I have a couple of friends online who are anticipating receiving their first spankings. Talking to them about it reminds me of when I was at that stage in my journey as a spanko. There’s an awful lot that can be learned about spanking from the internet. Just reading fetlife, or even spanking stories, can teach you most of the basics about how things tend to go. Watching videos can sometimes give you insights into some of the mysteries of things: for example, things that make the person getting spanked yell and twist more probably hurt more. Still, there’s stuff that seems to be common knowledge among some people that, six years into my adventure, I’m just picking up on. I decided to list some tips for new spankees. Feel free to add your own in the comments section! Note: I write using male pronouns for the Top and female for the bottom. This is because of the way that my mind is wired, and it just makes things easier (kind of the way they assign a gender to the Game Master and Player in Roleplaying game rulebooks so that they don’t have to keep saying “he or she.” I’m not a geek. Really.)
1) Wait until you are 18 to start. I can’t stress this enough. When I was 17 and I first met the man who later became my first Top, the fact that he refused to spank me until I reached 18 seemed really stupid to me. It didn’t make sense to me why it was such a big deal. I saw myself as an adult and I felt that I was “ready” to participate in an adult activity. Now, I’m deeply appreciative that he waited until the next year for my first scene. In retrospect, it’s a sign of his integrity and trustworthiness, and it’s just the right thing to do, period. I sound like a Top when I say this, but laws exist for a reason. The age of majority may seem arbitrary, but it exists to protect minors and to make sure that no one is coerced into something dangerous. Respecting this law is respecting the very basis of the spanking community: that we engage in consensual adult spanking.
2) Communicate with your Top during a spanking. This is also incredibly important. Tops aren’t mind readers. Everyone reacts to a spanking differently. Some people twist and writhe around when everything is fine and dandy– just because in your mind, it seems obvious that you are in distress doesn’t mean that it seems that way. Generally, an attentive spanker will ask questions regarding the bottom’s condition during a scene until he knows her reactions well. That said, if you aren’t being asked for this information, volunteer it. Say “This is more than I’m comfortable with” or “I’m doing well” every now and then.
3) Come prepared to use safewords, even if you don’t believe you’ll need to. I have had a lot of talk about how I don’t use safewords and I prefer to communicate verbally (since I don’t participate in consensual non-consent, when I say “stop!” or “I don’t want to be getting spanked anymore!” or something, I actually mean that I want the scene to end) but I still have a system of individual safewords (it’s based on Pokemon) that I’ve used when playing with new partners in the past, and I’ve used (as in, actually called) the Universal Safeword of “Red!” once. Keep that in the back of your mind when you scene, just in case.
4) Remember that there are plenty of spankos out there! Nearly every time I hear stories about girls who stay with men who are abusive to them within the spanking scene, the girl expresses that she believed that he was “special” in the fact that he was willing to spank her, or that he told her that he was the only one who would really understand her or that he was the best in the scene or some other line that encouraged the spankee to feel dependent. Especially if you aren’t involved in the community, that can seem incredibly true. I spent my early life wondering if there was a single man in the world who would be willing to spank a girl, and if so, how I’d ever find him. The truth is, there a bunches and bunches of awesome Tops out there. You don’t have to stay with a jerkface.
5) Spankos, like all living things, grow and develop. When I first started getting spanked, I only wanted to be spanked for punitive reasons. I eventually began to enjoy a very rare fun or arbitrary spanking, but it was not until I ended my dynamic with my first Top that I realized the ways in which my desires and interests had started to change. It took me another year of playing around with different people, learning about the community and doing soul-searching before I realized that submission was something that I wanted to explore for myself. Be open to the ways that you might be changing and don’t box yourself in.
6) Talk to other people. Spankos are cool. We make great friends. Reaching out and talking to others makes for good socializing and fosters a feeling of belonging in the community. More importantly, it opens you up to new ideas and allows you to learn from people, gives you a chance to ask questions and seek guidance and can help you to accept yourself. Don’t be afraid to reach out. I personally waited far too long before I did.
Practical Tips: some of these things might seem way too obvious, but it’s stuff that either I didn’t know when I first started out and found surprising or I didn’t believe for a long time.
7) Getting hit on the thighs hurts a lot! Thigh swats may or may not lead to sudden butt death depending on who you ask, but they’re a fairly common practice in the spanking community. S_F used it as a threat for a long time: “If you don’t hold still, I’m going to spank your thighs.” I didn’t even get why that was a threat. I just thought that it meant that a greater amount of my body was going to get hit. Then one day, I didn’t hold still. And then I understood. It’s horrible! The lower you go, the worse it gets. Be warned!
8) Icing works after a spanking, but never before. I just finished learning this lesson a week or so ago. It isn’t an old wive’s tale: getting spanked when your bottom is cold or has been iced is hellish! Using ice after a spanking is soothing and wonderful, plus it prevents bruising, but for the love of all that’s sacred, don’t use it unless you are SURE that you are done getting spanked for a while. It’s at least twice as bad after icing.
9) Wet bottom spankings don’t just sound louder. That’s what I’d been told: the sound of the impact is increased on a wet bottom so it has the psychological effect of sounding louder and therefore seeming scarier. That’s true. It’s incorrect that that’s all there is to it. It hurts more. A lot.
10) Don’t let curiosity kill the cat. If someone seasoned tells you something is horrible, you should probably trust them. If you don’t know if something is going to be extreme or not, you should probably ask another bottom before you try it. One of my best friends told me that the first time that she tried capsaicin cream it was her idea because she read about it on the internet! She didn’t know how bad it was going to be (and neither did her spanker) and she ended up standing in front of a fan crying for a long time. While I’m giving advice, avoid capsaicin. You’ll end up in front of a fan crying. You don’t want that.
11) Just tell everyone you’re allergic to rubber. Trust me on that one. Neoprene? Hypoallergenic? No. You’re allergic to that, too.