So, the first month of the year is very nearly over.
First, let’s have some news and updates from my spanking universe.
Basic stuff first:
I’ve been trying to revitalize my spanking news blog, Spanking Wishes, and I am currently posting something on it literally every day. Please go check it out, and give the corresponding twitter account a follow: @spankingwishes.
I’m active on Fetlife in short bursts, but will be trying to spend more time on the site. I accept all friend requests there, so please feel free to send me one. I also still have a kinky Facebook page, but I’m on that even less frequently. While I have a lot of awesome friends that I primarily communicate with through that site, I also get a ton of sexual harassment over it. I get guys sending me pictures of their genitals on that site far more frequently than on any other. I get called a bitch for not wanting to spend lots of time chatting to total strangers about sex for free. I get people demanding that I give them videos for free because “we’re friends now since you added me on facebook!”
I quickly run out of steam for dealing with this stuff. So, I’ll keep trying, mostly because the spanking romance author community is primarily on facebook and I do want to get more involved in that again, but it’s a struggle for me. If you want to send me a friend request, feel free: just be aware that while I do not post photos that include nudity (including bare bottom photos) on facebook, I post explicitly about spanking pretty much all the time and post links to NSFW material.
The Spanking Awards are going on now, which is always an exciting time!
So far, voting has been opened up in 4 categories.
The first one is Best New Spankee. There were so many new spankees this year that were really amazing, and I’ll be giving a shoutout to a handful of them in a post over Spanking Wishes in the next couple of days (since that’s less about me and more about videos), but the selection in the voting is also awesome. I’m happy to see a bunch of my friends included! I’m particularly proud to see three performers who did their first ever spanking shoots with Paul and I for Northern Spanking in the voting. They’re also three of my favorite girls in general, since I’ve been lucky enough to build close friendships with a lot of the performers that we work with.
So, I’m proud of you guys: Ava Nicole, Linny Lace and Nuna Starks! All three girls deserves awards for being adorable, hard working and taking lots of hard spankings. I love you guys! Plus, a big shout out to my friends Tai and Kenzie, who I haven’t gotten a chance to shoot yet, but really look forward to the day that I do! You girls all kick ass. So, go vote for one of these amazing ladies.
The next is Best New Top, which is a new category this year. I think I may have suggested this at some point, but I don’t know if I actually did or if I just thought about it. But either way, I’m glad that John added this category! Tops don’t get as much love in the spanking video world, to be honest, but we literally couldn’t make videos without them (or, we could just make self spanking, which would get boring really quickly). Plus, after having spent a lot of time on both sides of the the paddle in videos, I feel like it’s more important that a Top does an excellent job than almost any other person involved in video production. You have to be physically accurate and you need to be able to carry yourself with authority and have believable scolding going on. So, yes, love to Tops. Tops everywhere.
In this category, one of my favorite “new” Tops is up for voting: Princess Kelley May! I say “new” as Kelley has a ton of experience as a Top and had done a little bit of it on camera before her return to the screen, but she definitely made a splash when she came back after having been away for a long time. Plus, her shoot for Northern was her first time shooting for a membership site.
Anyway, Kelley is an absolutely great Top. I love the way she scolds and I love the way that she spanks. Besides, she’s totally gorgeous and always has PERFECT HAIR. I’ve been trying to get her to teach me her secrets for years but I think I’m just not destined to have perfect hair.
The other lady I adore in this category is my girl Adriana Evans. As I mentioned in my previous post, Adriana and I have become very close in the past year or so. I love her so much and miss her all the time!
Adriana is also a great Top. I love being spanked by her, although our spanking play often ends up taking a somewhat different direction due to the nature of our relationship… 😉
The next category is Best Facial Expression. I’ve come in the ranking for this before, but I’ve never won it and I would really love it if you would vote for me and make that happen! Think of all the times that I’ve had my face covered with tears and I’ve looked truly pitiful during a spanking. Think of how much eye cream I have to use because I’m always scrunching my face up in pain and agony and I don’t want to get fine lines out of control. Think of the fact that I’ve literally popped my jaw out of alignment because I was biting a pillow too hard when screaming and wailing. (The photo above is a screenshot from Spanking Blogg’s listing about me. You can’t actually click the links. I tried. It’s my own post. Siiiiiigh)
My campaign promises are more hard spankings producing more pathetic sad faces from me. I guarantee it.
The most recently opened category is Best Male Top. My most beloved, very favorite Top on Earth is up for voting in this category. Surprise, it’s Paul!
Honestly, Paul deserves an award just for putting up with my massive amounts of nonsense on a daily basis. But he also does an absolutely fabulous job in videos. He gives hard spankings, he gives perfect canings, and he doesn’t have a gross ego about it. He’s just the best. You should vote for him. :3
So, that’s where we are so far with the Spanking Awards. Remember that you can vote once per device, so if you use the internet from your laptop, desktop, iPad and phone… then you can vote four time. Juuuuuuust saaaaying!
I’m going to start a second post that tells you about what else I’ve been up to this month, but I’ll finish this one with some upcoming news.
I’m going to be on the road a lot coming up!
I’m heading to the UK in the start of February. I’m sorry to tell you guys that this time, I am NOT going to be available for shoots and sessions while I’m abroad. I’m only actually going to be over there for six days, and it is my plan to spend as much of that time as possible just hanging out with my friends and having a much needed kick back.
That said, for those of you who want to do sessions with me in London or elsewhere in the UK, I’ll be over for an extended period of time in August. Make a preliminary mark on your calendars, and feel free to shoot me an email and inquire about details whenever it suits you. I’ll be available to both give and get hard spankings, plus I’ll likely be able to do 2-2-1’s with some of my lovely British friends, as well. But that’s a long way off. I just want to make sure you guys know that my choice not to work while I’m over this time isn’t a permanent change. I just kinda need a holiday. It’s going to be the best.
Later in February, I’ll be heading to Palm Springs for some fun and adventures. (I’m fully booked for my time there, but if enough people are interested in seeing me in that direction I could certainly come out again later one). I’ve never been there so there’s a lot of fun stuff I’m looking forward to seeing.
Then, near the end of the month, I’m heading to Vegas. I *am* taking bookings for both shoots and sessions while I’m there, so feel free to shoot me an email about that: firstname.lastname@example.org . I am going to see a bunch of friends and have an awesome time while I’m there and I’m just so excited.
And after that, I’m heading to Denver to get to see my dear and darling Amoni. Hopefully I can get her to photograph me again! And what’s a trip to Denver without a visit to one favorite spanking sites that I don’t run? I’ll be getting a bunch of spankings for Real Spankings and Real Spankings Institute while I’m there! If anyone would be interested in seeing me for sessions in that area, please let me know ASAP! I’d love to be able to get together with you during that visit. Email address is above.
So, that’s the basic news. Watch this space for more detailed information about what my life was like in January, coming soon!
Hi everyone! Remember me?
I feel terrible that I haven’t updated my blog in a long time. It’s been far longer than I’ve ever let it go before. I’ve obviously remained active on social media, posting to my tumblr and Twitter accounts regularly with mini updates about my life. But it’s been a long time since I’ve written anything here.
It started out where every day I’d think “Oh man, I never updated my blog!” and then I started adding “Blog post” to my weekly to-do list instead of my daily one. Then, it got to a point where I wasn’t even bothering to add it to the list anymore: I knew I wasn’t going to get around to it.
I’ve been very busy recently, and I’ve had an unfortunate series of issues with my health. At one point, I was convinced that it was something really serious, and I was quite worried about it, to say the least. I’m happy to say that after a long series of non-sexy doctor’s visits and tests, I’ve been able to get things pretty much straightened out and I’m no longer feeling badly or worrying about that.
During that time, I got behind on a lot of projects and stuff, and I’m now working to get myself totally caught up. I still have a few things to do, but it’s a relief to be at least close to the feeling of being on top of things.
Meanwhile, my creative juices have been flowing a lot recently (side note: that’s the dirtiest sentence ever, when you think about where most of my creativity comes from) but I’ve been primarily funneling them into Northern Spanking. I’ve been writing lots of the scenes that we’ve been shooting, and we’ve been shooting a lot recently.
Throughout all this, my poor little blog has been sitting off in the corner, getting no love from me. It’s hard: once I let something go a while, then I just start feeling so guilty about the fact that I haven’t been doing it and that makes me want to avoid it and it’s just a vicious cycle.
But, it’s time to break that cycle and start sharing with you guys again. So, here are a few fast facts:
-For those of you who don’t know, Paul and I got engaged in January when I was visiting him in England. REALLY exciting stuff! I’m just over the moon happy about it. I love him so much, and getting married to him is a dream come true. *heart eyes*
Nothing is going to change in terms of any of my other relationships or my work life when I get married. I’ll still shoot, I’ll still do sessions, I’ll still play with other people, I’ll still have relationships with other people. A huge part of the reason that Paul and I work so well together is because he supports the things that make me happy. I’m just going to have a supportive husband instead of a supportive partner. I’ll probably just be brighter and bubblier all the time.
So, that’s the biggest news! Paul was in England for literally five months this time, so the fact that he’s back now is also pretty big news to me. He got home in April, so he’s been home for a little over a month. I’m getting used to having him back, and it’s been really good to get to spend time together. Our cats are happy about it, too. They really missed him. I’m not even making that up. They love him more than they love me, I think.
There will be posts about other stuff that’s happened since I last posted…last year coming up soon (probably). But tomorrow Paul and I are shooting with Ami Mercury. In case you aren’t familiar with her, Ami is an East Coast based spanking model who shoots primarily with Punished Brats. We’ve got some fun scenes planned for the day. I’ve never had the chance to meet Ami before, so I’m looking forward to that. She’s going to be in town for Domcon, which starts this weekend.
Alas, I won’t be able to attend Domcon this year, as it’s the same weekend as the Lone Star Spanking Party in Houston, which Paul and I will be taking off for on Wednesday. I have a busy calendar while I’m there, but if you’re a Houston based spanko or you’re going to be at the party and you’re interested in having a session with me, shoot me an email sooner rather than later, while there still is a bit of room left on the calendar.
A highlight of this upcoming weekend is the fact that Paul and I are sharing a room with Adrianna Evans and Ally Cakes. Adrianna and Ally have become really close friends of mine recently, but we actually haven’t hung out in the same place since the first time that I met Ally at Adrianna’s house over a year ago.
I’m sure that there won’t be ANY mischief in our room with the three of us in one place, right? Actually, I’m just hoping that Paul can handle the three of us.
I’m looking forward to seeing lots of other friends, doing a bunch of shooting (wearing both my producer hat and my modeling hat) and playing with lots of lovely people.
For a long time, I was struggling with a low tolerance. It sort of came out of nowhere and became a really big problem for me. It was becoming almost laughable how little I could take. But this will be my first party since I’ve pretty much regained that. The only thing that I’ve noticed is that while my tolerance during a spanking is the same as it once was (although I’ll probably never have the same tolerance that I used to have at the very height of my hard play days, since I think that about 75 percent of the nerves in my butt were just temporarily destroyed or something) the pain seems to linger around longer, which I can’t say I mind. There’s something very satisfying about going to bed sore and waking up sore the next morning. My point with this is that it will be nice to be at a party where I can actually play outside of pre-arranged engagements more than just a little bit without feeling totally worn out, although I guess I do still have to pace myself a bit.
I also have to pack tomorrow night after the shoot. I have some super cute stuff for this party (the themes include “soda shop” and “1950’s prom” and I am very well prepared for both of these) and I just need to get it all together. But I just hate packing so much. You’d think that a person who travels as much as I do would be good at packing and unpacking. But you’d be lying to yourself, because I’m still terrible at it.
Anyway, there you have it. A blog post! It’s kind of all over the place, but at least it exists.
I’ll be straight forward about this: it gets harder for me to want to update my blog as opposed to other forms of social media because I often feel like I get way less feedback and interaction here for way more effort. I feel like a big loser saying “please leave comments” but an occasional note to let me know that the people who read this blog aren’t all spam robots would not be unappreciated. 😉
It’s good to be back, guys!
It’s been a long time since I’ve updated my blog. I miss you all!
Things have been busy over here, recently. Honestly, I don’t really know where the time goes. The time since my last post seems like a blur. It’s only by looking back at my calendar and the pictures that I took that I can remind myself of as much that happened as possible.
Shortly after the release of The Sheriff’s Little Girl, in the end of September, I headed out of town for a few days. I was doing an extended session with someone who is also a great friend, so it’s a lovely way to spend some time. The day after I got back, I got together with a new friend. She had emailed me after reading my blog and lived not far from me, so we met up and hung out. We went to the mall together and walked around, chatting about video games, cats, and of course, spanking. It was a really fun afternoon, and it was great to make a new connection through This Thing We Do.
That night, Paul and I had some much needed play time:
The next day, Paul and I drove down to Orange County so that he could pick up the car that he bought. Paul loves cars, and he spent a long time deliberating about what sort to get here in America. I’m quite pleased with the one that he chose: I think it suits him quite well!
I haven’t had a chance to get spanked in or over it yet, but I’m looking forward to it.
That night, we met up with Spankcake in order to help Erica Scott’s partner, John, surprise her for her birthday. We went to an amazing Japanese restaurant in the Hollywood Hills with an awesome view. We had champagne and Spankcake and I shared sushi (as usual for us!). Most importantly, we got to celebrate Erica, who we love so much. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the night, since this post is basically a clips show of the past six weeks, but you can read Erica’s account of it here. I will say that it was a truly amazing night, and some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. John’s love and affection for Erica and his pleasure at seeing her so happy is something that always makes me smile when I recall it.
The next day we had the adorable Linny Lace over for a shoot! In case you aren’t familiar with Linny, she’s a pretty new spanking model based in Los Angeles. She did her first spanking shoot with Paul and I for Northern last spring. She’s super cute and very sweet, and I was happy to have her back for another shoot. If you use tumblr, you can follow her there.
This day, we were experimenting with producing content for someone else: they had seen me posting about custom videos available and had emailed me asking if I would film content for their site. We gave it a go. The plan was to shoot half the day for this other site and half the day for NS. It wound up being a *very* long day, but Linny was such a trooper. Because we had commitments to the other site, we only ended up being able to do one video for us, but it was a very fun one: our Halloween special.
This film was all my idea. Paul isn’t particularly enthusiastic about Halloween, but I definitely am. It’s one of my favorite holidays because I love dressing up. I kind of miss being young enough to be able to go door to door trick-or-treating, to be perfectly honest. So, I wrote a video about Linny and I having done that. In it, we’re American girls living in England, where the trick-or-treating is not so strong (and you get people like Paul and John Osborne being grumps about Halloween). I imagined that we’d want to participate in some of the mischief night aspects of the holiday and that our neighbors, and the local authorities, would not be so keen on that idea.
The video started with us sitting on the rug and sorting out our candy from our very full treat bags. This was a very thinly veiled excuse for us to have to buy two treat bags worth of Halloween candy, I’ll admit it, but it was all in the name of verisimilitude! Paul, our guardian, then interrupted us, having just gotten off the phone with the police about our criminal mischief involving egging houses and wrapping trees in toilet paper (admittedly, that’s a worse offense in the UK than in Southern California when you think about how rain works). Of course, we had to be severely punished, and we were both spanked and then caned.
We got to wear Halloween costumes in this, of course: Linny brought a really amazing Red Riding Hood costume that she made herself, and I wore my Hello Kitty costume from last year:
The next few days were full of sessions, working on my current Work in Progress, admin stuff and my butt wearing these shorts:
Shooting for two sites in one day is long, but we got a lot of good stuff done! The scenes that we did for KSS probably won’t be released for a while, but you can see a couple pictures anyway:
And here are a couple from Good Spanking (these videos are currently live on the site):
Do you like my bunny slippers? I’m kind of in love with them. They were a gift from someone awesome off my Amazon Wishlist. I kinda wish I could wear them every day.
We took that Sunday off, but on Monday, it was time to shoot again! This time, we shot with Cupcake SinClair. I had never met Cupcake, but I realized as soon as I met her that she was seriously sweet: the name suits! She’s so spunky and full of energy, and she was such a pleasure to work with. We’re definitely going to have her back for a longer shoot in the future. We did scenes for both Northern Spanking and for her site (linked earlier in this paragraph). It’ll be a little while before we get to introduce her on the site, but I’m excited for it, because the videos we did are totally great.
We had a lot of behind the scenes fun and giggles:
And here’s a picture of Paul and I being cute together off camera:
I had probably too much fun spanking her. This girl has a serious tolerance, so I got to use my meanest hairbrush, the one I try to avoid getting spanked with as much as possible!
The day after that, we drove down to Orange County to meet up with one of the ladies I’ve been friends with in the spanking community for the longest: Lily Starr. She was in town to do sessions, and I jumped at the chance to do a shoot with her! We did scenes for Lily Starr Spanking, Northern Spanking and Kitchen Sink Spanking.
One of the scenes that we did for Lily’s site was particularly fun: we got to wear Halloween costumes again! I had hoped that we could both dress up as slutty bears, as I had ordered stuff for a slutty polar bear costume to wear later in the month and Lily had a slutty panda outfit. However, the postal service failed me and my box arrived a day too late. Fortunately, Lily had some cute slutty Disney girl outfits that we wore instead.
In the scene, Lily was my friend (very much like in real life, in fact) and we had a Halloween party at my house. We spiked the punch and things got a bit out of control. Except we were playing as teens, so it was quite a big deal, and Paul (who played my dad) was super not thrilled to have a house full of drunken teenagers. I knew I was in for a spanking, but I didn’t know he was also going to punish my friend. We both got it very hard, too.
This film is special because it’s actually the first time that Lily and I have ever been spanked together on camera, despite having been filming together since 2011. We finally got to fix that!
We also did a really cute scene where Lily was my strict Aunt, who punished me for disobedience and bad language (and I got to wear my bunny slippers again):
And we did some cute scenes for Northern with Lily getting spanked by Paul. I love watching her get spanked because she has such sweet and genuine reactions.
That night, when we were finished shooting, we took some much needed alone time and snuck off to Disneyland, since we were pretty close by. We got dinner, watched the fireworks and went on a few rides. It was something we so needed! Even though we work together, it gets stressful to not get to also spend some down time together, and it was the refreshment that I needed, since there was a lot more busyness coming right up.
Despite my best efforts at brevity, I’m not going to be able to fit everything that’s happened into one post like I originally planned. Hopefully it won’t be another six weeks before I post again!
Before I go for the night, I have a couple things to add:
First, if you have a tumblr blog and you want to share the pictures featured in this post, that’s cool. Here’s what you need to do if you’re going to do that:
1) Put www.alexinspankingland.com as the source on the picture.
2) Not use them to advertise for something else, claim them as your own work/pictures of you or add a fictional story in which you rename me or make up a background for the picture (I’m sharing my life with you and don’t feel comfortable with it being used for these things, so please respect that).
3) Ideally, tag me @alexinspankingland so I can reblog your post. 🙂
The other thing:
Big thank you to the three people who left me blog comments while I was away, and to everyone who kept visiting this blog, keeping the traffic surprisingly high for a place that wasn’t being updated. I really appreciate you guys. I would *love* to get comments more often, even just saying hi. Engaging back and forth is so much more fun than just rambling about myself into a void. 🙂 Part of the reason that I use tumblr more often these days is because I get so much feedback and participation from people (admittedly some of it is totally dick, but most is great). I guess the real reason is because it takes a few minutes to add a post there where as this one took me almost two hours and hours are pretty hard to come by these days. But the fact that I get to interact with people there is really rewarding.
I had a lot of downtime from blogging here, and I missed a lot of things that happened in my life. For now, though, I’m just going to pick back up with writing about what most recently happened. And that was today.
I’ve talked before about the difference between play punishment and real punishment. Play punishment is a big part of my daily life with Paul, where real punishment happens fairly rarely. Although I enjoy being naughty when it’s just-for-fun, being good and obedient in “real life” is important to me.
I don’t wear shoes in the house most of the time. This is primarily because I have a lot of pain in one of my knees and so I have to keep it straight if I’m sitting for long periods of time, such as when I’m working or writing, or watching TV, or playing video games… so a lot of the time. This leads to me usually sitting with my feet up on the couch or working from my bed with my laptop on my lap, like I’m doing right now. So, no shoes.
The first time that Paul went back to England after he had been here, I set up an outdoor sitting area for him as a surprise. We don’t have much of a yard, since our house is still in a semi-urban area, but underneath the camphor tree in our yard, I put a couple of chairs, a chiminea and a small table. Paul spends a lot of time sitting out here when he’s taking breaks from work. He sits in one of the chairs there and reads: Paul reads more than anyone else that I know, which is something that I really like about him.
So, when I want to find Paul to ask him something, or just to climb onto his lap for cuddling, I first check in his office. If he’s not there, he’s almost always in the yard. The problem is that when I want to go out into the yard to talk to him, I often don’t bother to put shoes on before I do this.
At first, I thought that the reason that Paul kept scolding me about this was because I then tracked a lot of leaves and things into the house on my feet, but this didn’t really matter that much, I didn’t think, seeing as Paul wears shoes in the house and we have really fuzzy cats, so the floors are almost always in need of sweeping up anyway. Admittedly, I really didn’t take being scolded when I didn’t wear shoes in the yard very seriously at first.
One day, though, I went out to talk to him and noticed that there were a lot of bees in the yard. In fact, I very nearly stepped on one while barefoot. This is a big problem, since I’m seriously allergic to bees. After that happened, Paul started being very serious about the “wear shoes when going outside” rule.
The problem is, I keep forgetting about it. I had made such a habit of just running out without bothering with shoes. Because I get to the backyard through the back door, which is located in the kitchen, there isn’t any room for me to just leave shoes by the door. I have to actually go find my shoes and put them on. Ugh. My life is so hard. 😛
Despite getting (not so severely) spanked for not wearing shoes in the yard several times in the past, I forgot about it again today. Paul was in the yard reading, and I had just finished watching the most recent video for Northern Spanking. At least half the time now, I make up the names for videos. I watch them once the editing is done, then I make a list of ideas and ask Paul which ones he thinks are the best. This time, I had pretty much decided which one was the best one, and I felt enthusiastic about zipping out the yard to let him know.
Of course, I did this without shoes on.
After I told Paul what I had decided on, and he agreed with me that it was good, I curled up in his lap to snuggle for a little bit. It was sunny and bright out, and I felt very content.
“How’s your tummy feeling?” he asked me, stroking my hair.
I had eaten a sandwich which was questionably not good earlier in the day and had been feeling a bit queasy. I told him that I still didn’t feel 100% right.
“Tell me when you do,” he told me, his voice sounding stern and serious. “I’m going to punish you for not wearing shoes in the yard.”
“Well, I’m never going to feel better,” I moped, trying to curl my toes up as if that would somehow make it less noticeable that I was barefoot. We both knew that wasn’t true, of course.
Soon, I was feeling pretty okay, and I went to the gym. This is a new thing: while I had previously only worked out at home, I’ve been actually going to the gym and following a routine there now. It’s kind of intimidating to me, because I don’t know what I’m doing with half the stuff there, but it’s really rewarding to see myself getting stronger and fitter.
I came home and took a shower, then got dressed again and found Paul in his office. It was time for more cuddling, of course. I seriously spend a pretty decent percentage of my days snuggled up to him when I can. I have to save up for later. 😉
“Are you feeling better now?” he asked. I nodded hesitantly: I couldn’t lie. “Go to your room,” he told me. Paul has a specific tone of voice that he only uses when I’m in real, actual trouble. It’s very tender and gentle, but extremely authoritative. The sound of that tone touches at the core of what D/s is about to me, and I would never disobey him when he talked to me that way.
I sat on the edge of the bed for a few moments, waiting for him. It seemed like a very long time to me, but I knew that realistically, it wasn’t long at all.
Then he came into the room. He wasn’t carrying anything with him, which didn’t necessarily mean that I wasn’t going to get punished with an implement: there were several in the room already.
“Stand up, Alex,” he instructed.
I stood up next to him, looking up at his face.
“I’ve punished you for this before, haven’t I?” he asked.
I nodded sadly, not wanting to admit that I hadn’t really taken those minor punishments to heart before.
“Like almost all your rules, this is to preserve your safety and well being,” he lectured, reminding me about the fact that I could get stung by a bee or step on something sharp outside.
I felt guilty and I felt a little embarrassed. In my previous D/s relationship, I used to get punished for things that, primarily, annoyed or caused inconvenience to my ex. These things didn’t make me feel the same way. I felt like I was in trouble, then, and it felt real, but it lacked the feeling of being nurtured and taken care of. The fact that my rules exist because Paul cares about me and wants to protect me makes me feel particularly bad when I break them.
Paul sat down and pulled me over his lap, lifting the skirt of my dress to expose my bottom. Then he began to spank me with his hand. Each swat was particularly hard and forceful, much more than it would be if we were just playing. They stung and bit, and I found myself struggling over his lap a little bit: I was still slightly sore from the spankings I had received the two previous days.
Paul grabbed my hand and held it behind my back. He wasn’t pinning my wrist in place, just holding my hand there. It made me feel like I was very much under his control, but it was still an affectionate gesture. It calmed me, and I lay still, taking the spanking fairly quietly. It got to a point where I was sufficiently warmed that each hard swat didn’t hurt so much anymore, and things were almost becoming nice.
It was then that Paul stopped and instructed me to get up and to take off my dress. I did as I was told, folding my dress and setting it on the dresser behind me as Paul grabbed four pillows and put them in a tall stack on the middle of the bed.
“Over the pillows, bottom uppermost,” he instructed.
This is a very normal instruction for us. I like being in this position, with my bottom higher than the rest of my body. It makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel like I am on display. It makes me feel like my bottom is a very obvious target. All of these things make the submissive part of my brain hum happily.
Paul stood to one side of me, so he was in my field of vision, and then he removed his belt. He did it fairly quickly, with strong, sharp movements that foreshadowed how, exactly, it would be moving in just a moment.
He took his position and lay the belt on me, finding his mark. He did this motion a few times before the first stroke, and with each one, I whimpered as I awaited the biting sting that would soon be following.
After what seemed like ages, he snapped the belt down against my bottom. It hurt, but I was ready for it. The second and third strokes made me grunt and gasp a little. The fourth was particularly sharp, and it landed with a pinching feeling on my bottom, reminiscent of the tawse. I let out a wail. The strokes began to fall harder now, and each one solicited small cries from me.
After five strokes, he changed sides. This is something that Paul almost always does, and which very few people who I play with do. Because most people I play with tend to only swing from one direction, and it’s been this way for the past nine and a half years that I’ve been getting spanked, the opposite side is still somewhat less conditioned, so these strokes always hurt more. I gripped at my Rilakkuma cuddly toy (who I call “Fat Head”) and pressed my face into the plush material, as if this would bring me some kind of relief.
Once ten strokes had been delivered, I expected Paul to change sides again. Paul and I tend to play so that far fewer, but very hard strokes are delivered, usually of a set number. This is different from the way that I’ve played with a lot of other people, but it’s a headspace that has a strong effect on me. It feels formal, more like a school punishment. It feels very controlled, which is something that gives me great comfort and allows me to let go more during the scene.
Instead, Paul started to scold me again:
“You’ve been punished for this before, haven’t you?” he asked.
I nodded, my voice not coming through for me.
Paul’s only response to this was to tap the belt against my thighs.
I whimpered and lowered my head, knowing that this was really going to hurt. And, in a second, it did: a bright, blazing light of pain across the middle of my thighs. I let out a cry that probably sounded fairly desperate. The next several strokes landed this way, seeming to illuminate my entire body, each stroke feeling like it covered much more flesh than it actually did. I struggled to keep from reaching back, and sometimes raised my feet after the belt landed and had to force myself to move them back down before I was asked to.
Having my thighs spanked and otherwise punished has always been psychologically important to me. It’s the ultimate love/hate relationship, and I was fascinated with it even before I actually started to play. It always seemed like a punishment within a punishment: the harshest of sanctions.
When the belting was finished and my legs were striped by the strokes I had received, I felt very passive and chastised. I curled up in Paul’s lap, thanking him for punishing me, as is our protocol. I felt very young and very taken care of, and these are two of the feelings that I cherish the most that can come from this thing we do.
I’ll be careful with my shoes in the future, not because I’m afraid of being punished again, but because I know that it’s important and that Paul cares about me enough to make sure I know, and that’s the best feeling.
Just a couple of really quick things. First of all, Spanking Awards. I was so excited when, in 2012, I was nominated for Creative Blog of the Year and even more excited when I won. There weren’t any awards the following year: I guess brushstrokes has stopped blogging pretty much, and didn’t host any awards. Thankfully, my good friend The Chief over at Spanking Blogg has resurrected these awards. It’s currently in the nominations process, so I recommend that you guys go check it out and nominate your favorite spankees, spankers, sites, blogs et cetera. I know that on one level it’s a silly little thing, but getting recognition is really nice and there are so many wonderful people who work so hard to make the spanking piece of the internet awesome, so go share your favorites!
Secondly, I’ve just finished removing some blogs from my blogroll. I removed blogs that hadn’t been updated in six months (with the exception of Maddy Marks‘ blog because every time I bring it up she tells me she is going to update again, and she’s one of my best friends so I’ll let her get away with it!) and any blogs that were not available for the 18+ public to view (those that required a password et cetera). I also removed a blog for talking extensively about spanking children (like, for real, not as a fantasy), which I do not condone or approve of. I also found that two blogs had moved URLs and updated those, so all the blogs on my list should be ones that update at least sometimes and that you can easily access.
That said, I feel like my blog list is currently incomplete. If you write a blog and I don’t have a link to yours, please leave a comment so I can add you. If there’s a blog you enjoy that I don’t link to, please let me know! I want to share as many quality spanking blog links as I can without just going through other people’s links lists and copying them.
I hope you all had a good Friday. I finished the work I needed to do early today, so Maddy and I went to the mall and did some shopping. I got new panties and some new pajamas.
I’m feeling very torn about the new stuff that I DID get. Part of me wants to get to wearing it right away due to the epic coziness, and part of me wants to save it until Paul gets back, because I like to wear new things for the first time when he’s with me. It seems a shame to wear something brand new and adorable for the first time while sitting alone at home! I suppose I have other options, like wearing them for a shoot or saving some and wearing others, or wearing them for the first time when we’re skyping sometime soon. I realize that this is not as big of a deal as I’m making it.
Maddy and I got caught in traffic getting me home after our excursion, so I had to do a quick change from “Aren’t you proud that I got dressed and left the house today” to “dressed up to go to a fetish club,” which is a significant difference! I managed to make myself presentable to the general kinky public in less than a half hour, though, which is not bad! I was hurrying, though, so I didn’t take a picture, but I wore heels. I’m trying to practice wearing heels a bit more, so I don’t seem like a baby deer when I walk in them. Anyway, I went to Sanctuary Studios LAX with The Cameraman from the Clare Fonda Sites. They were hosting a play party, and although neither The Cameraman or I intended to play, it was a fun place to hang out and catch up. There was also a live stage show which included four acts. The first part started with play piercing, which I didn’t mind watching although it is definitely not “my thing” (I have done it once, for the experience). It then turned into blood cupping, though, and I had to look away. I’m terrified of suction cups. It’s a weird thing to be afraid of, I know, but that’s just me. The idea of someone’s blood being sucked out of their body through their skin makes me feel like I’m going to pass out just describing it here. Since that was literally happening on the stage, I was happy that the Cameraman is very tall so I could angle myself so he blocked the show for me. Apparently after that, the blood was spread around and played with, but I couldn’t bring myself to watch that part, either. I guess I’m just squeemish. The next act was a dance routine which involved the performer stripping and then pouring an entire bottle of red wine all over themselves and then head banging, which created a pretty awesome visual effect, but I was glad that I was sitting closer to the back! The next part involved three girls being strapped to spanking benches, but instead of the spankings I was expecting, each was brought to a multitude of forced orgasms with the hitatchi. It would have been a lot more intense to observe if there hadn’t been loud music playing, but it was fascinating to see how each one responded to pleasure differently and the motions their bodies made. The final act was another strip-tease which involved some extremely impressive pole dancing. Watching live shows like this is kind of a new experience for me, and it was certainly interesting, if not particularly erotic for me. Of course, I don’t expect everyone to cater to my particular kink, but I kept eyeing the fact that there was a stage there, and fantasizing about being marched onto it to be punished in front of everyone… now that’s an idea I can get behind!
Anyway, it’s late and tomorrow my friend and I are going to Chuck E Cheese (yes, this was my idea, of course!) so I should probably go to bed. Now that I’m posting more often, a lot more posts are off topic from the spanking world, although pretty much everything in my life is tangentially related to spanking. From now on I’ll be labeling posts with “OT” in the title if there isn’t at least one part that discusses a spanking scene or a concept related to spanking, or if the post does not include spanking related photos.
As you all know, in the past year and a half or so, I’ve become really shitty at updating my blog. There are tons and tons of reasons for it, which I think I often explain when I’m talking about this. There are two main ones, though.
The first is time. I’m a busy girl, and I’m glad to be. I pack my days full of doing administrative work for myself, shooting, sessioning, house keeping, cat cuddling, writing, visiting friends and working on two projects that I don’t want to mention until they are finished but are very time consuming. I spend half of my year with Paul, visiting with him for three months at a time before he’s gone for another three. This ends up meaning that when Paul *is* here, I get wrapped up in wanting to spend all my free time with him, which I honestly think is totally legitimate. And in addition to Paul, I’m lucky enough to have Rafa and Z nearby, and, in case I haven’t mentioned it here, to have Z as my girlfriend again (we dated, broke up around the time that I was moving to South Dakota and recently started to date again). Having three significant others in one city means that I spend a lot of time with at least one of my partners. I have to learn how to build blogging into my daily activities once again, and it’s been a slow process, but I’m going to keep trying!
The second reason is vulnerability. When I started this blog, I was happy to sit down and just talk about everything that was going on in my life. This was something that slowly changed. My ex didn’t want me to write about certain parts of my life. Others seemed off topic. Others seemed to personal, too vulnerable. Things got to a point where my style changed and I only wrote encapsulated little stories or thought pieces. I love writing those things, and really, they’re always going to be my best posts, but I’ve decided that I want to start writing about my day to day life more.
There are some things that I strictly won’t talk about: what happens during sessions, for example, is strictly confidential, even if it’s funny or poignant. Similarly, I won’t share stories that aren’t mine to share: I won’t talk about things that are going on in my friends’ and partners’ lives unless I have their explicit permission to discuss it.
But, after that header, I’m ready to launch into talking about things. So, in other words, very little of this post is actually about spanking, so you might possibly find it boring.
Paul went back to England on Monday. The last week of him being here was mixed between trying to get as many things done as possible and me wanting to spend about 90 percent of my time like this:
Paul didn’t mind, of course. He wants to cuddle me just as much as I want to him. We snuggled and he spent a long time reassuring me that everything is, of course, going to be alright. I do require a lot of that, and it makes me feel silly sometimes, but that’s just me. Paul also spent a lot of time sitting in the yard and reading. The weather has been warm recently, even for Los Angeles and it had been sunny. He said that wanted to load up on sunshine to save for the long, gloomy winter in England that he had ahead of him, and I told him that he was being like Frederick the mouse. He was unfamiliar with this story, so I told it to him.
On Sunday, Paul obviously had plans for me. He had woken up earlier than me, as usual, and I laid in bed longer than I needed to listening to the sounds of him moving around the house. I was keenly aware that soon, I would we be waking up to quiet, and I took comfort in the reminder that he was there with me for at least a little while longer. When I got up, I discovered that he had laid a school uniform out for me. It was one of the ones from the Northern Spanking wardrobe, complete with a cute pink and blue striped tie. I hadn’t made the bed that morning because The Baby Monster was sleeping on it, and he looked particularly cute and I didn’t want to disturb him. Not making the bed is one of the most common reasons for us to segue into a play punishment spanking scene, and so it began, with Paul pulling me over his lap and lifting my rather short and form fitting navy blue skirt.
He began to spank me with his hand, no harder than the usual for fun spanking, but within a few moments, I burst into tears. I was in a state of total and complete vulnerability, and I couldn’t handle very much playing. He spanked me for a while, letting me cry out what really should have been all my tears. When he finished, he pulled me up into his lap and cuddled on him desperately. “How do you feel?” he asked me, as has done from time to time since the very first day that we played together off camera. This time, for the first time, I didn’t have an answer right away. I did feel happy to have been spanked, and to be existing in the comfortable bubble of being taken care of. At the same time, though, I felt sad. That was the only word for it. I was sad. I knew that Paul had to go, and I really didn’t want to make him feel guilty about it. I just couldn’t keep myself together, as much as I wanted to be able to put everything away.
Paul had planned to spend most of the day playing together, but he altered this plan when he realized that I just wasn’t up for it. Instead, he spent the time looking after me, and doing everything he could to make me feel safe and secure. We decided to go out to eat at one of our favorite spots (Curry House, for those of you who want Los Angeles restaurant recommendations from me and like Japanese food). Before we ate, we went into the Japanese bookstore, where Paul looked at some historical books and I found the section where they keep the “non nude erotic art”, which is essentially tease erotica, mostly focusing on school uniforms and upskirts. The first book I had purchased from that section, School Girl Complex, didn’t actually include any pictures with panties in it, much to my disappointment, but it was incredibly suggestively erotic and very beautiful artwork. This time, though, I found one that while it didn’t include any explicit nudity, had lots of underwear photos in it. I happily showed it to Paul, who said “That’s coming home with us.” I would take a picture of the book to show you, but Paul took it with him to England.
Dinner was delicious, as always. We always have the exact same meal there: hamburger curry for and a fruit punch, chicken breast katsu curry for Paul, and a Sapporo. My mood was significantly lighter as we ate, and I focused on the fact that we’d get to talk a lot and that I would keep myself very busy while he was away. Once we’d finished eating, we stopped into the local market, where Paul bought me candy and a Re-ment raccoon figure for my collection of little chumbly animals. From there, I noticed that one of my favorite stores was still open, and dragged Paul over to it. If there’s one store where the majority of my dresses comes from, it’s this one. Besides selling cute, girly things, they have a cat in the shop, and I always want to go in and pet him. It’s a very good business technique, really. I’m friendly with the shop keeper, and we ended up talking for a while. She knows that Paul is my boyfriend and that he goes back and forth to England, and we talked about this for a while. She asked how old we both were, and we joked a bit about our twenty year age gap. I’ve been coming to this store since the first time that I lived in Los Angeles, so over five years. The store keeper told Paul “Before, she was really miserable. You could see it in her face. Now she’s always smiling, look at how happy you make her.”
It’s true. Even when things aren’t easy, I feel so overwhelming lucky to be so in love– and so loved! I ended up buying a cardigan with cats on it (obviously) and then we headed home, where we had some “alone time” and then snuggled up for bed.
The next day, I made us brunch before we had to leave for the airport. I had worried that I was going to come completely undone, but I was alright. Paul had successfully brought me back to feeling secure and focusing on being loved, not on the distance that was about to separate us. I was surprisingly fine as I drove home. I was maybe a little bit numb, and I took the evening to myself, fucking around and playing video games while wearing my bunny suit (because that’s what you do when home alone, right?)
The next day was a busy one: in the morning, Maddy Marks and I went hiking, then we met up with her boyfriend, Siq, to go get lunch. After lunch, Maddy and I went to get our nails done, which made me feel tidy and pretty again after having felt slobby for a couple days while I had broken nails. Maddy hung out with me right until I had to leave for a bondage shoot, and after shooting I went out for delicious sushi. I was overjoyed and well fed, and I came home, where I did a bit of work and then went to bed.
Except it didn’t work. I have spent most of my life with circadian rhythm issues. For whatever reason, despite having a sternly enforced bedtime, it’s very hard for me to go to bed if there isn’t someone else there to remind me to. When Paul is here with me, he doesn’t even need to tell me to go to bed a lot of the time: I just tell him that I’m feeling sleepy and go get ready, sometimes before my bedtime. But for whatever reason, in an empty house I just don’t get sleepy. I grow tired and weary, but my brain remains awake. I was still awake when the sun came up the next day. I ended up dozing a little bit, then getting up and making myself something to eat, after which I pretty much immediately decided to go back to sleep. As soon as I got there, though, missionaries knocked on my door and woke me up. I hid under the blankets. Eventually I fell into a weird, groggy sleep full of strange dreams (those have been plaguing me recently) and I got up around 3:00 PM. I woke up with a headache, thinking it was caused by my weird sleep pattern. I soon realized it was a garden variety migraine, though, and medicated myself accordingly. Eventually, I perked up and got a bunch of work done.
Besides being sad about Paul heading back to England, I’m melancholy this time of year because it’s the time of year when my brother passed away three years ago. LOL day made me sad: I remember writing my first LOL day post while my brother was in hospice, just a couple of days before he left us. I’ve accepted that he’s gone and moved on, but that doesn’t mean that my heart will ever stop feeling like part of it is dead, too.
Fortunately, I’ve got a lot of stuff going on in the next few days to keep me distracted.
PS- when I went to label this I was overjoyed to discover that there was already a tag for “bunny suit.” I’m the best. 😛
I’ve never let this blog sit around uncared for for such a long time. I finally have the basic pieces of my life in order now, though: my house is nearly unpacked, I have most of the furniture that I require and all of my appliances, my cats are happily adjusted to the new home and, perhaps most importantly, I finally have internet. It took them two weeks to get around to setting it up. It was ridiculous. I got tremendously behind on everything that I needed to do, since nearly all of it involves being online.
I’m finally getting caught up now. It’s very time consuming.
But life is good.
Paul and I are growing into a comfortable lifestyle as things get settled. Like everyone else in the world, we spend most of our days doing our respective jobs, but we both do large parts of that from home so we spend a lot of time together. I make dinner nearly every night and do lots of baking, which makes me happy. Between work and chores and making cookies, there’s time for me to do the silly things that I like, such as drawing with sidewalk chalk, chasing my cats around and doing craft projects such as making foxes out of paper.
|Two dozen cookies from scratch, one dozen foxes from construction paper|
After I made them, Paul used string to carefully hang them from the weeping branches of the tree in our yard, whose trunk is wrapped with tiny, solar powered Christmas lights. Our mail box is matte black, so I color on it with the sidewalk chalk. We have a pumpkin on our stoop and yellow flowers growing in a planter. It’s so incredibly obvious that I live here. It’s a very happy house.
Paul and I have grown very comfortably into having D/s as part of our daily lives instead of maintaining a long distance relationship, probably partially because the foundation that we built during the time that we were long distance was so strong. Aiding in the ease of this transition is the fact that we both have a very strong and well defined idea of what we want from one such relationship and that those ideas are very much in line (see also, our compatibility). I’m sure that being seriously in love doesn’t hurt, either.
Just as our daily life has become very domesticated, our daily kink life has, too, in a way that I find infinitely comforting. Spanking fits into our daily life seamlessly. It’s the most natural thing in the world. Our bedtime ritual involves me getting spanked each night as a re-affirmative act, but spankings just happen throughout the day, too, whether it’s taking a break from work for spontaneous play or setting time aside to address something more serious.
Interestingly, now that I’m living in a location where I have a lot more kinky friends and scene activities to participate in, I’ve found myself much more involved and interested in my vanilla life. I’ve been reconnecting with old friends, doing personal writing projects, doing craft projects, doing more baking and more experimental cooking and just generally rediscovering interests that I had put aside.
One thing that I really like is walking. That sounds like a very lame thing to like, doesn’t it? I do, though. In college, Zeki and I used to walk huge distances, sometimes passing through two or three towns, or even out of the county. We’d talk and share stories. Some of our best mutual ideas were fostered during these walks. Other days, I would walk by myself, usually on a shady trail that followed the Bronx River. I would get deeply involved in daydreaming and often make up spanking stories in my head or review others that I really enjoyed, sometimes from films, sometimes from my own limited experiences with SF.
The other day I decided to go take a walk, since I needed to talk to someone on the phone I get antsy when I’m just sitting still when I’m on the phone. Paul was working in the study, so I told him I’d be back shortly. I did plan to be back shortly. Maybe I didn’t really plan at all, because I was wearing jelly flip-flops and I didn’t have any water with me and it was a particularly dry, hot day. None the less, my conversation ended pretty quickly, but I kept walking for a while, daydreaming happily like I used to do. I realized that I was walking in the direction of a particular major road where Target is located, and I decided that it would be neat if I walked all the way there. It’s about a mile away from my house, so it was certainly feasible– I’ve done 8 – 10 mile walks in the past. I needed to go there anyway, and I estimated that I was about halfway there already. I’d walk the rest of the way, get the hangers I needed and then walk home.
Unfortunately, I wasn’t actually walking the way that I thought I was.
Two miles later, I was hot, dehydrated and tired. My feet were incredibly sore and seriously blistered. I decided that I needed to give up and turn around.
I tried to walk home, but I got about six blocks before I realized that there was no way I could possibly do that. I was tired. I needed a drink. This was a stupid idea.
I slowly began to realize how poorly I had planned this. Why did I think it was a good idea to walk in the heat without water or proper shoes? I hadn’t even told Paul where I was going, and he was under the impression I was going to be back shortly. I realized that I’d been gone for nearly an hour. Under the strap of my sandal, my feet looked like they were about to bleed.
It was then that I realized I was going to have to ask Paul to come get me in the car. It was also then that I realized that I was probably going to be in pretty serious trouble. Taking care of myself is pretty much rule #1. This was a serious failure in that department.
Paul agreed to come get me without really saying anything about it, but as soon as I got into the car, I knew that he was seriously displeased with me.
“Are you mad?” I asked, my voice small and meek.
“You’re going to be punished when we get home” was his only response. We drove back in silence. I could do nothing but think about how thoughtless this had been. I’d interrupted Paul’s working. I had entirely failed at taking care of myself. Tears ran down my face, and I sniffled a bit.
As soon as we got in the door, Paul turned to me and said “Go to your room.” I went into our bedroom and flopped on the bed. I didn’t want to stand up. My feet hurt too much. I was hot. I was tired. I was in big, big trouble. I lay there like a lump, doing an activity which really can’t be described as anything but “sulking.” In the seeming eternity (but actually one or two minutes) before Paul came in I could hear him moving around in the kitchen. Then I heard the sound of a cabinet being opened and shut again, and my heart began to pound.
There’s a shallow, white cabinet in the kitchen. It’s separated from the other kitchen cupboards and obviously original to the house, but it’s only about three inches deep. I’m not sure what it was used for, but it’s become the official storage place for some of our meanest implements.
I wanted to mope about the fact that I was about to be seriously corrected, but I couldn’t bring myself to. I knew that I deserved it. Still, my tummy hurt.
Paul finally came into the room holding a cane. I had sort of known that was going to be the end of this story from the moment that I realized that I had messed up so badly, but the reality of the situation was sinking in very quickly.
In addition to feeling upset about how thoughtless my actions were, I had been really focused on worrying that Paul was mad at me for inconveniencing him. Having to stop your work to go rescue a silly girl who got herself into a mess is bound to annoy anyone. But once he began to scold me, I realized that he was much more upset about the fact that something bad could have happened to me. I felt very loved as he lectured me about thinking before I did things and taking care of myself. I could feel how precious I am to him, and how he won’t let any harm come to me, even through my own poor judgement.
Then he ordered me over the bed and began to spank me. While technically a warmup, he started hard and furiously. In my tired, vulnerable state, I pretty instantly started to sob hard, offering absolutely no emotional resistance to the spanking. I needed it. I knew that.
I felt impossibly sore after the warm up, but this was probably mostly because of my mental state at the time. Then Paul ordered me to kneel up on the bed, which I did quickly. I kept my feet off the edge of the bed because they had gotten filthy as I was walking around on the dusty sidewalks in flip flops. Paul noticed this, too, and said “You’ll clean your feet after this,” which I quietly affirmed through my tears. “Get down on your elbows,” he told me, and this made me cry harder, but I did as I was told. This position means only one thing: strokes to the tender area where my thighs and bottom meet. Paul then tapped my bottom with the cane before simply saying “Ten.”
The first stroke startled me into some sort of clarity for a second, although after the initial crack, during that long moment when the pain begins to built and develop, I felt overtaken by hurting and began to cry again. The next two or three were quickly paced– no time for one to finish building before the next and I could make no attempt at processing them. I wailed. After five strokes, he gave me a little break, pressing his hand against the welts in the same motion that I do when a beating is over. The pressure seems to hold the pain in for a moment. I caught my breath, but didn’t slow my sobbing.
The next two strokes were to that aforementioned tender area. I did my best not to yell, but I felt an overpowering warmth: burning, biting, pinching, gnawing heat. The rest of the strokes came in quick succession, and after each one, my cries became louder and more desperate.
It’s a very good thing that we live in a house instead of an apartment. I’m….noisy.
When the whole thing was over, Paul immediately sat down on the bed and pulled me onto his lap, holding me close to him. I wiped tears all over my face in some attempt of cleaning myself up and apologized over and over. He stroked my hair and told me he forgave me.
Part of our protocol surrounding scenes is that I always thank him for spanking me. This is something that I initiated because it makes me feel very submissive in the best way. After being soundly punished I felt a bit shy to say this this time, but I managed it out in a coy whisper. “Good girl,” he told me, kissing my forehead. I sat there on his lap for a long time, entirely vulnerable, my bottom aching and burning but my tears drying. I felt lucky to be so loved. I was filled with contentment.
Finally, I felt calm enough to get up and get myself properly cleaned up. I rinsed my feet off and then climbed into a cool bath, the water still feeling tingly and antagonistic against my welts. I was glad, though. I didn’t want them to be fully soothed. I didn’t stop to take a picture of the lines, but they were impressive: perfectly parallel and close enough together that they very nearly touched, but not quite.
Anyway, I’m back now. I’ll be updating one to two times a week, as I used to. I’ve missed writing, and I hope you’ve missed reading.♥
Well, Christmas happened and it was great.
It sort of snuck up on me because I had been so focused on Malignus’ birthday, since Christmas happens every year, but he only got to turn 30 once.
I had tossed the idea around of doing some Christmas themed photos for about a week before the holiday, but I ended up putting it off and ending up only taking a few in the poor, winter lighting on Christmas eve:
I got lots of really nice presents from people both in the scene and in my vanilla life, which I shall not brag about because that’s just unseemly. I will, however, brag about one thing: Malignus got me a KitchenAid mixer.
I’ve wanted one of these since I was twelve years old and I first started to daydream about having a home of my own. I’ve been so fond of them that I’ve HUGGED Epipelagic and LilLawBrat’s mixers when I saw them. Now I have my own. I’m using it for the first time tonight, and I’m incredibly excited. It was pretty much the greatest gift! 😀
Due to the emphasis on family and on rekindling old bonds, Christmas tends to be a fairly vanilla time. Malignus did give me a very lovely spanking before bed that night, though. It was one of those nice, affectionate spankings which leave me feeling extremely loved. He gave me a long, gradually building warmup with his hand before moving on to spank me with some member of the Turner Family (that is to say, the collection of wooden turners/spoons, all of which have human names). This also started out more gently, but progressed to being fairly hard. After he finished with this, he returned to spanking me with his hand in a gradual decrescendo, which brought me from a little squirmy to very relaxed and snuggly feeling. I was so ready to go to sleep after the spanking that I nearly forgot to collect my post-spanking hug, which is pretty unheard of for me. Once I was reminded of this, I felt slightly embarrassed (who forgets hugs time?!) but I enjoyed the affection which followed. We said “Merry Christmas” to each other and then I fell promptly to sleep. It was the perfect end to a wonderful holiday. 🙂
Now that Christmas has been over for a couple of days, I really should have gotten caught up on blogging already. It would have been the perfect thing to do yesterday. Unfortunately, I’ve falled into a bit of a slump recently. This is largely caused by the fact that I hate winter. Christmas aside, I hate everything about winter. Now that Christmas is aside, well, I’m just left with snow, ice, dangerously slippery roads, fewer daylight hours and awful, bitter cold. In college, I was diagnosed with Seasonal Affective Disorder, but the treatment for that involved me having to wake up at 6 AM and sit under an excessively bright light in the Health Services Office for an hour before my first class, which just served to make me grumpier than I already was, so I didn’t continue the practice. Recently, I’ve been struggling against both crankiness and laziness. I’ve managed to keep up with my chores and such things, but I haven’t been feeling particularly spunky. In fact, I feel more like this:
I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas!
Sleep has always been an issue for me. I began dealing with serious insomnia when I was in preschool. Although no one has ever come out and said that the two things are related, I also began to suffer from migraines around the same time. Getting to sleep has pretty much been a constant battle in my life. The other day, when I last wrote a blog post, I was writing after having been awake nearly all night. Malignus had gone to take a nap. I mentioned in my last post that we were going to a friend’s birthday party that night, and the idea was that we would both nap before we went to this, so as to be perky and enjoyable people. I never got my brain slowed down enough to sleep. It just didn’t happen. When Malignus got up from his nap, I let him know that this was the case. We talked a little and did a few other things, then, before I started getting ready to go out, he turned to me and said “Where’s your hairbrush?”
Being a very suave and non-awkward girl, I responded with “Under the bed. What did you ask?”
Malignus told me that I was an awkward penguin before sitting on the edge of the bed and beckoning me to bring him the hairbrush.
|I basically save my good lines and seamless transitions for when there’s a camera|
Once I was in position, we began a conversation about me being passive. Our very first few conversations about submission had focused on the differences between it’s active and passive forms, and our earliest D/s interaction was about something very similar to what we were about to revisit: me making myself passive, vulnerable and comfortable in order to sleep. This is something that does not come naturally to me. Because I spent so much of my life before Malignus in a state of constant hypervigilance, I somehow ended up with the idea that because I am far more relaxed than I used to be on a regular basis that I was doing “better enough” at this and I therefore wasn’t focusing on it enough. Honestly, though, my inability to be comfortable being passive has caused me three large problems:
1) I don’t sleep because I spend about three or four hours (literally) thinking about things instead of letting my brain fall asleep. I basically fall asleep only when my body reaches a sufficient point of exhaustion, and I often end up getting so over tired that I’m prone to emotional conflagrations because I am just so tired that I start crying all over the place.
2) I don’t experience “headspace” or “subspace” with the amount of frequency or ease that other submissives seem to. At the time we’re discussing in this story, I’d only had a proper subspace experience twice and both times were after I’d been frequently and fairly severely spanked over the course of a weekend before the spanking which put me into subspace, so my resistance had been slowly but surely removed over a period of time.
3) I don’t find many traditionally relaxing experiences relaxing. I actually had to take a freaking class on relaxation in college, during which they taught me ways to actively relax my body, probably because they had given up on me just doing it. Massage used to make me tighten my muscles that much more in response to the stimuli, and my mind kept working pretty constantly even during things like hot soaks or yoga.
Anyway, Malignus gave me a series of instructions about being passive to the spanking he was about to give me and to be aware of these things for the future so that I could use them to sleep. Other times, I’d struggled against the idea of being passive. It seemed too hard for me. This time, I wanted to be spanked, I wanted to be obedient and, most importantly, I wanted to learn what I was being taught. I was tired of hindering myself, and I just let go and passively accepted and reacted. Most importantly, I let my brain go. It was awesome. I got into a circle of gratification, because the more I took passively, the better I felt about myself and the better I felt about myself, the more I was able to take. When the spanking was over, I was quite sore, but I felt a strong sense of accomplishment, and the wonderful sense of closeness that I feel with someone after a spanking which was purposeful and communicative. I can feel their investment in me literally radiating through my body, and that leaves me feeling incredibly loved. I got really good sleep that night. I just chose to do it, and then I did it and I woke up feeling like an awesome person.
I’ve kept this lesson in my mind recently, and I’ve discovered its usefulness in other situations, such as the aforementioned subspace problem. This past weekend I attended a cabin spanking party (more details on that in an upcoming post) during which I found myself able to choose to be passive during some of the spankings which I received, and as a result, I floated off into nice, safe, snuggly parts of my brain with great ease.
I haven’t slept enough recently, but it’s been due to external stimuli and the burden of constantly traveling, but when I have slept, it’s been high quality, sweet sleep.
It turns out that feeling relaxed is a very nice thing.
I’m off to do some more of that, since tomorrow I’m going to Disneyland with Lily Starr and Robert Wolf. Fuck. Yes.
Before I get into this post, there are a few things I need to address.
First of all, I’ve been a very bad girl when it comes to blogging the past few months. There’s nothing less attractive than a half effort. I’ve had an awful lot going on: a series of unfortunate events, some health struggles, different hours at work than I was used to, and the fact that Malignus and I have begun to launch a new business. I’ve been dedicating a lot of time to other things. That said, my blog is very important to me, and I intend to return to updating regularly.
Secondly, I know that you all want to hear about TASSP. I want to tell you about it, too! Unfortunately, I’m saving that post until I receive a few photos, and I have something else that I want to address briefly before that.
I left TASSP on Sunday. I arrived in Omaha, and then Malignus and I drove back to Sioux Falls and went to bed around 4 the next morning. That afternoon, I got up and went to the airport to fly to NYC to visit my family of origin in New Jersey and then go into the city for some shooting and visiting friends. During the time that I was in Sioux Falls, I basically dumped all my crap from Texas out and onto the floor of the spare room and then repacked it with appropriate family attire.
I don’t enjoy visiting with my family, especially after my oldest brother died last winter. That brother was the part of the family that I connected with. I value my other brother, but we don’t share the same kind of closeness. My mother herself has never been emotionally well in my lifetime, and she’s caused me a great many difficulties in my lifetime. I don’t believe that going into those details here would be appropriate, but know you this: things have been more often bad than good between us.
Yesterday, I had a rough day. Last time that I was here, my brother’s death was still a present topic. We were at his funeral. This time, it was as if he really never existed to everyone else, while I was hyper aware of all the things that reminded me of him. Despite my acceptance of his death, I caught myself longing for him; the feeling of my body cut up by want inside. My mother ragged on me for small things over and over again, she invaded my privacy, she was critical of my body (this is her favorite hobby. She was a professional dancer and I did not inherit that build, and she takes every chance she gets to remind me of this). It kinda sucked. Then, things got serious.
While I was in the bath, my mother went through my suitcase to find any laundry that might be there (so she said) and, while at it, happened upon a stray cane that had been left in the bag. It’s half length and not very noticeable. She wasn’t entirely sure what it could be for, however, so she looked up the brand, found photos of me on the brand’s site and panicked. She was in hysterics, telling me that she wanted to have me committed to a mental hospital because I’m a danger to myself.
I felt very similarly to the way I did when I first found out that my brother was near death: I’d always known on some level that this moment was going to come, but I sure as hell didn’t expect it when I woke up that morning. On many levels, I was prepared for this. I’ve always been detached and I don’t actually NEED anything from her. My familiar connection is more based on filial piety and social constructs at this point. These things didn’t stop me from calling Malignus in tears as soon as I ran out of the house.
I ended up going to New York that night, to stay with PeachyKeane and Scotchgrove. They’ve been extremely welcoming and gracious to me. I explained to the doctor that I am in sound health and that my mother is simply not accepting the choices made by an adult and that was the end of that. I posted about what happened to fetlife tonight, and I got a wonderful outpouring of kind words. That’s really the reason for this post more than anything else: I want to thank everyone who posted or messaged me with their support. It reinforced the lesson that I needed the most at this moment:
The scene is my family. When I grow, it loves me for it. When I fail at things, it pushes me back up to try again. When I’m strange, it’s stranger. When I’m afraid, it’s safe. When I need love, there’s love for me. When I need understanding, there are many who have gone through what I have.
As an entity, you’re all I could ever ask for, and I love you.
I’m also forever grateful for the people who make up my D/s list. The people I’ve grown close to are truly beautiful people. I realized when my mother was in hysterics that there is nothing in the world that matters more to me than the people I know from the scene (especially now that my brother, my closest family member is gone). I’m a very lucky girl to have such wonderful people in my life.
I’m not happy with the way things have gone with this incident (between my mom and I) and I don’t think that it’s over yet. But I’m okay despite it. When I was a girl, I was terrified that I’d be found out and put away for what I do (or, at the time, what I wanted to do). Now, those threats don’t really scare me because I’m an adult, and I know that I can and do take care of myself. If anything, this is rather freeing. I have confidence in myself and even less to fear.
And I have you guys. And that rocks.
TASSP post will happen as soon as I get some pictures from a few people! Keep your eyes open! It’ll include lots of amazing adventures including me, Malignus, Pandora Blake, Ten Amorette, Amelia Jane Rutherford, Heather Michaels, Christy Cutie, Shay Elizabeth and lots more awesome people! There’s even a puppy! Spankings and a puppy! What could be better?!
<3 <3 <3