So, let’s talk about the new ATVOD law that came into effect in the UK on Monday. I’d guess that many of you have already heard a lot about it, and if you read Pandora Blake’s blog you’ve already read much more cogent and significant writing than what I’m about to present here, but I long ago came to the conclusion that there’s no reason not to talk about something just because others have already done an excellent job of it. Besides, this issue needs all the media attention it can get, and I’m still seeing misinformation about the situation being passed around on social media.
People on twitter and Fetlife have been talking about the UK’s “spanking ban” or “porn ban.” These terms aren’t actually very accurate. The ATVOD law is a piece of legislature which limits what sorts of sexual activities can be presented in “video on demand”, a category which includes basically all forms of internet pornography: streaming and downloads on membership sites and pay-per-download videos hosted on sites like clips4sale and even content which is given out for free.
The law has been talked about a lot in the spanking community because it directly affects us: one of the things prohibited by the law is the infliction of any kind of pain inducing activity which is beyond “transient and trifling” and which leaves any mark on the body beyond slight reddening of the skin (welts, bruises… basically marks). This sums up most of the spanking content produced anywhere in the world. But the term “spanking ban” isn’t really the right one to use for two reasons. First of all, someone unaware of the situation reading that might come to the erroneous conclusion that spanking itself has been banned in the UK. It has not. That’s actually one of the things which is upsetting about the law: things which are perfectly legal to perform are illegal to film and distribute. The second reason is because while the prohibition of spanking in pornography is the part that will most directly affect most of us, the list of acts that are classified as “extreme pornography” is long and it includes a lot of things that are problematic. The term “porn ban” is also not entirely correct. Not all porn has been made illegal. Only a lot of the interesting stuff.
Spanking producers anywhere in the world have been dealing with a certain form of censorship for as long as internet spanking porn has existed. What we can and can’t show on film has been previously decided for us not by our governments, but by the companies that we use to process credit cards. CCBill, Clips4Sale and other companies that producers use to receive payment used to be the primary people who set the rules for what could and couldn’t be offered online.
Their rules restrict a lot of kinks, but are actually, by comparison, fairly permissive towards spanking porn: they prohibit showing any blood for any reason, limit what kind of ageplay scenarios can be presented, get fussy about words signifying blood relationships (“father,” “mother,” “brother,” “sister” et cetera) and force us to be careful about what words we use to talk about force and consensual non consent. They can also prohibit what is and isn’t too extreme in terms of marking, but it usually doesn’t come up.
Except, of course, for the time that it did. In 2013, CCBill forced Pandora Blake to remove a handful of scenes from Dreams of Spanking and to make changes to all the language used on the site, getting rid of words like “little girl” and “forced.” She had to comply or lose her ability to make money from her site, but she wasn’t being pushed into this by the law. She responded by making the content available for free on Darker Dreams.
Now that censorship is being enforced by the government and not just by corporations, this sort of work around isn’t possible anymore: like I mentioned before, UK producers can’t even give the content away for free. In addition to that, because making this content is illegal it doesn’t just mean that breaking the laws will result in your site being taken down (which in and of itself is disastrous for a producer, since for almost everyone I know producing spanking videos their site is their full time job and primary source of income) but in actual legal action being taken against the producers. As far as I understand the law (and feel free to correct me if I don’t have a proper understanding of it) someone could actually, hypothetically go to jail for making illegal, “extreme” pornography.
Looking at the law directly doesn’t tell you exactly what is and isn’t permitted in an easy to find manner because the law works by classifying internet pornography under the standards of censorship which had previously only applied to films released in cinema or on DVD: this is the reason why most UK spanking producers either don’t offer DVDs or sell them semi secretly. I referred to this blog post, which carefully breaks down what material is and isn’t permitted. The list is seriously problematic:
Peeing and female ejaculation are lumped together into one category, with the same rules applying to urine and to female ejaculatory fluid. This just shows a lack of sex education on the part of the people responsible for this legislature, because these two things are entirely different. Both are still permitted as long as they aren’t done onto another person, or then consumed. Squirting during sex is alright if it is “brief” and “isolated.”
This is an enormous problem because squirting isn’t even something that you set out to do, necessarily. It’s part of some women’s physiological response to sexual stimulus. This is a rule that will only affect female-centric porn that features female performers genuinely enjoying themselves (I don’t know anyone who can fake squirt, personally). You can have a brief squirt here and there, but can’t intentionally do it on anyone. And peeing, which is a widely popular fetish, can only be done in isolation from other people. This affects some spanking videos. There’s a cross over between the wetting fetish and the spanking fetish, specifically for girls wetting themselves while being spanked. It’s something people are very divided on, but I personally think this is totally hot. The scenes where one wets oneself while over a lap being spanked are doubly prohibited.
There isn’t actually a health risk associated with any of this behavior, either, even if we’re talking about drinking pee. Although some people may find it gross (it’s not my thing, personally) it isn’t any more likely to spread disease than lots of other things that we are totally allowed to do in porn (like kissing or having sex). You can’t ban something because you think it’s gross.
Of course, any consumption of male ejaculation is entirely fine. I don’t even understand how this makes sense. I feel that it’s blatantly sexist, and is implying that male centric, heteronormative porn is acceptable and that female centric porn is “extreme” and therefore deserving of censorship. On a related note, facesitting has been forbidden. This is apparently because if you try this on your own at home, you might die by having the airway blocked.
Interestingly, throat fucking, which also can be potentially dangerous in terms of blocking the airway, is entirely acceptable. The act which shows male pleasure is allowed, but the one which shows female pleasure is banned. You however, aren’t allowed to tell someone to “gag on your cock” because it refers to blocking the airway, whether you are doing it or not. Gags in general, especially when associated with bondage are prohibited. Bondage as a whole is mostly against the law, especially when it isn’t explicitly part of a roleplay scenario. I get the impression that behind the scenes material and context building items like interviews and performer blog posts don’t count for demonstrating consent here, just explicitly defining it on camera, which makes fantasy based bondage scenes illegal.
Fisting has been entirely forbidden. You cannot insert five fingers past the first knuckle into someone’s body. Again, this is a popular feature in female centric porn, and there’s no evidence that it’s actually medically dangerous.
There are quite a few other things on the list, but this blog post will be infinitely long if I talk about all of them, so let me come to the most relevant: BDSM pain play is only permissible if it is “transient and trifling.” Like I said before, this means no marks and less visible severity of any kind. I don’t just mean spanking, I mean any kind of kinky shit that hurts someone.
The supposed reason for this and for most of the other regulations is someone might try to replicate this at home and cause harm or death. This is a strange argument. For one thing, you can watch depictions of lots of things that you really shouldn’t try to do yourself, like almost everything in every movie and TV show ever. For some reason, they seem to believe that the general public can grasp the idea that you shouldn’t replicate the things that you see in a standard film, but that people will do dangerous and harmful things if they replicate that which is presented in pornography. I feel that if this was the real concern, it should just suffice to add a little caption on the bottom of the screen that reads “professional fuckers on a closed set, do not try this at home.”
In a certain way, by saying this, the British government is making all pornographers de facto sex educators. If they truly believe that people will replicate what they see in porn, shouldn’t they be celebrating sex positive porn, female centric porn and consensual, safe kink porn? Instead, these are the sites that they are criminalizing. Porn which shows a man with a perfect dick fucking a girl with a perfect body in a scene where he never attempts to please her, she moans in a way which is obviously fake and he then pulls out and ejaculates all over her face is basically protected under this law. Nothing about this scene is “extreme.”
If porn is meant to be a guide to sexual practices, then these videos are shoving body negativity and sexism down our throats in a way that the damage, while not physical, would be far beyond transient and trifling. The sites that focus on the pleasure of people of all genders, on discovering who you are and loving it, on not being ashamed of your sexuality even if you’ve been taught that it’s wrong by society are the ones that are being targeted by these restrictions.
Spanking porn is actually a very positive thing. It’s primarily made by a tight knit group of people who keep each other safe and who are passionate enough about sharing and celebrating their kink that they’re willing to dedicate their lives to it. The spanking community (both online and at parties) allows us to interact with performers and know that they truly enjoy what they do. You’re currently sitting wherever you are reading my blog about how I love what I do and how it fills my life with happiness and satisfaction in a way that no other profession could for me.
While there are certainly models who aren’t interested in spanking and just do a few shoots here and there for the money, they’re looked after, too, and the play is scaled to their tolerances. Limits are discussed. Safewords are in place. The play which is presented in spanking shoots is actually very safe: realistically, trying to replicate what you see in a film is likely not actually going to hurt someone because the majority of the Tops in spanking films are very skilled and watching them carefully can actually teach good technique. Of course we roleplay non-consensual scenarios, but I feel that this is the part which is inherently understood by the viewer. And if it isn’t, should we just be responsible for providing more context building materials outside of the actual scene instead of having the entire thing banned?
I’m not saying that the spanking industry is perfect. I have had bad experiences (one notable one) and so have other models that I know. But in general, it’s a healthy, positive community, and with the current louder voices in the scene emphasizing acceptance, safe play, negotiation, consent et cetera, it could only get even better. Unless, of course, you ban the entire thing.
I think it’s telling that when I get into arguments with people online in which I try to defend my experience as a spanking model as having been positive and explain that producing and participating in porn can be a really great experience for everyone involved, the response that I usually get is that it’s so nice for me that in my niche things are in such good shape, but that “real” porn is full of consent violations and ignored limits (I have absolutely no experience with mainstream B/G porn and I’m not agreeing with or supporting this statement, just repeating what was said to me on the internet). It’s funny that what I do isn’t even considered “real” porn by many, yet to the British government, it’s not just real, it’s “extreme.”
So, what’s the state of affairs for the UK based spanking producers? They’re faced with the calling to either relocate their studios, close up shop or fight back and do whatever they can. As far as I have been able to tell, none of the British spanking sites are going to stop production.
Paul told me about this law a couple of weeks ago, and was obviously extremely distressed about it. He asked me if I would be willing to take over legal ownership of Northern Spanking, making it a US based website instead of a UK one. In order to do this, Paul had to, on a legal level, give me every aspect of his company. Technically, I own it, and he now doesn’t have any source of income: that’s all, on paper, mine. Since, despite what you may have heard, I’m not a terrible person, I’m not going to really let this change anything. Everything about Northern will remain the same, until the site’s new design which has been in process for a while now is launched, that is. (I’m not going to run in and put stickers on everything.)
The process of transferring ownership to me was complicated, tedious, stressful and expensive, but it means that Northern is no longer at risk and that, most importantly, no one is going to arrest Paul. Doing this made me sad, though. It was bitter that Paul can’t own the thing that he has spent the better portion of my lifetime nurturing, and which he dedicates so much time, love, energy to. I know that he’s angry at the government for taking that away from him, and rightfully so. I wish I could be with him right now to offer him some comfort.
I learned that John Osborne who runs Triple A Spanking has done something similar: he announced on his blog that transferred ownership of his site to his US based partner, Sarah Gregory in what I can only assume is a similar arrangement. Not everyone has the privilege of having a trusted loved one in another country to whom they can transfer ownership of their site, however. When I was first asked for my thoughts on this on tumblr, a commenter asked why producers don’t just move to another country.
Moving yourself to another country is incredibly difficult. It means uprooting your entire life, putting a huge distance between you and your loved ones, leaving your home, selling or getting rid of most of your possessions because they’re too expensive and difficult to ship, selling your car or paying expensive fees to ship it, rehoming your pets or putting them through quarantine, going through a complicated legal process to get residency which is never easy and in fact can severely limit who can immigrate where and, if you’re leaving England, potentially giving up your right to free Health Care. I know all this because this is what Paul is going through right now.
When I first responded to that inquiry, I said that I didn’t think anyone would do that. It bothered me that people so callously threw this idea around online like it was the simplest thing in the world. “What? The law is infringing on your freedom and making it illegal for you to continue to earn your living? Just leave your entire life behind and start living somewhere else!” Moving to another country is a serious commitment, and I, wishfully, didn’t think that this was a situation so dire that it would cause people to have to do that.
I was not correct, as Sarah Bright of Spanking Sarah and English Spankers (among other sites) announced that she and her partner, Mr. Stern will be relocating their family to Spain to avoid persecution, a piece of news that solidified the seriousness of this situation for me. I simultaneously think it isn’t fair for people to suggest that producers should simply move away and feel that it’s perfectly understandable to want to live your life, especially a family life (as Sarah describes in her post) away from this stressful situation.
Pandora Blake has declared that she’s staying put, and she’s staying very on top of things, giving us information on how to file a complaint against the ATVOD and encouraging people to join her at a protest against the policies next week. Dreams of Spanking will continue to operate in the UK.
Nimue Allen of Nimue’s World has posted about the issue as well, and, as far as I can tell, intends to stand her ground and continue to operate her site from England. Hywel Phillips of Restrained Elegance, explained in a blog post that his studios are already legally based in the US and that he isn’t sure how the censorship will affect him, but that he doesn’t want to have to leave his home country. I don’t know what several other producers plan to do or not do, but it’s vital that all of them have our support.
What can you do?
If you live in the UK you can write to your MP protesting the censorship.
No matter where you live, you can sign this petition.
If you live in the UK you can also sign this one, and, most importantly, the official petition.
Donate to Backlash UK, a sexual liberties lobby group which has set up a legal fund to assist producers if they are targeted, and who is campaigning against the policy.
If you’re local to London or able to travel there, attend a protest outside of Parliament.
Consider getting a month’s membership to one of the sites affected by the censorship.
If you live in the UK, it is NOT illegal for you to join spanking sites, purchase spanking content or posses this content. As a consumer, you are not at risk: only producers are.
I don’t even feel up to leaving the sign-off heart on this post. There’s nothing that I heart about this.
Last week on Fetlife, I responded to a comment on a Fetlife photo letting someone know that I didn’t appreciate the way that he had spoken to me. One of my friends wrote back saying that maybe I could do a guide regarding what kind of comments are and aren’t okay, since some people are genuinely not sure. I don’t expect that this guide is going to make a difference in the way that people comment on photos, but it will make me feel like I did my best to share my thoughts on what is and isn’t okay. So here it goes!
Note: ALL the comments I use as examples in this are based on real shit that I got. As always, these thoughts are my feelings, and I’m sure that there are many people who don’t agree with me. Take them as such, not as the Holy Gospel of Spanking Truth (because that’s not the name of this blog, is it?)
1) Rule one: respect.
On Fetlife, tumblr, blogs and other social media used for kink, people share photos with strangers that are of a kinky and or sexual nature. Just because someone is showing themselves off sexually it doesn’t mean that they are inviting you to talk about them in explicit, objectifying ways. This is an idea which is very hard for a lot of people. Recently, there was a high profile piece of writing on Fetlife in which a girl said (I’m paraphrasing, but these are the real ideas) “If you’re a smart girl, you won’t wear slutty clothes in a dark alley at night because you know that makes you likely to be raped. Likewise, if you’re a smart girl you won’t post slutty photos online, because you know that makes you likely to be talked about in a way that makes you uncomfortable.”
I was in a horrible rage after I read that. I had to quit the internet, go cuddle my cats and then take a walk before I could get back to work. The idea that if you show yourself off and get attention that you don’t want, it’s your own damn fault for tempting others with your body is one of the biggest problems with our culture. A girl can want to look sexy and be treated with respect. These are not mutually exclusive. A girl can put her photos out there because she wants attention. This is not a bad thing. It is okay to want attention. Wanting attention doesn’t mean wanting every kind of attention. Throw the attitude of “If you didn’t want me to say xyz, then you shouldn’t have posted naked photos to the internet” in the trash, now. The guiding rule to commenting on kinky photos anywhere on the internet is to treat the people in the pictures with respect. They’re making themselves vulnerable, whether they are professional fetish models like me or “amateur” exhibitionists doing it for a thrill or anything in between. You get the reap the benefits of an internet which is stuffed to the gills with every kind of sexy, kinky photos you can imagine. Treat them with respect. Unsure how to do that? Read on!
2) Don’t say anything in a comment on someone’s photo that you wouldn’t say to their face. Sometimes, the anonymity of the internet makes us feel braver than we actually are. Imagine yourself at a party and the person whose photo it is walks in. Chances are, you’re a total stranger to this person. Would you really lean in and say “Wow, what a butt, I’d love to be balls deep in it”?
3) There are some thoughts that are best kept to yourself.
As a fetish model, it’s my job to make people horny. I’m under no illusion as to what many people do when they look at my photos and videos. It’s the same exact thing that I’ve been doing while looking at spanking photos and videos for the past ten years. You don’t have to tell me about it, and if you do want to, there are right and wrong ways to do it. Here’s a list of examples, ranging from nicest to most awful:
^_^ Wow, I really enjoyed this photo. Thanks for sharing, it made my day.
😀 This is a really erotic shot. So hot!
🙂 You’re super sexy and it’s so working for me.
: / This made me incredibly horny to look at.
-_- Yikes, I need to keep tissues by my desk when looking at your profile.
>_< When I saw this, my dick got hard and I stroked it while thinking about you until I came all over my pants.
>_< *Emails or uploads a photo of having printed out stranger’s photo and ejaculated all over it*
How come certain comments about being made horny by photos are okay and others aren’t? For one thing, comments that come from a friend, play partner or lover are going to be greeted with more excitement than those that come from a total stranger. If you don’t know a person or know who he or she is involved with, don’t take the fact that the poster responded positively to one such comment as an invitation to add a similar one of your own. Another thing: being funny about it, especially in a self deprecating way, makes it less uncomfortable, although again, this works better with people who you know. As a general rule, the more language relating to your genitalia and the fluids that come out of it when you’re aroused that you include, the less likely it is to go over well.
On a related note, nothing gets a stern “No” or a comment deletion from me more quickly than describing what sort of sexual acts you’d like to do with me. I post a photo of myself posing nude on the sofa with my bottom out and someone responds with “That ass is just calling for me to stick my thick cock in it and make you squirm with pleasure.” I promptly delete that, because who the fuck are you?! I don’t want your dick. Remember this, strangers, unless you happen to have the proverbial chocolate penis which shoots money, I don’t want your dick (and even then, I mostly only want it for entertainment/money collecting purposes, because chocolate is probably not a good thing to put in your vag). I have five sexual partners. All of them use Fetlife. All of them manage to keep their internet comments about my body classy, 100 percent of the time. So can you. So, go ahead and have that fantasy. Spend so much time thinking about how my curvy bottom must feel to touch that you miss the bus and end up late for work. Just don’t comment saying “I spent so much time thinking about how your curvy bottom must feel to touch that I missed the bus and was late for work.” I don’t find it offensive at all if you fantasize about having hardcore, D/s sex with me. I just don’t want you to write me a two page long poem about how you fantasize about having hardcore, D/s sex with me.
4) Watch the language you use to talk about someone’s body.
Don’t tell a girl that her tits are small, even if they’re small. She knows. Don’t tell someone that she’s chubby, even if she is. She knows. You think that really tall girl looks weird OTK? Don’t point it out. Don’t call body parts “fat,” “wide,” “huge,” “chunky” et cetera, even if it feels like a compliment in your mind. I have a friend who has really big breasts. I think they’re gorgeous, but I don’t comment on her photos saying “You have really big breasts.” Why? Because I don’t know how she feels about it. Maybe she hates her chest, since it developed when she was in middle school and subjected her to teasing from her peers, makes finding appropriately fitting tops difficult, causes her buttons to pull uncomfortably during professional settings and draws unavoidable attention to one of the most sexual parts of her body wherever she goes. Sure, maybe she loves it. Maybe in her mind, it’s her best feature, and she loves the way her shape accents her femininity and she feels empowered by the fact that she can make even a baggy, old men’s shirt look sexy as fuck. The point is, I don’t know how she feels about her body. Besides, I can compliment her breasts without having to talk about the size of them: “You have a gorgeous chest” works just fine. I much prefer “I love the shape of your bottom, it’s delightful” to “Wonderful plump rump!”
If you’re in doubt, compliment the entire thing instead of just a single body part. “You have such a great figure” goes over much better than “I love your tits.” On that note, try to find words to describe body parts that are somewhere between ridiculously childish and offensively crude. Guys, would you like it if girls referred to your “peepee” when you upload a sexy, nude photo of yourself? That’s how I feel when guys use words like “tatas” or “hooha” to talk about my body. It’s embarrassingly uncomfortable. On the other end of the spectrum, I don’t want you talking about my twat or cunt. No. Do not do. Someone once referred to my butt as a “sexy shitter.” Worst. Ever. Can’t come up with a word that doesn’t seem uncomfortable? Don’t make the comment, easy as that.
5) This is not your scene.
“That’s a well spanked bottom, but why are your panties still up? I only spank on the bare.” “Sexy lingerie, but I don’t like the heels. I prefer a woman barefoot.” “Great outdoor nude, but you could use some cane stripes on that bottom.” “What a fun day, but you’re wearing too much clothing! You look so much sexier with less on!” “Needs more color, that’s just a warmup!” “Woah, that’s way too severe for me! Redness only, no bruises here!” “Just corner time? I give my subs corner time with a butt plug and vaginal dildo in place and tell them not to touch themselves. Your way is lame.” “If I did that to a woman, I’d report myself to the police.” “The front of the thighs? That’s not a spanking. Yuck.” “If someone treated me like a little girl like that, I’d punch him in the face.” “I would never go out of the house wearing that, it’s way too short!” “You call that a caning? I’d make you bleed!” “Why are you wearing clothes in the bath, idiot?” “Stop smiling! It’s supposed to hurt!” “Wet and messy is fucking disgusting.” “He missed a spot! Go back and get her thighs!” “What a tame photo, not sexy at all.” “You have too much stuff on your walls, it’s distracting me from your tits.” “Those socks suck, take them off so I can see your feet.” “I hate the cane, it’s too brutal. I’d give you a nice hand spanking instead.” “Granny panties? Where’s your sexy thong?” “I don’t want to see anymore pictures of your ass looking like hamburger meat.” “Why aren’t you nude?” “Flashing your panties in public should earn you another spanking!”
Shut up. Just shut up. It is not your scene. It is my scene. I enjoyed this scene, so I took a photo of it and put them on the internet to share with you. I can’t please everyone. I do a huge variety of things, and post a variety of pictures. If this one doesn’t satisfy you, look at some others. If none of mine do, find another person whose pictures do. Don’t want to play the way I do? You don’t have to. No one is asking you to. If for some reason you feel the need to share the fact that you don’t like to play a particular way that someone else does, there’s a nice way to do this. For example: “That’s a bit too intense for me, personally, but I’m glad that you got what you needed!” or “I prefer to only be spanked on the bottom, but if you liked this thigh caning, more power to you!” Or, have your own damn scene.
6) Singling one person out for a compliment is a passive insult at the rest of the people in the photo.
“I like the bottom on the far right,” said one commenter on the group shot I posted of all the ladies following our spankings for Sternwood Academy. He was talking about Cheyenne Jewel’s gorgeous bottom. The problem is that there are seven girls in the shot, each with their own, uniquely gorgeous bottom. Everyone who is into girls and is looking at a group of girls can pick out the one which they think is the most attractive. When you comment to let us know which one it is, you’re telling everyone else in the group that they aren’t your favorite, especially uncomfortable when the picture was posted by someone who you didn’t choose. My ex used to say “When girls aren’t having pillow fights in their pajamas, they’re comparing themselves to each other.” While this attitude on women is a bit dismissive and problematic, there is a twinkle of truth to part of it. Girls compare themselves to each other. Chances are, if you have seven girls in a photo, every single one of them thinks that they look the worst out of the bunch. One girl feels too tall. One girl feels too short. One girl worries that she has a fat butt. One girl worries that she doesn’t have enough of a butt. “Her thighs are thinner than mine.” “Her legs are longer than mine.” “Her feet are more dainty than mine.” “Her hair looks better than mine.” “Her butt reddens more than mine.” “She’s more spankable than I am.” “She’s cuter than me.” “She’s younger than me.” It goes on and on in our minds.
Don’t play into this. Either compliment the group or don’t comment.
7) Respect that your kink is not necessarily my kink.
There is one person who frequently comments on my photos who is really into enema play. I’m not really into enema play. On nearly every spanking photo, he comments with a description of how he imagined the scene went: “After a long hard spanking, she got a big, cold water enema to clean her out, leaving her feeling really punished!” I always end up either deleting the comment or responding saying “No, that’s not what happened, or what will happen.” This is sort of a combination of keeping your fantasy to yourself and understanding that this is not your scene, but it’s a particular thing which happens an awful lot, so I figured it needed it’s own note. I especially notice that there are a lot of spankos commenting on pictures of girls who have the (in their mind, unfortunate) combination of an attractive bottom and a different fetish than spanking. They tell these girls that they have very spankable bottoms, and that they’d love to turn them over their knees for a good bottom reddening. If someone told me that, I’d smile. If this person’s kink is decorative rope bondage, or service oriented submission, or feet, or anything else that isn’t spanking related, then this comment is putting your fetish on someone else who doesn’t have that kink, and that’s an uncomfortable feeling. Don’t know if someone is into your kink? Check their profile for signs that they are before you comment to such an effect.
I might come back and add more to this post later, but for now, I think this covers the basics (and I’m hungry, so I think my writing quality is deteriorating). Thoughts? Please add yours in the comment section (respectfully, of course!) ♥
I’m going to reasume my narrative tomorrow (I have my next post written, too) but I’ve decided I’m going to share this here. I wrote this post on tumblr, in response to a fellow tumblr user who posted a piece of original writing content talking about how sad the lives of people who make pornography are and expressing a lot of judgements that are based on facts that just aren’t true.
I don’t often respond to poking like that with a rant. In fact, I basically forced myself not to get involved in the comment threads on several posts on similar topics recently because I knew that I’d get impassioned and angry and get less work done because I’ll be constantly refreshing the thread. But this one just got me between the ribs and I HAD to write this. It just happened.
Because this is a repost from a different forum, it’s much more generically written than my usual prose. There’s no cast page on my tumblr. There’s no expectation that people who read it when it’s been reblogged will even have any idea who I am. So I sound a little different than I usually do here. It’s still me, though.
Posting here will also allow people who aren’t tumblr users to comment on this post if they want to.
This is an interruption to my recent narrative, because this post is important. It’s been stewing in my mind for a couple of weeks, and I’ve decided that I’m going to post it.
I get lots of questions in the inbox on my tumblr page, and I try to answer all of them. I like to have an open line of communication. I try to respond to Fetlife messages and emails, as well, but contacting me with something small over tumblr is pretty effective. A couple of weeks ago, I got the following question in my tumblr inbox:
“You have a large, chubby, big bottom. Do you think you
can take a hard spanking because it has so much padding?
Do you like your bottom?”
My natural reaction to a message like this is to feel badly about myself. Oh. I’m big. Thanks for reminding me. In fact, there have been times when these sorts of messages or photo comments or emails really tore me up. They pushed me over an edge of self doubt and lack of confidence. They reminded me of the thing that I feared: that I was fat. That I was the biggest girl making spanking videos. That I was really not all that pretty. That I largely got by as a model on my personality and, as the note mentioned, my ability to take a beating. That I’m not a tiny little thing, that I don’t fit over a lap as easily as the more petite girls and all my other fears and doubts relating to my height.
The truth is, I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling extremely insecure. I wrote a long post about my feelings towards my vertical size just about a year ago and it was one of the most vulnerable and personal things that I’ve ever written on this blog. I’ve never really mentioned my insecurities about my figure too openly, but I think a lot of people know that they’re there. I’m in a very body centric profession with a shape that’s different than many people in said profession, or even in the visible media. I put myself in a position where people discuss me in a public forum and where other bloggers think it’s a compliment to describe a girl as “pretty despite her size” when in reality, she’s about a size 8 and tremendously beautiful. It’s not hard to figure out how all that might make me feel.
A few months ago, my insecurities were peaking. I just flat out didn’t like myself physically. I was losing weight, but I was never satisfied. I didn’t like my shape. I didn’t like my height. I didn’t like my curves. I didn’t like bottom. Because modeling is my job, I pressed through working, but I didn’t expect to like any of the things that I saw. I was negatively comparing myself against some of my friends who are just built differently than me, and I was making myself feel awful about it.
|There’s nothing wrong with me.|
Eventually, I got to the point where I was honest with my friends about these feelings, and basically everyone I talked to was tremendously supportive. I was struggling with a general sense of depression to some degree for a while, especially over the winter, and that was adding to the way that I was seeing myself. I’m not going to name the people who talked to me about my body and my self image, because our conversations were extremely personal and intimate, but I’m eternally grateful for them. Their combined efforts helped me to realize that I was viewing myself through a dysmorphic lens and that I’m really actually quite pretty.
This is a feeling that’s been blooming and growing recently. I’ve gone into whatever the opposite of a depression is. Happiness. I like my life. I like the way that things are for me. I like what I do. I like the people I do those things with. I like myself.
And I mean that.
I feel drastically differently about myself than I used to.
I don’t feel ashamed about myself. About anything. I don’t feel ashamed of my sexuality, or of the things that I want, or of my history, or of the things I don’t know and can’t do well, or the times when I’m just not a real adult, or of my emotions. I don’t feel too tall. I don’t feel too fat. I like my shape. I like the way I look and feel draped over a lap. I like my long, curvy legs.
|I feel like I look tall in this photo, and that’s okay with me.|
I want to stress that no one ever made me feel the way I did before. In fact, I had tremendous emotional support to try and help me be my best. I just… did.
Now, I don’t.
So, I’m going to answer my Tumblr question.
I don’t really have that big of a bottom. It certainly doesn’t need three adjectives to describe it that way. I have a round, perky, spankable bottom. I like it. A lot of people like it. It’s my favorite part of my body. I like the way it looks. I like the way it bounces when I’m spanked. I like how it looks when I’m bent over, or over a lap. I like the way it fills out panties.
|Chubby isn’t the word I think about myself when I see this.|
I like the way it looks when I walk around. I like how it looks in a short skirt. I like how it looks in jeans. I wouldn’t change it. I mean that. It’s mine (well, and someone else’s, too, and that just makes it even better!) and I’m proud of it.
I don’t think that I can take a harder spanking because of the way that I’m built, but I wouldn’t entirely discount the idea. Honestly, I think that I can take a hard spanking because that’s what I’ve always wanted, and because Malignus taught me a lot of wonderful things about both active and passive submission over the years. I know that I’m less at risk at having my bones struck because of the way that I’m built, and I’m grateful for that because I do like being hit hard (in the right situation).
I’m not less spankable because of my shape. I can still feel comfortably emotionally small, vulnerable, physically supported… everything that I want to feel. I’m not just saying this. It’s a real change.
I hope that this answers the OP’s question. ♥
In January I made this post detailing what kind of comments I frequently received on Fetlife that I did not appreciate. This post created some controversy, because people don’t like to be told that they are doing something that pisses others off. I actually lost a friend because he said that I was too picky about comments. -_-
Fetlife comments that are annoying, not appreciated or offensive continue to be a problem. I’ve branched out to notice several new types of annoying comments. Here is the updated list. Please note that this post isn’t exactly sweet and positive. If you don’t like this or you have some kind of delicate sensibilities and can’t deal with me using “harsh language” then I suggest that you skip this one.
1) Creepily sexual comments.
I’ve already pretty well established that excessively sexual comments from strangers make me, and NEARLY EVERY OTHER GIRL ON THE INTERNET at least somewhat uncomfortable. I do acknowledge that there are some girls who get off on the idea that a stranger wants to put his tongue in them for hours, but those girls really aren’t the majority. I’m moving on to include “creepily sexual” in this category, because those are even worse. Topping this list is the comment “I hope you are looking forward to me sneaking up on you to give you a good fuck.” I hope the commenter is looking forward to me stabbing him the throat in self defense. Strangers being sexually forceful isn’t actually hot. It’s just…rapey. In a bad way. In a “if this comment was a neighborhood that I was driving through, I would lock my doors” kind of way.
2) Sexualizing non-sexual pictures or trying to force a picture into a different fetish.
I know that Fetlife is about kink. It’s also basically where I hang out all day. I have more friends that I actually value, talk to and visit on Fetlife than any other place. Because of this, I sometimes post pretty vanilla stuff to my Fetlife page. I try not to post things that are excessively “Vanilla and Unpopular” like pictures of what I ate for dinner or a photo of some rocks, but I do post pictures of me just hanging out and doing regular-person stuff that have nothing to do with kink. It makes sense: I do stuff other than get spanked. I wear clothes most of the time. My whole life isn’t one big spanking video. Sometimes, commenters don’t understand this. Once, someone commented on a photo of me and a friend (I think Heather) at a mall or something with “Did you guys have sex in the foodcourt?” No! We walked around and looked at clothes, talked about whatever we were feeling insecure about, drank an Orange Julius, tried some dresses on and then went home.
Another time, I posted a photo of a cake and someone commented that he wanted to jizz all over it. Fuck you people.
Equally obnoxious to me is when people try to make up a story which fits my photo into a different fetish. For example, I uploaded a perfectly innocent photo of myself in the corner and someone commented with “Sent to the corner with a butt plug and vaginal dildo in place and told not to touch yourself.” No, just sent to the corner. End of story. You can think about whatever you want when you look at my pictures. Just don’t write those words down if they aren’t the kind of thing you share with everyone else.
Popular among my friends is the story of a comment that was placed on this photo:
|This awesome photo is by Amoni Jones. I love her forever.|
This is a picture of me that my good friend, Amoni took during an Alex in Spankingland themed photo shoot. At some point, I’ll be re-doing my blog to include some of these photos in the layout. I feel like this picture is fairly straight forward, especially considering that the next photo in the series is of me bent over that rock behind me with my bare, spanked bottom on display. I’m about to be spanked and I’m petulant about it.
According to a commenter, this is a photo of “a young school girl pissing out of doors.”
Oh. Ok. I GUESS I can see where you could kind of get that idea from. Maybe just a little.
Anyway, this became hilarious because I was amused by the syntax “pissing out of doors” (when he clearly meant “outdoors”) and did a literal demonstration (without actually peeing, of course) of what that looks like in my head: a girl opens up a door, stands in the frame, then thrusts her crotch forward in an attempt to piss out of the door. I imitated this a lot at Chicago Crimson Moon this October. I also got spanked for doing so. 😛
3) Complaints about pantie placement/what I’m wearing/how I’m posed/other details
I personally like panties a lot. I buy lots of cute ones, and I want to take photos wearing them. I love the way that my red butt looks sticking out from my panties. Often times, when I take pictures, I’ll pull my panties back up after a bare bottom spanking because I like that look. So. Many. People. Complain. About. This. It’s almost enough to make me not want to post photos of my butt to the internet anymore when I post a picture and I get comments like “that should have been on the bare” or “why did he leave your panties up”? It isn’t like I never post bare bottom photos. I’d say it’s a pretty even split. If you don’t like a photo with my panties up, go look at one with them down. Bam. Problem solved. Once, maybe a week after a photo of me having been spanked in my swimsuit was uploaded, someone commented on it saying “Could you take one with the bottoms pulled down?” Oh, yes. Let me go back in time to when I got that spanking and take a picture to your exact specifications.
I get these complains about lots and lots of things. “I wish your pajamas were dropseats.” “Next time, take a photo where you’re bent over the couch.” “Take pictures during the spanking, not after.” -_-
I usually just delete the offending comments and then move on with my life. One that I found particularly annoying was left on this photo:
This is probably my favorite photo of all time, leaving aside a couple of pictures of me and my brother, and it’s certainly my favorite spanking related photo. Why do I like it so much? Because those moments when I’m worn out and crying after a long, hard spanking and Malignus is holding me and calming me down are some of the most special moments in my life, period. This is the only time when there was someone else there at that moment with a camera, so it’s the only photo that I currently have of this kind of moment. It’s also from the first time that I visited Malignus, before I was his girlfriend, before we moved in together and built the life that we have now. It just brings up a lot of positive memories. It always makes me smile.
Someone commented on it saying that it would be better if my socks were white.
4) Comments not related to photo.
This is a practice that a lot of people are guilty of that I just find really rude: commenting on a photo to say something which is unrelated to the picture. One time, one of my friends uploaded a photo of her thighs after they were spanked and it turned into a giant discussion regarding whether or not thighs should be spanked. Another time, a different friend uploaded a picture of her being spanked by a play partner and several girls started using the comments there as a place to brat their Tops. People start having side conversations. Someone comments on a photo to say something that’s just about themselves and is only tangentially related to what’s being pictured. A girl uses someone else’s photo comment thread as a place to be disrespectful to someone who isn’t even included in the picture in order to get attention. All of this is just, in my opinion, unacceptable. If you want to talk about something like whether or not thighs should be spanked, start a thread. If you want to brat your Top, go write on his wall or IM him. If you want to talk about yourself, post your own goddamn picture. I’m not saying that my pictures are uploaded just so that people will talk about me and pay attention to me, but it’s still my photo, and that’s not the right place for your discussion. You can argue this with me if you don’t agree, but I really find that disrespectful to the person who posted the picture.
5) Your ass is too pale/Those marks are too much.
I don’t bruise like I used to. A really hard and severe spanking can leave me in a condition which photographs as “pink”. I’ve accepted this. Not bruising is convenient when doing lots of shooting: it means that I can do back to back shoots and never have to worry about asking Tops not to mark me. It just doesn’t always look as epic in the photos. People complain about this, or they diminish the intensity of the spanking that I received. “Nice warmup!” or “Off to a good start!” comments are always kind of snarky in a way that I don’t appreciate. On the other hand, when I *do* have noticeable bruises, there’s always someone who comments or otherwise points out to me that they think it’s “too much for their taste.” My spankings are tailored to me. I don’t upload photos from something that wasn’t a positive experience. If I’m bearing marks and I’ve photographed them, it’s because *I like them.* Aren’t you people ever satisfied?!
6) I like the one on the left.
In general, I don’t like it when I upload pictures of myself and people talk about me like I’m not involved. “I like that girl’s ass.” “She’s got nice tits.” Those aren’t enough of a peeve to warrant me including them as a category here. What really bugs me is when I upload a picture of me in a group of girls and someone comments saying which one of us they like the best. This happens a lot with my Sternwood Academy pictures, or pictures of me hanging out with friends at parties. Someone will comment and say “The third girl in is the hottest!” or “I like the one on the left.” Nothing makes a girl feel great like saying “Your friend is hotter than you, I just wanted to point that out!” It doesn’t matter if the girl that they are singling out as “the hot one” is me or not. It just isn’t nice. Not to mention that the language used in these comments is often really objectifying. Harumph.
-End of List of Things I Don’t Like-
Because for the fast few months I’ve been trying to focus on the positive in life, I’m going to do a quick positive affirmation to make up for all the negativity in this post.
I get LOTS AND LOTS of awesome comments that make me feel great about myself. I love it when people take the time to let me know that they enjoyed what I wrote or a photograph of me. I love it when people tell me that my cuteness made their day. I love it when I inspire people to to take their own photos or write their own blogs. I love it when my friends are concerned about me and want me to be happy. I love my readers. I love it when people reblog tumblr pictures of me and attach my name and link to them when someone just uploaded a promotional picture or whatever. I love it when people comment on my blog to just say “I read your post and liked it.” I love my friends. I love my boyfriends. I love my Bosses of Me. I love my sisters. I love spankings. I love my hair. I love my pajamas.
Also, I recently drew this as an assignment from YS. Pretty epic win, huh?