A quick (and insanely sentimental) post, because I’m worn out from a long day of shooting, but today is an important day!
Ten years ago today, I found myself upturned across a lap for the first time, receiving my first ever spanking. I was eighteen years old, and I’d been craving that moment for as long as I could remember. I’d been thinking about spanking since I was old enough to think real thoughts, and as I had grown older, it had become an obsession.
In my early teen years, I felt so much self loathing because of my kink. I truly believed that there was something wrong with me, and that I would never be able to be truly happy because I needed something that I didn’t believe was available to me.
Of course I had seen spanking sites and forums, although I’d never been brave enough to post there. So I knew that there was some sort of community, with events and meetups. But I was afraid to even say the word aloud, let alone to go to a place where this was happening right before my eyes. In order to get what I wanted so badly, I would have to admit to myself, and then to another person, what exactly that was. And that thought terrified me.
Of course, I also had to turn 18, too. That was another setback.
My life has always been full of duality. I have “mixed luck.” I’ve had dark and awful things happen to me, but I’ve also had times where something perfect just fell into place and changed my life forever.
Meeting my first top in a totally vanilla setting and finding out, by accident, that he also had a similar kink to me was one of those things. If I had been required to take initiative towards finding a spanking partner, I don’t know when I would have built up the courage to do so.
This isn’t the anniversary of my entry into the scene, though. For the first five years, I played privately and only with SF, my first Top. The other leap was too big for me to make yet. I started really slowly, but I eventually became brave enough to keep expanding my comfort zone. But if it wasn’t for this day ten years ago, when I finally made my fantasy a reality, if I hadn’t made that first step, none of this could have happened.
I know it’s hard to believe that I used to be so shy back then, but it’s true. My ability to put myself “out there” the way that I do comes from a lack of shame about who I am and what I am into. I used to believe that my kink was a failing on my part, a disorder, something to be ashamed of. Now, I feel none of that. Spanking is the thing which has given me the most happiness in my life, and which has opened up the most wonderful opportunities for me.
Being able to be myself in this regard has helped me to accept other parts of me and to be myself completely without a need to hold anything back. In a way, this is the anniversary of the first step in me finding my real identity, learning where I fit in and all in all, being okay.
I remember how nervous I felt once the possibility of getting my first spanking became real, too. There was a whole other rush of emotions. What if it wasn’t anything like what I had fantasized? What if I didn’t like it at all in real life? I sometimes thought that I’d be able to do this once and cross it off my bucket list and that I’d never need it again. I felt halfway worried that this wouldn’t be the case and halfway worried that it would. I think I was starting to realize that this was just part of who I am, maybe, based on that fear.
I sometimes wish I could talk to the girl I used to be before I found my way into this Spankingland. I’d tell her that everything was going to be okay. There’s nothing to worry about. There’s a whole kinky world out there, and it’s chock full of people who will love and support you. Through sharing your kink, you’ll get to meet people from different walks of live that you never would have connected with. Sure, there are going to be jerks and people who will truly hurt you out there, but you’re going to meet amazing people. You’ll make the best friends you’ve ever had.
Through this, you’re going to meet a man who loves you, cares for you and values you in ways that you never thought possible.
You’re going to travel all over the place and get to explore parts of the world previously only available to you in books. You’ve never even been on an airplane before, and you haven’t seen much of the world. But one day, you’re going to feel at home in more places than you can count.
Everywhere you go, you’ll know someone. Because you’re not the only one who feels like this. There are tons of people who share your thoughts, your fantasies, your fears. The things that made you feel so weird won’t seem so strange anymore one day. You’ll sit in a hotel suite with a group of friends one day and joke about the movies that you used to watch over and over again, waiting for a thirty second spanking scene, or the way your dictionary opened to “SP” page on it’s own due to frequent viewing.
And, despite the fact that the world you’re about to dive into isn’t perfect, it’s really good. And you’re going to be happy. You wrote a list of things you wanted from life in your tattered black leather diary. In the next ten years, you’ll get almost all of them, and this is a huge step towards a lot of the things you want.
You’re going to live the dreams you didn’t dare to dream, because you’ve learned to dream small, to destroy your desires and to settle for what you get.
This moment is a rubicon. It’s true, there’s no going back from here. But this isn’t something to be afraid of. It’s something to celebrate.
Yes, it’s going to hurt. And yes, you’re going to love it. And no, you’re never going to want to stop.
You don’t like yourself much, but one day you will. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed of.
Most importantly, you’re okay.
So, my blog is officially 200 posts old. Realistically, that’s a very small number of posts per year, but it’s what I’ve been able to do. Here’s to getting through the next 200 posts much more quickly!
Realizing just how many posts I’ve written made me want to go back and skim some of the old ones. There were lots of milestones and adventures recorded, changes in my writing style as time has gone by and a drastic improvement in my skin quality, makeup ability, hair and eyebrows as I’ve grown into myself a little bit.
In case you haven’t read all 200 posts (and really, who has?!) here are a few memorable ones to look at:
My First Adventure in Spanking Modeling: a post describing my first ever spanking shoot with Assume the Position Studios three years ago.
A Spanko on Folsom Street: in which I visit the Folsom Street Fair with friends, take oral history from aging Old Guard leathermen and question how I fit into the BDSM community as a spanking fetishist.
My First Spanking: in which I describe my first spanking experience, which had happened several years before this was written.
Curious About…: this post includes my original spanking bucket list. I still have not sat down in the snow after being spanked, but I have done everything else!
Limits: in which I describe what I saw as my limits at the time of writing. This list has nothing to do with my limits today, and shows what a different headspace I was in back then. Some aspects of it are influenced by the preferences of my partner at the time. Others are because I didn’t really feel comfortable with aspects of myself yet. Others aren’t made into a hard enough limit because damn, for no reason is someone going to do these things to me these days. Interesting how one develops.
Where Has Alex Been: Part 1: in which I first announce that I’m planning on moving to South Dakota, dress as a slutty Pikachu and get shot in the ass with an airsoft gun on purpose.
Adventures: Part 1: in which I actually begin the process of moving to South Dakota, try wax play and needle play and have the worst skin I’ve ever had, my god, why was I allowed out of the house? Although not mentioned in the post, this was written when my brother first entered the hospital for the last time before passing away.
International AIDS Day: in which I come out to the public about the fact that my brother’s life had recently come to an end due to an opportunistic infection caused by AIDS.
Shit Spanko Girls Say: This was pretty funny.
Fetlife Comments Most People Don’t Enjoy: this was sort of a first draft of what would, over a year later, become pretty much the most popular thing I ever wrote.
Zeldagony: Part 2: This was my first post ever to be Chrossed. I felt like such a boss when this happened. The post itself is about how Malignus made me play Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time and punished me when I was not good at video games. Parts of this experience were actually super fun. Other parts of it were signs that our relationship was quickly spiraling to an extremely unhealthy place. I didn’t re-read this post so I don’t know how much of that can actually be picked up by reading it.
The Care and Keeping of a Frequently Spanked Bottom: I really need to write an updated version of this, as I have learned a lot of new things, but this is still a good guide and I think that I’m funny.
On Being Spanked to Tears: I explore what makes me cry and why. Another topic I should probably revisit sometime soon!
Happy Face: In which I finally got my driver’s license. I can’t believe it was that recently!
A Blog Post About Sex: In which my views on sex, kink and how they interact are entirely different than they are today.
First Party: Chapter 1: In which I went to my first overnight spanking gathering at a cabin. At the time I was very focused on having met a couple of people who became very close to me for a while and then ended up not staying in my life, but I also first met Joe and Ten there, who are some of the people in the scene who have remained (without fail) the most loving and supportive. I’m seriously thankful that I met them.
First Party: Final Chapter: In which I talk about the first scene that Joe and I had together and feel pretty confused about what those “positive feelings” I was having were!
The Struggle: In which I try to talk about entirely unreasonable expectations that my ex set for me as if they were reasonable, and in the comments section, Pandora Blake first suggests that this is actually unreasonable and I first start to consider this idea.
Shamrocks and Sjamboks: Where I got in trouble in a most hilarious way. Also included: videos of me and Heather Green (then Michaels) spanking each other and Malignus caning us.
Submission Topic: Polyamory and Submission: I try to take apart why it’s traditionally seen as acceptable for a Dom to have two subs but not the other away around, and I try to explain how serving two or more different people works.
Vacation: In Which I Meet Erica Scott: Exactly as it says on the tin (as Paul would say)! I went back to Los Angeles and met Erica Scott for the first time. It’s hard to imagine my life before she was a part of it, now. She means so much to me.
In and Out of Spankingland: Following my return from vacation, Malignus broke up with me for the first time. We then lived in a weird situation where all our relationships were “on hold” for a while, until he finally gave me a list of things I had to change about myself (which included some things fundamental to my personality and other things like the sounds that I make when drinking). Malignus always asked me not to post about anything negative involving our lives (a habit that has made it very hard for me to open up publicly, but I’ve been getting better at it over the past year) and so I did not announce that my life had basically fallen apart, but I did write this post. I went for three months without getting spanked during this time. None of this is really included in the post, but it’s important background.
Welcome to Sternwood Academy: In which we did one of the most fun shoots that ever happened, ever.
TASSP, TASSP Part Two and Other Things TASSP Part Three and TASSP: Final Part, : In which I go to my first national spanking party!
Out of the Bag: In which my mom found out what it is I do, and it didn’t go so well.
Drink Me: A post where I describe my distress at being tall and not petite. This is usually not an issue in my life anymore, I’m happy to say.
Crimson Moon: I attended my first Crimson Moon party.
Shadowlane Highlights: My first Shadowlane! Lots of adventures. Although not discussed directly in this post, I also met Paul for the first time this weekend. I did do a bunch of fangirling about my Northern Spanking shoot, but I didn’t straight up say “Then I met Paul Kennedy, on who I have had a crush since always” because no one announces their secret crushes to the internet. But I will never, ever forget that day.
My 100th Post: It took me A LOT LONGER to do the next 100.
A Real Vacation: I planned a cabin party in the woods and had many spanking related adventures there!
Obnoxious Comments Revisited: My second attempt at talking about how we should and shouldn’t comment on photos.
Happy Spanksgiving: Let’s all just remember that I’m the one who invented the concept and name “Thigh Turkey” (not Malignus, or anyone else! Harrumph! Give me credit! *foot stomp*)
Be Here, Now: A post I’m very proud of where I talk about focusing one’s mind on the moment.
Surprise and MOAR SURPRISES: When I secretly flew in three girls from places around the country to visit Malignus for his 30th birthday.
I’m a Winner: In which I won the Creative Blog of the Year Award. The Cane: Not Exactly a Love Story: I describe my (then) feelings towards the cane. Regarding Baring: Where I talk about why I love bare bottom spanking (although some of my feelings on this have evolved, too). The Adventure Continues: Roleplaying: At the first 50 Freaks, before it was called 50 Freaks. In this, I recount the story as to why the party got that name, and do other fun stuff. The Little Bitch Saga: Probably the most entertaining thing that has ever happened to me in the spanking world. A Rocky Start: In which my arrival to the UK was rather traumatic. Spanked in Uniform Shoot (and Day 2): In which I visit Holland and get lots of spankings! There’s a little part I love at the end of the second post where I talk about Paul picking me up at the airport and feeling a sudden sense of security and relief. I still feel that way every time I see him, whether I’m getting him from the airport after he’s been in England or I’m finding him in the grocery store after I wandered off to look at candy. Derbyshire Shoot Parts 1 and 2 and 3: In which I first meet my now longtime friend John Osborne, get spanked by Paul for the first time, learn about PE kit, get spanked by a teddy bear and everyone has a lot to drink. I would say I have very warm memories about this time, but it was fucking freezing there, so that language would not be appropriate. Shoot Report: Dreams of Spanking: My second DoS shoot involved a lot of fun and antics, plus serious spankings and my favorite ever photo of Pandora Blake’s cat. The Camden Pancake Incident, More Filming and Alex Buys too Much Stuff: Basically, this title does a good job of summing up my trip to England. I am very fond of the “Camden Pancake Incident” story. “The Awful Stuff” and Goodbyes: I talk about my fondness for more cruel scenes and then have to leave England to go back home. This Post Makes My Hands Hurt: Probably one of my favorite posts ever, I talk about my first hand tawsing experience.Size, Shape, Spanking: My attitude about my body shifts towards the positive.Real Spankings Shoot Three: Meeting Masterson: I meet and get spanked by one of my favorite tops for the first time!
Together: In which Paul visits me for the first time and I am the happiest little girl in all the lands.
Pornography Rant: One of my most serious and important posts. More of a manifesto than a rant.
Compatibility: On the nature of compatibility between spanking partners, and how lucky I am to have someone who fits me just right.
Turn and Face the Strange: In which I talk about the changes that had happened in my life, including the fact that Malignus and I had broken up pretty much as soon as I got back from England but I had a hard time talking about that on the blog, and I announce that I’m returning to Los Angeles.
Protocol: Accepting the Concept, Enjoying the Reality: My first Kink of the Week Post, and a damn good one!
A Very Long Walk: Another post I find super entertaining, in which I get in trouble for doing something silly.
KOTW: Punishment: The Real Kind: Where I describe the ins and out of what real punishment means to me.
KOTW: Punishment: The Fun Kind: Where I describe what play punishment is and why I love it.
Heavy Play: My Perspective: On why I no longer feel like I’m a hard player (warning, contains graphic images)
A New Project and Some Changes: About Kitchen Sink Spanking and my new(ish)ly found spanking sexuality.
How to Politely Comment on Kinky Photos: A Guide For the Genuinely Curious: After four years of attempting, I finally get out everything I want to say about this topic. Welcome Home: Paul comes back from England and everything is amazing.
Because You’re Mine: A loving Valentine’s Day scene.
Outdoor Adventures: The perks of being spanked in the woods.
A New Hairbrush: A sexy, F/F scene.
The Paddling Game: Why I couldn’t tell my vanilla BFF that I’m kinky.
Breaking Brushes: In which I break a hairbrush with my bottom at my first spanking of a party.
Every Day is a School Day: Discovering what, exactly, I like so much about school uniforms.
This post was a total clips show, but a good one I hope. AND I updated two days in a row. I deserve a cookie.