I have a couple of friends online who are anticipating receiving their first spankings. Talking to them about it reminds me of when I was at that stage in my journey as a spanko. There’s an awful lot that can be learned about spanking from the internet. Just reading fetlife, or even spanking stories, can teach you most of the basics about how things tend to go. Watching videos can sometimes give you insights into some of the mysteries of things: for example, things that make the person getting spanked yell and twist more probably hurt more. Still, there’s stuff that seems to be common knowledge among some people that, six years into my adventure, I’m just picking up on. I decided to list some tips for new spankees. Feel free to add your own in the comments section! Note: I write using male pronouns for the Top and female for the bottom. This is because of the way that my mind is wired, and it just makes things easier (kind of the way they assign a gender to the Game Master and Player in Roleplaying game rulebooks so that they don’t have to keep saying “he or she.” I’m not a geek. Really.)

Getting Started:

1) Wait until you are 18 to start. I can’t stress this enough. When I was 17 and I first met the man who later became my first Top, the fact that he refused to spank me until I reached 18 seemed really stupid to me. It didn’t make sense to me why it was such a big deal. I saw myself as an adult and I felt that I was “ready” to participate in an adult activity. Now, I’m deeply appreciative that he waited until the next year for my first scene. In retrospect, it’s a sign of his integrity and trustworthiness, and it’s just the right thing to do, period. I sound like a Top when I say this, but laws exist for a reason. The age of majority may seem arbitrary, but it exists to protect minors and to make sure that no one is coerced into something dangerous. Respecting this law is respecting the very basis of the spanking community: that we engage in consensual adult spanking.

2) Communicate with your Top during a spanking. This is also incredibly important. Tops aren’t mind readers. Everyone reacts to a spanking differently. Some people twist and writhe around when everything is fine and dandy– just because in your mind, it seems obvious that you are in distress doesn’t mean that it seems that way. Generally, an attentive spanker will ask questions regarding the bottom’s condition during a scene until he knows her reactions well. That said, if you aren’t being asked for this information, volunteer it. Say “This is more than I’m comfortable with” or “I’m doing well” every now and then.

3) Come prepared to use safewords, even if you don’t believe you’ll need to. I have had a lot of talk about how I don’t use safewords and I prefer to communicate verbally (since I don’t participate in consensual non-consent, when I say “stop!” or “I don’t want to be getting spanked anymore!” or something, I actually mean that I want the scene to end) but I still have a system of individual safewords (it’s based on Pokemon) that I’ve used when playing with new partners in the past, and I’ve used (as in, actually called) the Universal Safeword of “Red!” once. Keep that in the back of your mind when you scene, just in case.

4) Remember that there are plenty of spankos out there! Nearly every time I hear stories about girls who stay with men who are abusive to them within the spanking scene, the girl expresses that she believed that he was “special” in the fact that he was willing to spank her, or that he told her that he was the only one who would really understand her or that he was the best in the scene or some other line that encouraged the spankee to feel dependent. Especially if you aren’t involved in the community, that can seem incredibly true. I spent my early life wondering if there was a single man in the world who would be willing to spank a girl, and if so, how I’d ever find him. The truth is, there a bunches and bunches of awesome Tops out there. You don’t have to stay with a jerkface.

5) Spankos, like all living things, grow and develop. When I first started getting spanked, I only wanted to be spanked for punitive reasons. I eventually began to enjoy a very rare fun or arbitrary spanking, but it was not until I ended my dynamic with my first Top that I realized the ways in which my desires and interests had started to change. It took me another year of playing around with different people, learning about the community and doing soul-searching before I realized that submission was something that I wanted to explore for myself. Be open to the ways that you might be changing and don’t box yourself in.

6) Talk to other people. Spankos are cool. We make great friends. Reaching out and talking to others makes for good socializing and fosters a feeling of belonging in the community. More importantly, it opens you up to new ideas and allows you to learn from people, gives you a chance to ask questions and seek guidance and can help you to accept yourself. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I personally waited far too long before I did.

Practical Tips: some of these things might seem way too obvious, but it’s stuff that either I didn’t know when I first started out and found surprising or I didn’t believe for a long time.

7) Getting hit on the thighs hurts a lot! Thigh swats may or may not lead to sudden butt death depending on who you ask, but they’re a fairly common practice in the spanking community. S_F used it as a threat for a long time: “If you don’t hold still, I’m going to spank your thighs.” I didn’t even get why that was a threat. I just thought that it meant that a greater amount of my body was going to get hit. Then one day, I didn’t hold still. And then I understood. It’s horrible! The lower you go, the worse it gets. Be warned!

8) Icing works after a spanking, but never before. I just finished learning this lesson a week or so ago. It isn’t an old wive’s tale: getting spanked when your bottom is cold or has been iced is hellish! Using ice after a spanking is soothing and wonderful, plus it prevents bruising, but for the love of all that’s sacred, don’t use it unless you are SURE that you are done getting spanked for a while. It’s at least twice as bad after icing.

9) Wet bottom spankings don’t just sound louder. That’s what I’d been told: the sound of the impact is increased on a wet bottom so it has the psychological effect of sounding louder and therefore seeming scarier. That’s true. It’s incorrect that that’s all there is to it. It hurts more. A lot.

10) Don’t let curiosity kill the cat. If someone seasoned tells you something is horrible, you should probably trust them. If you don’t know if something is going to be extreme or not, you should probably ask another bottom before you try it. One of my best friends told me that the first time that she tried capsaicin cream it was her idea because she read about it on the internet! She didn’t know how bad it was going to be (and neither did her spanker) and she ended up standing in front of a fan crying for a long time. While I’m giving advice, avoid capsaicin. You’ll end up in front of a fan crying. You don’t want that.

11) Just tell everyone you’re allergic to rubber. Trust me on that one. Neoprene? Hypoallergenic? No. You’re allergic to that, too.

37 Responses to Tips for Newbies!

  • All very sound advice. This is one excellent post. πŸ™‚ Well done.

  • wonderful advice, Alex!

  • thanks alex good stuff here

  • “Respecting this law is respecting the very basis of the spanking community: that we engage in consensual adult spanking.”

    Good girl!

    “Just tell everyone you’re allergic to rubber.”

    Bad girl!

    That’s Alex-speak for “please send me more rubber implements to be used on my thighs after icing,” right?

    • No, Sir! You’ve already given me enough rubber implements to make me regret not having thought of this tip earlier, before it was too late for me! I think that imagining the tire-tread on my thighs after icing is going to prevent me from ever sleeping again. *shudder*

  • Hi Alex

    Really good thoughtful post; lots of helpful advise, and well presented, clearly and without condescension.

    All the best


  • “11) Just tell everyone you’re allergic to rubber.”

    this made me spit out my coffee.

  • This is very good, Alex. I would add, too, that you are entitled to your preferences and limits. Don’t let anyone talk you out of them, or make you feel silly because of them, or use scene speak or ‘that’s not normally how things are done’ to coerce you into anything you may be uncomfortable with.

    The thing with newbies is that they are often inexperienced and rely on someone with more experience to guide them in many instances. That makes a newbie susceptible. PLEASE know that you have every right to refuse to do something you’re not comfortable with, even if you are ‘submissive’.


    • That’s EXTREMELY important, sarah. I kind of feel foolish for having missed it. I continue to have experiences where someone tries to pressure me to try something that I am not comfortable with. Now that I’m very well established, it is easy for me to say “No, screw that!” There was a time, however, when I might have allowed myself to be pushed around.

  • Great post, Alex.

    I must be one of the odd ones because if it isn’t too hard, I like to get a bit on the thighs. Just enough to be stingy.

    I heartily agree with Sarah Thorne on sticking to preferences and limits. I happen to prefer to be spanked over jeans. My top doesn’t like that and it is a concern for a top’s hands. However, I still want it over jeans. I get just the right amount of sting I want. I am not going to be totally hard-nosed about it, but where I am now, that is what I want. I do wear faded, thinned out jeans with no pockets in consideration of my top.

    I am one of the newbies, too. I have been researching this for over a year now and I am seeing a pro top. I went pro for a coupld of reasons. One being there isn’t anything going on with just spanking in my areak, and, two, I thought it was the safest way to go for me. I am 62 and I have had this kink since I was about 5. I had no idea there was a whole community of people who liked spanking. I would say to any newbies, to do research with blogs, FetLife, and talking to people before getting into play. It will most likely save you from some not so great experiences.

    • I can enjoy it on the thighs, too, but no where near as hard as I can on my butt. It’s gotta be gentler in order to be “fun” for me: otherwise, it’s all about punishment or submission.

      I’m really happy for you that you’re able to get what you need finally! It was agonizing for me to wait 18 years, so I can’t imagine how it was for you to wait for so long!

  • “…I still have a system of individual safewords (it’s based on Pokemon)”

    “(kind of the way they assign a gender to the Game Master and Player in Roleplaying game rulebooks so that they don’t have to keep saying “he or she.” I’m not a geek. Really.)”

    Nah, you’re not at all! πŸ˜‰ I thoroughly enjoy reading everything you write. Great advice, whether somebody is new or not so new. I nodded vigorously with the no thigh spanking and no rubber. Ugh.

    • You were the one who first warned me about the evils of rubber! The first time I got hit with a rubber paddle, the thought in my mind was “LEA WAS RIGHT!”

      So glad you enjoy it. I love your writing, too! πŸ˜€

  • Great advice Alex! Thanks for sharing πŸ™‚

  • Congratulations on being named “Blog of the Month” at The Spanking Bloggers Network. Well done and well deserved!

  • Congratulations on your “Blog of the Month”. I’ve been wanting to tell you that but have been busy.


  • Wonderful tips. If you’re under 18, do you really want to be playing with someone that is willing to be so reckless about something so basic? Think about it. The best tips you gave though are #2 and #3 which really boil down to the same concept. Both spanker and spankee have an obligation to talk honestly about needs, desires and limits and then further, to respect those.

    If something isn’t going right… you as a spankee… have an ~obligation~ to speak up. That includes using a safeword. That process isn’t merely for YOUR protection either. No spanker worth his salt wants a ‘bad scene’ happening… and you have no right to inflict one on him merely because you “didn’t want to complain” or some other such concern. He should respect your limits, but the system is designed to have the double protection of you also working to protect your limits. So please-please-please use open communication including safewords!

    One other tip we’d offer is… spanking is not a competition. The spankee that can take the hardest spanking doesn’t win a prize (certainly not one worth winning). Everyone is wired differently. Some girls are best suited for a hard hand spanking… others require more. Let where you stand in the spectrum be discovered slowly and naturally. Don’t think you have to match some of the videos you see on SpankingTube or some of the pictures you see posted on blogs and FetLife.

    It can be easy to get competitive about that too. Talk and learn from other spankos, but focus on doing what works for you when it comes to the intensity of the spankings you get.

    ~Todd and Suzy

  • Thank you for sharing. Being new to all of this is rather scary in and of itself so it’s extremely helpful to learn from more experienced others.
    The subject matter is scary to begin with but when it’s purely a need, and not much of a want, it’s makes all the difference in the world for having been privileged enough to learn from others. Your contribution is greatly and gratefully appreciated.

  • hello I am a ”spanking newbie” and until recently i never realised that being spanked was such a ‘turn on’ – My Partner totally understands to and we both have talked about this. he is also eager to engage and says that it is essential to have a ‘safeword’ in case of injury or distress. thank you for your advice it has helped a lot.

  • Would it be too much to ask what is the best way for an older single guy to find women who want to play on any level without having to travel great distances to events? It seems that almost anything can be discussed except this one topic, asking to borrow ones partner seems more acceptable than asking this question

    • Hi there,
      Your request for a topic certainly isn’t too much to ask. Right now, I have a posting backlog, but once I’m caught up, I can certainly do a post on the subject. Please stay tuned!

  • Have only just discovered your blog via fetlife, am enjoying reading through all your posts, but this one has been especially useful.
    It’s handy to read for someone who is just starting to explore my interest, so thank you. I wish I’d read the point about being allergic to rubber a lot sooner though!

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Oh, Hai!


Los Angeles, California, United States

First and foremost, I’m a girl who loves being spanked. It’s at the very center of my being. I’m also a professional spanking model, which means I get to do what I love for my job. I’m twenty six years old, and currently located in Los Angeles when I’m not traveling around on my adventures. My vanilla interests include poetry, film history, academia, Pokemon, indie music, baby animals, baking and cooking, collecting vintage clothes and lots of cuddling.

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