I’m a pretty confident girl, right?
Back-tracking through the stories I’ve told on this blog, I’ve been photographed topless in Manhattan in the winter, done my first spanking video as a model, traveled to San Francisco to attend the Folsom Street Fair, shot with several other spanking production companies, gotten hot wax poured on me, a needle shoved into my body and cups full of suction on my back and moved across the country.
My image appears in various states of undress and bruisedness quite a few places on the internet. I’m perfectly acceptable showing a lot of sides of myself in photographic form.
Publicly, I’m as okay with being this girl:
As I am being this girl:
Or even sometimes this girl:
So it gets hard for me to admit that sometimes, talking about things terrifies me. Sometimes I get a lot of anxiety. Well, you might say, that’s normal. Everyone gets anxious from time to time. You’re in a new place, at a new job, making new friends… of course you’re going to get nervous about these things.
The sad (for me) part is, those aren’t the things that are making me anxious. Spanking is.
It isn’t that I’ve gone away from spanking, or lost interest, or any of those strange things that supposedly happen to people from time to time. I’ve always had this feeling, ever since I was a little girl and I began thinking about spanking. The butterflies in my stomach. The shakiness in my hands when I think about it. The flush on my face when I say the word. The dumb, monotone voice that comes out of my mouth when I try to bring the topic of spanking up when it wasn’t already, even when among people I trust the most.
The anxiety reaches its peak when I’m in a situation where I might get spanked, and it increases in intensity as it becomes more and more obvious that a spanking is imminent. Generally speaking, though, the anxiety goes away simply by exiting the situation or, more enjoyably, by getting the spanking and having the release that’s associated with it. The spanking hurts and more often than not makes me cry, and I get rid of all the anxiety which built up as I was anticipating it.
This is the main reason that listening to someone else get a spanking makes me anxious (and why I tend to do dishes or bathe when someone else is getting a spanking so that I don’t hear it): because the spanking is real and I have to face the reality of the fact that I’m a spanko, that this thing which sounds scary is the thing that I like and that this is all real. These are all things that I generally try to celebrate, but even with my happiness, just create a nervous, sick feeling in me. When it’s someone else getting the spanking and not me, I don’t get the release that goes along with it, and the stress just stays in my body.
Despite the fact that I’m a spanking model, I can’t really watch spanking videos. They make me too nervous and uncomfortable. Having it real and happening in front of me without any connection to me makes me feel scared and pathetic. When I’ve watched my own videos to try to learn what I’m doing well, or when I’ve watched videos to learn about the companies that I want to shoot with, I often end up peeking at the screen through my hands, like a little kid watching a horror movie. I almost always end up turning the sound down extremely low.
Why don’t I ever talk about this? Because I’m embarrassed by how embarrassed I am about spanking. Generally speaking, it’s easier to just take a deep breath and talk about it than to admit that I have these insecurities. Besides, what kind of spanking model can’t even say the word “spanking” when sitting alone in a house where all the residents are spankos who scene together, and spanking is so much a part of our daily life that the wooden spoons in the kitchen are marked with “Cooking only- no spanking!” What kind of person spends six years getting spanked with hairbrushes, yet when asking her roommate to borrow one refers to it as “the thing you use to brush hair” out of discomfort saying the word? I’m supposed to be a pro at asking for spankings, yet when I try to these days, my voice either cracks or gets all monotone and my eyes get big and probably very sad or desperate looking. Somedays, I sit around thinking about getting spanked for over an hour without mustering the courage to bring it up. Sometimes, I honestly believe that if I hadn’t run into SF in the library and then creeped his stuff and discovered his spanko tendencies, that I would have died unspanked because I’d never get up the courage to find a partner, which seems pretty likely when you realize that I spent FIVE YEARS perving spanking sites before I made my first contribution to one.
Still, I’ve usually corrected my spankoanxiety with a simple trick: getting spanked. A good, hard spanking (and yes, I’m blushing as I type this) reminds me of all the things that I get out of a spanking, makes me feel safe and gives me a sense of belonging and gives me a channel for the stress that being a spanko causes me. There are other things that help, too: getting validation from the spanking community that I’m an accepted part of it and that they’re all okay and therefore I’m okay has always helped. Being on fetlife, blogging and modeling have boosted my spankoconfidence immensely.
But right now, I’ve been so anxious about spanking that I have a hard time getting through a blog post about it, which is just dumb. I’m not being judged by anyone, I’m having awesome spanking adventures and my life is wonderful. Like all things, the anxiety will come and go, I’m sure, until I figure out how to correct it entirely. In the mean time, I’ll just be squaring my shoulders and being very glad that my readers can’t see me blushing as I type this stuff. 😀
Does anyone else have this problem? How do you deal with it? Do share. I could use tips 😛
9 Responses to Spankoanxiety
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Oh, Hai!
Alex
Los Angeles, California, United States
First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.
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An amazing read as usual. From what I understand from speaking to other spankees, you’re not alone in this regard by any means. Some spankees get anxiety just having to say the word “Spanking”. So what you’re describing is perfectly understandable.
hello, omg girl u described me in a few things..except when i see a spanking or hear one i get excited and pissed cause i want it to be me..spanking for me started as aat least 5 if i remember right got curious but didnt get obssesed with it untill after my 2nd grade teacher spanked me for acting like a brat, it made me cry but after that i keep thinking about it and it just would not go away. So i started to look at movies, books, pictures with anything realted to spanking and told nobody and the few friends i told they said yr nuts and crazy, i caught myself doing things to get into trouble to get a spanking, but when i know its going to happen and it had happened in the last month i get butterflies, nervous and excited. but as the years went by i just needed to fullfill my drug with spanking i couldnt get nobody to spank me worth a darn, and i asked alot alot of people lol. I need to be spanked if i dont get spanked in a week i go crazy and nuts i get anxious and i have to fill the drug lol, being on fetlife and joining 2 local clubs has changed my life i’ve waited all my life to find friends who feel the same way i do and u are not alone..I am so jealous that u got to be a spanking model i would luv to be one i always have and have gotten turned down in the past by spanking compaines who said i wasnt pretty enough or didnt look like a playboy model but its their loss..when the internet came about i spent hours looking at so many different spanking sites and wanting to be a spanking model. I would luv if my life was spanking spanking and more spanking because its me and a part of my soul. As a kid i used to be embarssed to talk about spanking but when i became 18 i said to myself i shouldnt be freaked out if someone called me a freak cause i luv spanking, so what it makes me happy. Yes my feeling for spanking ever since i was little has always stayed strong and always will be 🙂 yr not alone. great blog alex 🙂 i hope i didnt bore u too much and i hope my comments made u feel a little better :)) badsherri69
I think you’re doing a great job of channeling your anxiety — which heightens the whole experience, IMO — into something constructive.
There’s something I learned from therapy: there is no shame in feeling an emotion. So being embarrassed is perfectly acceptable. Take the shame out of feeling embarrassed, and some of that anxiety will lessen. I embrace embarrassment. 🙂
Love your blog.
XX
I remember a time when I first came across a chat room of spankos and I couldn’t bring myself to even say the word spanking aloud, or in type, in that case. So my friend and I would write “sporting” when we meant spanking. Great code, right? Lol.
I don’t think you are alone in getting anxiety about things at all. You mention your feelings about hearing/seeing someone else be spanked. That’s something I really don’t like, it makes me very uncomfortable to the point I’ve just left the room to occupy myself with something else.
I’ve dealt with something kind of similar. I used to blush bright red and not be able to say any word relating to sex in a normal tone of voice. My owners had me repeat words, and instead of saying “um” in a conversation I had to say “cunt.” They also make me ask for things I want, which encourage communication as well as force me to vocalize what I want. This is my first D/s relationship so there is a lot of “whoa, I *want* that?!” I perved kinky porn sites for many years before landing in this relationship. Accepting the kinky side of me has been quite a journey. Be what you are.
That first photo of you is stunning!! Gave me some shoot ideas 🙂
I can also relate to your post!
BV- Thanks! I honestly sometimes still have trouble with saying it. Sometimes I can, sometimes… too awkward 😛
Badsherri69- I’m glad you shared! I really enjoy spanking modeling, but I’m certainly not a playboy model myself. I’m sure that as I improve myself in that area I’ll get more work.
Pink- That’s an interesting and very different view point. I’ll have to think about that 🙂
Lea- That’s kind of adorable and it makes me feel much better 😀
ShadesofBlue- Thanks for your perspective! I can’t imagine saying a difficult word instead of “um”! That sounds terrible! 0_0 I really appreciate your commenting here 😀
Cali- Send me an email whenever you’d like me to shoot, since I’m traveling quite a bit now 😀 I’m glad you can relate. <3!
It took me years to be able to say the word spanking out loud, and even about 14 years into my journey I struggle with the reality of who and what I am. I still get uber anxious talking about it face to face with anyone, but because I hate to be an idiot I try to force myself to seem nonchalant. That doesn’t really work out, I blush, I stammer, my voice fades into nothingness, and I get whiny. I haven’t really been present for anyone else getting spanked so I’m not sure how I would feel, but I’m sure that would be really hard for me also.
jenna kins- Yeah, I do the same thing: trying to sound nonchalant and coming out sounding really, really dumb. I also have a hardtime remembering to control my facial expression when just thinking about it and end up looking horrified in random situations 😛
Thanks for sharing how things are in your world. I really <3 comments and input 😀