Shortly after my sjamboking, ellee and YoggSothoth (who I shall now refer to as YS to save time on typing) got up and I started hanging out with them more. ellee and I were going to start coloring, something which we’d been looking forward to for a long time, when we heard that people were going outdoors to do outside spankings. This sounded like something that we wanted to participate in, so we found our shoes and jackets. Unfortunately, I had previously been wearing jeans. I packed them because I figured that jeans are a good thing to wear out in the woods. I forgot one key detail: this was a SPANKING party. (See also: my feelings on pants.) Because of this, I had decided that I was only going to wear panties on the lower half of my body for the rest of the day. Unfortunately, it’s winter and it was cold outside, so I had to put something on, so I settled for my Bambi fuzzypants. I also had the difficulty of having a long coat: Malignus says it makes me look like a crazy lady, but I argue that it’s warm and when you don’t wear pants, you need all the extra warmth you can get! When I reached the log which all the other bottoms were bent over (and some were already getting spanked!) I realized that I would have to leave my coat off.
Getting spanked while over a log in the woods was my first real interaction with a couple of the tops who were there. The swats hurt a little bit, even over my pants, especially because it was cold and the tops were using paddles and straps and such things, but mostly, my reaction was to laugh, because it was super fun to be getting spanked in a row with a bunch of other girls in the middle of the woods. I was also right next to ellee, and we were holding hands some of the time. Fun!
At some point while this was happening, Malignus started messing around with a little sapling that was growing in the ground near the fallen tree we were all bent over. He uprooted it (it still had a pretty complete root system) and directed me back into position. I was seriously cracking up about the idea of getting spanked with an entire tree. I was surprised when he hit me: I figured it was going to be a light and playful swat. I guess “light and playful” and “entire tree” don’t really go together. (Arguably, “light and playful” and “Malignus hitting Alex” don’t really go together most of the time, either.) Anyway, it hurt a lot. It was the thuddiest thing I’ve ever been hit with, which is really not surprising. He gave me four or five hard strokes while the other girls looked on in a combination of horror and amusement. I still have a bruise from that tree.
After beating me with an entire tree, he pulled a fairly thick and intimidating looking switch and gave me about ten strokes with that. The fact that I had my only switching experience on a cold bottom and thighs in the middle of the woods after being hit with a tree doesn’t really allow me to give a fair and balanced opinion of it, but I did get over some of my terror regarding getting longer switchings in the future. I did scream my head off into the woods, though. He then gave another girl three strokes with it (which she later described as the most painful thing she had experienced in her life that far!) and then gave Megan a few. Megan might have even less of a sense of self preservation than I do: she opted to pull her jeans down to get the switch. 0_0
We then went back up to the house and ellee and I got to work on our coloring. This was interrupted by YS giving ellee a strapping, and later, by him doing the same to me for the first time. Getting spanked by him was pretty exciting. It’s rare that I meet someone whose Dominance I immediately want to respect, but I felt that way about YS. I felt like calling him “Sir” almost immediately, making him only the fourth person I’ve habitually used an honorific with, ever. When I got in position for him to spank me, he told me to ask for it (I’d just seen the way that ellee had done this). In most circumstances, when someone other than Malignus gives me an order (outside of things we’d discussed for a scene) I get all scrunchy faced. I might even respond with “don’t you fucking tell me what to goddamn do!” But when YS told me to ask for my spanking, I didn’t even hesitate before saying “Please spank me, Sir.” It’s rare but lovely to find someone whose Dominance inspires me, and it made playing with him very enjoyable. He spanked me quite hard with a London Tanners’ strap. It was lovely.
Later, Malignus took a nap, YS went off to smoke a cigar with another Top and ellee and I were left unsupervised with our coloring. As I previously mentioned, ellee is a doctor. One of the things that she brought with her was her prescription pad. Ever since I moved from Los Angeles, I’ve wanted a pet. Specifically, I want a bunny. I wanted a cat, but I knew that would never happen, so a bunny seemed like the next best thing. I was totally in love with Ami’s bunny, Tomato, until it died.
|RIP Tomato 🙁|
I happened to know that ellee had amazingly adorable bunnies that were full of love and cuddles, and that one of them licked her face and cuddled her and stuff. We’d been endeavoring to get me a bunny for a long time, and we’d come up with what seemed like a perfect plan. ellee would write me a prescription for one. She got out her prescription paper and filled it out so that it was super official. She prescribed me one mini-rex bunny rabbit (live) for cuddling, with one refill (so I could have two! Bunnies are best in pairs). She signed and dated it and everything.
Earlier in the day, ellee had her doctor stuff out and was looking at Malignus’ eye (which was adorable, because she kept jumping up and down with excitement about it) and had also tested some of my reflexes and found that some were hypersensitive. When Malignus got up from his nap and ellee and I presented him with the prescription, she started with this information. She said a few serious doctor things, and then said something about scientific accuracy and peer review. Then Malignus looked at what the prescription was for and got immediately grumpy. ellee and I were pretty much rolling around on the ground laughing. We couldn’t let it go and kept saying things about how I was going to get a bunny and it was going to cuddle and love me, and finally, Malignus grabbed ellee by the arm and lead her towards the bedroom. While he was arranging things on the bed so that he could give her a spanking, she hid in the closet. It was a mini, half sized closet, so Malignus didn’t even think to look there when he turned around and discovered that she wasn’t there. He advanced toward me with “the look” on his face and demanded that I tell him where she was, but all I could squeak out was “she’s not here!” He turned to go look for her upstairs, but ellee was laughing too hard in the closet and gave herself away (which is good, because I would have eventually had to tell on her, and that would have been sad!)
|Artistic rendering of ellee hiding from Malignus in the closet|
Anyway, he found her, pulled her over his lap and spanked her very thoroughly, until she was saying she was sorry and and apologizing for misusing her medical privileges and I’m not sure what else. For a second, it might have seemed that I had gotten off free, but Malignus informed me that he wanted to wait until I had healed from my earlier spankings (including the sjamboking, the tree-ing and switching) before he gave me mine. I was very 0_0 at that news.
I’m not even halfway through telling the stories of the first full day at the cabin! I haven’t even gotten to 4:00 PM yet! This is going to be a long series of posts. Stay tuned! More tomorrow!
Note- This post is kind of mushy and self-serving. I’m okay with this.
As I’ve mentioned before, I can’t remember a time before I was obsessed with spanking. It was always there in the back of my mind and it felt like some sort of strange defect in me. There were times when I felt like it would ruin me. There were times when I felt like I needed to be institutionalized because of it. There were times when I wanted to kill myself over it. Dramatic much?
Now that I’ve met the most amazing man, made some of the best friends I’ve ever had and been part of one of the most positive communities I’ve ever been involved in because of spanking, it seems pretty stupid. I’ve talked before about my anxiety, but to most, I think I seem pretty well adjusted about my life in Spankingland. And I am. I love it. It’s a source of positivity, joy, happiness, growth and relief.
That said, I must confess to feeling something that I know many other spankos either feel or have felt: shame.
Shame was a corner-stone of my upbringing. The Christian environment in which I was raised taught me that there was a particular way that God made humans and that deviation from that norm was sinful and shameful. My early rational mind believed that things should make sense. If something didn’t make sense, there was probably something wrong with it. Unfortunately, my obsession with spanking didn’t fit the way that I believed I was meant to perceive a “normal,” godly individual, nor did it make any sense.
I got over the God part. I rebelled against the idea of the social norm and preferred to simply be myself. I came to enjoy being a blatant and unabashed sinner. Still, I want to live in a world which makes sense. I want to understand the origins of my actions. I want to know who I am and why. When something is veiled from me, I become angry and frustrated. I taught myself never to accept “just because” as an answer to things. I want to know why I’m like this. I want to know what made me this way. Is it genetic? Is one of my parents secretly a spanko? Is it something I was exposed to when I was very young and before I had the ability to retain memories? Is it entirely without reason, some random fluke? I’ve long believed that knowing why I ended up a spanko would make being one easier for me.
The truth is, I can’t know why, and knowing why wouldn’t be useful to me anyway. It wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make anything that feels wrong feel right. I, however, can do those things without any answers being required.
The origin of my affliction may be unknown, but the nature of the beast is not.
I’m a spanko. I like to be spanked. I like baring my bottom and lying over a lap. I like the feeling of being bare and vulnerable. I like the spanking itself. Even when it’s horrible, even when it’s with an implement I hate, even when I struggle and have a hard time lying still. I like to be spanked until I cry. I like to have my thighs spanked. I like the feeling of submission, of giving up my will. I like to be spanked for fun. I like to laugh during a spanking. I like having someone in my life who will give me disciplinary spankings when I am not my best. I like having an opportunity to grow. I like being corrected. I like being put in the corner. It makes me feel safe and contemplative. I like being put there with my bottom bare after a spanking to remain in the feeling of vulnerability, gather my thoughts and get the most that I can from the experience. I like getting spanked with my female friends. I like being comforted after a spanking, a gentle hand rubbing my back or my sore bottom. I like waking up and still feeling sore from the night before. I like learning about myself as a submissive and striving to be better. I like being rewarded with a hard spanking that brings me to happy tears when I’ve done an excellent job. I like getting a hard smack on my thigh or bottom at random, just because he feels like it. I like being a vessel for sadism. I like spankings that relieve my stress. I like spankings that make me feel loved. I like spankings that hurt terribly. I like spankings that don’t hurt quite as much.
I’ve found a way to be happy with who I am. It doesn’t matter why I am the person that I am. It only matters that I admit it and that I am going to force myself to stop feeling ashamed. Because you know what? You’re here, too. You like it, too. You wouldn’t be here, reading this, if you didn’t like spanking: giving it, getting it, watching it, thinking about it. Whatever. There’s a part of it that you like. That’s okay. Maybe you were born with it, like me. Maybe this is the first time that spanking has ever crossed your mind. Maybe you’ve got some other kink, or you’re mainly a BDSM person, and you’re interested in spanking. I won’t judge you. I won’t judge myself, either. And if someone DOES know, if someone DOES have the ability to read my mind when I’m thinking about spanking in the grocery store, if someone IS mentioning it in vanilla conversation because they suspect something about me, then oh, well. There’s nothing I can do about that. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world. If people don’t like me for it, then there’s nothing I can do about that, either. It won’t be any different than the friends I lost for having a girlfriend. I’m not going to throw it anyone’s face, but I don’t see the point in being so afraid anymore.
Really, I have nothing to be afraid of. Except the cane. And the lexan. Aaaaaaaaaaand pretty much anything on my thighs. 😉
Merry Christmas, everyone! I’m on holiday until the 3rd, which means that I’ll hopefully get a lot written and stored for your enjoyment in the coming weeks. I hope everyone has been enjoying whatever they celebrated.
For my, celebrations began with Malignus’ birthday on the 22nd. HeatherFeather and I had a bunch of fun preparing things: we blew up a billion black and red balloons and filled the house with them, got him some gifts and a cake and made a most delicious dinner. The cake was pretty much the best part, though: it’s so him:
You can see from this photo that another spoon was obtained. That was from HeatherFeather, with the condition that only I get hit with it. Because, you know, THAT’S fair. The spoon is from the same series as Warren, and the couple of whacks I got with it make it obvious that it isn’t going to be my best friend.
On the right side of the table, you’ll see a tube of Capzasin that I bought out of my own free will. Don’t freak out. I’m not insane, I promise.
Well, maybe a little. Or it’s just that whole thing with the lack of self preservation.
Doing that meant a lot for me in terms of submission, because I hate it pretty much more than any other thing. Just say the word and my face gets sad (the other night, I got scrunchy faced over the word “capsized” in a video game :P). That said, I’ve been trying to strike a balance between enjoying the fear that comes with partnering with a sadist and knowing that what happens to me is largely outside of my control and not getting irrationally terrified of anything and creating undue anxiety for myself. My feelings towards Capzasin were way too far over onto the side of irrational fear, and it seemed like an appropriate and beautiful thing to do to give up my protesting and indulgence of fear and take solace in not having control. I even ASKED FOR IT the other night, although I did a horribly pathetic job of it. I was snuggling after a spanking and I wanted to ask, even though I really, really did not want to receive it, just because I wanted to be able to accept it and be relaxed about it. I kept sighing as I tried to and failed, and after prompting I finally got the question out in that dumb, quiet, monotone voice. He said no, which made me incredibly happy. Usually getting myself psyched up over something and having it not happen is displeasing, but this worked out well. I’m hoping that next time it comes up, I’ll be able to remember my active part in things and that doing so will allow me to move more easily into submission. Hopefully someday soon, I’ll be able to ask for unpleasant things in a voice that gives the seriousness due to the situation (that is, not being excessively nonchalant) but which isn’t “um uh excuse me could I please… have that thing?”
I know that some people think that’s torture-horrible and should never be done, but it’s important to remember that, like a lot of things that are truly unpleasant, (like my nylon cane, or my lexan paddle, or thigh spanking at all) it serves a purpose within my relationship and I have, despite my dislike of it, I get something quite noteworthy from it in terms of submission.
Anyway, on Malignus’ birthday he gave us his birthday spankings. I was always pretty sure that those were supposed to be kind of light and fun, but Malignus gave HeatherFeather and I his with an acrylic cane. >_< It was fun, however, because it was the first time that HeatherFeather and I got spanked side by side, and that made the experience far more enjoyable. He did, however, hit me really, really hard 30 times (29 for his birthday, and 1 on my thighs because I said I was “fine” at the end when Heather asked instead of talking about how sore I was :P).
A few minutes later, I somehow got myself into a situation where I had the front of my thighs caned. He’d done it to another one of my friends one time, but never to me (although he’d hit me there with Jenny and lots of times with his hand) and the other day he hit HeatherFeather there twice. Heather had told me to ask him to do it to me, and because I have NO SENSE OF SELF PRESERVATION WHATSOEVER and will always say “Okay!” to something horrible that Malignus wants to do to me for “fun” I agreed and asked him to.
Holy cow, that hurts. The first two were pretty bad, and then I was matched with Heather. Then he asked me if I wanted as many as he’d given my other friend, and I said yes. The next two made me sob. It was incredibly hard to have what was happening be right in front of me: the psychological factor is 99 percent of things for me, and the sight and sound of an implement in motion have been known to make me gasp or cry out even if they never hit me. Knowing that those strokes were destined for a very sensitive part of my body was incrediscary. When those two were done, he asked me if I wanted one more, so I’d have done more than everyone else, which is just mean, because he knew that there’s no way I could say no to that. I had a hard time submitting to that last one, though, especially when he tapped it between two existing welts. I had to hide my face in a pillow. I was disappointed in myself for not being particularly submissive for the last stroke, but I know I’ll have other chances and I can just use that as a push to be awesome in the future.
The marks looked like this when it was over:
The side where the cane ended was incredibly more sore than the “near” side, which healed up quite nicely. The feeling of unevenness was really weird and awkward. It bothered me so much that I asked Malignus to even things out, but he refused because it amused him on a sadistic level.
I really, really enjoy being a vessel for sadism. I can enjoy playing with tops who are not sadistic as long as they truly love spanking, but there is really nothing that warms my heart more than knowing that something is horrible simply for the purpose of his enjoyment. I know that I sometimes whine and pout about the agony, but it makes me feel loved and it makes me feel like I’m being unabashedly myself. On Christmas Eve, Malignus hit me with a dishtowel (seriously!) in such a way that it made me cry. The absurdity of it was funny, and he was very, very pleased with himself and as I was crying, I felt very loved and like something was extremely right. It’s a very hard thing for me to articulate, so I’ll work on it for another time.
By the end of the week, HeatherFeather had left our apartment, not to return for some time, we celebrated Christmas together and then, on Christmas Day, I flew out to visit my remaining family of origin. I’ll be here until next Tuesday. I had a hard time leaving, because I find my family of origin stressful, it’s a difficult time for them right now to begin with and because, quite frankly, I don’t like leaving Malignus. I am taking a lot of comfort in the fact that when the week is over, I’m going home to him instead of it being that I visit him for a week and then leave. I imagine that coming back after the trip is going to make it feel even more home-like to me, and that’s a very nice idea.
My cousin was recently engaged, but she’s spending the holidays apart from her fiance, as they’re both with their families of origin in different states. She showed off her ring at the dinner table and talked about how she liked having something that came from him and showed his love for her on her body and how it made her never feel without him. While everyone was saying “awww,” I silently lifted the hem of my skirt and gently poked at the welts and bruises on the front of my thigh ;).
It’s been about five days since I last posted. That’s unusual for me! I love blogging and aspire to do it every day, if I can. That said, I’ve been a busy, busy girl.
In case anyone hasn’t heard me talking excitedly about it recently, I’m moving to South Dakota soon: in fact, I’m leaving Los Angeles in less than two weeks. There’s an awful lot to do, getting ready to move halfway across the country, by car, to a different climate, after having lived in the same place for two years. My time has been pretty divided between productivity: packing, sorting, cleaning, organizing, preparing and enjoying the time that I have left with my friends out here. As I’ve said before, they’re awesome people who I am going to miss a great deal, and I’m very glad that I’ll be visiting them frequently.
Thursday was my last munch with the Pasadena Roses and Thorns. Their December 2010 munch was my first public kink event of all time, and I’ve really enjoyed all the relationships I’ve built there. It was a fun but bittersweet evening. Maybe I cried a little bit over it. Maybe. Everyone knows, Alex never cries. 😛
This weekend, I got a lot of “to do’s” crossed off my list, and I got to spend quality time with a lot of friends. This included some of the best kind of time: time spent across a lap.
On Friday night, I went to Fetnoir’s “Procrasta-ween” party at Threshold with Maddy and her Daddy, Sir Siq. Sir Siq has become my unofficial protector within the local scene: I *can* take care of myself, but sometimes, having a 6’4″ man behind me is a comforting thing, especially when I’m prancing around a dungeon in something skimpy and ridiculous like this:
The party was very small: there was a larger event going on at a different play-space that night. Still, the people in attendance were good people, and three can be a party of itself. We had some snacks and hung out a bit, because Sir Siq and I were basically going to die of hunger when we arrived. Then we went into a black light room and Maddycake and I danced around for a while. Sir Siq was dressed as a soldier and had two airsoft guns with him as part of his costume. Have you ever been shot with an airsoft gun before? I had, in passing, over a layer or two of clothes. Mostly, I’d only been grazed with them. Like most things, airsoft guns hurt a lot more when you get hit with them directly on your bare bottom.
Sir Siq drew a target on each side of Maddycake’s butt and had her bend over a bench in the private room we were in. Then he shot her directly on the first target. Then she exploded.
Not literally, of course. She just freaked out, jumping up and shouting and hopping around. It took coaxing to get her back down for the other side (including promises that I believe have not yet been fulfilled) but he eventually took the second shot. I stood back and watched her freak out and complain of the extreme hurt. Have you ever heard of the term “morbid curiosity”? I’ve never understood the evolutionary purpose of such a thing. Anyway, I’ve got a bad case of that. “I tried this thing! It totally sucked!” my friends say and I say “OOOOH! WILL HE DO IT TO ME?!”
A few minutes later, I was the one with the targets on my bare bottom. Being shot with an airsoft gun is the strongest example of pain-lag that I’ve ever felt during a scene. I’ve read descriptions of people having a full second or two of lag behind the impact and full experience of pain from a caning, and while I agree that there’s a secondary pain which is much worse than the primary in those cases, it’s never taken all that long for me to experience it. With the airsoft gun, it took at least three seconds. I had long enough to stand up and look at Maddycake with one eyebrow raised, because I didn’t feel anything really. Then all the sudden, pain appeared. It felt like a hard cane stroke, only instead of being a line of hurt, it was concentrated into a dot of agony. It developed into a little welt that looks a bit like a bug bite. Then, I got back in position and he shot me on the other side. The second of anything is at least twice as difficult to relax through, and I did a good effort at stoicism but totally squealed when I got hit this time: before it even started to hurt. I’m not about to do this all the time, obviously, but it was very cool to find out what it was like.
We went and watched a class on Mummification Play (it fit the Halloween theme!) which was interesting. I’m clearly not about to engage in it, but it is always interesting for me to learn the how and why of another kind of play so that I can better know what my fellow kinksters are experiencing.
After the class, the three of us went into my favorite room at Threshold (the one where Princesstoy topped me) so that Maddycake could spank me. She sat down on the bench and I went over her lap, which was very nice: I think the last time I had a thorough spanking while OTK was in September, during this scene, and I am pretty much addicted to that position. Maddycake was dressed as a fuzzy, pink kitten and I had my Pikachu backpack to hug (I avoided putting my face on it because I had makeup on and didn’t want to mess him up) so it was a much more adorable spanking than I usually get. Maddycake also had on fuzzy, pink paws as part of her costume, and between volleys of spanks, she would rub my butt with the paw. Usually, I’ve been rather “whatever” about sensation play, but this was extremely nice. It’s not something I’d want to incorporate into my regular play, but every once and again, it would be super enjoyable.
After Maddycake’s arm got tired (she’s not usually a top :P) Sir Siq took over while I was still over Maddycake’s lap. He stood on the other side of the bench and spanked me with all the implements I had with me and did a very thorough job of it. I tend to talk about how I don’t like playing with non-spanko purists, but he created an atmosphere which worked extremely well for me and he had great physical spanking skill. I had my blue, rubber “running track” paddle with me, and near the end, he focused on using that because it was making the strongest reaction. I wailed and shrieked (because in a dungeon you’re allowed to be noisy!) and in the end, cried (while Maddycake was rubbing my back with the fuzzy paw). I didn’t realize just how much I needed to be spanked to tears right then until I got there, but I was able to let a ton of stress go. When the spanking was finished, I lay in position and hadn’t a care in the world: I just cuddled there feeling happy and content. Sir Siq put my Pikachu under my arm for me to cuddle and Maddycake rubbed me with the paw some more. It was lovely to feel so safe among my friends.
After a bit, I got up and checked out my butt, then we got photos:
Later, Sir Siq gave Maddycake a beating and I helped out: I worked on her butt a bit while he was cropping her on the back and later, I provided banter and under-bus-throwing. It was nice to watch them play, too: they have very good energy in a scene. Afterwards, Maddycake and I had the fun of having sore bottoms together and that’s always a lot of fun. Maddycake and Sir Siq played together until the club was about to close, so once that was finished, it was time to get home and into bed. I had another big day coming up on Saturday… [to be continued, tomorrow!]
I have a very high spanking need. I got a hard spanking last Saturday (which made me sob and left me sore for a few days) and by Thursday, I was already getting antsy. I headed down to Chinatown to pick up some cardboard boxes for my packing and I quickly discovered that I was jones-ing harder than I thought: I saw implements everywhere I looked.
I suppose that’s not all that unusual: what kind of spanko can look at a wooden spoon and think: “Oh, that’s for cooking”? The difference is that when I’m not getting spanked often enough, I abandon all sense of self preservation. What I would normally look at and say: “Unacceptable!” becomes intriguing. I find myself on sites like cane-iac, wondering if maybe I need an acrylic paddle or a multi-strand cane. I start seeking out pervertables to add to my amazon wishlist. I keep nagging all my friends to go with me to The Stockroom Store in Silverlake to oogle the canes and straps there.
When I’ve been spanked recently enough, I look at my collection of implements and think: “I have way more stuff than I even need.” I’ve got scary, awful stuff and I have things that can be used nicely. I have hairbrushes, paddles, canes and spoons. I have stuff made of wood, plastic and rubber. The only thing that I could argue to myself is the fact that I need leather implements, since I’ve recently decided that I’m fond of and comfortable with them, but those tend to be expensive, and I can’t justify spending too much money when I’m saving up to move.
|Not a bad collection, considering a year ago the only implement I had to my name was a single hairbrush!|
There are some people who fetishize their toys, and almost get more from purchasing implements than using them. These players seem to prefer to switch implements frequently during scenes and are more likely to use heavier implements in a lighter style simply for the enjoyment of using something scary. Honestly, at the end of the day, I prefer hand-spanking over anything else (in the entire world!) but I do enjoy collecting implements. I find picking out and purchasing, out of my own free will, something that will hurt a lot to be a great form of active submission. I think that’s why my desire to purchase implements peaks when it’s been a while between scenes: I want to participate in the crafting of my future agony. It’s a way to be actively involved now in something that will happen in the future.
I also love pervertables. I love spoons and hairbrushes: as a child, I rubbed my hand over the smooth, spanking surface of them and daydreamed (I never had the courage to self-spank when I was a kid). My very first implement was a hairbrush, one which is still in use. Just like I loved seeing the word “spanking” in the dictionary as a girl, I take great joy in finding something spanking related in a seemingly innocent place. So on Thursday, in Chinatown, I couldn’t help myself.
I ended up buying four things. First, I saw a selection of regular wooden spoons. I found one that was lightweight but long handled: it just seemed like it would be wickedly stingy. Then, after shopping around a bit, I came across a giant pair of chopsticks, to be used for cooking. They looked just like a pair of little canes. On another aisle, I discovered a textured spoon for serving rice. I’ve long been interested in obtaining one of these: I think that the spanking surface of it will be interesting, to say the least. It will certainly be different than anything else I already have. I was going to start haggling about the price when I noticed giant spoons. I have a thing for stupidly big spoons: the kind you couldn’t possibly use for anything else. The first one came from Little Tokyo and was named “FLUFFY!” by Malignus. This one looked like it might be slightly bigger than FLUFFY! and was, when picked up, certainly heavier. It’s made of slightly flexible plastic. It’s going to be awful.
|It’s hard to see the texture on the smaller white spoon, but know that it is covered in small, raised bumps.|
I got all four items for $7.50 when I finished haggling in my broken Mandarin. Once home, I tested them against my arm and discovered that they all hurt a ton. I got a chance to experiment with the textured spoon at Threshold on Saturday night (more about that later) and it was awesome. I’m excited to be spanked with the rest of them, and to experience the one I did play with in the hands of a more seasoned top. Buying them certainly gave me something more to daydream about in the meantime.
The other day, I was hanging out with one of my friends. We were having a lot of down-time, and every now and then, I’d space out and start daydreaming. After a little while of this, she said:
“Alex, what’s going on? You’re glowing like a pregnant fox!”
It took me a minute to figure out WTF she meant. Eventually, I figured out that she was making a reference to the film The Fantastic Mr. Fox.
So, I didn’t look exactly like that, but there’s no denying the fact that I’ve been very, very happy on a regular basis. There’s a lot of stress, sadness and uncertainty in my life right now, but everything is overwhelmed by a feeling of joy, excitement and mushiness. (No, I’m not pregnant.)
In just one month, I’ll be starting on the adventure which will bring me to my new home in South Dakota. Moving is inherently stressful. I have a long list of things that I need to get done in the next 31 days. It’s also bittersweet: Los Angeles became a home to me in the past two years that I’ve lived here. I realized that the next Pasadena Roses and Thorns munch will be my last (until I get back to LA for a visit and to do more spanking modeling) and that was a saddening thought. Roses and Thorns was my very first kinky event. I attended it not even a year ago. There, I met awesome people who would become constants in my experience in the community. I also met Princesstoy, one of my best friends in the kink world and out of it, through that munch, and later Epipelagic, Charlie Frown and MaskofNormality: friends who have never failed to bring a smile to my face and an engaging conversation to any setting.
My experience with Roses and Thorns lead me to step up to the challenge of creating a The Next Generation munch for Pasadena, which later evolved into PTNG: an amazing group of young people who have a ton of fun while educating ourselves about the kink scene. I’m going to miss that group, terribly. I’ll especially miss Maddycake and Sir_Siq, who have been there since the very first munch and who have become a very important, joyful part of my life. I’ll also be missing all the people I’ve met through Threshold, Fet Noir, The Eastside Munch and, especially, Sherman Oaks. I’ve had a few uncomfortable experiences, that’s true, but in general, I love the Los Angeles scene. I will always feel at home there. I’m very thankful to everyone who has made that experience what it’s been for me, and I’m looking forward to spending the next month having as many fun and rewarding interactions with everyone as is humanly possible. I can’t list everyone who has touched me (both emotionally and *ahem* physically) for lack of space, but know this: you are wonderful people, Angelinos. I’m very, very grateful that I got to know you and that I’ll be able to continue to interact with you long distance and on my visits.
The sadness of saying “goodbye”, even if it is not forever, plus the stress of having what seems like hundreds of things to do in the next month seem like they might overwhelm a girl. It’s true: I’ve certainly felt vulnerable. There have been times since the plans were set in motion when I let myself get a little too emotional and abandon some of my rationality, especially when talking about things that could be scary in the future. Still, the majority of my time has been spent with a giant smile on my face. Malignus (my boyfriend and Dominant with whom I am moving in) and I love each other a lot, and we complement each other beautifully. I’ve never desired to share my time and space with someone so strongly. I know it’s mushy, but I’ve talked a lot about the things I wanted but thought I’d never have, and a relationship like the one that the two of us share is at the very top of that list. I’m mostly focused on the excitement of the future.
|This is me, being positively unable to stop smiling.|
I hadn’t taken the time to talk about the fact that this is going on in my life in this particular venue, and I do feel it’s something worth sharing. I’m downright giddy at the prospect of the two of us being able to share our days. This Summa Cum Laude graduate from a Seven Sisters University is currently spending her days dreaming of making sandwiches, cleaning house and getting spanked on a daily basis. <dreamy sigh.> I’m sure there will be a lot of posts about things relating to this in the future, so I wanted to keep everyone up-to-date.