Monthly Archives: July 2013

So, for the entire year of 2013, basically, I’ve been trying to get caught up on ALL my adventures and I’ve pretty much always been at least a month behind. I want to write about ALL of them. I want you to know everything. A lot has happened in the last six months. I traveled to Los Angeles, then I went to Las Vegas for the Fifty Freaks Party, from there I went to England and Holland on a month long adventure that changed my life forever. Following England, I attended Boardwalk Badness Weekend, spent a day in Kansas City doing whipping scenes for Whipping Films that tested my limits to the max, then headed to Texas to spend time with some of my favorite people. Later that same month, I went to Denver with Amoni, then for two weeks of precious alone time at a cabin in the mountains with Paul, then to Florida for the first time for the Florida Moonshine Tropical Beach Party. From there, my friend Morgan drove me and another friend, Stella, back to Texas, on a road trip through several states I’d never visited before. In Texas I had more adventures, hanging out with Mila, Ten, WearYouOut and LilLawBrat until it was time for the Texas All State Spanking Party. I came back to South Dakota after TASSP and hung out there for nearly a month, although I did head up to Minneapolis at one point to shoot for Bondage Mischief. Then last week I drove to Chicago for the Chicago Crimson Moon party. Now, I’m in Sioux Falls for the night and then heading to New York and Philadelphia.

There’s a flaw in this system. I want to tell you guys EVERYTHING exciting that happens. I want to share every shoot, every amazing scene with a friend, every adventure that I take off on, every moment where a spanking pushes me in some new direction and brings me closer to the goal of knowing myself. I would like to document every single spanking I get, period, if I could. I want to do this because I love these moments and I want to share them with you, and because I never want to forget them. At the same time, I want to write posts like this one or this one that aren’t part of the narrative: I have always referred to these when talking about what I’m going to write when as “theory posts.” I’ve even started to write spanking fiction again, and I might want to share that from time to time, too, if there’s an interest. Because I usually only post two to three times a week when I’m home and may go an entire week without posting (oops!) when I’m traveling and have limited internet access, there’s no way I’m ever going to get caught up at this rate. The last narrative post that I shared was about the first night that Paul and I arrived at the cabin. A lot of things happened when we were there. I could easily make twenty different posts about adventures, experiences, scenes and things I learned about myself in that time frame. This means that, at that rate, I’ll literally never be caught up, especially if I want to talk about things that aren’t related to “the story”.

Essentially, what I’m saying is that I have too many things to write about and I’m going to take a break from working through every single thing that happened. I’m going to skip ahead to Crimson Moon, write a series of posts about that and then write about what’s happening or has just happened at the time that I’m writing. This saves me a lot of stress, honestly, and makes my posts more topical. If there comes a time when my life ever dies down (HA!) I’ll go back and write about some of the favored memories from the past. In addition to blogging, I also journal privately, so it will be easy to adapt some of that for the public.

So, I’m going to take a deep breath and put those other adventures on hold. I’m also considering doing one post a week as a video blog, especially when I have a friend around. This would likely be in addition to my written posts. I’m curious to know how people actually feel about video blogging, though. Do people actually watch them? Would you rather just read stuff? Please share your thoughts and feels.

In the meantime, I’m continuing to update my tumblr after a hiatus. You can always use the “Ask Me Anything” button there to inquire about things you’d like to hear about. Additionally, you can leave questions in the comment section (whether or not they are related to the subject matter of the post) or email them to me at . I think it’s important to have as much dialog as possible between me and whoever is reading this!

I’d also like to thank everyone who was supportive regarding my Pornography Rant. It’s become one of my top 5 most popular posts in just two weeks time, and I think this is hugely important. It’s one of the things I’ve written that I’m most concerned with people reading. So thanks to everyone who shared that.

I’m very sorry to bog this down with self-promotion, but I do still have one or two session and shooting openings when I’m in New York and Philadelphia. Hit me up via email if you want to be in on that. I’m hoping to have a wonderful trip.

You’ll hear about Crimson Moon SOON! Now I have to take a bath and pack and eat something for the first time today. Yikes. 0_0

I have a lot of posts coming up that detail a lot of the adventures that Paul and I shared while we were at the cabin together. I’m not going to share everything that happened: some stuff is personal and intimate and wonderfully just-between-us. Before I move on with those stories, I want to talk about something amazing that I discovered in the first few days that we were together. Because I’m me, I’m going to talk about this by way of a complex extended visual metaphor that involved me doing a small arts-and-crafts project.

This is the fact that Paul and I are amazingly compatible as partners.

The most basic way of thinking about compatibility in the spanking scene is to look at compatibility of roles. When I first made my Fetlife profile, when I was just a sort of lost 23 year old spanko bottom living in Los Angeles and trying to meet Tops because I hadn’t been spanked in about 6 months, I got a lot of messages from people who didn’t know anything about me except that I liked to be spanked. I was presenting myself like this:

In case you can’t tell, this is a very simple looking puzzle piece which reads “I want to be spanked.”

The men who were messaging self identified like this:

The text reads “I want to spank someone”

Therefore, in their mind, the puzzle of compatibility worked like this:

I want to be spanked/I want to spank someone. Fits together perfectly.

There are times when this is actually the way that the world is, such as when playing casually at parties.  When it comes to having a relationship with someone, though, my puzzle piece looks nothing like the gray piece I was presenting originally. It’s more like this:

“My needs are both complex and specific” 

I have all sorts of weird things about me. I have a lot of very specific things that I like in the scene. I need to be spanked, but my spanking needs are not entirely straight forward. I sometimes need to be very seriously disciplined. Other times, I need to be beaten just because my Dominant partner wants to. Sometimes I want to be able to pace the scene myself, asking for the next stroke when I’m ready for it. Others, I want to be entirely overwhelmed and out of control. In still other cases, I want to be treated very tenderly, spanked in a way which is more of a love act than a painful proceeding. I have my entire sexuality, which is a very complicated thing.  I have all the intricacies of my personality, vanilla interests, tastes, personal history, habits and behaviors. Sometimes I’m incredibly childish. Others, I’m fiercely independent. I think that I’m pretty wonderful, but wow, I’m weird, and there’s no denying it. All that zig zagging shows different ways that I want to interact with a person that I love.

Occasionally, I meet someone who sounds like they might be a good match, but in reality, it’s more like this:

“This works, right?!”

The pieces looked relatively similar at a distance, and they do KINDA fit together. Some of my bumps are too big for the the openings on the other side, and vice versa. There are whole areas at the top that are just differently shaped. (Note: this isn’t meant to be any particular person from my life, it’s pretty hypothetical). This is a person who I can be friends with, and I can play a bit with, but it’s never quite fulfilling. Maybe this person wants really deep, BDSM-y D/s, which is similar to what I want but just not the same. None of my weird flanges at the top are being met, but that’s okay, because I don’t need everything from everyone. There’s an empty space on the orange side, too, where I just don’t fulfill that need. No, this doesn’t quite work. It’s not bad, but it’s not quite there.

What a lot of my scene relationships end up being like is this:

“This DOES work!”

All the parts that mesh do so properly. There are just areas that aren’t fulfilled. In this case, the other piece is a lot simpler than me, it’s someone who happens to have less complex needs, but this could work with another crazy looking piece, too (honestly, it’s mostly artistic limitations -_-). The parts that work, work really well. The parts that don’t can always be fulfilled by someone else, some other relationship. That’s the beauty of poly, right there. No one is expected to be everything to everyone. There’s also no reason why I need all the bumps being bumped against at once. This is a really nice way to be compatible with someone.

Once in a while, I meet someone like this:

This is awesome.

EVERYTHING on this side is lining up perfectly and working really well. I’ve experienced this a few times in my life. It’s a wonderful, fulfilling relationship where neither partner is left wanting for something within the expectations of the relationship. (The top parts on both pieces aren’t closed in with something, but based on the shapes, there’s no way that was possible. This might be a really nice D/s relationship without a sexual component, or a vanilla romantic partner, for example. There was never the expectation that the other side WOULD work). I totally cherish these sorts of relationships. You can see the way that the pieces look almost seamless together, and you can try to imagine how that feels. For a long time, I was quite sure that this was far more than most people could expect to find. I think that even these kinds of relationships are probably pretty rare.

There’s something else that’s possible, though:

I realize this is super hard to read. Worst handwriting/photography skillz ever. “This fits! This fits! This fits! This fits! Even this weird bit here fits! and this, too!” 

This is basically a visual representation about how I feel regarding Paul and I. As the first few days that we spent together went on, I was in a haze of disbelief at just how well we worked together. We’re so compatible that it’s eery. He likes the things that I like about myself. The little weird habits that I have are cute and endearing to him. Even things that I’m shy to admit are usually met with “I like that a lot.” Not only do all the different sorts of things that I want to have in a relationship work, but Paul has an uncanny ability to know what sort of interaction I want when. This will be obvious in some of my later posts, but he seems like his understanding of me is magical.

NOW THE METAPHOR FALLS APART: what this doesn’t mean.
– First, no people are actually perfect for each other. I’m not delusional. I know that we will sometimes argue and get annoyed with each other, because that’s what humans do. We’re also not the same, just complimentary. This is especially obvious in terms of our everyday interests. I know the location of all the pandas in domesticity in the entire world, and can tell you way more information about them than you want to know. I’m quite sure that Paul doesn’t actually care about pandas. But what being compatible in this way means is that he likes that I like this. He finds it cute. He encourages it. He’ll sometimes ask me panda related stuff and listen to me talk about them. He’s gotten me ridiculously adorable panda related gifts. Likewise, Paul is really interested in dams and hydroelectric power. That doesn’t actually rate particularly high on the list of “things I’d ever care about normally.” When we were together, though, I really enjoyed going to the places that he was interested in because there were aspects of it that were neat to me (outdoors, the ability to learn about something, he possibility of meeting some sort of animal on the way, et cetera) and, more importantly, because I like that he likes that. I can’t describe why. It’s just so… him. He would like something like that. I also enjoy seeing him interested. I like watching him do the things and listening to him talk about the things that make him happy.

-In the images, there is no longer any room on the puzzle pieces. I didn’t suddenly start believing that there was one person for everyone, or having some sort of monogamous feelings. This isn’t meant to devalue other relationships. This is insanely important to me. My existing relationships didn’t lose any value to me just because I started another one that I’m really excited about. There isn’t a way to show the overlap of gratification, the enjoyability of the differences between each partner, the nuances of my amazing set of relationships. I’m not trying to say that my relationship with Paul is better than the other relationships that I’ve had before/currently have. It’s just that this is the only time that I’ve had a single partner that’s ENTIRELY compatible with basically all my needs. This is partially because we respect one and others’ needs to have other people in our lives.

I hope that you’ve enjoyed my complex visual metaphor and that it makes some sort of sense to you. Making the puzzle pieces helped me to better understand the way I felt about these things, so it was at least good for that!

I’m going to reasume my narrative tomorrow (I have my next post written, too) but I’ve decided I’m going to share this here. I wrote this post on tumblr, in response to a fellow tumblr user who posted a piece of original writing content talking about how sad the lives of people who make pornography are and expressing a lot of judgements that are based on facts that just aren’t true. 

I don’t often respond to poking like that with a rant. In fact, I basically forced myself not to get involved in the comment threads on several posts on similar topics recently because I knew that I’d get impassioned and angry and get less work done because I’ll be constantly refreshing the thread. But this one just got me between the ribs and I HAD to write this. It just happened. 

Because this is a repost from a different forum, it’s much more generically written than my usual prose. There’s no cast page on my tumblr. There’s no expectation that people who read it when it’s been reblogged will even have any idea who I am. So I sound a little different than I usually do here. It’s still me, though. 

Posting here will also allow people who aren’t tumblr users to comment on this post if they want to. 

Today was the third time recently that I saw a post that was made by someone who was involved in a porn sharing community but was not involved in the professional production of pornography who had negative things to say about people who create porn.
While I don’t do traditional pornography, I personally identify spanking videos, bondage pictures, other fetish films and even a lot of the more erotic art nudes that I do as porn. It’s explicit. It’s designed to make you horny. A lot of people don’t want to admit that, but I don’t mind saying so. Porn doesn’t have to be a bad word. Porn can, and probably should be, happily produced, positive, artistic stuff that makes you want to touch yourself.
I love making porn. I want to clear up some myths about it for you:
  • I don’t do porn because I have to. I chose to out of my free will.
  • I have an amazing education. The details of this aren’t important to this argument, nor do they need to be public knowledge, and I’m not going to tell you how smart I think I am, because no one wants to hear that, but I have a very respectable degree from an excellent school. I choose to do porn in addition to working freelance in a creative field. This combination makes me happy. I’m not an anomaly here. I actually know more girls who do porn that have degrees than who don’t.This is what we chose to do with our lives for our happiness.
  • I’ve never met someone who felt that they had to engage in this profession, or even who didn’t enjoy what they did. I’ve met people who stopped having fun with it and so they quit, but I’ve never met someone who felt “stuck” doing this. The number of people with “regular jobs” who hate what they do but feel that they are stuck in it and can’t change their lives is pretty high.
  • I really enjoy the people and companies that I work with. While I sometimes work with producers who aren’t respectful or enjoyable to work with, there’s enough work out there that I just stop working with them and find other people who I do like. 
  • I have fun at my job. Sure, there’s a TON of real work that goes into making videos. A lot of days I sit at home answering email for 8 hours. Other days I have traveling hell. Other days I’m tired and cranky and have my period and don’t want to get pretty and naked, but that’s my job so I do it. That’s because this is my job. Jobs are never always fun. But I can safely say that some of the most enjoyable moments of my ENTIRE LIFE have involved filming spanking videos, and I met several of my best friends, play partners and the man I’m in love withthrough this job.
  • I make enough money to support myself, pay off my student loans, save some and occasionally do or get nice things that I don’t need. Having a life that I enjoy and that lets me do those things seems pretty damn ideal.
  • I don’t lead a double life. My family (both of origin and the family I’ve chosen for myself) know what I do. I had a wonderful relationship with my eldest brother until he passed away, and continue to have one with my other brother and he’s no less successful at his life because his baby sister takes her clothes off on the internet for living. My mother and I are currently having the most positive relationship that we’ve ever had in my entire life (since she’s emotionally unstable for reasons unrelated to my pornography). I don’t have a dad. I’m pretty sure that’s not why I do porn, though.
  • Being poly, I have two stable and loving relationships with men that I adore and respect and who reciprocate those feelings. Neither of these relationships has been negatively affected in the tiniest bit by my internet nudity. Like I said above, I met one of my partners through the industry. 
  • I’m a very ambitious person. I work hard and I am constantly continuing to educate myself. Part of my ambition is to be a happy person, and my job helps me to fulfill that goal.
  • People often say that girls who do porn have no self respect. I beg to differ on this. It takes a TREMENDOUS amount of self respect, positive self image, confidence and even amore propre to be sufficiently comfortable with yourself to get undressed in front of a crew of people, put yourself into a vulnerable position (in my case, getting hit with stuff, in other cases, engaging in sexual intercourse or indulging another fetish) and have the poise to perform, roleplay and do your appropriate part. When I was younger, I was ashamed of myself. I was ashamed of my sexuality, my fetish, my body, my desires. I couldn’t stand anyone else knowing about these things, seeing my body, being intimate with me. I do porn because I love myself. Because my body, my fetish and my sexuality are beautiful and I want to share these things with others. 
  • Porn, especially fetish porn, is actually important. Fetish porn allows people to realize that they aren’t the only people who are interested in what they are, to visualize their fantasies when they can’t connect with people in their personal lives and to be validated that what they like is okay. Despite how deeply involved I am in the creation of porn, I’m still a consumer of spanking pornography. I have subscriptions to five sites, and I watch them for my personal enjoyment, especially when I am unable to play for periods of time. There are lots of people for whom videos are the only way that they interact with their fetish. This is very important to them. Even when it’s not something so near and dear to someone’s heart, porn makes people happy. It doesn’t save anyone’s life. This is true. Neither does art. Neither does working in sales. Neither does designing roller coasters. The amount of people I know whose jobs are actually “necessary” when you really get down to it can be counted on the fingers of one hand. I have a job that makes other people AND me happy. That’s a win.
  • In the past twelve months, I traveled to over fifteen cities in three countries, had “perfect attendance” at the complete roster of national spanking parties and got to visit tons and tons of my friends who live all around the world. I choose my own hours and often do my administrative work from my bed, while wearing a t-shirt and panties and dancing in place to Joy Division. This lifestyle suits me far better than sitting at a desk all day. 
  • Just because you watched a documentary about porn doesn’t mean that you know more about it than people who do this for a living. I watched a documentary about being transgendered. This doesn’t mean that I can go up to a transperson and tell them how they feel. If I did that, I’d hope I’d get punched in the teeth. Furthermore, I bet I could make a documentary about your life that makes you look exploited and unhappy if it served my purposes. 
  • Doing porn doesn’t make me a loser. It doesn’t make me a failure. It makes me a happy, independent woman who respects herself, supports herself and has adventures. Fuck yes.
Porn is valid. It isn’t disgusting. I’m not disgusting. I’m not a fuck up. Neither are my friends. 
If you do porn and you aren’t happy with your life, feel free to call me out and tell me about how your experience is different than mine. Then stop doing porn and find something that does make you happy. Just like if sitting at your desk all day doesn’t make you happy you should stop sitting at your desk and do something else. 

I’m now going to write a series of posts about the time that Paul and I spent together at the Cabin, and at Florida Moonshine. Be warned that a lot of this is gushy and “OH MY GOD I’M SO HAPPY.” These posts, however, are not any more explicit than the other stuff that I post is.

Finally, the morning arrived on which I was going to pick Paul up. His flight schedule was super confusing to me, so I ended up getting Amoni up way earlier than was necessary. It was insanely early in the morning and I hadn’t slept much, but I was full to the brim with energy. I’m not a morning person. Paul is one of the only people for whom I can be cheerful in the morning. Usually, I’m a grumpy ball of “Don’t touch me. Don’t talk to me. Don’t anything. Stop existing, Universe.”

I spent a very long time getting put together that morning, making sure that everything was perfect. I knew that I could have just showed up looking like I do on an average day and he’d have thought I was beautiful, but this was the first time he was going to see me without the aid of a camera since I became his girlfriend, and I wanted it to be ideal. Because I didn’t feel like I “had to” look any particular way for him, and my girliness came from me, it felt like a sign of love.

I bought this birds dress with Heather W. The girly feeling went well with my emotions for the day. I also had on ruffly knee socks and a slip, because that’s how to be fancy, right?

Amoni and I got to the airport around the time that he was leaving his layover, since I was bad at the schedule (although the fact that I was early was much better than the other way!) so we went out to breakfast and did some shopping. I bounced everywhere. I was tremendously high strung and I had an insanely quick heart rate all day long. Just getting a text from Paul makes me smile uncontrollably  Any form of communication makes my heart jump. Seeing him? After months? After so much had changed, grown and developed? My heart beat like a kitten’s.

Finally, we went back to the airport and watched the screens, as his flight was delayed. Amoni sat with me as I jittered, trying to sip at a cup of tea, bouncing in place. The last time Paul and I saw each other before this was at the airport in London, as I was getting ready to leave to go back to Sioux Falls. We were sitting in a cafe eating breakfast and I said “I can’t believe we’ve spent less than a month together. I feel like I’ve known you forever.”
“Now you will,” he said. We were tactile then, sometimes holding hands, very often cuddling on the sofa, but still guarded in many ways. I knew that I had feelings for him then, but I didn’t know what they were exactly. It was mostly just nice. Saying goodbye had been difficult, and at the moment that it hurt so badly to pry myself away, to detach, I had started to understand.

At the airport in Denver now, I waited and waited, feeling tortured by the slow progression of time. Eventually I looked down at my phone for something and Amoni said “Oh hey, is that him?” At first I didn’t see him and thought she was teasing me. Then I did. I sort of threw my stuff at Amoni and ran, more wildly than I usually would ever run in a public place. I was careful not to knock him over when I started hugging, but I basically threw myself into it. It was the best feeling. I thought that my heart was going to pop with joy. Then we kissed. It was the first time we ever had, and we did it for ages right in the middle of the crowded airport. It was perfect, perfect, perfect. We eventually went back to regular hugging, and exchanged our first “I love you” that wasn’t through a microphone or typing.

“We should probably go find Amoni. I kinda threw all my stuff at her and ran over here,” I finally told him, and we did. Amoni was the first of my friends at home to be introduced to him, and that was exciting, too.

First picture of us together as a couple! 

We went to baggage claim to get Paul’s stuff, and then to the shuttle to pick up our rental car and I was super hyped up, talking way too fast, unable to be calm, unable to be still, ridiculously energetic and nervous and excited. I was probably pretty annoying to be around after an insanely long period of traveling, honestly. Butitwasthemostexcitingthingeverandicouldntevenstoptobreathe

Eventually we got the car and said goodbye to Amoni, who I hugged super tightly. She’d taken really good care of me and been incredibly patient in the past few days as I talked about things non stop. Then we were alone together. We stopped somewhere to get food, since Paul was starving, and the pace of things slowed down a little. We were just sitting there talking. We held hands across the table, and he gently rubbed mine. I sometimes fell into nervousness. I’ve mentioned this before, but Paul is the only person with whom I’ve gotten together romantically and not stopped having a crush on. I start acting like someone much younger and less romantically experienced than I actually am. I get nervous and blush. It’s kind of cute, I guess. I felt this very, very much this first day.

There’s another thing. I was aware of Paul and liked him for longer than I actually knew him, just the way that anyone who is a consumer of spanking content has people that they particularly favor watching. It just happened to work out that we got along amazingly and work quite ideally as a couple in the real world. Sometimes, though, I experience derealization about this. It was like my brain was not sure how to process so much happiness, and it wondered if it was just some kind of dream. A few times, I hugged Paul and said “I’m so happy that you’re real.” Because it was real. All of this was real.

After we ate, I drove us to the cabin. The landscape got increasingly prettier as we got further away, and I didn’t really struggle with the driving at all, although I’d been afraid that I would. I’m not a very experienced driver yet– I got my license a year and a half ago. But it was fine.

The cabin was not particularly difficult to find, and it was nicely secluded, which would do well for the activities that we had planned. The area was beautiful, full of conifers and a few aspens, with a thick layer of pine needles covering the forest floor. I grew up in Southern New Jersey and while I lived at the shore, my grandparents lived in a small house in the Pine Barrens. The forest was like a giant version of that where I played as a child, and the much larger height of the trees here made me feel particularly physically small: a feeling that I cherish and enjoy. The cabin was the only building on a street called “Owl Drive.” This was perfect: my mascot animal is a stuffed owl. They’re a favorite.

The cabin was built and furnished in the late 60’s, I think. It had a big screen porch, a living room with a stone fireplace, comfortable sofas, a kind of crazy orange shag carpet and a deer head mounted over the mantle, staring at us slightly eerily. The kitchen was small and full of old appliances and cook wear, but functional. There was a small diningroom table on which we found a basket of basic supplies. To the right was a study. I’m quite sure that the presence of this room was probably key in Paul selecting this particular cabin. Studies are the perfect place for serious spankings, in my mind, and I got to fantasizing just looking at the desk.

To the left was a very small restroom with the world’s littlest shower and two bedrooms. One had two twins and would be used for very little. We set our stuff down in the master bedroom. I excitedly looked in all the drawers and cabinets, as I often do in a new place. Then Paul pulled me into another kiss, which filled me with happiness and excitement. Real. Real. Real.

Slowly he undressed me down to my carefully selected panties (white ones printed with “I love you” that I had once sent him photos of to cheer him up) and then turned me over his lap on the edge of the bed. Then he spanked me. It started tender and lovingly, then built up in intensity, making me gasp and wriggle. Nothing in that moment could have been better. I almost cried from being so happy. The spanking seems infinitely long in my mind, but I’m sure it wasn’t, since we were both fairly physically worn out from the day. I just floated there in a safe, loved, warm, glowing, submissive headspace, feeling totally at home over his lap, like I belonged nowhere else in the world.

Eventually, this devolved into cuddling. I’m a very physical person. My body is always hungry for touch, and I love to be held. Our cuddling was always perfect, and I never wanted it to end. There was so much safety and love and happiness to be found wrapped up in Paul’s arms with my head on his chest. Eventually, though, there was a knock on the door, which Paul went to answer as I had not yet gotten dressed again. It was the owner of the cabin, checking to make sure we’d arrived safely and were all set. As Paul talked to him, I got back into my dress and snuck out, hoping I didn’t look too disheveled. After the cabin owner was satisfied that we were fine and took off, we decided that we should probably head into town and find something to eat for dinner. The nearest town was Nederland, which is a small kind of hippy-filled mountain tourist town. The first place that appeared open was a giant German-American restaurant called “The Black Forest Inn.” We decided to eat there.

This was one of the top ten strangest places I’d ever eaten. It was ENORMOUS. It clearly sat 300 people or something, but there was no one there but us and our awkward, faux-German waiter. Our food was strange and not particularly good, and we kind of laughed at the absurdity of the giant, Hansel and Gretel looking restaurant that was only open to service us. We decided that we would not be going back there to eat again. 😛

After eating, we went back to the cabin where we spent the rest of the evening enjoying each other, sharing time that was intimate and magical.
Everything in my life was shiny and wonderful.

I had a few other delightful adventures when I was in Denver, before it was Cabin Time. One involved taking photos with Amoni. Amoni is one of my best friends, and a wonderful photographer. We’ve done a lot of different sorts of shoots before, but this time we decided to explore the Lolita type space that I sometimes enjoy occupying. Our friend, Cupcake, did my hair for me and Amoni picked out my outfit. The shoot was extra fun.

We also had a night that involved a bit of partying. I don’t really get drunk very much. Despite the fact that I’m still extremely young, I somehow feel like I’m too old for that. I suppose I overdid it when I was in high school and college. I also have a ridiculously low tolerance for alcohol, so I don’t even try to keep pace with my friends. I did, however, drink this tiny bottle, which was actually good (we mostly bought it because LOL IT IS CALLED KINKY!) and a thing of blackberry cider, which was pretty weird. You can see my silly looking drinky face. 😛 We also hung out with friends DarkSteven and DarkStevensGirl, who did not appear in this photo, and a really clingy basset hound called Bonnie who wanted to sit on everyone despite being way too big for that.

Cupcake, myself and Amoni. Amoni’s bangs are the cutest ever.

I have no sense of chronology anymore, but at one point I went to hang out with my super good friend and retired model, Sophie Grey. We met up with Danny Chrighton, whose name I’ve been spelling wrong on this blog since the start of time. Excuse to spank me in the future? After we all got together, we walked to a sushi restaurant near Sophie’s place and had an excellent meal. We walked around and got ice cream, which always raises the quality of my day. We decided to go to Goodwill, mostly because I wanted to and Sophie and Danny said it was a great one. So in we went. I kept finding everything vaguely school skirt-ish pretty instantly, but nothing was the right fit for either Sophie or I. Then we went through the “Wares” department, where we discovered something that felt super out of place: a paddle.
It was just a fraternity paddle, sitting there among the random plastic bowls and old clocks. I don’t have a clear photo of it, but it was big and hardwood and heavy. It had a set of Greek letters on it, and then the list of all the brothers from that house written on it. Sophie and I decided to buy this, but felt super awkward and weird walking around carrying it. Here’s possibly the worst photo of me that I’ve uploaded to this blog in the past few years (I recently looked at a bunch of my old posts and I used to be a lot sillier looking than I am now. Wow.)

This is me posing with my ice cream cone and trying to be nonchalant about the fact that I’m holding a big fucking paddle!

This whole thing was made even more awkward by the fact that it was us two girls with Danny buying it, and that Sophie and I couldn’t stop giggling, and that I didn’t have enough cash to cover it and had to borrow a dollar from Danny. Poor boy at the Goodwill checkout. -_-

We carried this around in a bag while we stopped for supplies, then we went back to Sophie’s place. We decided that we wanted to remove the part that has all the boy’s names on it (since it’s kind of a piece of paper that’s attached with varnish and is aging weirdly, and because this paddle’s new job is spanking girls). I don’t know if these sorts of paddles are some sort of collector’s item or anything, but I haven’t done this, so if it’s a horrible idea, someone should let me know. Anyway, we decided to leave it alone and not get spanked with it that night.

We watched TV and had some cider (yes, I basically only drink cider when I drink alcohol) and then started watching videos that the three of us had done in the past which we thought were funny. Danny had the best one: a video that he did for Spanked Call Girls where he did a “pimp accent” while spanking Leia Ann Woods. Infinitely entertaining.

Eventually, it got late and became time for some actual spankings, instead of just videos. 😀 Danny had brought over a couple of implements, and Sophie and I lay on the bed next to each other while he took turns spanking one of us and then the other. It started out as soft and gentle, but grew in intensity, as spankings are wont to do. I like getting spanked with Sophie. She really obviously enjoys being spanked. She’s super relaxed and makes lots of happy noises, and that sort of pushes me into a similar space. Eventually, though, Danny got out a cane and started giving us taps with this. In the same natural and undeniable progression, this began to grow into full fledged strokes, making both of us yelp and wiggle. “Danny!” Sophie protested, “this is supposed to be a good girl spanking!”

“It is!” Danny said. “This is a nice, gentle bedtime caning for good girls.” He gave her another moderately hard stroke.

“You can’t just make something nice by saying that it is!” she pouted.

“I’m pretty sure that’s actually how it works,” Danny said, pleased with himself. Sophie and I made sad faces at him, but this obviously did nothing. This was tragic, because we minded the caning SO MUCH (yeah, no we didn’t!).

After he’d finished caning us, Danny remembered that he had his belt on, so he took this off and applied it to us. It was very nice. Belting has become a favorite spanking activity recently: it seems to be just the right mix of sting and thud, and often very well distributed. Like I mentioned before, there’s something hot and manly about taking a belt off. This particular segment was especially enjoyable.

When the belting was over, we got a cool down and then a nice lotion rub and I found myself in the “no bones syndrome” kind of state, where I couldn’t just get up and walk and had to roll around like I was lacking any actual muscular control. I sort of rolled back into my panties and then into bed, where the three of us cuddled all night. Friends who cuddle in bed together are the best kinds of friends.

While in Denver I also did a bondage shoot, which is something that I’m still fairly new at. This shoot was with The Monk of Mayhem. He was a really personable and nice guy, and I enjoyed chatting with him when I wasn’t gagged. 🙂 Bondage is intense and serious business, but I find filming it to be gratifying. There’s a lot of discomfort associated with bondage, largely in the form of being stretched in odd ways for longer than my body wants to be and in the horrible pins and needles feeling that comes when I’m finally untied from a pose. This is extremely different than the kinds of pain that I’m used to, and it’s a bit strange for me, but it’s never been “bad.” The primary word that I have to describe it is “interesting.” Sometimes it’s intense. Sometimes it doesn’t even feel kinky to me. It’s almost always very aesthetically pleasing, though:

Photo by The Monk of Mayhem

The whole time that all this stuff was happening, though, my mind was often elsewhere. I was constantly aware of how many days were left before Paul arrived to visit me, and I got increasingly more excited and jittery as the number of days got lower and lower. The night before he was to get here, I could hardly sleep. I kept waking up and wondering if it was the time that I was supposed to leave to pick him up from the airport yet, which it of course was not.
I finally slept, though, and woke up surprisingly refreshed. The day that followed was one of the best ever. You’ll hear about it in the next post.

Hi, everyone!
I’ll have a real post for you before the weekend is over, but I wanted to let you know that I’ve done some site maintenance. The following changes have been made:

  • All banner ads were removed, in an attempt to avoid problems relating to Google’s new policies regarding Adult Content blogs. It cleans things up, anyway.
  • New tabs were added under the header: Shoot With Me, Spank Me, Resume and Credits and Where is Alex?  
  • The “Shoot With Me” tab replaced the old “Modeling FAQ” tab and has more complete information. 
  • The “Spank Me” tab has information about private sessions. 
  • The “Resume and Credits” tab includes a lot of information that was previously scattered throughout the main page in one place, for people who are interested in what work I’ve done in the past and who I’ve worked with. If you appear on my list of performers that I’ve worked with but don’t remember filming with me, it’s probably because of the TASSP schoolgirl promo from 2012. If you don’t appear in the section you think you should in this tab, please email me and I’ll add you. I’m very sorry you were forgotten. 
  • “Where is Alex” is another new tab, and it’s the home of my travel schedule on my blog, because that’s important information that was previous lacking. 
  • If you’re only here to know about me as a girl and here about my stories and you’re not interested in the modeling stuff, it’s super easy not to click on the links relating to that. Yay!
  • The “General FAQ” tab has been removed because a lot of the information included therein is no longer all that relevant. I’m always willing to answer questions via email or anonymously via my Tumblr
  • I renamed the “About Me” section to “Oh hai!” because that alone is a lot about me. 🙂 I’ve updated this section as well as my Blogger user icon. I decided that I prefer to have a tiny picture of my overwhelmingly happy face instead of my tearstained one. Take from this what you will about my attitude these days. (Still love being spanked until I cry, always will).
  • I updated the text in my contact box. I still can’t get Blogger to let me add a link to my email there. You have to copy+paste. Lamesauce. Sorry. 
  • I removed some of my “Noteworthy Posts” because of shifting attitudes and a need for updated information. I’ll eventually add some more there, but for now I’m still playing catch up. 
  • I added several links on my “Sites on Which I Appear” section. I also changed the title wording to that since there’s now a non-spanking site in the list, and I’d gotten emails asking if I was actually on all those sites or if they were just links. I know it’s kind of a ridiculously long list. It’s been a busy two years. Please note that if I shot for your site and you don’t appear there, it may be because my content hasn’t appeared on your site yet and I’ll post your link when it does. If I’m actively available on your site and you have no link, drop me a line and I’ll correct my error!
  • I removed all blogs from my links that haven’t updated in over three months and haven’t posted information regarding a planned hiatus. 
  • I added several new-to-me blog links that I’ve discovered since my last site update. If you’d like your blog linked to here and I don’t have you up, please leave a comment with your link so I can check it out. Chances are, I’d be thrilled to include you. 🙂 
  • I re-ordered the links to list in alphabetical order instead of by most recent update, since this ordering seemed to be broken. I’ve included a stamp of most recent update time instead. I apologize to Beth for her blog having to live at the bottom of the list. 🙂 
  • I don’t know how to make a list of labels on my blog. I realize that this is probably really easy. Can someone comment and let me know how to do? Right now, I think the labels are probably a huge waste of time. 

I still need to do another Cast of Characters page update. In the past, I’ve had a couple of people with hurt feelings because they didn’t appear on the cast page. I’m super sorry about this if I’ve left you off. I never intentionally ignore someone here. While I do, occasionally simply forget to include someone, it’s more likely that you simply hadn’t appeared in the narrative yet when I last did my update. This is currently NOT up to date and will get there… eventually. (I’m no longer making time-based promises about when stuff will get done, aside from my two updates per week)
I want this blog to be easy to read, visually appealing and well laid out, so I welcome any feedback about these updates, or other changes you’d like to see. 
I usually don’t post links to individual posts that I enjoyed like some bloggers do, but I’ve gota couple things for you to check out, if you’re interested. 🙂

  • Erica Scott recently wrote a post which is very near and dear to my heart, and partially inspired by a situation that I had to deal with. Everyone should read this. 🙂 
  • Pandora Blake has a post about Marks Fetishism that was very resonate for me. Highly recommended. 
  • Beth Eisley mentioned on Fet the other day that she had recently gotten her first rude comment ever on this post. It’s a super adorable and really sweet post.  The rude commenting boggles the mind. -_-
  • Christy Cutie wrote about our experience at TASSP, in a post that includes a lot of cute photos. Christy is just cute. You should take a peek. 

This is all for now. More coming soon!

Following my trip to Texas and about a week of downtime in South Dakota, I took off for Denver. This was the start of a series of ridiculously wonderful adventures and I’m very glad to be sharing them now! I arrived in Denver with the plan to visit with Amoni for a while (and of course take photos together) and shoot for Real Spankings before heading off to a cabin with Paul for over two weeks of alone time. Amoni got me from the airport and we had a series of nice adventures together, including but not limited to attending a Scarlet Moons spanking party for an evening, jumping on her trampoline (is this a theme? Yes, yes it is) and a delightful photo shoot.

The night before my Real Spankings shoot, I was feeling a little bit nervous. I’ve shot with them two other times before, and had a wonderful, if very painful experience both times. The first time, I was topped by Betty Blaze for all of my scenes. This was very comfortable for me, because we got along well right away and I felt like it was easy for me to be myself around her. I felt a bit nervous when I had to do clips that involved me being interviewed on camera because that’s not my strongest suit, but the actual spankings were really fun and enjoyable to film.

One of my first RSI scenes. This hurt and was very sore after, but the scene was really immersive and fun to film!

The second day that I filmed it was with Danny Creighton topping me. I’d met and hung out with Danny before, and we’d played at a Scarlet Moons party a few months before that, so I felt very at ease being spanked by him. The details of that shoot are in this post, but it was both fun and challenging, since I did the “School Swats” and “School Strokes” series and those were both quite hard spankings.

From my second shoot.

The shoot that I was getting ready for was going to be with Michael Masterson. I’d never met him before, and I’d been told by everyone who had worked with him that he was very nice and personable. He’d also been very friendly towards me on the internet. That said, I was pretty intimidated. I’d been watching him spank girls crazy hard for… years. It’s also always a bit weird for me when I meet someone in real life who I had been aware of on the internet for a long time. I feel kind of shy and self conscious around them. This was at it’s most severe when I first met Paul, because I’d had an internet crush on him for a long time (sidenote: yes, I realize that my current situation is one that people usually don’t get to have. Luckiest girl on the internet, right here!) so I was extremely shy around him and kept sort of looking at the floor and talking in a quiet voice. With Michael, I felt pretty confident about the idea of meeting him and talking to him, but I was a bit jittery at the thought of being spanked by him. During the time in my life where marking and obvious severity were important to me in the content that I viewed, I’d looked at a lot of his work because it really satisfied those requirements. I’d seen countless girls reduced to tears by him over the years. Was I next?

When I arrived at the filming location, I was full of nervous energy. We hadn’t really planned out any shoot ideas in advance, but I knew we were going to do four scenes, split between the two sites. I came into the house and saw Betty, who I’m always happy to see. She’s friendly and fun, and I really enjoy being around her at shoots. Then I met Michael, who was very friendly and personable. I hope I didn’t act too nervous as we sat on the sofas and chatted, so he could get to know me a little bit. I talked about other shoots I’d done, and my personal preferences. At one point, he mentioned how he’s always had trouble finding other good Tops for the site.

“Oh yeah, I remember you writing that on your blog in like, 2005.” I said. I *did* remember that. Michael’s blog was one of the first ones that I followed (along with spanking blog and Adele Haze’s blog. I don’t know why those three were the ones I got into, I just found them and started reading :D) and I distinctly remember the post in which he discussed what it took to be a good Top on film and how difficult it was to find people who fit those requirements.

I think Michael was pretty surprised that not only was I very familiar with his sites and all the content that they’d done over the years but that I was able to remember details from eight year old blog posts. I worried that this made me creepy, but I know that personally I find it very complimentary when people can converse with me in a way that makes it obvious that they actually read what I write, so I hoped he took it the same way.

We then started talking about what my limitations in terms of what I’d want to do were. I felt pretty open for anything, but I was honest about one thing that was important to me. “I’d rather do my most severe scene OTK, since that position makes it much easier for me to take something hard.” Real Spankings does a lot of bent over positions, even lunge position type spankings and if I’m getting spanked particularly hard, I start to be afraid that I’m going to fall over in these poses. I *can* take hard spankings in these positions, but if I don’t have to focus on holding myself up, I feel more vulnerable and safe and react better. Michael asked me what kind of thing I was thinking of. “I could go for a hard spanking with a hairbrush or something like that,” I suggested.

Masterson was obviously pleased by this suggestion. Apparently a lot of girls don’t just show up and ask for hard hairbrush spankings. I do! That kind of scene is very core to my kink, and I love it when I can do videos that embrace the things that are very “me” like that. The fact that we decided to do that as a school girl scene made it even better.

We then got on to doing our first two scenes. They’re for Real (not RSI) and haven’t been released yet. The first one was a pretty long and hard hand spanking scene. I felt a bit nervous as we started, but the scene was straight forward and moved very quickly into the spanking, and as soon as it started, I felt calmer. It was hard, and certainly not playful, but it felt quite comfortably within my tolerance, and I appreciated the fact that he wasn’t trying to intimidate me right out the door and was obviously concerned about my emotional comfort, not just with making a great scene. This felt very mentally good, and I took the rest of the spanking in a good headspace.

The second scene was immediately following the first, as it was a “part two” in the same story. In this scene, I got belted. I used to be kind of fearful of belts, but the more I get spanked with them, the more I’ve come to find that they fit very nicely into certain parts of my kink. They’re very traditionally masculine, and I like the use of everyday objects for violent purposes :D. For this scene, I was bent over the bed and I tried my best not to move from my position too much. The belt hurt, though. Lots and lots. I cried out and struggled a little bit, but again, I felt very secure throughout the entire scene.

We took a bit of a break after that, and then moved to doing the Real Spankings Institute scenes. The first one of these was a strapping scene where I was bent over and holding onto the railing in the hallway. I liked the very public and on-the-spot nature of the scene. The strap hurt plenty, too. It carried a lot more weight than the belt had, and each stroke made me jut forward a bit and whimper or cry out.

My bottom is red and my face is concerned. 🙂

This scene had a somewhat longer spanking, although again it got to the action pretty quickly. My character was a little bit sulky about what was happening to her. It’s very unfair being me sometimes!


I was impressed with Michael’s technical finesse, although it makes sense, since he’s been doing this for a long time. My bottom was covered in a box of red, without any strokes deviating from where they should have been. Perfect coverage and a lot of soreness.

We went on to film the final scene immediately after this one, pretty much. The idea was that in the first scene, The Dean had come to get me to strap me because I’d gotten in trouble by the Head Girl earlier in the day and he had warned me that if I had to be punished again that week, it would be severe before sending me off to class. I suppose I just sat in my room and pouted for a little while, because I then realized that I was late for class and came thundering down the staircase. This meant running in actual corridors with carrying schoolbooks. Fun. I wish I could do that all the time! (I suppose I could just do this in my apartment, but that’s not very fun.)

The Dean, of course, caught me, and was impressed with my incorrigibility (thanks, so am I! It’s a talent, getting into so much trouble) since he had just spanked me in the hallway a few minutes before. He asked me why I was late and I responded with “It’s your fault, because you were spanking me!”

Not my best plan. I was quickly lead into the lounge, where he returned with a brush. This was no ordinary hairbrush, but a Vermont Country Store bathbrush. If you aren’t familiar, it’s basically a legendary implement because it hurts. A lot. It’s a very unforgiving wood, and it has a fairly long handle for the size of the spanking surface, which means that it gets a lot of momentum and then throws that all down over a small area. Michael warned me in advance that it’s the kind of thing that when used as hard as he was going to (gulp) would often leave a girl particularly bruised. I wasn’t worried about this. Between the amount of spanking that I get on a regular basis, my skin care regime and the foods that I make sure I include in my diet, my butt rarely ever meets it’s match anymore, and while things hurt like hell still, I never really end up looking damaged.

Michael put me over his lap and started to spank me with the brush, scolding me about my irresponsibility and attitude. The brush was tremendously painful. It was blinding, clarifying pain: the kind of thing where I simply can’t think about anything else. I just existed in that moment, with my white panties down around my knees and my bottom pushed up where it was most accessible to that horrible brush which collided with me again and again and again. I wailed and my face contorted with pain. I struggled a bit, throwing my hand back. Masterson caught it and held it firmly, and this pacified me a bit as the spanking continued. It was horribly wonderful. I felt sore and swollen and my flesh was burning hot by the time that it was finished. My throat hurt from wailing so much. It was exactly the kind of scene that I had wanted.

After I caught my breath from this last scene, I felt very pleased with myself. In a way, it had been just as severe as I had been worried it would have been, but this hadn’t been a hinderance to me. It was hardly even a challenge. It was delightful to engage in such a tough scene. I was full of endorphins and adrenaline, and felt on cloud nine. I did it! I took it and took it well. 😀

Once I had done my paperwork, Amoni got to come in and view the sets and meet everyone, which was very exciting for her, since she’s also a fan of the sites. I excitedly told her all about the spankings I had gotten and showed her my butt.

It hurt to sit in the car on the way back to our friends’ house were we were going to hang out. I squirmed in the seat a bit. Once we did get back, Amoni gave me a long lotion rub to soothe my skin and help me to calm down from my jittery excitement. She’s a very good friend.

It’s shiny from lotion, but basically magenta colored. See? No real bruising! 😀

I’m very happy with the way that this shoot went, and I think that the videos are great. You should probably go check them out. I can’t wait until I get to go shoot for them again: I’m hoping to maybe get out in that direction again before the end of the summer. We’ll see.

I met Mila Kohl last year at TASSP. TASSP just ended. This means that I’ve only known Mila for one year. It feels like I’ve known her forever. Mila is one of my best friends, and she’s my scene sister. Our sisterly relationship takes several different forms. I sometimes worry about her and dote on her (insisting that she triple check things, buying her stuff that I perceive as really important like school uniforms et cetera) and sometimes, I break down around her and she helps to put me back together. She’s one of the people with whom I’ve had the most fun ever, and we can make something really not exciting like driving around in Dallas into the silliest, most enjoyable time ever. We also interact in a way that’s fairly new to me, too. We bicker.

Mila and I can spend an infinite amount of time going back and forth with virtual biting, hair pulling, whining, teasing and, most importantly, tattling. There was a time when my attitude was: “Virtual bratting? That’s lame.” With Mila, I’ve embraced a love for these antics when they don’t annoy the other people involved in them. I realize that this is about 45% of my twitter feed ever since I convinced Mila to get twitter (@MilaKohl, if you aren’t already following her), so I can’t really say for sure that I’m not bothering anyone, but eh, it’s my part of the internet. I can do what I want there. As always, the introduction of this doesn’t mean that it’s going to permeate the rest of my relationships and dynamics. It’s just another option.

As Paul and I started developing our relationship following my visit to England, Mila discovered that she could actually tattle on me to someone, which took things to a whole new level of ridiculousness. I will totally an unabashedly admit that this is awesome.

Shortly after BBW, I went to Texas to visit WearYouOut and LilLawBrat, and to have adventures with Mila. On the day that I showed up to Mila’s place, we were both in really high spirits. I was excited to be on an adventure, and I had broken out of some gloom that I’d let fall on myself before that. Mila was excited to have the company, and she was getting ready for her trip to the UK. The first hour that I was at her house was one of the most ridiculous ones in my life, in an amazing way. She showed me her mass amount of kittens:

There are like, five there, all staggered. It’s not easy to hold five wiggly kittens.

There was much embracing. Possibly too much, if there’s such a thing:

Then we went and jumped on her trampoline, during which time I told her quite over-excitedly that Paul and I had started being in a relationship and doing D/s officially, although we didn’t put this on the internet for a few more days. I think everyone should try this at least once in their lives: tell your best friend really exciting news while jumping on a trampoline. Maybe that’s not as fun if you don’t a best friend as awesome as Mila. I don’t know. Eventually, jumping on a trampoline got tiring and we kind of collapsed happily.

It was then determined that we needed to go to the thrift store to try to find Mila a school uniform, because she didn’t have one of her own and that hurt my heart. I don’t think it mattered all that much to her, but I really wanted her to have one because it mattered to me. While we drove there, we listened to music loudly in the car, singing along at the top of our lungs. I love driving around in Texas when I’m not in Dallas because I think that it’s beautiful: lots of sky, green everything, beautiful wild flowers. The landscape just felt joyful. I took my joy out on Mila, shoving her and teasing her (but joyfully, of course!) until we made up and I gave her in-car cuddles.

Best spelling and grammar on a sign ever. Thanks, Texas!

Following our shopping adventure, Mila and I decided that we were hungry so we headed to a Hibachi restaurant. While there, we sat at a table with other people so we *tried* to talk about things quietly, except both of us were incredibly excited about what we were saying. At one point, I dipped my hair in soysauce without knowing it, then tossed my head back and… failed. Mila is never letting that story go, ever, so I’m just going to be open about it.

That night, Mila and I recorded the most epic, 20+ minute video blog of all time. It was amazing, and incredibly incriminating because it has me shoving her right on camera. It also included Mila balancing one of her cats on her head without injury. It was cute and funny and full of win… but we didn’t record any sound by accident. If I ever figure out how, I might make some GIFS of some of the more adorable parts. For now, it’s our lost masterpiece. I had a crazy tantrum when I discovered the lack of sound. Not even funny. Tragic and awful. That night, we tried to go to sleep but couldn’t stop talking. It just kept going. Something funny would pop into one of our minds and we’d break into giggle fits again. The ridiculosity continued even after I fell asleep: I apparently turned to Mila and said, in my sleep “Mila, we need this ice cream! It’s made by bees!”

Either the next day or the day after that, I P.A.ed while Mila filmed for Firm Discipline. I’m not linking to a site because the site is currently not active. It’s down pending changes, but they’re still shooting and making awesome stuff, and it will be back before too long. The film that Mila did was pretty adorable. Mila was in trouble for supposedly committing breaking and entering. The situation was kind of silly, though, and *I* don’t think it was a fair accusation, but no one asks me these things. (Let’s take a moment to notice that I’m sticking up for Mila. Ok, back to regular stuff now.) The spanking was entirely done by hand, but it was really, really hard, and Mila cried beautifully. Poor Mila crying. It shatters the heart. She’s so sweet and vulnerable, and her eyes are so pretty when she cries. For someone who spends probably a quarter of her time trying to get Mila in trouble, it was actually tough to watch her getting spanked, even though it was for a video. I just wanted to… stop what I was doing and run and hug her. Because of the love.

I also did the photography for this set. I’m not a pro, but I think I did okay. Mila’s butt looks amazing, of course. 

Once filming was over, I had to cuddle Mila obsessively. Her face just gets so damn sad.

She just needs cuddling! And then more cuddling!

We spent a little bit more time together after that, but soon she had to take off for England. While she was there she had a whole boat load of adventures. I spent another few days hanging out in Texas and geting my sunbathing on:

I also did my own video for Firm Discipline. This came from a conversation that I had with WYO, who runs the site in which I talked about the sorts of scenes that I got particularly interested in while I was in England. We talked about my interest in the institutional type scenes and the dark, non consensual type of roleplay. The scene that we wrote wasn’t as horribly dark as some of them, but it was ridiculously, awfully unfair AND it let me play a catty character instead of the sweet, innocent type girls I often gravitate towards and this was exciting. The scene starts off with me being sentenced to a particular number of strokes via a letter with ambiguos writing. The Top interprets it as much more severe than I do, but I (as a character) don’t realize this until I think that the punishment is over, and I discover it’s only halfway there. I then proceeded to freak out, argue and have a holy-come-apart about it, during which time I started crying. It’s very, very rare for me to *start* crying during a non-spanking part of a video, but I think it makes the film wonderful when it can happen. I was just so deeply involved in my character that getting the rest of the strokes I was due seemed impossible and I truly felt the desperation of trying to get out of them and discovering I was trapped. 

Meanwhile, Mila had arrived safely in England and was in the care of Paul and Lucy. Do you remember The Cake of Ultimate Joy? Well, apparently Paul took Mila for some of it, while I was all far away and unable to get any cake. It was the least fair moment of my life.*
Fuck you guys and your stupid cakes. >_<
I may or may not have had an enormous fit that involved breaking something when I saw this photo on twitter. I died a little bit. Paul and Mila are both lucky that I love them so damn much. 😛 (she does look pretty cute holding the cake, I’ll give her that). 
Mila of course, filmed while she was overseas and produced some gorgeous content. I’ll be sharing some of this in an upcoming Mila interview, so you can look forward to that. 
In the meantime, follow her on Twitter (@MilaKohl) where you’ll see us do what we do: call each other names and “electronically” shove each other around. 
I’m so freaking lucky to have someone like Mila in my life. She keeps me happy and having fun, and I love her no matter what.

I’ve been trying to get through a ton of the adventures that I’ve had recently, and I find this kind of a struggle sometimes, just because I get overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff that I have to write about and I want to get it done before anything else noteworthy happens, which means that I *certainly* want to get it finished and published before I leave for Chicago Crimson Moon. I’ve also recently gotten kind of addicted to using my tumblr, which is chock full of instant gratification and horribly distracting. -_-
I recently sat down and wrote a bunch of stuff at once, except that all of those posts are waiting on one thing or another that I need to get from other people. During this time, I had a skype date with my friend Peachy Keane (the girlfriend of my previous Dom, IG/scotchgrove, and a close friend of mine for several years). While we were talking I complained that I was feeling kind of burned out on what I was writing and I needed a break. She created this game for me, to give me a chance to write about stuff in short answers that’s at least moderately interesting (I hope!) but is easy and straight forward for me. I had fun with this, and I hope you have fun reading it. As always, if you have questions you want me to answer, you can leave them in the comments, email them to me at or put them in my inbox on the above-linked tumblr. I do enjoy this stuff. 😀

Ten bands or musicians you listen to the most often: 
According to my iTunes, it goes like this:
1) The Mountain Goats
2) The Smiths
3) The Clash
4) Jets to Brazil
5) Radiohead
6) Bright Eyes
7) Red Hot Chili Peppers
8) R.E.M.
9) Nine Inch Nails
10) Smashing Pumpkins

I also listen to an awful lot of Smog, but I only ever really listen to one track by them, so that shouldn’t count. There are several bands like that. There are a ton of bands that I’ve gone through phases with, but these are the ones that I’ve listened to pretty constantly since college (which was nearly five years ago, because I’m ridiculously old now. -_-)

Nine positions you’ve been spanked in:
When I first saw this question, I almost insisted that Peachy change the position of this question to be a different number because I was pretty sure that there just *weren’t* nine spanking positions. Some creative thinking lead me to the following list, though. This list is in no particular order.
1) OTK, and variants
2) The “legs up” position.
3) Lying flat on bed, or over pillows.
4) Standing, unsupported, or with hands against wall.
5) Bent over in what’s meant to be the touching toes position, but I can’t actually do that.
6) Kneeling on all fours.
7) Standing on a raised object like a step ladder or a crate (this is my all time least favorite possible position, because I have a horrible fear of falling over while being spanked).
8) Bent over across some sort of furniture item.
9) The wheelbarrow position.

I then thought of a whole bunch more than nine positions, including lots of variants  and I was rather pleased with myself.

Eight cities you’ve visited this year:
1) London, England
2) Las Vegas, NV
3) Los Angeles, CA
4) New York, NY
5) Atlantic City, NJ
6) Denver, CO
7) Daytona Beach, FL
8) Dallas, TX

That was kind of just a sampling. I’ve been to more than eight places this year. I’m a very lucky girl to get to do so much traveling. 😀

Seven things you’re looking forward to:
1) Hanging out with a friend tomorrow.
2) Fireworks exist, and I’m probably going to have them in my life soon.
3) My 26th birthday is on July 6th. Birthdays are always nice, although this isn’t a significant one.
4) Chicago Crimson Moon.
5) I’m specifically looking forward to a rather complex school girl roleplay that The Bad Alex, Jon83 and I have planned for that party.
6) Shadowlane. Anyone who isn’t looking forward to Shadowlane isn’t going to Shadowlane.
7) Going back to England in January.

Six things that weren’t your original kink but you discovered you enjoy:
1) Riding crops. I originally found these to fall into two different uncomfortable categories: things that felt really BDSM-y and things that I associated with animals. I still don’t find them visually appealing if just anyone is using them, and I don’t think they make sense in a lot of scene contexts. The cheap, sex-store type makes me go -_-, and I hate it when someone uses one like a cane with a little thing on the end, but I’ve found places where they fit into my kink well. Very well indeed.

2) Being held down. I still don’t really get into being bound, but I originally didn’t like to have ANYTHING keeping me in place besides myself. It was a pride thing. I wanted to be so super-well behaved that I was able to be still for anything (although this was at the same time in my life as I broke a lamp with my Pikachu slipper by sending it flying off my foot in a kicking frenzy, so I’m not always consistant). Once I got over myself (a little, let’s be fair here :P) I realized that I love the feeling of being manhandled into position and firmly held down, having my hand pinned to the small of my back, or my wrists pinned above my head, et cetera.

3) Resistance. Again, I originally wanted to give myself over to everything quietly and calmly. I later discovered that I can really get behind a scene where I protest and struggle and have to be beaten into submission every now and then, if it’s something my partner and I have pre-negotiated.

4) Getting hit on the front of my legs. This has become a huge kink for me, but originally I didn’t want anything to do with it. It felt weirdly inappropriate because it wasn’t on my butt.

5) Kneeling. I was at one point really uncomfortable with the idea of kneeling for any reason. It seemed way to BDSM-y for me, and I resisted the idea a lot. Bit by bit, I went from being comfortable with it to finding it to be wonderfully passive and soothing feeling, in the right context (and only once in a while).

6) Getting hit on the hands. Brain! Why did you even write that?! Horrible. Ugh. WTF, me! I don’t enjoy that. My brain can’t lie to me and say that I do, honestly.

Five spanking photos that don’t involve you that you have saved to your computer:
I originally didn’t want to answer this. I wanted to ask Peachy to give me a different question instead. This is one of the most tremendously vulnerable things that I think a person can ask me, and I’ll probably make an entire post about why at some point. These are the pictures which, over the years, I’ve felt the need to save to my computer to view again. I don’t really do that very often anymore, and my collection has constantly changed over the years because I’d get ashamed (or need the disc space) and delete them all. Here are the requisite samples, though:

Another reason I felt weird about doing this is that I have NO IDEA of the source of some of my photos. I’m super sorry. If this photo is yours, or you know where it’s from, please let me know.  I found and saved this photo fairly recently. The way both parties are dressed and the park bench setting work for me. I also really enjoy having faceless photos sometimes, because then I don’t have to think about someone I know, because honestly, I probably know at least something about most of the people who show up in mainstream spanking photos at this point.


This photo is from Girls Boarding School and it’s some years old, although not as old as some of the stuff I used to keep on my computer. I’m so sorry that I can’t ID the model. This really makes me feel sad. 


I kind of picked a representative photo from this set from Northern Spanking at random, because I like literally all of it. It’s really visually pretty, and I have a crush on Paul. People consistently tell me that I can’t have a crush on someone anymore after they become my partner, but I so do. I see a photo of him and I smile and blush like a high schooler. This makes my life great, because I often run into pictures of him on the internet when I don’t expect to, and it always makes my day. I also run into pictures of him on my computer when I do expect to, because one of the ways that I manage missing him is by enjoying media containing him. 


I’ve had a severity kink since always, but I think I may have been more interested in photos that showed girls looking really marked up, especially if they had marks on their thighs, before I started actually playing and in the early years of me getting spanked. I went through a period of time where severe marking was one of my biggest concerns in photo selection. This one from Pain Toy fit that niche a lot. This no longer really matters to me, because I know how marking works, that it isn’t really a sign of severity as it is about the girl being spanked’s body, and I know what filming is like. Now, I care a lot more about certain themes and aesthetics showing up in pictures and videos.


Except for sometimes, of course. This is what it looks like: it’s a screenshot from a video on Nimue’s World that I took on my phone. I recognize that this is probably super lame, but this is from my all-time favorite spanking video (entitled “I’ve Seen You” and involving Paul and Nimue), and I watch the hell out of it. I don’t think most people would expect this to be my favorite video, because it’s TREMENDOUSLY dark and I don’t talk about that part of my kink as often. I think the fact that I’ve done very little with this part of my kink in the real world is the primary reason that I’m so damn obsessed with watching videos that indulge it.

Four things you’ve tried in the scene but don’t really “do it” for you:
1) Bondage. I’ll do it for videos, but in my personal play, I only either want to submit out of my own free will or be forced and pinned by my partner’s body.
2) Counting, or having to talk a lot while being spanked particularly hard. Again, I *can* do this, but it’s really difficult for me.
3) Being cold while being spanked. I’m beyond over that shit. No. No. No. No. No. No more. Except I’m going back to England in January. So probably yes. I’ll just cry a lot.
4) Anything relating to my nipples. That’s just horribly painful and not in a good way. Ugh.

Three people in the vanilla world you idolize:
1) John Darnielle
2) Terrance Malick
3) Kimya Dawson

Two things you should probably get in more trouble for doing than you do:
1) Some days it feels like I get in less trouble than I deserve for messing with Mila so damn much. Other days, it seems entirely balanced. Even more days, it seems like it’s horribly unfair and it’s all her fault.
2) I pretty much tell on myself for everything that I do wrong, so this question is sort of boring.

One cat that you are obsessed with:
1) Fatface. Fuck yes.

Oh, Hai!


Los Angeles, California, United States

First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

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