I bet you’re pretty surprised to see me updating my blog, aren’t you? It’s been…well, over a year. Something like 18 months, I guess. Blogging is something that I’ve had an increasing amount of difficulty finding time to do, but I miss it, and I’d like to start putting in the effort to make it happen again. It’s a bit odd, though. Since I stopped blogging very often several years ago, I kind of feel like you guys don’t know me that well anymore. Hopefully, you’re still following me on Twitter and Tumblr, although Tumblr has become kind of a lost cause these days, and maybe you follow me on Instagram when my account isn’t being deleted. But I’d like to catch up with you all here, in this space that belongs entirely to me.
To start things off, I went through and updated all my pages. There’s a new travel schedule, new answers and some new questions in the FAQ, new credits on my Resume/links list, and some updated information about booking a session with me. Please don’t think that just because sometimes life gets out of control with regards to my ability to blog that I’m not available for sessions, custom videos, or shoots anymore: I am still accepting new people to play with and love working on new artistic projects!
I obviously can’t tell you every single thing that happened in the past 18 months, but I’m just going to give you some bullet points.
– Working on Northern Spanking has become a huge part of my life. I love that site so much, and I’m passionately dedicated to making the best possible spanking content, as well as being the kind of producer that I would ideally want to work with as a model. I do not like to brag, but I’m very proud of the work that we’ve done, and I think that it’s only getting better. Here are a few favorite scenes I’ve worked on recently:
– In fact, at the end of last year, we launched a completely redesigned version of the website, which is much more technologically advanced as well as more visually pleasing than the old site. You can save favorites, search tags, stream video in addition to downloading it, create a queue, see your recently watched films…and do all of it from mobile, as well. Let me tell you, being able to use my own website from my phone has greatly improved the quality of my life. Anyway, if you’ve never joined the site before, you probably should give it a try, because I love it and I think it’s amazing.
– Also last year, we launched a new brand: Spanked and Diapered. I don’t know if I’ve ever really blogged about my exploration of ABDL, but it began when I first got to know Adriana. It’s something that had always been a low-key interest of mine. I can remember early “startles” the same way that I can about spanking, but the interest was more of a curiosity and not a pressing need the way that my spanking obsession was. So, it went on the backburner, because my spanking interest was very powerful and it took up all my fantasy time.
When Adriana and I first started playing together and she helped me to explore that interest, it immediately worked for me. I don’t identify as an ABDL. I’m very careful about this, because I know that there’s a huge difference between someone who likes spanking but can get by fine without it and a dyed-in-the-wool spanko, and I’ve been known to be a little bit touchy about the language there. So, it’s important for me to be respectful. That said, a lot of ABDLs love to include spanking in their play, the same way that I love to include ageplay, babyspace, regression, and of course, diapers in some of mine.
Anyway, we decided to create a site dedicated to this intersection of my fetish and my kink. Last year, we launched a Clips Store featuring a bunch of my favorite models doing some very hot stuff. Now, we’re working on getting a membership site up and running, which I’ll be telling you all about very soon. It’s so exciting to me. This is the first time that I’ve seen something go from an idea to an actual, full-fledged website, and it’s delightful.
– My cat, Gizmo, who I often called “the baby monster” on this site back when I gave my cats scene names as if that was ever going to matter, passed away just over a year ago. I’m honestly still incredibly sad. He was an old man, and even older for his breed, but he had spent so much of my life by my side and he was one of the sweetest animals that I ever knew. I honestly think I’ll be sad about it forever.
After he passed away, my other cat, Senor (“the punk”) got very depressed and anxious. He’s like me– prone to a lot of big emotions. Everyone recommended that we get another cat, and it seemed like it would be easier to introduce him to a kitten, so my new little boy, FBI Special Agent Dale Cooper the Cat (aka Cooper most of the time) came into our lives. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary of us getting Coop.
Honestly, it took Senor a long time to warm up to him. Cooper has A LOT of energy, and it seemed like the day that we got the kitten was the day that Senor decided that he was a senior cat! But now, I can safely say that they love each other. They spend a lot of time play wrestling, but also will sleep next to each other and lick each other’s fur. Heckin’ cute.
– I did A LOT of traveling. Honestly, the main reason I never blogged is because I was basically never home, and I was often keeping myself so busy that I was going to bed as soon as I got to my hotel/airbnb/whatever. I’m trying to do a little bit less of that this year, but then I look at my travel schedule and I see that that’s probably unlikely. I do, however, hope to manage it a little bit better.
-Throughout the course of my blogging, I’ve referred back to several different health problems that were constantly popping up throughout my life. If I remember right, I’ve generally been pretty vague about them, but I have severe allergies, migraines, sinus and respiratory problems, some skin problems, digestive issues…and a few other things. Last year, I got diagnosed with a condition called Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. It turns out that all the various problems that I’ve been trying to treat separately all had one root cause. I’m taking medications and supplements, and I’m eating a kind of odd seeming restricted diet (for example, I can never eat chocolate again) but I’m doing much better. My energy levels are better, and as a general rule, the amount of days where I don’t feel well has gotten much lower.
I say “as a general rule” because I was sick for approximately all of the winter in one way or another. Extremes in temperature make my condition flare, and I was on the east coast when it was freezing and snowing in November and had a ton of symptoms that just wouldn’t quit. I was doing better for a couple of weeks and then I got sick right before Christmas…and I just stayed sick. I had a cold that began bronchitis that became a sinus infection, and that flared up the respiratory side of my MCAS…
Anyway, I’m finally feeling better now. I guess what I’m trying to say is that my new treatment plan isn’t a cure: I still have issues sometimes. But as a general rule, the number of days per year where I feel well has only been going up, and I’d say that most of the time, I feel great. I’m much much much better than I was. Plus, I’ve been losing a lot of weight since I got healthier, which has been a great bonus.
– My Top space has continued to develop. Over the past couple of years, my interest in Topping has gone from just being an interest into a full-fledged core part of my kink play. Sometimes, I’ll go to events and only end up playing as a Top and I’ll leave feeling happy and content. My needs as a bottom as still extremely core to me, of course, but so many of my fantasies these days are about things like being a teacher or professor and spanking naughty students, for example.
– In less uplifting news, my (real, biological) mom was diagnosed with cancer a couple months ago and has been inpatient in the hospital since early December. I got to visit her twice so far– difficult because she’s in New York and I’m in California, and she seems to be doing pretty well, but it’s just been a stressful time. Add on top of that the fact that a very important person to me here in LA who is only 25 also got a cancer diagnosis in May and is still undergoing treatment now…and it’s been a tough year. It gets very heavy to deal with sometimes, knowing that two people that I love are on opposite sides of the country and dealing with different forms of the same terrible illness. I do my best to be supportive of both of them while also taking care of myself.
Gifts of Airline and Hotel gift cards REALLY help me right now, by the way. They allow me to be able to travel and see my mom while she’s recovering!
-At the end of the day, I’m still just a naughty girl who loves spanking and enjoys participating in it whenever possible! The last year had challenges, for sure, but it also had great times: Paul and I took a long road trip to the PNW with just the two of us and had a wonderful time together, and I got a lot of chances to visit my favorite friends. There are many of those coming up soon, too. I’m heading to Denver soon, to shoot for Real Spankings and visit friends, and at the end of next month I’ll be headed to Vegas to meet up with a ton of my favorite humans.
– I have two new ways that you can get naughty business from me: I have an Only Fans now, which I update every single day with exclusive selfies, photosets, and video. It’s got a lot of my most intimate content on it. I also now have a Many Vids store where you can see me exploring various different fetishes! So far, that store has less emphasis on spanking, but it’s got a lot of sexy stuff.
Ok, friends. This post has been kind of a weird mix of exciting stuff, work stuff, very personal stuff, and sad things. But I’m glad to be back here, and I will do my very best to post again soon.
Note: I went to start writing about my recent adventures and found that this post had been sitting as a nearly finished draft for a long time. I kept getting distracted from it! So, I’ve finished it. This post is slightly off topic and the latter half of it includes sexual themes and images of clothed female masturbation.
I’m not going to lie: I love wearing makeup. I don’t dislike the way that I look without it on. There’s something coy and girlish about my “working from home” look, which usually consists of me just dressed in a pair of panties and a t-shirt, working on my laptop. I don’t wear makeup when I’m not leaving the house or having someone over: I have a tendency to break out, and letting my skin “breathe” when I don’t need to be fancy helps that.
That said, I definitely prefer to wear a smattering of cosmetics. It’s a skill I’ve only recently really developed. I try to go for a natural look, but I do enjoy having doll like attributes, too. There’s nothing like being told that my skin looks like a porcelain doll, especially when just two years ago, despite my best efforts, I pretty much always looked ruddy and spotty in the face.
Still, I’m definitely not the type of girl who never leaves home without my makeup on. If I’m not in the mood for it, then I’m not in the mood for it. If I want to feel pretty and fancy, then it’s something fun to do that I can enjoy. It’s the same difference between picking out an outfit that makes me feel cute, or not caring if I look cute or not and just heading out in leggings and an oversized sweater. Both are perfectly legitimate options for me, depending on how I’m feeling that day. But there is one time when I feel like I’m *always* in the mood for makeup: when there’s a camera running.
Even in my early days of blogging and modeling, where I felt a lot more comfortable posting pictures where I wasn’t wearing any makeup and was highlighting my very bad skin (hey, at least acne made me look authentically adolescent, right?) on this site, I always did my best with my makeup when I was on camera. The fact that I wasn’t very good at it made me feeling less confident than I could have at times.
Once I learned how to do makeup a bit more, though, I started to feel more confident about the way that I looked in pictures and on video, and people seemed to respond better to my images, too. The fancier my makeup, the more confident I feel, too. While I once felt out of place and out of my element when I dressed up, I’ve started to revel in it, realizing that I didn’t have to act any differently just because I looked different.
(A handful of selfies from a day when a makeup artist did my look, and I felt particularly cute)
Unfortunately, in a certain way, somewhere along the way, I crossed a Rubicon in this department. The confidence that I gain when I primp and powder became dependent on these this preparation in order to show up. The days when I would take and post a selfie to showcase a point simply wearing whatever I happened to have on, with my blotchy, unmade-up face on plain display are long gone. I post the occasional unmade-up pre-bedtime photo, but it’s rare.
I don’t really understand it, because I don’t feel uncute without makeup. If I’m willing to walk around the mall like this, why am I not willing to put it on the internet? Somewhere along the line, perhaps around the time when I began doing more explicit videos, intimacy began to be assigned differently. My naked body became something that everyone has seen. But, at least for the past few years, my naked face is something that’s been reserved for people who have spent real life, casual time around me. It’s the face that Paul looks at when we wake up in the morning. It’s the face that greets Rafa when I wander into his apartment so we can cuddle on the couch and watch movies. It’s the face that my girlfriend runs a loving finger across while we soak in bath together. It’s the face that Erica and Spankcake see when I’m feeling frazzled and I need them: the kind of days when one of us silently moves across the table to pull the other into a hug.
Thinking about these kinds of moments, those tender, vulnerable, intimate moments, I realized that I usually do feel quite cute and pretty in those times. I feel clean and innocent, and yes, I feel sexy. Any kind of nudity can be enjoyable.
Thinking about this a while ago, I decided that I wanted to try doing a video without any makeup on. I wanted to try being nakedly myself on film, just to see how it felt. I decided that I wanted to film something in my most natural state.
Last fall, Paul and I went on our first road trip together. We drove from Los Angeles to Green River Utah, where we spent a night before heading to Denver. We stayed for a few days there while I worked and we visited with Amoni, and then we got back in the car and drove to Iowa, through the corn fields and plains of the area where I used to live. We spent two nights there, and I did a day long shoot with a local bondage producer. From there, we continued on to Chicago, where we then attended the October Crimson Moon Party. It was a blast, and I didn’t feel too tired from all of the travel yet.
On the way back, we drove straight through to Denver in one go, and by then, I was starting to feel a bit worn by the trip, but it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being in a car with someone for that long is very vulnerable: there’s no hiding any aspect of yourself in those close quarters, and you have to be patient with one and other. Fortunately, there was no tension between us. The trip went by harmoniously.
The shoot the next day was one of my favorites that I ever did with them, but it was definitely hard. It started off with strapping, followed by a caning, and then a hard school paddling. I got a break to be a background character in one of Jordan’s scenes, and then she had to go home. When it was time to do the last scene, Michael Masterson told me that we could do whatever I wanted to.
I’d had a long week and a half of adventuring. I had been spanked countless times, in multiple cities and states, including plenty of hard scenes. But there was something special about this last scene I was going to do: it was the final thing that I had planned. I didn’t have to hold anything back for later. This could be a final expenditure of energy for me.
So, I didn’t hold anything back. I went into the “implement room” and came back with a Vermont Country Store bath brush and I asked for a long, hard, OTK spanking with it, one that would push me. I’ve done a lot of hard scenes with Michael in the past, and I trust him both to bring me to a place I want to go and not to bring me too far from where I should be. We negotiated my safety signal (since this works better for me than a safeword) and the scene started.
It was super hard, and super fast: I struggled and wailed and cried out as Michael pinned my hand behind my back. It was everything I wanted it to be. I felt sore and exhausted when it was done, but happy and satisfied with myself.
When the shoot was over and I had finished fussing over the Real Spankings cats, I met up with Paul and we had to hit the road: we wanted to drive as far as Utah that night. I dropped a little bit at one point, but Paul boosted me back up, and seeing big horn sheep in the mountains made me stay alert. We drove until we reached Green River again, then checked into the same motel where we had stayed on the way there.
That night, I slept very soundly, although I must admit that I slept on my tummy. My bottom was still very sore to the touch, and I was exhausted.
I woke up the next morning still feeling sore, but as is often the case, feeling horny as well. It was a particular kind of horniness that I get sometimes, usually after I’ve been doing a lot of shoots: exhibitionist horniness. Paul was already up and dressed, so when he came back in from having been outside looking at the Utah landscape (something quite alien to anything you’ll see in the UK) I told him that I wanted to film a video.
Honestly, I think I decided that I wanted to do a no makeup video that morning because I was too lazy to really get put together, but still wanted to film. Besides, I felt cozy and contented. I had gone to sleep in my favorite old, soft t-shirt and pair of panties, without bothering to take off my tall socks from the day before. Paul set up the camera and I didn’t do anything more to get ready than run my fingers through my hair.
So, I started to masturbate, the way I would if there was no camera there, mixing fingering myself through my panties with some pillow humping. I felt a flush of invigoration, knowing that I was being observed in this natural state. I didn’t worry about being judged, or not looking the way that I “should.” I just existed, vulnerable and fine with that.
Later, I looked at the stills that we had taken after the video and it felt a little odd to see, now that I was out of that moment. I had pulled the gaudy, motel bedspread and the sheets out of place in my passion, and my bottom was a mixture of bruises, cane welts and lines from where I’d slept. My hair was a mess, and without makeup, my face really showed how flushed I become with arousal.
I wasn’t used to seeing myself look this way in an image online, instead of the mirror as I sleepily got ready for the day. I felt a bit shy to share this, but it also felt like something special. Like, despite the fact that I never undressed in the video, I was truly being naked on the internet again.
I’m not going to make a habit of doing this sort of thing, but it was a fun boundary to push. That’s not to say that I’ll never do it again. Want to see me at my most vulnerable? You can get the video here.
This is just to say that I’m still around. Things have been ultra-busy recently.
I flew from Los Angeles to Dallas and had a blast at TASSP.
From there, I flew to England, where I got to spend time with Paul, visit with friends and meet some great people. Plus, lots of adventures were had.
From there, we drove to Scotland, where I had many unforgettable adventures, and made some of my new favorite memories!
From there, we drove back down to England, where I spent a couple of days getting myself together before…
I flew back to the US, directly to Chicago, for the Chicago Crimson Moon Party!
Then, a few days ago, I flew back to Los Angeles. I arrived and promptly became super duper sick with a terrible summer cold. I haven’t been getting much done because I have almost no energy. I haven’t even unpacked yet. Mostly, I’ve been camped out in bed, from where I’m writing this mini-post.
In not very long at all, it’s back to the airport, too. I’m heading to Dallas again, for the Stormy Night Publications Author’s Conference.
Yesterday, despite being sick, I went to lunch with one of my very best friends, Erica Scott. She didn’t mind the fact that I was constantly sneezing in between bits of my stories. That’s a true friend.
Hopefully, soon I’ll start getting these stories up for you. Thanks for being patient with me.