The frequency with which I post to this blog has changed drastically in the past year.
I miss it. I miss sharing with people. I miss connecting with people. I miss having a place to organize my thoughts.
But it’s become extremely hard for me.
Part of it is time. When I lived in South Dakota, my days were filled with nothingness, and I looked for things to fill them with. Now, I’m usually busy. I work a lot, and I spend a lot of time doing “behind the scenes” type work. Furthermore, for the first time in years, I have an active, vibrant local social life. With Paul in England until mid-August, I tend to keep myself busy with lots of socializing when I have downtime. This means that many nights, I come home and go directly to bed, without having a chance to sit down and blog. I’m a slow writer. I have a short attention span and I’m very fussy about making sure that I get things the way that I want them before publishing something to the internet, so blogging is time consuming for me.
There’s another big issue, one which is difficult for me to talk about. Probably 80% of the archive of this blog is about my relationship with Malignus. I don’t like to be negative, and I’m private about the things in my life which are so. Therefore, I only wrote about the positive aspects of my relationship with him. There were many positive things there. During that relationship, I learned, grew and discovered things. We had lots of intense and wonderful scenes. The things which I wrote about were true. They were real experiences, real emotions, real understandings which I reached. There were also parts of it which happened out of the public eye which were extremely negative. Ultimately, the sum of my relationship with Malignus was destructive towards me and my emotional wellbeing. Because of this, it feels weird to sit and write in the same place but have such drastically different feelings. I need to make this clear before I can really relax into my blog again. The things I wrote about Malignus were true. I loved him. We had amazing scenes. He took me to places that I never thought I’d go. He also did things that were bad to me, and I do not condone his behavior, support him or encourage others to be involved with him. I know that the time in my life when Malignus and I broke up was poorly documented and that the transition from what was going on then to what’s going on now was clunky. That’s how it had to be, though.
The final reason is because my computer is ancient. I got it seven years ago. It’s been an amazing machine. It visited six countries with me, and was probably on at least a hundred flights total. It’s been assaulted by cats, covered in stickers and drizzled with tears. It’s seen WAY more pornography than is probably recommended. Now, it’s pretty crippled. The battery doesn’t work, so I can only use it while plugged into the wall. The power cable doesn’t connect too well anymore, though, so a quick movement or the nuzzle of a cat can unplug it and instantly make me lose everything I was doing. The wireless card no longer works, so I’m also tethered to an ethernet cable, reminding me of life back in 2005. The disc drive doesn’t work anymore. The keyboard is missing so many keys that I have to use an external keyboard and sit this on top of the one which is built in. It overheats frequently. The hardware is too old to accept anymore software updates, which means that I don’t even know how to use the most recent versions of Mac OS. The past year has been expensive: there was a time when I was going to get a new laptop last year, but I ended up spending that money to move to Los Angeles (which was definitely the right thing to do). Since then, I haven’t been able to save much. My computer is still working, though, which is a very good thing, but because it’s become such a hassle to use, I’m less likely to want to spend more time on it than I have to.
Despite all this, I really do miss blogging. For a long time, I’ve wanted to get motivated to get back to it. Recently, I met someone for the first time at a spanking event and he said “I didn’t realize you were actually into spanking.”
I found this really upsetting. I know that not everyone is going to read my blog (obviously) but I miss having that line of communication with the spanking community. I’m looking forward to having it back.
I’m not going to make any promises about an update schedule or anything like that, but I am really going to try.
Because I miss you guys. ♥