Christmas was a thing, wasn’t it?
I hope all of you had a wonderful Christmas! I hope you were all warm and safe and happy, and surrounded by the people that you love.
Personally, I had a kind of quiet Christmas at my family’s home. I got a couple of really nice gifts, a couple of very strange gifts and my aunt entirely forgot me and gave everyone else really nice gifts while giving me nothing. My mother and I fought because I wanted to use seasoning in the food during Christmas dinner and she wanted to serve a lot of bland and boiled things and she ended up winning.
My grandmother, who is ninety three and not particularly well (and a large part of the reason that I’m here for such a long period of time) spent a lot of time introducing herself to me. She insisted that I’m not Alex and wouldn’t believe anyone who tried to tell her otherwise. At one point, she told me that I must be the same age as her granddaughter, but that she doesn’t come visit her much and she hasn’t seen her in a long time. She did recognize me once, on Christmas morning, and that was a relieving feeling. It was shortly followed by her asking where basically every deceased member of our family was. We simply responding by telling her that they aren’t here, but the the reminder that they aren’t was bitter (especially G, of course).
I got to talk to Paul on Christmas Eve, which was the best part of the holiday for me. My mom is very invasive to my privacy, which is part of what makes being at home very hard for me, but I was able to steal away into the room where I’m staying to skype with him. It was similar to the way that I used to sneak off into my bedroom in our old house in order to watch spanking videos as a teen, except now this whole world isn’t just a fantasy one for me: it’s where I live. It reminded me of how hard it would be for my teenage self to believe just how awesome my life is these days, and how lucky I am to get to do something I love so with such wonderful people. Despite my great dislike of this situation, it was also strangely hot to whisper “Shhhh! My mom will hear you!” when Paul said inappropriate things to me.
In other spanking related news, and in what seems to by my family’s time honored tradition, I received something that would make a very good implement. This time, nestled among a few bath products, I received this gem:
It’s always awkward when you get a gift like that from a family member. I later opened it up to look at it and had to sort of clumsily run it through my hair like The Little Mermaid encountering a fork at dinner: I *think* this is what people use this for, right? I had to resist the urge to smack it against my hand, which is the only thing that felt natural to do with it!
I got sick shortly after Christmas and haven’t done too much, hence the fact that it took me five days to finish this post! I don’t mean to make it sound like I don’t care about my family or enjoy spending time with them: it’s just challenging right now. I apologize for being so glum, but things will perk back up soon. I’m hopeful that I can steal away from my family to visit a few friends in the coming days. And soon I’ll be back to Los Angeles, where I’m planning to see a bunch of my wonderful friends there right away. I’ll be shooting with Chelsea Pfieffer for Good Spanking upon my return, too! I haven’t shot for Good Spanking since my first month of spanking modeling so I’m really looking forward to doing that!
I hate to be a bother, but if you haven’t voted for me as Spankee of the Year yet, please consider doing so now! It would certainly cheer me up if I won!
A much more spanking heavy post coming soon! ❤︎
As I mentioned before, Paul is in England until February, leaving me woefully unsupervised. In lieu of running through the neighborhood stealing cars and chopping down trees (which is what he always says will happen if he doesn’t impose rules, structure and discipline in my life) I decided to head to the East Coast (from whence I originally came) to visit friends and family and to do some shooting with producers local to there. If you’re located in within driving distance from central New Jersey or within public transit distance from NYC and want to do a session before January 6th, I have limited availability left before I leave. Email firstname.lastname@example.org and we’ll see if we can set something up.
I left for New York on the evening of the 11th, and had quite the adventure in not sleeping: I had an overnight flight, but had to leave my house in the valley at 9:00 to drive to Rafa and Zeki’s place downtown, since they’re using my car while I’m gone. Rafa then took me to LAX and I did all of the usual airport business, getting on my flight around midnight. I had a layover around 8 AM, Eastern Time, at which point I had not slept. I then got on another flight around 1:00, which got me to NY around 3:00. I went directly from the airport to my first shoot: I don’t actually have the link to the site at the moment, but I’ll update this post when I do, but it was delightfully dark and edgy, including limp/sleepy/chloroform fetish. I was remarkably not dead of actually sleepiness at this point, and I stayed awake even though a lot of the shoot involved me lying around pretending to be asleep! When we finished, they brought me back to the train station and I went up to stay with a vanilla friend in the city. We had to take some time to catch up, of course, but when we headed into her room to go to sleep, we discovered that the heat was broken.
Now, some people can survive when they’re cold. I’m not one of those people. Being cold is a huge deal to me, and it was about 7F outside. My friend’s room was cold enough that we saw our breath indoors. She didn’t have tons of blankets, either, so I just sat up on her air mattress with my coat on and a blanket around me and shivered for most of the night. I didn’t really sleep, because I couldn’t relax in the cold. The next morning I got up and had the hottest shower I could stand. I was quite warmed up by it, and we went out and bought a space heater since the landlord “wasn’t sure” when he could have the heat fixed. Oh dear. 0_0 The space heater was very effective, though! As soon as it got warm, I wanted to crawl into bed and take a nap, but it was time to get ready to visit Kelly Payne for my next shoot for her site, Tantrum Trainers. I’ll hopefully have photos from that the next time that I post. In the meantime, here’s Miss Payne looking sexy as all hell as she takes me to task:
|I really enjoyed being over this lap. 🙂|
That shoot was very laid back and a lot of fun. I get along really well with Kelly, and I certainly consider her one of my friends. We chatted a bit and caught up before we did our scene. It was very long and quite hard, plus it was all done over the knee. I’m wearing some shimmery stockings. This made me very happy. Kelly spanked me so hard for so long with her hand that she actually got a blood blister during the shoot. Fortunately, she had a paddle nearby to switch to nearby. That paddle stung crazily. The hand-spanking had been long and thorough, and it had sort of mesmerized me. My whole existence was hot and swollen as smack after smack fell on my bottom. The paddling cut through that, making each swat a strong peak of sensation. I was actually thinking about this while I was being spanked, at first, before it overwhelmed me: I was imagining making meringue, and watching as “stiff peaks form” as the recipe describes it. I felt like such peaks of sensation and pain were forming for me. Eventually, though, everything blurred together as I reached the point of being overwhelmed (in a good way, of course). I started to cry and to apologize and, near the end, started to have trouble talking. You know a video has actually pushed me when I start insisting that I can’t talk anymore near the end of it (or, in the case of this more severe video, quite early on in the spanking!).
Erica made a post a little while ago about not being able to articulate what happens in her mind during a spanking. I have the same experience. Once it reaches a certain point, it overwhelms my brain’s ability to break sensation down and put it into language. One minute I’m interpreting my spanking through a visual metaphor relating to pie-making, the next, there are no words. It’s just… there. Everything in my mind is the spanking and it exists in a place which, despite my efforts, I can’t reach to describe with language. This is something which commonly happens to me in my “real life” play (it’s pretty normal for Paul to try to talk to me while cuddling me after a scene and for me to insist that I “can’t brain”) but only happens on film every now and again, so it was kind of exciting.
Finally, on Friday night I headed back to my friend’s house and went to sleep, after having been awake since Tuesday morning! Following this, I did some more hanging out and had a series of other traveling related hassles (as tends to happens to me: in addition to a last name, I share the characteristic with Malcolm Reynolds that “things don’t go smooth.”) Eventually, I made my way to Sarah Gregory‘s house in Connecticut. She and her submissive J_Dogg picked me up from the train station and we went to go pick out a Christmas tree for her house. I’m glad that I got to do this with her, since I didn’t have a tree at home before I left. As I mentioned in my last post, my family isn’t really fully celebrating Christmas this year since we’re just trying to get set up in my mom’s new place following losing our house in Hurricane Sandy, so we’re not having a Christmas tree there, either. Last year, I had an adorable, tiny Christmas tree (Malignus allowed my friends to give me one decoration each and this was all he’d permit me to hang up, so a thoughtful friend made her one ornament a little, live tree, complete with lights already on it!) and I stayed in South Dakota for Christmas. The year before, my family didn’t have a real Christmas celebration because instead we were doing my brother’s memorial service. So, decorating the tree with Sarah was the first time I’d done a full sized Christmas tree since 2010, and it was very refreshing to do so! So much so that I put tinsel all over myself:
The tree turned out wonderfully, and Sarah and I got to spend lots of girly time talking and hanging out. The next day, we woke up to find out that the world had been covered in snow (and by “the world” I mean “Sarah’s town” because it was recently brought to my attention that my common use of hyperbole is “awful”). We got dressed up in snow gear to go outside and have a little frolic. For me, “snow gear” meant wearing tights under my skirt and over my knee socks, boots which Sarah had been so kind as to give me since I had none, my new coat and big, pink bow. And braids. Braids are an important part of being in the snow.
Sarah took some photos of me playing outside, and I was really blown away with them. She’s a very good photographer!
|Such winter. Wow. What snow.|
|Oh hai from both of us! 🙂|
The roads were not exactly great that night, and I think most people stayed in their houses, but Sarah and I really needed to get out and do something exciting. Sarah took a shower right before we went out, though, and put her hair up in a wet bun. While she was cleaning off her car, it froze. I poked at it a bunch and it was just… a haircicle. Yiiiiiikes. Soon, we were safely on our way (with Sarah driving very carefully). We went to eat at a Southwestern place which Sarah likes a lot called Mo’s. I’d never had it before, but we had a nice meal there, and I may or may not have abused the fact that you can add flavoring to your soda there. Cherry vanilla lime raspberry coke is actually not as good as it sounds. After dinner, we went to the local mall and got tickets to watch The Hunger Games: Catching Fire, which neither of us had seen yet. We were a bit early as we’d overestimated the amount of time it might take to get to the mall in the snow, so we did a bit of shopping, getting lots of bows and some other cute stuff. We both enjoyed the movie, and we got home safely afterwards where we continued do more girly talking until it was pretty late. We were doing a shoot the next day, so we had to go to bed.
The next morning, Robert Shore (CTPhotographer) came over so we could do our shoot. We filmed a Christmas special which is currently running on Sarah Gregory Spanking called “Not What She Wished For.” In this film, I play a naughty little girl who sneaks down to the Christmas tree to start opening presents without waiting for the rest of her family. When Robert catches me, he scolds me and then turns me over his lap for a spanking, right in front of the tree. I wore some cute pajamas and pigtails and made quite a fuss about getting spanked on Christmas. Originally, I thought that the idea of getting spanked on a holiday was a bit dark, but the scene came out to be very sweet and cute, actually. I played my character as being greatly in need of a spanking, Christmas or not. It was the first time that Robert ever spanked me, but we had great chemistry on camera, I think.
|I’m hiding the present I was opening behind my back and pretending to be innocent, but I’m somewhat delighted with my own mischief and can’t help but smile. I feel that this is a face that Paul probably sees from me on a pretty regular basis at home!|
|It’s Christmas! Who gets spanked on Christmas!? Soooo unfair!|
That evening, I left to go back to NY, as I had a session the next day. I’m glad that Sarah and I finally got to spend some time together, and I feel that we really connected. I’m looking forward to doing more fun stuff with her in the near future! 😀♥
It’s been a little while since I posted: long enough, in fact, that I’ve earned myself a spanking. Maybe I’ll film it and post it here. That would be fair, wouldn’t it? It was my intention to do a Thanksgiving post, but holiday posts are always difficult for me because I am busy celebrating and don’t want to tear myself away from festivities to sit in my office and write something. This post, however, got significantly away from me because I’ve been keeping myself as busy as humanly possible recently, although half of it has been with epically fun things. But I’ve started this, so dammit, I’m going to finish it!
Thanksgiving this year was significant for a fistful of reasons. For one, it was Paul’s first Thanksgiving ever, which made it special! It was also our first real holiday together as a couple: we were together on Halloween but I had a horrible ear infection (I know, adults don’t usually get those. Read what you will about me from this, I guess) and we had to spend the night quietly at home. Finally, Thanksgiving was the last day before Paul left to go back to England for a couple of months: he’s gone until February. As such, it was important that we spend lots of positive time together before he left!
Our Thanksgiving was certainly a bit non-traditional. It was our original intention to go to my mom’s house for the holiday, but since Paul had to leave the next day, that was already sort of in question. Then my mom fell and broke her hip, and she’s been in a recovery facility ever since so she didn’t want to have a bunch of people visiting. My mom and I have had a difficult relationship over the years, but it’s been much better recently. That said, she’s had an awful few years. Two years ago last month, my oldest brother passed away from AIDS. Last October, my family home was swept out to sea in Hurricane Sandy and we lost pretty much everything. My mom was displaced and living with friends for over a year. Just as she was getting ready to move into her new house, she fell and broke her hip. Add on top of this the fact that she has Lupus, and it’s remarkable she makes it through the days. Anyway, I decided to go visit her in a more low-key environment later because that worked out much better for everyone. So, on Thanksgiving, Paul was not introduced to the madness of my extended family which meant that no one got ridiculously drunk, no one tried to sell us Avon products, there were no pregnant teenagers, everyone was properly showered, we had one pie instead of eight, nothing was cooked in a coffee can and all persons at the dinner table believed that the Earth rotates around the Sun.
It also meant that we could just be ourselves, and do things the way we pleased to instead of the way we were “supposed to.” This meant that before I even started cooking dinner on Thanksgiving, I had a Final Exam. This started months ago, during our trip to Colorado, with a book about Bears. I’m obsessed with bears. Obsesssssssssssssssssed. I just think that they’re the cutest animal ever. The fact that I visited a bear park on multiple occasions and even got to pet an infant bear cub has only increased my excessive fondness. When we were staying in the mountains, it was my greatest hope that I would encounter a bear (at a safe distance, of course). We never did, although we did see some adorable wild elk with fuzzy, velvety antlers and a couple of gophers/woodchucks/groundhogs/generic small chumbly creatures. In place of a real life bear encounter, Paul bought me a book full of delightful bear photographs and chock full of important facts about my favorite fuzzy friends. When we were apart, I found myself reading it as I fell asleep and remembering our trip together, and soon my trivial and useless bear knowledge was getting excessive. Did you know that baby Black Bears (Ursus americanus) cubs spend up to 60% of their time in trees, and often nap or sleep up there? That some subspecies of the Brown Bear (Ursus arctus) include the Grizzly Bear and the Kodiak Bear? That the darkness of a North American bear’s fur is in direct proportion to the dampness of the climate in which it lives? I was probably insufferable if I got started talking about this. One day, a friend came to visit and brought up the fact that bears can climb trees (HE brought it up!) and I had to sit on my hands and force myself not to turn the next hour into Bearfacts o’clock.
So, it was decided (probably mostly by me, to be honest) that I should have an exam about bears. It would combine my never ending desire to play school with my new found obsession. Paul wrote the test and I studied, taking 12 pages of handwritten notes to review from. On Thanksgiving, I did a last minute cram before I donned a school uniform, got out my pencil case and sat at the kitchen table to write the exam:
Once I had completed a page of short answer questions and written a two page essay about the process of hibernation, Paul took my paper into his study to grade. Giddy from the fun I had with this sort of play, I then put an apron on (yes, right over my uniform!) and started to make dinner. Since there were only two of us, we ended up having a roast chicken instead of a turkey, but I made it with (what I consider) traditional breadcrumb stuffing. I also made mashed potatoes, carrots, corn bread and a from scratch apple pie. It was a feast for the two of us, and everything turned out wonderfully.
As I cooked, in the kitchen of my sweet little house, feeling happy and healthy and safe, I was very aware of how much I had to be grateful for. I live in a place which truly feels like my home and I spend my time with people who love me and with whom I can be myself completely. I have a job which I adore and which allows me to do the things I’m most passionate about while meeting and getting to know lots of new people. The weather is so warm that in November, I was still constantly getting scolded for walking outside without putting on shoes. I have my cats, and they’re adorable and make me happy. I’m in love with someone who loves me back, and who values and respects me and who instead of saying “Stop being so weird, Alex?” takes delight in the things that make me giddy and writes me exams about bears.
In a certain way, all this was bittersweet because the next afternoon, Paul would be leaving for 2+ months, and I certainly had the impulse to be a mopey moper about it, but I kept myself focused on the fact that my life was beyond what had been my wildest dreams and I’m glad for these things. Dinner was lovely, and afterwards, we snuggled for a long time while we digested. Later that evening, it was time for the Spanksgiving part of Thanksgiving. 🙂 By then, my feelings had built up quite a bit, and I felt delicate and vulnerable. It had been Paul’s original intention to have an intense and severe scene that night, addressing some of the issues that had remained written in my book and for which I had yet to be punished. I felt nervous and apprehensive about this, and I guess it showed in my reactions to things, because before I had a chance to bring up how I was feeling, Paul asked me if I still wanted to do a scene.
My initial response was “No, I feel too vulnerable.” This was accompanied by a lot of feelings. Sometimes, submission can be horribly confusing, despite all the time I’ve spent ruminating about it. On one level, I want my Dominant to make the choices about what happens. I’m scared of the accusation of topping from the bottom. I have a fear that expressing my feelings and desires for the way that we play will “ruin” things, that I should accept what I get instead of communicating what I want or need. I also have a tendency to feel embarrassed by my emotions, no matter what they are. None of this stuff is healthy, and I’m not proud to admit it, but these are things that developed in my brain over the past couple of years. As soon as I voiced my opinion, I started to cry and apologize, anxiously hiding my face. Paul pulled me up into his arms and spoke to me soothingly, assuring me that I didn’t need to feel that way and that he never judged me for what I felt or needed. As I tried to calm, I was surprised by how much of a need to cry was left inside of me. “I just feel like I’ll come completely apart,” I confided. After a moment, I added “Maybe I need that.” Ultimately, we came to the conclusion that I did need a hard scene, but not a punitive one, and we decided to do an arbitrary scene.
A bit later, Paul put me over his lap and began to spank me. It was probably not particularly hard, but due to my emotional state, I soon started to cry again. In the middle of it, he paused and asked “Who do you belong to, Alex?” and I melted into a passive and tranquil state. This is something that pretty much always works for me (when playing with someone to whom I belong, of course!) as it makes me feel owned, loved, cared for and treasured while simultaneously making me feel very passive, safe and small. I probably cooed my response.
Shortly after this, I got a caning. The strokes were hard and the cane in question is dense and bitey, and I had little resistance left to offer between my vulnerable state and my heightened feeling of submission. This didn’t mean I took the strokes well, though: I cried and wailed, sometimes sobbing so hard that I made myself cough. At one point, Paul had to pause to give me a cup of water because I think he thought I was choking. When it was finished, I felt warm and swollen, but entirely refreshed (once I cut through the haze of “I can’t brain!” that happens when someone tries to talk to me right after a hard scene). As I curled up on his lap, I knew that everything was going to be okay and that while I’d be inevitably sad and lonely while he was away, that I was always protected and I always belonged. ♥
I left off from my year-in-review after describing June and the excitement it contained. I shall now pick back up with:
While I didn’t blog about it, I had an amazing 25th birthday on July 6th, during which I visited with friends, got to go to Bear Country (my favorite of places!) got lovely birthday spankings and received my most beloved pets, Telsa and Newton the guinea piggies, from Malignus. It was seriously great.
Later that month, I started out on a series of adventures which would keep me away from home for most of the rest of the summer. This began with Chicago Crimson Moon. I had lots of fun and met many cool people for the first time, and I got to spend more quality time with some people I really care for. From Chicago, I flew to LA for another visit, which was fun and exciting.
August started out in Los Angeles, where I got to visit with friends and eat lots of delicious ethnic treats. Especially noteworthy was the time that I spent visiting with Erica Scott and the adventures that Lily Starr and I shared. While there, I celebrated my seventh “Spankoversary” which I discovered takes place on Consensual Spanking Day. From Los Angeles, I traveled to Texas to do more shooting and have more adventures. I stayed with WYO and LLB and got to get really close with them. They’ve become some of my favorite people, and I’m really thankful to have them in my life! Near the end of my visit with them, Heather joined us there for a night and then the next morning, the two of us took off on a road trip of epic proportions which would eventually land us at the Mother of All Spanking Parties: Shadow Lane. It was an epic party where I got to meet and hang out with lots of awesome people, and, because of the company I got to keep, was probably the best party I’ve been to at present.
My regret for the month of August is that Richard Windsor didn’t spank me when we met, but I’ve set things in motion to make my future spanking from him inevitable. 🙂
September started out as a recovery month for me. I landed back in Sioux Falls after having been gone for six weeks straight and was very glad to see Malignus again. I celebrated the completion of my first year as a spanking model and my 100th blog post. I did lots and lots of sleeping to make up for time lost while on the road. After I was caught up, I had a big event. I had organized my first spanking get together, a private cabin party in Colorado. It was amazing. Things came together extremely well, and everyone had a great time. I got to see a ton of people I care about and spent lots of quality time with them. There were lots of outdoor spankings, including outdoor switchings:
We traveled on and came across a series of small, young birch trees. The area that I chose to get a cabin in happened to, entirely by chance, be largely without deciduous trees, so this was a bit of a rarity. As we viewed them, the Tops pointed out that they were very supple and swishy looking and would make excellent switches.
“Oh darn!” I exclaimed. “No one has a knife with them. What a shame. I guess we can’t have any switches.”
Robert pulled a knife out of his pocket. If life was a comic book, there would have been a “SNIKT” sound effect. My face looked like this: -_-.
Shortly after a large number of switches had been cut, we climbed up to a small tree house. We got inside and ellee and I received treehouse switchings. The joy of being in a treehouse and being spanked while viewing an incredible landscape almost took away the sting. Key word: almost.
October was the month where I SUCKED at blogging. I did basically none of it, only banking two entires. I did, however, have lots of important things happen. For one, after returning home from the cabin party, I realized that not only did I feel naturally submissive towards YS, I really liked feeling submissive towards him. There were little moments during the party where I knew that things just felt right. After consulting with ellee to make sure she was alright with it (as she is my best friend, after all) I asked YS to take me under consideration and he agreed. I think that same day, or maybe the next, ellee asked Malignus to do the same thing for her. I really like the system that was created: ellee and I have always been sisterly and there’s something that makes the world feel like it is in its proper order that we both answer to the same pair of people. It was also in October that I went to Los Angeles for more epic adventures in modeling, visited Disneyland with Lily Starr and Robert Wolf, shot Sternwood Academy, Volume 2, went to Denver and shot a billion amazing pictures with Amoni, filmed with Real Spankings AND went to Crimson Moon’s Halloween party, where my Bad Counterpart (theBadAlex) and I discovered the horrors of eyebrow threading and were probably both traumatized for life. Busy. Month.
November was another resting month, and the beginning of some winter time off. There was a drastic increase in my posting frequency during this month, due to YS’ new leadership: he implemented rules ensuring that I post frequently enough to keep everyone happy.
For Thanksgiving, Malignus and I traveled to Texas where we spent it with WYO, LLB and an assortment of other awesome spankos. It was a great time. I love being at their place: wonderful friendship, delicious food, nightly hot tubbing, hard spankings, cute puppy. What more could a girl ask for in life, really? I also spent lots of time working on plans for Malignus’ (then) upcoming birthday surprises. Near the end of the month, I got grounded from using the light on the stove for leaving it on too often. I’m including this because it still seems rather ridiculous to me, both that I would get such a simple thing wrong and that I’d end up getting so much grief for it.
December was, by leaps and bounds, the highest traffic month that my blog ever saw. This is probably largely owed to YS’ encouragement, an attempt that I started making to put more of my narrative writing skills into some of my posts and the fact that a couple of my posts ended up on Chross’ list. Certainly not without effect on this is the fact that I was nominated for Creative Spanking Blog of the Year over at The Spanking Spot, an honor which made me extremely proud. Early in the month I had kind of a break through scene with Malignus, which was also noteworthy because I feel it was one of the only times I’ve actually been able to successfully write up a scene-story in a way that could be meaningful to anyone other than myself.
The holidays descended on us! At first, our festivities began slowly, but as friends got involved, things picked up pace. We started out with one Christmas ornament: a tiny ornament of a wooden spoon with a red handle (like some awful thing that a lot of girls are familiar with). By the time New Years rolled around, we had lights, a small but beautiful tree with a bunch of great decorations on it, Christmas cookies, Christmas stockings, wrapped presents, candy and I even got Christmas pajamas. Malignus got me a Kitchenaid mixer, something I’d always dreamed about. I was a really freaking happy girl, and I had a very Merry Christmas indeed.
The highlight of the month, and possibly of the year, was Malignus’ birthday, though. I secretly planned a series of five surprises for him: first, ellee arrived at the house for a surprise visit. Then, I left the two of them alone to enjoy some time together while I snuck off and retrieved Heather Green. After their weekend ended, Malignus was pretty sure that was that was the end of his festivities. It was not. The next weekend, PTL ALSO arrived for ANOTHER secret visit! This also included his fourth surprise, a birthday cake with the words “It’s your birthday again” on it.
Needless to say, he loved it. His final surprise arrived a few days after his actual birthday: it was a book that I’d made for him. I asked as many people as I could think of who I knew were close to Malignus in some capacity to make a page for this book, expressing whatever sentiment they wanted to share. Because of time constraints and other situations, not everyone was able to participate, but I still got 20+ awesome pages, all of which brought a huge smile to Malignus’ face. Heather and I even designed a page from her dog, Lucy. Malignus likes Lucy so much he did not even think this was stupid.
By the time that New Year’s Eve rolled around, I was supposed to be finishing this post, but I instead got goofy on the one glass of champagne that I had and didn’t get around to it, preferring NOT to write when tipsy and stupid. The first day of 2013 was great, the next two, not as much, but I know things will pick up. I’m looking forward to having a wonderful year!
Thanks to everyone who made 2012 one of the best years ever. Love you guys. ♥
2012 was a year in which a lot of things happened. In all, it was a good year, although it certainly had parts that were difficult and not enjoyable. That said, the good certainly outweighed the bad. I’m going to take a minute to reminisce about all the relevant things which happened, going month by month:
January in South Dakota was cold and bitter and it involved a lot of me staying indoors and playing Zelda, which, after considerable effort and lots of me getting hit with a cane, I beat it! I got lots of spankings and other enjoyable violence that night, including this lovely memory:
Malignus decided that he wanted to hit me on the thigh AGAIN and that this time, he wanted me to bring him the aforementioned spoon. I was hesitant to do so, but did not protest. Again, I bared my thigh, and this time I buried my face in a pillow. The pain of it made my head explode, pretty much. He hit me more than once, and I found myself rolling around and freaking out. I became so not concerned with my surroundings that I hit my head into the wall a bit, but I didn’t even care. Somehow, I found myself curled up in Malignus’ lap sobbing while he comforted me and reminded me that he loved me and that I’m a very good girl. I know it sounds horrible, and it was, but at the same time, I loved it. I loved how happy indulging his sadism made him. I love being pushed that far. I loved that I had (mostly) accepted something that I hate. Lying there while I regained my calm, I found myself in this sort of otherworldly state of comfort– entirely spent, but the vacant space where all the fight in me had been was filled with a warm and enjoyable sense of comfort.
My blog post about defeating it was the first time that I got a post included on Chross, which was full of excitement for me. In terms of blogging, I had a good month for other reasons as well. I posted a lot and wrote two posts that remain popular to this day: the post which WYO refers to as “Ass Care” and my post explaining my various motivations for crying from a spanking. I also stirred up a bit of controversy by complaining about the kind of comments which I hate. This post resulted in me actually losing a friend, which is kind of pathetic, if you ask me.
In February, my blog was named Blog of the Month at The Spanking Bloggers Network, of which I was very proud. I also got my driver’s license and became a real adult. 😛 Malignus and I had our first Valentine’s Day together as a couple and I got spanked lots and lots. Near the end of the month, I went to my first spanking related get together: a cabin party in Indiana. During this party, I met lots of people who would go on to become extremely important in my life for the first time: Ten, Drlectr, ellee and YS are at the top of that list. One of the nice things about blogging is having a documented record of events, so when something later turns out to have been a significant moment, I can look back at what I wrote about it at the time. Here’s the story of the first time YS spanked me:
We then went back up to the house and ellee and I got to work on our coloring. This was interrupted by YS giving ellee a strapping, and later, by him doing the same to me for the first time. Getting spanked by him was pretty exciting. It’s rare that I meet someone whose Dominance I immediately want to respect, but I felt that way about YS. I felt like calling him “Sir” almost immediately, making him only the fourth person I’ve habitually used an honorific with, ever. When I got in position for him to spank me, he told me to ask for it (I’d just seen the way that ellee had done this). In most circumstances, when someone other than Malignus gives me an order (outside of things we’d discussed for a scene) I get all scrunchy faced. I might even respond with “don’t you fucking tell me what to goddamn do!” But when YS told me to ask for my spanking, I didn’t even hesitate before saying “Please spank me, Sir.” It’s rare but lovely to find someone whose Dominance inspires me, and it made playing with him very enjoyable. He spanked me quite hard with a London Tanners’ strap. It was lovely.
Also at this party, Malignus uprooted a small tree and hit me with it. I also got hit with a Sjambok for the first time and lived to tell the tale.
In March, Heather came back to South Dakota to stay with us for a few more months and it was wonderful. It was also in this month that we received a sjambok of our very own and I was very stupid and got myself into a bunch of trouble of the day that it arrived. Near the end of the month, I headed to Los Angeles for my first visit since moving and shot with a couple of spanking video companies.
My trip to Los Angeles bridged into April and I really enjoyed the rest of it. After that, April was a pretty slow month for me. I had some health issues and took considerable downtime.
In May, I traveled to California again to shoot for Sternwood Academy Volume 1. It was an adventure full of epic win, and one of the best times I’ve ever had on a shoot. I got to meet awesome people there like Ela Darling and Cheyenne Jewel (Pictured above with me and Heather). Later that month, Heather left to go to Texas with her boyfriend who had returned from Korea. It was a sad time, and it took a lot of adjusting to not having her around.
The major highlight of June was the Texas All State Spanking Party, which Malignus and I attended. This was both of our first national spanking party, and we had an amazing time. During this party I first “got together” with Drlectr and Ten, although I was somewhat shy about this and didn’t blog about it at the time. I also got to meet Pandora Blake and Amelia Jane Rutherford for the first time at this party, and that was really wonderful. I can’t wait to see them again when I go to England next year. I participated in my first “Naughty Schoolgirl Party” at TASSP, described here:
First, we had to line up to have our skirts measured by Dana Spect. The skirt I was wearing was a real school skirt, and it came down nearly to my knees, unlike many of the sexy skirts other girls had on. After holding a ruler up to me, Dana lead me to the front of the room and announced that I was an example of a good girl and that my skirt was what the other girls should aim to look like. I was beaming with pride. Praised in front of everyone? Yes please!
I did quickly realize that being a goody-goody-Hermione-Granger type wasn’t going to get me very much attention with everyone else throwing pieces of paper, launching darts and sneaking beer into the classroom, though, so I figured I had to do something at least a little naughty at a naughty school girl party. I had a package of Fun Dip in my purse which Malignus had won for me the last time we’d gone to the arcade together, so we started eating that very obviously while we were supposed to be learning. Heather, Zoe and I were quickly pulled aside and given OTK spankings and warned not to eat any more candy in class. It was the first time I’ve ever been spanked in front of a live audience before, since a group of other guests were gathered in the back of the room watching the proceedings. I kept myself in the “performer” part of my brain that I use when doing videos and made sure to kick and squirm! It was lots of fun.
On a much less enjoyable note, June was also the month during which I was outed to my family of origin, something which created a struggle which is still somewhat in effect now, although things are much better than they were.
That’s the first six months! To make this post more manageable, the second half of the year will be described tomorrow.
This post is, as my holiday and special occasion posts tend to be, slightly belated. Oh well! Happy St. Patrick’s Day, Blogland!
St. Patrick’s Day is a holiday that I primarily stopped celebrating after I graduated from college. In Los Angeles, I first lived in an extremely hispanic neighborhood, then in Chinatown. Not a lot of Irish going on in those parts. I also greatly decreased the amount of getting excessively intoxicated that I was up to after graduation, and what kind of fun can be had on St. Patrick’s day without getting totally plastered?
The answer is spanking fun. The whole thing started with a shirt that scotchgrove got me which reads “Spank Me I’m Irish.” To get the question out of the way before I get into it, I’m only a quarter Irish. The rest of me is English, Polish and Panamanian. I’m still Irish enough to get spanked for it, as far as I’m concerned! This is my second spanking related t-shirt. This one, however, is plain looking enough that scotchgrove encouraged me to wear it in public. I set my mind on doing so.
On Friday I had the day off from work. Malignus left me with a list of things to do, which I affirmed that I would accomplish. I then took a nap (because my sleep schedule had remained disturbed) and when I got up and got ready, I decided it would be a good time to take some photos with the t-shirt and a pair of St. Patrick’s Day panties that I picked up. I set up my laptop’s camera and did a mini photoshoot in the bedroom by myself. I then figured out how to make a photo collage online.
Shortly after I completed this, there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find the UPS man standing there with a very long box. There aren’t nice things that come in boxes like that. Besides, scotchgrove had been threatening me with more murder-presents (horrible implements as gifts) for a while. The title of this post gives away what was in said long box: it was a sjambok of my very own. It was hard to be appreciative.
Now, as a general rule, I don’t talk about disciplinary things on my blog unless they’re part of a larger point. This is because I don’t want to glorify my bad behavior (or sometimes even share something like that publicly) and because discipline is a very private and personal part of my life. I’m going to deviate from that standard for a bit because this story is entertaining and very worth sharing.
Imagine that you’re a girl in a D/s or DD relationship (perhaps you needn’t imagine at all!). Now imagine that you’ve just received the worst implement imaginable as a gift when you were at home waiting for your partner to return from work. You have a set of things you are expected to get done. What would you do?
If you have half a brain and don’t like getting hit with sjamboks, your response would probably be something along the lines of “get my chores done before doing anything else.”
scotchgrove described the situation the best when I told him ex post facto: “For such a smart girl,” he told me, “you can be pretty stupid sometimes.”
I figured I could spend more time on the internet and talking on the phone and doing other unnecessary stuff before I needed to get everything done. It’s not a good skill to have, but I am kind of a pro at hustling chores out at the last minute.
|That’s pretty much me.|
My confidence got the best of me and I ended up wasting the day away. I was still at the grocery store when Malignus got home from work. Going to said store was the first thing from my list of chores that I had done all day.
On the way home, my brain could pretty much be documented like this:
My powers of deduction and ability to predict events were rather flawless. Upon my return home, I promptly confessed that I had not completed my chores, and Malignus promptly provided me with clearly required discipline using (SURPRISE) my brand new sjambok.
To my credit, I lay still through the approximately 20 strokes I received like a boss. I guess that’s not really to my credit: it’s not that hard to submit to something when you know that you were REALLY dumb and REALLY deserve it.
None the less, I was clearly extremely contrite when my correction was complete:
Meanwhile, Heather and I were inspired by my little photoshoot and decided to do something that we’d long talked about but never actually done: start making videos. Heather went out and got us matching green panties. I dug out all our green implements. We both found green t-shirts. We had a plan and we were ready to execute it the next day.
On St. Patrick’s Day proper, we filmed a series of three videos that have our “signature” lighthearted, friendly nature to them. We’re still getting used to making videos, so there are some imperfections, but all in all, I think you’ll enjoy them. Here they are:
I want to add that this is my first experience uploading things on spankingtube. I was pretty intimidated because I’ve heard a lot of horror stories about people being assholes on that site, but so far I can’t complain about how we’ve been received. I’d be down with higher ratings on my videos, but I know that they aren’t perfect either.
There have been a lot of people posting all kinds of romantic and interesting stories about their Valentine’s Day celebrations and spankings and such things. Compared to some, mine was extremely simple. We’re going to celebrate things more this weekend: on Tuesday, Malignus and I both worked evening shifts. Unfortunately, the night before, neither of us got much sleep. Our original plan was to celebrate Valentine’s day earlier in the day before we went to work. I was extremely sleepy when Malignus woke me up, but less so after he gave me a very spontaneous but thorough “wake up caning” with a 1/8″ acrylic cane. Spontaneous spankings are very hard for me to be submissive during, because they go from “I’m doing nothing!” to “I’m getting spanked!” at an extremely high speed and therefore don’t leave me much (any) time to get into a submissive headspace. Still, I did a fairly good job of being still for it. I was wearing my pajamas still when I started getting caned, and about halfway through, Malignus pulled the bottoms and my panties down to cane me on my bare bottom. I rarely ever get bared by someone other than myself, so it had a strong psychological effect on me and brought me into a sort of warmly submissive headspace for the rest of the scene. This is a lot of writing about a very short thing: he caned me at a very fast pace and it didn’t last long at all, but it made me feel happy and loved, and was therefore certainly worth sharing.
After a little while of being awake, we decided that we didn’t want to go out that day after all because we were feeling excessively sleepy. First, though, we spent a little while hanging out in the bedroom and watching TV. We were in high spirits and Malignus was in a creatively sadistic mood. While I was only wearing a t-shirt and panties, he told me to hand him a short cane. He told me that he was going to hit me on the arm with it (he occasionally hits me with little force on my upper arm). I made a scrunchy face but braced myself for this. Instead, he hit me on the front of my thigh. That’s one of his favorite “games”: hitting me where I don’t expect it. Then he hit me on that thigh again. Then he hit me on the other thigh. Then I cried. Then he gave me a few rapid fire strokes on the back of one of my thighs as I was rolling around in pain. This particular cane is one that doesn’t get used as often as others, I think largely because it’s a shorter cane. I rarely ever get caned while OTK (although the first few canings I got, including very extended ones, were done that way) so my two shorter canes get less use than longer, more intimidating looking ones. The one that was selected on Valentine’s Day was an 18″ Tearjerker JR Delrin Cane from Cane-iac. It’s actually one of the first canes that I owned. Scotchgrove purchased it for me for my birthday. It’s one of those things that doesn’t look all that scary when you see it lying there:
|Malignus said that it looked like I slept with Wolverine.|
Another interesting thing about it: from time to time, cane strokes will break the skin a tiny bit or leave a little blood blister where the tip hit. For whatever reason, probably something good about the design, this cane just left a larger welt on the tip instead of a cut. That’s much nicer and probably better for people who don’t want to get broken skin. The marks kind of looked like this: •–––. Another nice thing (in this situation) was the fact that it’s a very stingy cane that isn’t particularly weight-bearing. This meant that I didn’t get as crazy of thigh bruising as I did the first time I got my thighs caned (which was with an acrylic cane.) It still hurt. A lot.
Finally, when we were playing around Malignus said something to tease me and I responded with “I’m going to poison your sandwich!” After he finished hitting me with things, he did indeed ask for a sandwich (that’s my usual aftercare: making him a sandwich :P). I had a bunch of kitten stickers left over from making my Valentine’s Day cards for my friends, so I stuck one on the top of the sandwich to be the poison. I felt very clever. Malignus responded by setting the sticker on fire in a candle. SAD FACE!
|You can sort of see the burnt remnants of the sticker.|
After some cuddling, we napped and then went off to work. I spent the rest of the night feeling contented, warm, loved and sore. It was a lovely day indeed. 😀
Merry Christmas, everyone! I’m on holiday until the 3rd, which means that I’ll hopefully get a lot written and stored for your enjoyment in the coming weeks. I hope everyone has been enjoying whatever they celebrated.
For my, celebrations began with Malignus’ birthday on the 22nd. HeatherFeather and I had a bunch of fun preparing things: we blew up a billion black and red balloons and filled the house with them, got him some gifts and a cake and made a most delicious dinner. The cake was pretty much the best part, though: it’s so him:
You can see from this photo that another spoon was obtained. That was from HeatherFeather, with the condition that only I get hit with it. Because, you know, THAT’S fair. The spoon is from the same series as Warren, and the couple of whacks I got with it make it obvious that it isn’t going to be my best friend.
On the right side of the table, you’ll see a tube of Capzasin that I bought out of my own free will. Don’t freak out. I’m not insane, I promise.
Well, maybe a little. Or it’s just that whole thing with the lack of self preservation.
Doing that meant a lot for me in terms of submission, because I hate it pretty much more than any other thing. Just say the word and my face gets sad (the other night, I got scrunchy faced over the word “capsized” in a video game :P). That said, I’ve been trying to strike a balance between enjoying the fear that comes with partnering with a sadist and knowing that what happens to me is largely outside of my control and not getting irrationally terrified of anything and creating undue anxiety for myself. My feelings towards Capzasin were way too far over onto the side of irrational fear, and it seemed like an appropriate and beautiful thing to do to give up my protesting and indulgence of fear and take solace in not having control. I even ASKED FOR IT the other night, although I did a horribly pathetic job of it. I was snuggling after a spanking and I wanted to ask, even though I really, really did not want to receive it, just because I wanted to be able to accept it and be relaxed about it. I kept sighing as I tried to and failed, and after prompting I finally got the question out in that dumb, quiet, monotone voice. He said no, which made me incredibly happy. Usually getting myself psyched up over something and having it not happen is displeasing, but this worked out well. I’m hoping that next time it comes up, I’ll be able to remember my active part in things and that doing so will allow me to move more easily into submission. Hopefully someday soon, I’ll be able to ask for unpleasant things in a voice that gives the seriousness due to the situation (that is, not being excessively nonchalant) but which isn’t “um uh excuse me could I please… have that thing?”
I know that some people think that’s torture-horrible and should never be done, but it’s important to remember that, like a lot of things that are truly unpleasant, (like my nylon cane, or my lexan paddle, or thigh spanking at all) it serves a purpose within my relationship and I have, despite my dislike of it, I get something quite noteworthy from it in terms of submission.
Anyway, on Malignus’ birthday he gave us his birthday spankings. I was always pretty sure that those were supposed to be kind of light and fun, but Malignus gave HeatherFeather and I his with an acrylic cane. >_< It was fun, however, because it was the first time that HeatherFeather and I got spanked side by side, and that made the experience far more enjoyable. He did, however, hit me really, really hard 30 times (29 for his birthday, and 1 on my thighs because I said I was “fine” at the end when Heather asked instead of talking about how sore I was :P).
A few minutes later, I somehow got myself into a situation where I had the front of my thighs caned. He’d done it to another one of my friends one time, but never to me (although he’d hit me there with Jenny and lots of times with his hand) and the other day he hit HeatherFeather there twice. Heather had told me to ask him to do it to me, and because I have NO SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION WHATSOEVER and will always say “Okay!” to something horrible that Malignus wants to do to me for “fun” I agreed and asked him to.
Holy cow, that hurts. The first two were pretty bad, and then I was matched with Heather. Then he asked me if I wanted as many as he’d given my other friend, and I said yes. The next two made me sob. It was incredibly hard to have what was happening be right in front of me: the psychological factor is 99 percent of things for me, and the sight and sound of an implement in motion have been known to make me gasp or cry out even if they never hit me. Knowing that those strokes were destined for a very sensitive part of my body was incrediscary. When those two were done, he asked me if I wanted one more, so I’d have done more than everyone else, which is just mean, because he knew that there’s no way I could say no to that. I had a hard time submitting to that last one, though, especially when he tapped it between two existing welts. I had to hide my face in a pillow. I was disappointed in myself for not being particularly submissive for the last stroke, but I know I’ll have other chances and I can just use that as a push to be awesome in the future.
The marks looked like this when it was over:
The side where the cane ended was incredibly more sore than the “near” side, which healed up quite nicely. The feeling of unevenness was really weird and awkward. It bothered me so much that I asked Malignus to even things out, but he refused because it amused him on a sadistic level.
I really, really enjoy being a vessel for sadism. I can enjoy playing with tops who are not sadistic as long as they truly love spanking, but there is really nothing that warms my heart more than knowing that something is horrible simply for the purpose of his enjoyment. I know that I sometimes whine and pout about the agony, but it makes me feel loved and it makes me feel like I’m being unabashedly myself. On Christmas Eve, Malignus hit me with a dishtowel (seriously!) in such a way that it made me cry. The absurdity of it was funny, and he was very, very pleased with himself and as I was crying, I felt very loved and like something was extremely right. It’s a very hard thing for me to articulate, so I’ll work on it for another time.
By the end of the week, HeatherFeather had left our apartment, not to return for some time, we celebrated Christmas together and then, on Christmas Day, I flew out to visit my remaining family of origin. I’ll be here until next Tuesday. I had a hard time leaving, because I find my family of origin stressful, it’s a difficult time for them right now to begin with and because, quite frankly, I don’t like leaving Malignus. I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that when the week is over, I’m going home to him instead of it being that I visit him for a week and then leave. I imagine that coming back after the trip is going to make it feel even more home-like to me, and that’s a very nice idea.
My cousin was recently engaged, but she’s spending the holidays apart from her fiance, as they’re both with their families of origin in different states. She showed off her ring at the dinner table and talked about how she liked having something that came from him and showed his love for her on her body and how it made her never feel without him. While everyone was saying “awww,” I silently lifted the hem of my skirt and gently poked at the welts and bruises on the front of my thigh ;).