of the bed and lifted the skirt of my dress. I grabbed Amoni’s hand. Then he gave me the first stroke. I felt particularly vulnerable because I was being watched. However, I was more focused on the fact that Amoni was watching me than the camera, so it was probably a good idea that we had her there (I also really appreciated her hand holding). It only took three strokes to make me burst into real, genuine tears. Why? Because it hurt, for one thing, and the strokes were being applied without any warmup. More importantly, though, I felt horrible for my behavior and I knew just how badly I needed to be punished. I was very, very vulnerable. I felt small and young. I also felt a serious sense of security. There’s security that comes from knowing that if I mess something up, Paul isn’t going to get mad at me or ignore me or push me away. He’s going to punish me, hard, because he loves me, and he knows that I can and will do better than this. The whole thing makes me feel very cared for and safe. I can easily let go of my inhibitions and cry myself out, which is exactly what I did. If you watch the video, it might seem like my reactions are a little over the top. That’s just the way I am when I’m in this headspace. I feel everything strongly and I react the same. Besides, if I haven’t said so before, that horrible thing hurts like nothing else.

By the time we were finished, I was a sobbing mess. Paul sat down on the bed and scooped me up into his lap for cuddling and forgiveness. I continued to cry on his shoulder for quite a while as he assured me that everything was alright and that I was very loved. Honestly, this is the part that I’m happiest to be sharing. I think that the world needs more tenderness in it, especially the spanking world. While I might not feel entirely proud of the way I took the punishment (there’s a lot of wailing) I feel very proud to share this special moment created by my vulnerability and his love for me. Really, this is what Domestic Discipline is all about.

I feel very pleased with the final product of the film. It’s pretty much the most intimate thing that I’ve ever done on the internet, and I love how it shows the whole range of emotion that we go through when doing this.

And my marked butt. I enjoy this now that it’s over.

Will I do more videos like this in the future? Probably. It honestly felt good to be able to share this. It didn’t change the way things went in the least. There’s something wonderfully exhibitionistic about it.
I hope that you’ll consider checking it out if you’re interested. It’s now my favorite spanking video that I’ve ever made. You can see the clip here.

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KOTW: Every Day is a School Day!

Published September 29, 2014

It’s been a long time since I wrote a “Kink of the Week” post. KOTW, in case you don’t know, is run by the blog Kink and Poly. It’s an open discussion where everyone is invited to write about their personal experiences, opinions, thoughts and fantasies relating to a particular kink. I used to write KOTW posts all the time when I was a more active blogger. After I stopped being able to put as much time into writing, KOTW went on hiatus for a while, but now, it’s back! There was one topic before this one that I missed (just because I didn’t have a lot to say on it) but now, there’s a topic that suits me extremely well and I’m excited to write about: school uniforms.

School Uniforms are one of the things in the world that I fetishize the most. It can be an important part of a spanking scene or fantasy to me, but I also enjoy wearing them on their own. Like I sometimes do, I’ve created this visual aid to describe my feelings towards spanking and school uniforms:

As usual, I made this in about 45 seconds, so it isn’t exactly scientific.

I’ve created a venn diagram which shows my interest in spanking and my interest in school uniforms, and how they overlap. I’ve scaled the the two circles in order to properly show the way they relate. While scenes involving school uniforms take up a fairly big chunk of my spanking fantasies and play, they certainly aren’t taking up anywhere near all of it. However, the bigger piece of my school uniform related activities involve spanking. It’s also scaled down because it’s less of a significant kink for me, although it’s still one of the most important ones for me.

Besides being something that I enjoy playing with a lot, school uniforms have been on my mind for a long time. Although I almost feel like I was born with an innate interest in spanking, I wasn’t interested in school scenes at all until I got to be a little older. My original fantasies were all domestic. The kind of schools that would later become my fantasies didn’t exist for me yet. I went to a very relaxed public school, where none of my teachers were stern or serious and I could not imagine corporal punishment being used there. We did not wear uniforms. I don’t remember when I even became aware of school uniforms, or when I began to desire to have them. I do, however, know that when I was still in elementary school, I had obtained my first school uniform, which I sometimes wore like regular clothes despite it not being required at my school. It was a navy blue jumper (pinafore) with a pleated skirt and a white blouse underneath. I absolutely loved it, but it made me feel strangely like I was being naughty or inappropriate when wearing it. Wearing it lead to all sorts of complicated fantasies about being sent away to a very stern and serious school where spankings were given out regularly!

My interest in everything school related only got stronger as I aged, and I played complicated school pretends, set myself play-homework assignments and imagined strict punishments for any failings on my part! It was sometime during this period of my life when I discovered Roald Dahl’s autobiography, Boy. Within a few minutes of picking up the book I had learned about caning, and my fantasy world was forever changed. Once the English school fantasy was introduced to my mind, it took over like an invasive species. It was instantly at the top of my mental food chain. A large part of the fantasy for me involved the uniform, and the specifics of it. Unlike the short and suggestive skirts that I often prefer to wear nowadays, I fantasized about a very conservative uniform with lots of details: special socks and panties, shiny black mary jane shoes, a plaid skirt, a starched white shirt with every possible button buttoned, a tie, a blazer with a fancy, heavily embroidered insignia, a hat. A large part of the fantasy was the aspect of having multiple girls in matching outfits. It felt like we were unified and all on the same team. I think it also appealed to a desire for a sense of equality with my peers, as I was a strange, outcast girl who sat alone on the edge of the playground reading books. In my fantasies, I was equals with every other girl in my school and was often a ringleader in creating trouble, although sometimes I instead was the teacher’s pet.

As I became a teenager and then a college student, my interest in this only intensified. I now had the means to actually buy the things that I wanted, and I had discovered both internet spanking videos and spanking story sites: Mary Catherine Whitney’s St. Francis School For Girls story series had a huge impact on me. She seems to share a lot of my feelings about uniforms, and reading her descriptions made my mind wander in all kinds of wonderful ways. I also began to have privacy in my life, and I experimented with simply wearing as complete of a school uniform as I could find for myself. It was different than it was when I was a child. My feelings had become much more intense and I had grown increasingly shy and private about my spanking/school girl fantasies. Dressing in school girl clothes had started to feel far more taboo. I couldn’t “get away with it” anymore. And as I got older and the clothing I wanted to wear stayed the same, I began to notice a gap between the age I wanted to pretend to be when “playing school” and the age that I actually was. I took comfort in this slightly regressive play. It felt safe and somehow made the fantasy stronger.

Now that I’m actually playing on an extremely regular basis, and have been for years, school uniforms haven’t lost any of their significance. These sorts of scenes can create a lot of different emotions for me, depending on which aspect of the kink they focus on. Here are some of the things that I enjoy about this kind of play.

Formality: There’s a difference, in my mind, between a caning given to me when I’m wearing regular clothing and one given when I’m in a school uniform. The second seems more formal, and in my mind it becomes inherently more severe. It’s also hotter. I find the feeling of formality and even austerity that comes into play in most of my school roleplay scenes exciting and yes, erotic. When someone is being cold and harsh with me, especially when he or she is also dressed formally, it makes my knees shake. These formal school scenes are the core of my school fantasy, and they’re made even better when I’m playing with someone like Paul who has excellent technique as a Top. It’s clean, calm and precise, but oh so painful. Call me by my last name. Touch me as little as possible to do what you have to do. Send me away when you’ve finished. Yes.

Vulnerability: Depending on my character or the intended age of my uniform, playing this way can make me feel much more vulnerable than the average scene. This is the age play aspect: when I’m dressed this way, I’m just a helpless young girl. My misbehavior might be small, my punishment might not even be that severe, but it’s a very big deal. I find myself reacting more to spankings when I’m in this headspace, crying easily and apologizing profusely. Sometimes, my vulnerable feeling can be met with the formal attitude, making both of them feel ten times stronger, but other times, in this mood, I want to be punished by someone who has more tender, personal feelings for me. This tends to lend itself well to roleplays where I’ve been sent home from school for something and I’m being punished at home (although still dressed for school) by a guardian figure.

Sexuality: I cannot lie: I find school uniforms sexy. I especially find other girls in school uniforms sexy. Especially if we’re wearing the same uniform. It makes me feel like we’re teenagers, and that we’re exploring our sexualities together. That which is meant to be common place is suddenly extremely erotic. I can’t keep my hands away from her white, cotton panties under her school skirt, and she has her hand slipped in between the buttons of my blouse… Oh my, I could go on. I have a particular fetish for sheds. I know this is weird. I like the idea of hiding out behind a building in an institutional setting, being someplace where we aren’t meant to be and having sexy things happen. Of course, we’re likely to get caught and severely punished for this sort of behavior, and that only adds to the excitement.Taboo: Sometimes, I want to do a school scene which is incredibly dark. I don’t want someone to be formal with me: I want them to be harsh with me. I want them to be cruel to me. I want to be shoved around and man handled. I don’t want to be spanked, I don’t want to be punished: I want to be beaten. I want my uniform stripped off me: if pulling my shirt makes the buttons come off, then I don’t care, I’ll sew them back later, maybe still in character, sitting alone and sniffling. I want this to happen to me for no reason at all, for me to be entirely innocent and not deserving of these horrible things. I often want these scenes to include sexual consensual non consent. It’s dark and awful, but I love it. I take delight in it. It makes me incredibly aroused. Part of this probably developed because a lot of things that used to feel taboo to me just don’t anymore. I can talk about spanking openly in the grocery store and not blush (getting a swat, however, still makes me horribly embarrassed, but that’s a different story). Darker stories like this give me that same sort of rush. Also, I only like to play this way with someone that I love and trust (so, pretty much, I only play this way with Paul, although there are a couple other people who I would play this way with). I’ve mentioned it before: there’s something really hot to me about pretending to dislike someone you actually adore in a scene. It let’s you become someone totally different, and let’s us do things we normally wouldn’t do.

I *was* wearing a uniform in this scene, before it was stripped off me.

Naughtiness and fun: When school roleplays involve other girls, they often end up being incredibly wild and wacky. We play off each other. We get into mischief. We pass notes. We make faces behind the teacher’s back. We do explicit hand gestures. It’s fun. I’ve spent so much of my kink life trying to be a good girl, and it’s a blast to entirely abandon any semblance of that and just soak up the enjoyment of being a bad little girl. My beloved friend, Bad Alex brings this out in me more than anyone else. Put us together and get us in uniforms and suddenly we’re whispering very rude things, or making “field trips” to the liquor store!

When I sent this photo to Paul, his response was “Was this taken by a Policeman?!”

Camaraderie: It doesn’t matter how they all feel about each other or whose fault it was: when a group of girls is all in trouble, there’s a sense of camaraderie that can’t be denied. I *love* big, mutli-girl school scenes because of this. Like I mentioned before, once we’re in uniforms, we’re all peers. We’re all the same. It’s a unified group. And when one of us is in trouble, or worse, when all of us are, we feel for the other girls. In these sorts of scenes, I get to experience the emotional ride of getting in trouble and being punished over and over again as I live vicariously through my peers. We get to comfort one and other, holding hands while taking our discipline, maybe, or just sending empathetic glances. You know that your friends know how you feel.

Christy Cutie, Cali Katerina, Ela Darling, Maddy Marks, me, Heather Green, Cheyenne Jewel: we’re all really feeling for each other at this moment!

Exhibitionism: I mentioned earlier that not all of my school uniform play is spanking play. Sometimes, I like to go out in public dressed in my school uniform. That’s the entirety of the scene: going to Target or a diner (or a liquor store) while dressed up like a school girl. It gives me a huge, exhibitionist rush. I wonder if people can tell that I’m an adult or not. I wonder how they feel about me. I wonder what they think I’m doing. I feel embarrassed, but also exhilarated. During our first vacation together, when we first started dating, Paul had me wear my full school uniform to breakfast at a restaurant with him. I lingered in the car for a moment before getting out, and hoped I wasn’t blushing too much as I walked in. The gusty wind that kept blowing my school skirt up didn’t help me to feel any better. I felt incredibly excited by the whole thing, though, and couldn’t stop squirming in my seat!

I’ll have to make a second post later describing all the kinds of uniforms that I like: fancy ones, plain ones, jumpers, skirts, summer dresses, PE kit, school shoes, school bags, notebooks, bows, insignias and much, much more. American ones, English ones, Japanese ones. You got to see a good sampling of them here, though, and there will surely be more to come!I hope you guys enjoyed this KOTW post. You can check out all the posts on the subject here:
Want to read my other KOTW posts? Check these ones out:
Punishment: The Real Kind
Punishment: The Fun Kind
Experiments with Bastinado
Protocol: Accepting the Concept, Enjoying the Reality
Understanding TicklingWelcome back KOTW! There will be many more in my future. 🙂

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Alex

Los Angeles, California, United States

First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

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