Daily Life

I’m a pretty confident girl, right?

Back-tracking through the stories I’ve told on this blog, I’ve been photographed topless in Manhattan in the winterdone my first spanking video as a modeltraveled to San Francisco to attend the Folsom Street Fair, shot with several other spanking production companies, gotten hot wax poured on me, a needle shoved into my body and cups full of suction on my back and moved across the country.

My image appears in various states of undress and bruisedness quite a few places on the internet. I’m perfectly acceptable showing a lot of sides of myself in photographic form.

Publicly, I’m as okay with being this girl:

As I am being this girl:

Or even sometimes this girl: 

So it gets hard for me to admit that sometimes, talking about things terrifies me. Sometimes I get a lot of anxiety. Well, you might say, that’s normal. Everyone gets anxious from time to time. You’re in a new place, at a new job, making new friends… of course you’re going to get nervous about these things. 

The sad (for me) part is, those aren’t the things that are making me anxious. Spanking is.
It isn’t that I’ve gone away from spanking, or lost interest, or any of those strange things that supposedly happen to people from time to time. I’ve always had this feeling, ever since I was a little girl and I began thinking about spanking. The butterflies in my stomach. The shakiness in my hands when I think about it. The flush on my face when I say the word. The dumb, monotone voice that comes out of my mouth when I try to bring the topic of spanking up when it wasn’t already, even when among people I trust the most. 
The anxiety reaches its peak when I’m in a situation where I might get spanked, and it increases in intensity as it becomes more and more obvious that a spanking is imminent. Generally speaking, though, the anxiety goes away simply by exiting the situation or, more enjoyably, by getting the spanking and having the release that’s associated with it. The spanking hurts and more often than not makes me cry, and I get rid of all the anxiety which built up as I was anticipating it. 
This is the main reason that listening to someone else get a spanking makes me anxious (and why I tend to do dishes or bathe when someone else is getting a spanking so that I don’t hear it): because the spanking is real and I have to face the reality of the fact that I’m a spanko, that this thing which sounds scary is the thing that I like and that this is all real. These are all things that I generally try to celebrate, but even with my happiness, just create a nervous, sick feeling in me. When it’s someone else getting the spanking and not me, I don’t get the release that goes along with it, and the stress just stays in my body. 
Despite the fact that I’m a spanking model, I can’t really watch spanking videos. They make me too nervous and uncomfortable. Having it real and happening in front of me without any connection to me makes me feel scared and pathetic. When I’ve watched my own videos to try to learn what I’m doing well, or when I’ve watched videos to learn about the companies that I want to shoot with, I often end up peeking at the screen through my hands, like a little kid watching a horror movie. I almost always end up turning the sound down extremely low. 
Why don’t I ever talk about this? Because I’m embarrassed by how embarrassed I am about spanking. Generally speaking, it’s easier to just take a deep breath and talk about it than to admit that I have these insecurities. Besides, what kind of spanking model can’t even say the word “spanking” when sitting alone in a house where all the residents are spankos who scene together, and spanking is so much a part of our daily life that the wooden spoons in the kitchen are marked with “Cooking only- no spanking!” What kind of person spends six years getting spanked with hairbrushes, yet when asking her roommate to borrow one refers to it as “the thing you use to brush hair” out of discomfort saying the word? I’m supposed to be a pro at asking for spankings, yet when I try to these days, my voice either cracks or gets all monotone and my eyes get big and probably very sad or desperate looking. Somedays, I sit around thinking about getting spanked for over an hour without mustering the courage to bring it up. Sometimes, I honestly believe that if I hadn’t run into SF in the library and then creeped his stuff and discovered his spanko tendencies, that I would have died unspanked because I’d never get up the courage to find a partner, which seems pretty likely when you realize that I spent FIVE YEARS perving spanking sites before I made my first contribution to one.
Still, I’ve usually corrected my spankoanxiety with a simple trick: getting spanked. A good, hard spanking (and yes, I’m blushing as I type this) reminds me of all the things that I get out of a spanking, makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of belonging and gives me a channel for the stress that being a spanko causes me. There are other things that help, too: getting validation from the spanking community that I’m an accepted part of it and that they’re all okay and therefore I’m okay has always helped. Being on fetlife, blogging and modeling have boosted my spankoconfidence immensely. 
But right now, I’ve been so anxious about spanking that I have a hard time getting through a blog post about it, which is just dumb. I’m not being judged by anyone, I’m having awesome spanking adventures and my life is wonderful. Like all things, the anxiety will come and go, I’m sure, until I figure out how to correct it entirely. In the mean time, I’ll just be squaring my shoulders and being very glad that my readers can’t see me blushing as I type this stuff. 😀
Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it? Do share. I could use tips 😛

When we left Colorado Springs, we were done with the most exciting segment of our adventures. There were no more friends to visit between there and my new home in South Dakota, and we had to cross the worst state ever: Wyoming.

If I have any readers who live in Wyoming, I apologize for hating your state, but I really, really do. And I understand how you feel getting your state hated on, because I am originally from New Jersey and pretty much no one likes New Jersey. But I have to say, Jersey is eighty five million times better than Wyoming. You know why? Because there are things in New Jersey.

There is NOTHING in Wyoming. We couldn’t play the Alphabet Game, because there weren’t even signs to get letters off of. I decided that it was the capsaicin of states: horrible agony, and you have no idea when it’s going to end.

Like all things awful, though, our trip through Wyoming did eventually end. We spent a night in Nebraska at a hotel, and then finished up the our driving the next day. From there, I got to work settling into my new life. It hasn’t been entirely easy, although it is quite simple, but it *has* been entirely rewarding.

I know this is incredibly late, but Malignus, HeatherFeather and I had our first Thanksgiving together. I made a turkey that was full of epic win:


as well as additional stuffing, rolls, mashed potatoes (which HeatherFeather made), pan gravy, asparagus, cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie and peach pie. I made the pie crusts from scratch without a rolling pin, because I’m a total BAMF.

It was a delicious day, and I am truly thankful for my new life, for all the support my friends from coast to coast and beyond have given me, for the internet spanking community, for an amazing sister like HeatherFeather, and, of course, for Malignus. I have an amazing created family, a man I love and who loves me in return, a plethora of amazing friends all around the world, a home, safety, a job and food. I get to spend my free time with people I love doing things that I enjoy, learning, enriching others lives and getting my bottom thoroughly reddened. Basically, I have everything a spanko girl could want, and I really, really appreciate it. <3

Anyway, not to be upstaged by my culinary delights, Malignus made a turkey of his own (on my inner thigh):


The drawing was done by HeatherFeather, for Malignus does not draw cute animals, even when agony is involved :P.
I swear, when he hits me this way, I could probably go to a palm reader and have his fortune told by the marks on my thighs. It’s kind of fascinating. And horrible. Horribly fascinating? Why not? 😛

Now that I feel like I’ve finally gotten caught up on all the interesting or fun stuff which has happened recently AND been mushy, I can return to my regularly scheduled programing, so expect frequent updates with thought provoking insights and photos of my butt!

I guess I kind of lied when I said that I was back to my regular rate of posting. I’m still pulling three posts this week, but that’s the minimum that I like to do. I don’t enjoy accepting the minimum effort from myself, so I’ll try and keep sticking with things, especially because I am not entirely sure if I’ll be able to update while I’m on the road to South Dakota or not.

I’m stressed. I’ve still got a lot to do before I leave. Insecurities and fears have been popping up, surviving longer than I’d normally let them due to the climate of anxiety and vulnerability that comes with change. I’m not looking forward to saying “goodbye” to anyone, let alone everyone. Still, I’m overwhelmingly excited. I’m going to have a wonderful life with Malignus. We’re going to have an amazing time on the trip out to my new life. I’ll never have to listen to him tell me that he doesn’t have any clean dishes or food in the house ever again! 😀

Yesterday, I shot with Chelsea Pfieffer for the first time. She was amazingly nice and friendly. She’s the kind of person you just want to hug. The shoot was very straight-forward: it was a “Chelsea Spanks” reality shoot. The part of modeling that I’m the least good at is acting like someone other than myself when I’m in a position which is very true to my inner self, so being able to just be me while shooting a video was amazingly refreshing. Chelsea and I intend to work together again in the future when I fly back to visit Los Angeles (and to work with other amazing LA people). I’ve yet to meet someone I dislike when working on a spanking shoot: everyone has been amazingly kind, friendly and enthusiastic. I’m really digging spanking modeling. I just can’t get enough.

I’m amazed if there are any people who have not yet tired of self taken photos of my butt in the mirror besides me. I am totally in love with my own butt.

Chelsea spanked me for a half hour straight, which further proved to me that I have absolutely NO sense of time when I’m over a lap. It seemed like a few minutes! I know that I’ve had spankings that were confirmed to be very long by either knowing the time before and after or having another person around to let me know which had the same feeling: time just flew by because I was really happy to be where I was and I was doing the thing I adore. There have been other spankings, especially disciplinary ones, which seemed like they lasted for about an hour, but in reality were just a few minutes long. It’s probably related to the fact that there is some kind of temporal anomaly in the corner of my bedroom: time just slooooooows down there. 😛

Tangentially related to what I was talking about earlier (because my scene with Chelsea had an influence on this) I’ve decided that while I still think that I’m fairly hetero-aligned in terms of D/s, I am just as much of a pan-spanko bottom as I am a pan-sexual. When I was a child, my fantasies were always M/F. My first five years of spanking were exclusively M/F. Recently, I’ve been playing with girls and women as tops quite a bit, and it’s just as enjoyable for me. An open mind is a lovely thing: when I was just focused on males as tops, I was losing a lot of awesome options. F/F is pretty epic win for me, too.

Tonight, I’m going to the Halloween party at Threshold. It’s my last dungeon event before I leave LA. Even more bittersweetness. It’s going to be a lot of fun, though: all my LA people will be there, except Morri, who is currently out of the country. I didn’t even get to have a tearful goodbye! I miss you already, Morri!

On Saturday, I went shopping with my Bee Eff Eff, Maddycake. I went to a bikini-bar with some friends on Friday night, so I had some leftover singles in my wallet because I was not particularly zealous with the tipping. I’ve been budgeting pretty carefully with the move coming up, but it was essentially leftover morale money, so, when we saw this at Sur La Table I had to get it:


I asked Maddycake what she thought this was supposed to be for and her response was “beating Alex.” Clearly. I have to admit, now that I’ve gotten it home and messed around with it a bit, this thing kind of terrifies the hell out of me. I’ve had big spoons before, but they’ve always had a very large spanking surface. This one is much smaller, and therefore much more concentrated. Then there’s the fact that the material kind of feels like Warren. -_-

At Sur La Table, they had a small Christmas tree full of kitchen related ornaments for the holidays, so I picked up the first decoration for Malignus and me as a family:


It’s a tiny wooden spoon! It’s so perfect for us. Its red handle echos that bitch, Jenny (Warren’s little sister, who used to be the bane of my existence before Warren came around and was about 8 times worse.) Awwww.

Finally, I went into The Body Shop to get some Body Butter (for the purpose of lathering up my butt to prevent dry skin when I’m getting spanked a lot) and discovered that the entire store was buy two, get two free. So, when faced with two free items I didn’t really need (because I did want to get two Body Butters to begin with. I use the Vitamin E one when I need to grow new skin and the Extra Dry Skin one otherwise) I got myself bath soap and…


See how unsure my face is? That is me being very fearful and not entirely positive what I got myself into. This is a mean thing, for sure. I also somehow managed to acquire seven new implements in the span of a couple of days, while only spending eight dollars on them. I need to stop having such good luck with this stuff. It’s going to eventually lead to my untimely demise. I’m putting a ban on buying anything new at all before I leave, unless it’s a packing supply or going to be consumed, since I have to store so much stuff to begin with. Today was the last shopping trip until I’m in LA as a visitor! :/

My Saturday finished up with a surprise visit from J. I’ll hopefully get to see him one more time before I leave, but we treated today like it would be the last time, just in case. It was bittersweet. He gave me a nice, snuggly hand-spanking that left me feeling like I was glowing.


It was pretty faded by the time I stopped cuddling to take a photo. He didn’t have long to stay today, so no baked goods. 🙁

Whew! That’s a lot of stuff! Hope everyone else had a good weekend!

Oh, Hai!

Alex

Los Angeles, California, United States

First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

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