Sex is pretty much the one topic that I don’t post about. Why not? Because I don’t mix spanking and sex, and I feel like a lame-o posting about something that doesn’t have anything to do with the purpose of this blog. I know a few people who successfully write off-topic posts that are very enjoyable, but I don’t know that I’ve reached the point where I’m good enough to pull that off.
Still, sex has made itself relevant to the conversation recently. I’ll explain how in a moment. First, some background.
*I’m polyamorous. All my relationships are open.
*I’m a pansexual. A person’s genital configuration and gender identity aren’t a factor in whether or not I am attracted to them. Somehow, this does not make it easier for me to get laid in Sioux Falls, South Dakota.
*My boyfriend/Dominant/primary Top/HoH/favorite person, Malignus, is an asexual. This means that he is not sexually attracted to anyone. We’re romantically involved. We don’t have sex with each other. We don’t talk about sex. I’m pretty sure he’s never seen me entirely naked (except in photos on the internetz). Because of my strict wiring against mixing sex and spanking, this makes for the ideal relationship of the sort that we have.
*I don’t want to have sex with Malignus. At all. Ever. The fact that we have no sexual interest in one and other is a point of huge comfort for both of us. I get really grossed out when people imply that we’re doing it.
*I am in two other romantic relationships, both with sexual components. My boyfriend is on the West Coast and my girlfriend is on the East Coast. I have not seen either since I left California.
*Compared to other people interested in sex, I have a pretty low sex drive. Compared to my spank drive, I have like, no sex drive. I’d be pretty happy with having sex once every week or two.
*I have not had sex with another person in four months.
Four months got to be a bit much for me, and sex got to be on my brain again. I decided to start looking into finding a sexual partner. This has proved extremely challenging.
Here’s the thing: I want to date outside of the BDSM community here, for two reasons. First of all, I’m really lame and vanilla in bed. I do not like to have sex that hurts, even a little bit. If someone smacks my ass during sex, well, they’ve ruined it. Any accouterments of “the scene” (even dumb, sex store versions of them) just don’t belong with sex for me. Sorrryyyyyy! The second reason is drama. The scene here is my primary social circle. Sex between friends can lead to drama. It is my goal to avoid that at all costs.
Due to the second reason that I’ve listed, I don’t want to date people that I work with. Unfortunately, that leaves me with no other people that I know. So, I did what I did every time I’ve moved to a new city: I started a page on okcupid. In New York and Los Angeles, that quickly produced matches in the 90 percent range with interesting, educated people. I uploaded a quick couple of cell phone photos and started to fill out my page.
|See the watermark? I left that there to prove I’m really on a dating site!|
My page here was kind of like my fetlife profile, only without mention of spanking and way more pretentious/geeky. I’m sure you’re wondering how both those things are possible. I’m not linking to my vanilla identity (even if it doesn’t include my real name at all) here, so you’ll have to use your imaginations. I then answered 75 of the “match questions” in hopes of making the things that are important to me clear.
The site didn’t fail to disappoint me: within 20 minutes of completing this, I got a message from a guy who seemed to be on the opposite side of the fence from me on every issue possible, including things like religion, politics, evolution and birth control. The message simply read “your sexy.” I’ve yet to find any person on there who seems to share any of my actual interests, besides an interest in wanting to have genital contact with another person. How hard is it to find someone who likes Foucault, Terrance Malick, The Mountain Goats, homemade bread or pandas?! I’m not saying I want them all, just one!
The extreme lack of eligible mates in the vanilla dating pool leads me to the main problem, and the reason that I brought the s-word up in the first place. How the hell am I going to find a person outside of the scene who is going to be comfortable with my lifestyle? There’s no way that I can hide it from them. On any given day, I’ve got bruises on my bottom. Furthermore, why would I want to be involved with someone with whom I cannot share this very base part of me? The problem is with finding someone who is willing to accept what I do without wanting to do it with me.
I guess, at the end of the day, I can’t look too hard. My current plan is to consider all my options and not limit myself so much, and be less afraid and more open about who I am with people that I meet. The idea of being more “out” has been pretty appealing to me once I got past the point where I was ashamed of myself as a spanko.
I know that a lot of people don’t have the same sort of arrangement as I do in terms of separating sexual partners and spanking partners, but still: how has dating worked for you, as a spanko? Did your current partner know about your spanko-nature when they got involved with you? How did you bring it up?
Well, talking about sex was awkward. I blushed. The best thing to do when things are awkward is to show the internet your boobs, right?
Oh. That’s not it? Well, it made sense to me!
Today’s Valentine’s day. Both Malignus and I have to work, but we’ll be doing something special earlier in the day. It will probably involve A) romance and B) spanking. Win-win. Expect a more spanking-heavy post tomorrow. 😀
Looking forward to the spanking postmortem. And good luck on finding a guy you can have sex with. And you have lovely boobs.
Thank you. 🙂
Wow, Alex!! So much in one post!
I enjoyed this read – it allowed me to know a little more about you. Also, I was one who just assumed you and your ‘partner’ were probably sexual too! I didn’t know what pansexual meant. I had seen this term, but didn’t bother to actually research what it meant. You call your sex drive low, being fine with once a week or two. I am good with once a month, and sometimes longer! LOL
As for the dating vanillas, I see your dilemma, as I suspect any vanilla you reveal your spankoness to is going to view it solely as sexual. That’s been my experience with vanillas thus far, including an ex who just could not wrap his mind around spanking being nonsexual in any context. Hell, there are even many spankos who can’t wrap their own minds around that.
Good luck in finding what you want/need!
I’m glad that you found this post enjoyable and informative. I was worried that it might be boring or awkward.
I’m hoping that I can find a vanilla partner who will be willing to accept that I do spanking stuff with people other than him or her and not try to take it anywhere with me. We’ll see. Thanks for the luck!
I <3 your boobs! And I do not have that problem, with the dating. But I can see how it would be frustrating. I, too, hope you find someone to get jiggy with!
My boobs heart you back.
It’s a very difficult to find people that accept the spanking lifestyle but don’t partake. However, I think your best bet is to focus on the poly community. The first hurdle I think you have is to find people that are okay with your open lifestyle. So, I would simply search in the poly community and see who you can find.
Since the poly community is relatively open minded, you are more likely to find someone that is spanking-positive in that community than in the public at large.
You might also look at how you can incorporate the spanking part of your life into your sexual life. While this obviously seems anathema to you now, people are relatively malleable. There are many things I am willing to include in my sexual life now that I would not have been willing to include earlier in my life. I’ve essentially desensitized myself to these things enough that I can conceptualize them in my sex life (or my life in general).
You might go there in terms of spanking your partner. If you find a partner that likes to be spanked you may find that spanking them as a part of your sex play is acceptable enough that you can tolerate it (maybe even come to love it) over time. Spanking does not have to mean you getting spanked. If your objection is to your partner causing you pain during sex, then I think you’ve left out half of the equation.
Also, as far as sexual desire, this is very malleable, too. Especially when you find someone you really care about. Check back with me after you are in a position to want it.
And, considering how cute you are, you will probably find that there are plenty of subbies out there just dying to get a spanking from you and then give you any kind of sex you want. The poly community probably also has enough tolerant members for you to find someone.
Happy Valentine’s Day! May cupid have a special arrow just for you!
Thanks for the input. I’ve had trouble with finding much of a poly community here outside of the BDSM community, but I will keep looking.
That’s what’s hard living away from the big city. There might be a way to connect online, but I’m very sympathetic to your cause!
Very pretty pics! I could see how the separation of all these things could make it difficult in finding what you are looking for. I totally hear you on the spank drive vs. sex drive. Sex is good when I have it, I enjoy it, but I could do without it sometimes. And certainly last for much longer without that than spanking. Spanking is what occupies my mind and fantasies most of the time. Good luck in your dating search! You’re beautiful, funny, and seem to be super duper smart so it’ll be a lucky person who find themselves in a relationship with you. 🙂
You are so sweet, Lea! Thank you. 🙂
A very sensible and well written post.
A lot of people in the spanking community have faced the same issues. I’m not adverse to the idea of dating a vanilla, but spanking is actually FAR MORE important to me than sex (a very odd thing for a hetero male to say, I know), and I likewise couldn’t see myself in any LT relationship with someone who couldn’t accept that part of my world.
I do hope you find satisfaction out in SD. Glad you and Malignus had a Happy Valentines Day. 🙂
I don’t know if it’s that odd within the spanking community. Even for people who can sexualize spanking, because the spanking desire often makes itself known to us before the sexual one, it can pretty easily be a bigger deal. Or maybe it’s some other reason. That’s just a guess.
I like how you wrapped that post up. Hilarious!
I also find that things are funnier if you just say “boobs” now and then. Quiet moment in the house? Shout BOOBS! Even if you’re by yourself, this is funny. I just did it. Tee hee. 😀
Lovely boobs btw! We see so much of your butt, I had to check it was you first. 😛
I appreciate it must be difficult finding what you need. As if it’s not hard enough for spankos in general, as if the pool wasn’t small enough: that’s a strict set of stuff! I hope you find it!
Haha! True story!
I am glad that you like my boobs. (BOOBS!)