I want to start tonight’s post by saying thank you to everyone who reached out to me regarding last night’s post, either in comments, via email or by way of fetlife message. It turns out that I’m not the only girl who feels too big sometimes. Having a problem to which there is no solution but to change one’s attitude isn’t actually improved upon by knowing that one is not the only individual struggling with said issue, but there’s still something incredibly wonderful about knowing that you aren’t alone. When these moments come up, when I get vulnerable and explain something which I believe makes me odd and I’m met with the support of my friends and the understanding of others who struggle with similar issues, I’m reminded of why I got into the community in the first place. I remember the first day that I realized that other people were into spanking and I wasn’t some kind of bizarre weirdo. It’s such a good feeling that it makes me tear up a little bit. I can’t say enough times how thankful I am for the family that I’ve made in the scene. It seems to be constantly growing, too, and I’m grateful for that, as well. One can never have too many friends, and that’s a scientific fact because Hello Kitty said so.
This weekend, I got to spend a little time with a girl who was meeting other spankos in real life for the very first time. We didn’t really talk about things very much, because we haven’t gotten to know each other well yet and I think that we both felt some level of shyness, but it made me really happy in the heart-bits. Aside from people who I met in the Vanilla world who later turned out to be spankos (like V. and Peachy Keane), I don’t think I’ve ever been one of the first people that someone met in the community. I’m glad that I got to be part of that. 😀
Well, now that I’ve gotten all the heartwarming stuff out of the way, it’s time to talk about all sorts of cool developments that have been happening for me as a spanking model and spanking writer. I also want to add that I hate the word “heartwarming” because it sounds like “heart worming” to me and makes me think of diseased dogs. (I swear I haven’t been drinking. It’s just 90 degrees in the middle of the night and we don’t have air conditioning in my bedroom. -_-)
You may have noticed that I was interviewed by The Cameraman over on The Spanking View recently! Here’s a snippit from the interview:
|It’s me, giving Clare Fonda her last spanking from a female!|
Anyway, you should check out the rest of the interview if you haven’t already, and keep up with The Spanking View. I’m very fond of The Cameraman, and I’m looking forward to working with him again this fall. 😀
Next, there’s the fact that a snippet from one of my posts about TASSP was featured on Spanking Blog! This was tremendously exciting for me because I’ve read Spanking Blog for a long time: the site is actually how I discovered what a “blog” was, and I read it before I had even received my first spanking. So, that was pretty cool and exciting for me. It made me feel very “legit” when I looked at my top traffic sources and saw that one of them was from them. “Huh? People are getting to my site from there? This isn’t a list of places that I’ve been looking at?” If you don’t already follow them, you absolutely should. I like the way that they feature snippits from other people’s posts and stories, and I’ve followed their crumbs to lots of great stuff.
Next, I’m very pleased to announce that my essay “Sex and Spanking: A Personal Perspective” was published in Wellred Weekly’s issue 9. Wellred Weekly is a great spanking publication. Real care and effort goes into the selection of the pieces, the presentation on their site and keeping a balance between the various sorts of writing and features that they include. I was really honored when I was approached to be included, and I hope that you enjoy reading issue 9. 😀
Last but most certainly not least, I’ve got my Clips 4 Sale store up and running after months and months of it…not happening for various reasons. I have more content that I’ll be uploading weekly, and I have plans to shoot plenty of brand new, exclusive content. I’ll be introducing a brand new, never before seen spanking model sometime soon, too.
Now that I’m producing my own clips, I’m open to suggestions. Just drop me a line at firstname.lastname@example.org. 🙂
Well, that’s all for tonight! I need to go take an ice-cold shower before I try to get myself to pass out in order to avoid heat-exhaustion.
The following is a piece entitled “Genetic vs. ‘Interest'” which was written by my friend, Thursday Knight, and posted on fetlife. It raised several points that are important to me and that I wanted to add my thoughts on.
The day I opened up my fetlife account was on my 18th birthday. Throughout the internet, various websites had a new user of “Thursday Knight”–all of them spanking related.
I am a spanko; ever since the age of three years old I’ve had the desire to be spanked. While holding true to most spankos who can relate, I had all the signs. Anything spanking related in books or TV was a rare obsessive delight (the clock in Disney’s Pinocchio, Benjamin Bunny, and countless other things), looking up the word “spanking” in the dictionary, getting the topic brought up among friends to find out if they had any personal stories, etc. etc. etc.
The thing is, I did not choose this condition. I did not choose to be sexually dysfunctional (and despite spanking being a very ‘mild’ sexual deviancy, it still is not ‘normal’). Yet…what astounds me is that people do choose it.
Now, for the sake of whoever may be reading this, this is not an attack. Or even judgement. I am simply pointing out that there are many people on this website who choose to get into “the lifestyle”.
From experience, I started typing in spanking searches into the internet when I was thirteen. Other people with sexual fetishes (note that a “fetish” is described as: a form of sexual desire in which gratification is linked to an abnormal degree to a particular object, item of clothing, part of the body, etc. [NOT] “it just turns me on”) I would assume would do likewise. They would want to connect, find out more people who think like they do.
But besides the casual “bedroom partners”, how do average people who want to “spice” up things, suddenly become “rope professionals” and “vampiric dominate daddys”? When they were growing up did they have a small interest and it grew? Or did they “decide” that this would be okay? What would possess someone to come up with the idea that people can come together and have parties where they’ll tie each other up and eat snacks?
I’m not saying there is anything wrong with it, I am purely wondering where someone would come up with the notion.
Is it human nature to deviate from the norm? Are human minds just naturally perverse and therefore susceptible to the malleability of something new? They hear about something from a friend or on TV and realize that sounds fun?
Or is something genetic at play? Are those “vanillas” who will never even think a website like this, and perfectly happy too, every know (what we feel) they are missing?
Pretend your partner and you had a ‘normal’ relationship with very little concept of what you do now with each other, would that relationship still work? Would you think he is a lazy ass? That she is a needy attention-hog?
If these feelings are genetic (or at least a genetic disposition, in that our brains are pre-disposed to this sort of thinking) would they serve the purpose of balancing out our mental stability?
What makes people with an “interest” want to “choose” to be different in this way?
One last thought: Could you truly live without your kinky-doings and be happy? If someone said “You can be painlessly euthanized or live without ever doing your fetish/kinky thing ever again.” Could you?
I, I could not.
Thursday’s post resonated with me for a couple of reasons. First, she brought up an issue which I’ve often wondered about: why would anyone choose this? I’m also not attacking and I’m not pointing fingers. I don’t think that there is anything wrong with choosing to join the lifestyle. I just don’t see why one would. In fact, when I first started attending munches and other kink events in Los Angeles, it didn’t occur to me that there would be people there who weren’t “born with it” the way that Thursday and I (and I’m sure many of you) were. In fact, I operated under the assumption that the people I met who were into bondage were as excited when they saw a damsel in distress tied to the train tracks in a cartoon as Thursday and I were when we saw that Benjamin Bunny getting thrashed with a switch for his naughtiness in the picture book. Now, there *are* people who are bondage fetishists. I know one person who was involved in doing self bondage from a very young age indeed and several who always thought about being immobilized or secured in various ways. But many of the people who I’ve met who are into bondage, or D/s, or general impact play simply were told about it, gave it a shot and found it interesting. It sort of baffles me. There are people who choose this. They became curious about deviant behavior and decided that it was somehow worthwhile for them to engage in. Were they equally predestined to enjoy their lifestyle activities and simply unaware that they existed? Is one actually able to control their identity so much as to select something like this and make it his or her own? And to what end? I’m open about the fact that my involvement in the spanking and BDSM communities enriches my life, but I can’t imagine that the lifestyle is inherently enriching. The growth, joy, development, relief et cetera that I gain from my activities seems to me to be based on fulfilling something which has always existed. It doesn’t naturally follow that a person who developed without those early desires would have the same, or even a slightly similar, response to being exposed to the stimuli that I find valuable.
Part of the reason why I’m slightly taken aback by this is because I’ve always seen my spankophilia (if it can be called that because it isn’t sexual) as, at worst, a deformity and, at best, some sort of social hindrance. I’m not ashamed of it anymore, but it has always been something which made my life more complicated. Like Thursday, I can’t imagine myself being happy if I couldn’t have spanking in my life. Given the choice, I’d sooner give up almost anything else. I’d go so far as to be prefer losing a couple of limbs over losing spanking. I don’t want to say that I NEED to be spanked, but it’s hard not to. At the very least, I need to have it in my life on some level. I don’t ever NEED a spanking in a particular moment, but I truly don’t know if I could have a satisfactory existence without it. Other kinksters who aren’t spankos but like spanking want to be spanked or to spank others. In many ways, we require it. Requiring something brings along a boatload of things to work through and accept, fears, insecurities, difficulties et cetera. It also places a high value on something that can be very hard to find– that is to say, a good spanking partner.
It’s a lot of interesting stuff to think about, and it’s territory that I don’t often cover for fear of being offensive and making too many waves. So: what do you think?
It’s not a secret: I cry from spankings a lot. There are videos of me crying available from Spanking Court, Assume the Positions Studios, and Lily Starr Spanking. I talk about it here all the time, too, and I’ve posted about it on various fetlife threads from time to time. So it isn’t surprising that one of my friends sent me a message asking me for more insight into my ability to cry. This is the second time that I’ve been inspired to respond to a question in the form of a blog post, because my thoughts organized themselves so well that I figured that others might enjoy reading my insights as well.
There are several different ways in which a spanking can make me cry. I can break my crying during a spanking down into several categories:
*Crying fueled by regret for bad behavior.
This is one of the more common forms of crying from a spanking in general, and the psychology of it is very straight forward. This takes place during disciplinary spankings. In my opinion, if a spankee is in this mindset and that is not the intended atmosphere of the spanking, then something is wrong. Either the top has not communicated the intended purpose of the spanking effectively or the bottom is dwelling on previous or otherwise unaddressed bad behavior. This is the easiest way for me to cry during a spanking, although it is rarely ever particularly difficult.
The atmosphere of a disciplinary spanking keeps my mind focused on my wrong-doing and just how unenjoyable it is to be punished. This atmosphere makes me extremely vulnerable and therefore makes my experience of the spanking much more physically painful. For me, a spanking serves this purpose most effectively if it is delivered either very sternly or, in certain situations, harshly. What’s the difference? To me, a “stern” delivery is very calm and controlled, with some level of formality, but unbendingly serious. A “harsh” delivery involves some expression of annoyance (as opposed to just displeasure) and is a bit “gruffer”: there might be some raising of the voice or rougher shoving back into position. It’s the difference between “Bare your bottom and get in position” and “get your pants down and get over my lap RIGHT NOW!” The latter is generally more effective if the offense which has earned me the punishment is related to my attitude, just because it’s more jarring and it makes it much harder for me to keep feeling sorry for myself. 😛
Either way, the creation of this atmosphere makes me vulnerable and receptive, and it makes me most contrite and regretful, and therefore brings me to tears very quickly.
*Crying fueled by stress relief/emotional release.
This is the kind of crying that happens when I get that feeling that I just need a good spanking. This happens when I feel like I’ve been keeping things inside myself, or I’ve been struggling hard with something, or life has been wearing me down. These spankings have always been most effective for me i they begin with sternness until I reach the point where I’ve begun to cry and then the tone becomes more affectionate. Again, this is about being vulnerable: in this case, the spanking is effective because I allow myself not to fight against it (or, if I cannot do such a thing on my own, to break me down) and instead use it to push everything out. I originally imagined that a stress relief style spanking would be calm and soothing, but I discovered with experience that it works best for me when it’s merciless, hard and long. A good example of this sort of spanking can be found in the story told in the last couple of paragraphs of this post.
*Crying fueled by relief.
This is a different kind of relief than stress relief. It’s relief that a long anticipated spanking is finally happening. This sort of tears is generated by a spanking that is usually very connecting, reaffirmative and filled with caring. Alternatively, these tears can be part of the reason I cry during a long awaited punishment. The point is, I’m moved to tears by the feeling that I’m back where I belong and that I’ve obtained something that I’ve long desired, or that some sort of waiting period has ended. My first spanking was the ultimate example of this: I was overcome with the most extreme relief I’d ever felt, since the burden of waiting for my first spanking was finally lifted from me. These tears are very happy, and filled with satisfaction.
|Photo by Assume the Position Studios|
*Crying fueled by submission or surrender.
Some bottoms talk about subspace- going off into some floaty, magical, trance-like, trippy state from getting a very hard beating which pushes them towards submission. They sink into the bed, they stop feeling pain, they float on endorphines, they get high, they can’t talk properly…
This doesn’t happen for me (although it did once). I’m a very cerebral person, and I’m uncomfortable letting go of my awareness. Instead, when I’ve been pushed to a place where I cease my fighting, I get to a point of submissive crying. It’s a calm sort of sobbing where there’s no urgency in the sound. I’ve given myself over to the spanking that I’m receiving and I have no will regarding when it will end. It’s certainly not as exciting to talk about, or as filled with mystery and intrigue as traditionally described subspace is, but the land of my submission is just a place where I lie still and take a lot of hurt and cry about it. It probably sounds pretty pathetic to a listener, and it doesn’t feel “good” in a traditional sense, but it’s a very peaceful place where I feel incredibly safe and loved.
*Crying fueled by physical pain.
What’s that?! It’s kind of taboo in the spanking community to admit that crying happens because a spanking hurts, but for me, yeah, that happens. I know that the fact that it’s a safe environment where I’m engaging consensually in something that I love and that I’m allowing to make me vulnerable plays a part in it, but even with amazing atmosphere and the best, most loving connection between me and my Top (so, when Malignus is spanking me), I’m going to get to crying much more quickly from a hard paddling than from a hand spanking. It’s not like I cry because things hurt in my non-spanking life (except for the occasional migraine) so it’s clearly not all about the physical pain, but I won’t deny that a harder, faster paced, longer spanking (that is to say, one which hurts more) will be far, far more likely to bring me to tears.
Note- This post is kind of mushy and self-serving. I’m okay with this.
As I’ve mentioned before, I can’t remember a time before I was obsessed with spanking. It was always there in the back of my mind and it felt like some sort of strange defect in me. There were times when I felt like it would ruin me. There were times when I felt like I needed to be institutionalized because of it. There were times when I wanted to kill myself over it. Dramatic much?
Now that I’ve met the most amazing man, made some of the best friends I’ve ever had and been part of one of the most positive communities I’ve ever been involved in because of spanking, it seems pretty stupid. I’ve talked before about my anxiety, but to most, I think I seem pretty well adjusted about my life in Spankingland. And I am. I love it. It’s a source of positivity, joy, happiness, growth and relief.
That said, I must confess to feeling something that I know many other spankos either feel or have felt: shame.
Shame was a corner-stone of my upbringing. The Christian environment in which I was raised taught me that there was a particular way that God made humans and that deviation from that norm was sinful and shameful. My early rational mind believed that things should make sense. If something didn’t make sense, there was probably something wrong with it. Unfortunately, my obsession with spanking didn’t fit the way that I believed I was meant to perceive a “normal,” godly individual, nor did it make any sense.
I got over the God part. I rebelled against the idea of the social norm and preferred to simply be myself. I came to enjoy being a blatant and unabashed sinner. Still, I want to live in a world which makes sense. I want to understand the origins of my actions. I want to know who I am and why. When something is veiled from me, I become angry and frustrated. I taught myself never to accept “just because” as an answer to things. I want to know why I’m like this. I want to know what made me this way. Is it genetic? Is one of my parents secretly a spanko? Is it something I was exposed to when I was very young and before I had the ability to retain memories? Is it entirely without reason, some random fluke? I’ve long believed that knowing why I ended up a spanko would make being one easier for me.
The truth is, I can’t know why, and knowing why wouldn’t be useful to me anyway. It wouldn’t change anything. It wouldn’t make anything that feels wrong feel right. I, however, can do those things without any answers being required.
The origin of my affliction may be unknown, but the nature of the beast is not.
I’m a spanko. I like to be spanked. I like baring my bottom and lying over a lap. I like the feeling of being bare and vulnerable. I like the spanking itself. Even when it’s horrible, even when it’s with an implement I hate, even when I struggle and have a hard time lying still. I like to be spanked until I cry. I like to have my thighs spanked. I like the feeling of submission, of giving up my will. I like to be spanked for fun. I like to laugh during a spanking. I like having someone in my life who will give me disciplinary spankings when I am not my best. I like having an opportunity to grow. I like being corrected. I like being put in the corner. It makes me feel safe and contemplative. I like being put there with my bottom bare after a spanking to remain in the feeling of vulnerability, gather my thoughts and get the most that I can from the experience. I like getting spanked with my female friends. I like being comforted after a spanking, a gentle hand rubbing my back or my sore bottom. I like waking up and still feeling sore from the night before. I like learning about myself as a submissive and striving to be better. I like being rewarded with a hard spanking that brings me to happy tears when I’ve done an excellent job. I like getting a hard smack on my thigh or bottom at random, just because he feels like it. I like being a vessel for sadism. I like spankings that relieve my stress. I like spankings that make me feel loved. I like spankings that hurt terribly. I like spankings that don’t hurt quite as much.
I’ve found a way to be happy with who I am. It doesn’t matter why I am the person that I am. It only matters that I admit it and that I am going to force myself to stop feeling ashamed. Because you know what? You’re here, too. You like it, too. You wouldn’t be here, reading this, if you didn’t like spanking: giving it, getting it, watching it, thinking about it. Whatever. There’s a part of it that you like. That’s okay. Maybe you were born with it, like me. Maybe this is the first time that spanking has ever crossed your mind. Maybe you’ve got some other kink, or you’re mainly a BDSM person, and you’re interested in spanking. I won’t judge you. I won’t judge myself, either. And if someone DOES know, if someone DOES have the ability to read my mind when I’m thinking about spanking in the grocery store, if someone IS mentioning it in vanilla conversation because they suspect something about me, then oh, well. There’s nothing I can do about that. It’s certainly not the worst thing in the world. If people don’t like me for it, then there’s nothing I can do about that, either. It won’t be any different than the friends I lost for having a girlfriend. I’m not going to throw it anyone’s face, but I don’t see the point in being so afraid anymore.
Really, I have nothing to be afraid of. Except the cane. And the lexan. Aaaaaaaaaaand pretty much anything on my thighs. 😉
Well, after my rather somber post the other day, it’s time to return to my adventures and stories. I hope everyone missed me :P.
Anyway, on to the rest of my trip!
We left Los Angeles directly from Threshold and drove to Las Vegas. It was a sad departure, but I was excited to be on the road to new places, to meet new people and to start my new life.
We arrived in Vegas fairly late and ended up going to bed fairly early. I still find staying in hotels exciting, and this was by far the nicest one I’d ever been in.
|Don’t I look cozy?|
We spent the next day on the strip, which was full of win. We walked around trying to see everything we possibly could from what seems like dawn to dusk. When we were finished, the bottoms of my feet were bruised.
|Aren’t we the best ever?|
There wasn’t a ton of spanking during the Vegas portion of the trip: we were busy, I was still extremely emotional from moving and a few other things made it not ideal. However, when HeatherFeather and I were waiting around for Malignus in front of one of those places where they fill your face in a photo, we came across this:
We both turned neon red, but for the first time ever, I was able to keep looking at something spanking related in a public, vanilla setting. I guess the reaction has gone from wanting to throw up to having fits of giggles, which is what HeatherFeather and I end up doing every time we look at kitchen stores. 😛
From Vegas, we drove to Salt Lake to visit a good friend and her family there. We were in a vanilla, family setting, so there was extremely little spanking conversation going on, but when we did steal away for a moment as “just grown ups” we giggled even more than usual. Salt Lake City was incredibly beautiful and very, very dry. The three of us weren’t used to the elevation, and I kept getting nose bleeds >_<. Also, my friend there has pretty much the greatest children I’ve ever, ever met. Just saying.
|Utah is pretty!|
I was sad that I didn’t realize that lea lives in SLC until after I was about to head out, because it would have been awesome to meet up with her.
From Utah, we drove to Colorado Springs, where I visited with Ami. I absolutely adore Ami. She’s one of the best people ever. We had a bunch of fun, and she took really beautiful photos of the three of us at Garden of the Gods.
|I <3 HeatherFeather! Photo by Ami.|
Because we were at a spanko house, I got a couple of good, hard spankings, which did wonders for my mood. Additionally, Malignus proved the point that he can make ANYTHING hurt by spanking us with my feather duster and making it actually painful. That’s ridiculous! It’s covered in FEATHERS. >_<
One night, while we were driving back to Ami’s place from having visited someone in Bolder, Malignus fell asleep in the car and HeatherFeather, Ami and I started sharing Spanko Stories. We talked about how we first discovered our desires, the way that they haunted us as children, times when we got “caught” and how people reacted, the embarrassing things that we did to try to act out or cope with the things we wanted and the deep, dark feeling that there was something horribly wrong with us for the things that we wanted. I know that all spankos go through the same thing, but there was something amazing about being in the flesh with two other girls who lived through the same sort of thing as I did when I was young and knowing that now, the three of us have a happy life where we are able to enjoy getting our bottoms bared and thoroughly spanked by men that we care for and respect. Being in the company of hard-wired spankos is truly magical for me. I really do equate it to going to Hogwarts or Professor Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters or something like that. There’s a whole secret world out there, where we are normal and get to celebrate the things that were previously a source of shame. Driving in that car with the man I love asleep next to me and two girls who I truly love like sisters, I felt a sense of comfort and love that I’ve rarely come to allow myself to feel. It was an amazing moment.
Adventures will continue tomorrow (for real!)