I’m back from approximately 11,587 adventures that have left me away from home and mostly off the internet for a long time. Paul is in England and I’m back in Los Angeles, so for the time being, we aren’t shooting anything for Northern Spanking or our other forthcoming projects, which means that I have a little bit more free time than I usually do. I spent the morning catching up on email, and I have my House Boy coming to do chores this afternoon. I decided that it would be really nice to get back into blogging, if I can. Blogging used to be such a habit for me, but when I start again, it never sticks. It makes sense. My life is full to the brim with travel, producing and appearing in videos, doing sessions, going to events and spending time with partners and friends. It gets overwhelming pretty often, and during times when it isn’t, I feel the need to unplug and just enjoy being with people. At the same time, I love being able to share my stories and come home from my trips with something that all of you can enjoy, too.
So, let’s try again. Maybe this will be an isolated post, or maybe it won’t. We’ll just have to wait and see, won’t we?
Working backwards in terms of places I’ve been recently, I arrived home from Denver the other night. Denver, of course, is where I go to shoot for the Real Spankings sites, and to visit my BFF, Amoni, who lives out there.
I shoot for Real Spankings a couple of times a year, generally speaking. It used to be more often than that when I lived in the midwest and had a life that it was easier to sneak away from. Real Spankings was one of the first spanking websites that I ever looked at when I was starting to explore what the internet had to offer– I think this is the case for many people. I remember being totally enamored with it, and I know that lots of aspects of it made an imprint on the way that my fetish developed.
The first times that I went out and shot for their site were nerve wracking but extremely exciting. I was such a fan girl, having watched these videos for years and years at this point. Real Spankings has a very particular aesthetic, and even though the location where they shoot has moved a lot of times, they’ve kept the look of the spaces consistent with the same furniture, wardrobe et cetera. It was a really immersive experience to then be able to walk directly into that world and be a part of it. The first time I wore the Real Spankings Institute uniform I felt like I was going to die from excitement.
Besides all the giddiness I had about participating in something that I’ve loved for a long time, there was a huge level of apprehension surrounding those first couple of shoots because, uh, the spankings on those sites are really hard. I remember wondering if I was going to be able to take it. It felt kind of like an ultimate test to me. At the time, I was playing really hard on a regular basis though, so I had a lot of confidence in my ability to endure. I was right– it was a painful experience, of course, but a very positive one and I was eager to repeat it.
The first two or even three times that I shot for Real Spankings, Michael Masterson wasn’t there. He was on a hiatus from appearing on film. The first time that I went out and met him was a really, really big deal for me. He was one of the first video Tops that I really fixated on, and I was both worried about making myself look stupid in front of him and I had more than a little healthy fear of getting spanked by him.
One of the ways that I’ve been most fortunate in my adventures exploring the world of spanking is the fact that the majority of the people that I was a fan of before meeting turned out to be genuinely amazing in real life. Sometimes I take a step back from my life and think about how surprised the younger version of myself would be by the adventures that I’m having and the wonderful people I get to spend time with. While I was in Denver, I had a moment like this. I realized that I was texting my partner, Paul Kennedy, to tell him about the great day that I had with my friend, Michael Masterson. I can’t imagine how badly it would have blown my mind to have known that this was going to end up being my life.
Anyway, in the present, I have become really close friends with Michael, and shooting for RS has remained something really special for me. It’s a space where I enjoy pushing myself, and Michael is one of the people who I trust the most to push me.
The idea of limits within a spanking scene is something that can be tricky. The more calloused side of myself sometimes hears someone (or even myself) say “I can’t take that” and thinks “well, what’s going to happen? Are you going to burst into flames?” For a long time, I thought that setting limits was a weakness and I did very little of that. There were things that I wasn’t going to seek out, but I was generally happy to take what I was given.
Then, I went through a period of time where I became very emotionally vulnerable and I came to understand the limits that people set for themselves quite a lot more. I struggled to relax and let things happen to me because I was afraid of getting hurt. This was something that colored my life for a long time, and which I’ve only recently been able to fully shake off. Even during the time that I was most protective and concerned, I felt totally safe and happy to push myself when shooting for RS. I’ve always felt so safe and emotionally comfortable there. I know that the spankings I’m going to get are going to hurt and leave me feeling sore, but I also know that I’m going to be safe and secure while it’s happening and that no one is going to do me any harm. This allows me to just be the person that I am and enjoy what we’re doing.
Basically, they’ve created an environment that makes me want to give it my all, to keep pushing myself and to make something that I really love and value.
All this said, a side effect of this environment is that I can let my headspace be really…real. I can let myself get really worked up over the spankings that I’m going to get because I know just how much they’re going to hurt. I always plan these trips pretty far in advance, and there’s a slow building of anticipation as the date approaches. I’ll be talking about my upcoming plans and I’ll mention going to go shoot for Real Spankings with *just a twinge* of nervousness about what that means: it’s still really far off at this point.
As my trip to Denver was getting closer and closer, I started thinking more and more about what was looming in my future and I started building it up in my head. I started remembering particularly hard spankings that I got in the past. I started remembering them really vividly, and these memories made my heart pound. There were times when I got spanked really, really hard. I was crying and struggling and deep in the headspace of being punished. Remembering these things nervously and knowing that they’re in the future as well as the past is an intense headspace experience for me. It creates just the right kind of fear. I have to really trust someone to feel the right kind of fear before a scene, but when I do, it makes the whole experience feel so authentic and all encompassing for me. For a scene to be totally gratifying for me, it has to build up this way.
By the time that I flew into Denver, I had worked myself up over this quite a lot.
My girlfriend, Adriana Evans, was already in Denver. We were going to be shooting together the next day. I’ve gotten to see Adriana a lot recently and I’ve been totally spoiled by it. She’s one of my favorite people in the world and we always have so much fun together. Being with her makes me feel really young and lighthearted. We got to hang out with Michael before shoot day, and had lots of fun.
The next day was time to shoot, at which point I was full of (enjoyable) nervous energy. It was so much fun to get to share this experience with Adriana, who totally gets me and who was greatly contributing to my headspace. She’s also just the best. I love doing anything with her.
We shot six scenes this day, and they built up in terms of toughness. The first scene was hand only, and I got to be a pervy voyeur while Adriana got spanked, so that was lots of fun. The next two scenes were harder: we both got strapped in both of them. Michael got the tops of my thighs a little bit with the second strap and I was a very sorry girl indeed. Listening to Adriana get her punishment and holding her wrists while she did it was very headspacey for me, too. These two scenes left me crying out and squirming around a little bit, but I was able to take them fairly well.
We were halfway through, but I knew that the second half was going to be more than a bit harder to take.
That didn’t mean it wasn’t fun, though! We got to do a scene where we wore the famous Real Spankings dropseat pajamas: one of the only things that I really remember watching but never had a chance to actually wear.
We took our dress up games too far, and got the belt. (This scene includes something special and exciting, too, that is right up Adriana’s alley, haha). We got to cuddle each other afterwards and enjoy a nice, lovey moment:
Real talk: this scene was hard and I was really struggling to be good during it. Michael’s belt isn’t just a normal belt. It’s crazy thick and very serious business and it always makes me particularly sorry. We got belted standing and bending over, which is a position that I struggle to maintain. I have to pay attention to keeping myself upright, which makes it harder for me to get into my totally passive headspace and prevents me from blocking out the pain a little with this. My butt was hot and my skin felt swollen and sore by the time this was done. I was close to crying, but not exactly there. Fortunately, I had Adriana to give me a bunch of cuddles, because I knew what was coming next: paddling.
Every time I come to shoot for Real Spankings, I get a school paddling. It’s just a fact of life. It’s ten swats, and I’m always telling myself “anyone can take ten swats of anything” when I become nervous. But those swats count. The whole thing is such an experience…it really feels like I’m actually getting punished at school. It’s (almost always) over jeans, which gives a certain level of protection and creates verisimilitude, but it also means that the swats can be that much harder. I used to be scared of getting paddle swats because I didn’t know what it would feel like…and now I’m scared of them because I do. There’s nothing else in the world that feels the same way. It’s this sudden an inescapable pain that comes with so much *force*. It feels like I’m going to go flying across the room. The sound is so loud, too, and the louder something is, the scarier it is. But it isn’t just sound: these swats are the kind of thing that you feel for a long time after the scene.
I managed to keep myself from getting *too* worked up this time. Sometimes, I get so deeply into my headspace that I start feeling lightheaded (I love it). I was feeling a little sweaty though, and my heart was definitely pounding. To make matters worse, Adriana got paddled first. Which is fair to her, really, since I’ve been paddled way more often than she has and that’s the way it’s supposed to work, right? The more experienced friend is the one who has to listen and worry?
I was very worried. The swats sounded hard and loud and Adriana was practically yelling by the end.
I was very hesitant as I got up and got in position for my paddling. I felt like I could look over to Adriana for support but I was too focused on what was going on inside my head for that. It was just as hard as I was worried it would be. I *did* yell, and probably sounded truly pathetic, to be perfectly honest. I fell deep into the emotional space of having been punished (even though it obviously wasn’t real) and felt very sore and sorry by the time it was over. But I didn’t cry. I was close, but not exactly there.
I usually cry whenever I shoot for Real Spankings, but sometimes I don’t– it just depends. I was in a pretty good emotional space and not carrying around baggage that I needed to get out, and I was well rested and surrounded by friends, so any tears that were going to come would just be from headspace and, yep, pain, not from me letting go of things I was carrying around (which sometimes happens in my life, and is honestly a great thing for me).
The last scene of the day was a school girl one, and it started out lighthearted and fun but as soon as I got the first smack with a heavy wooden ruler, I realized just how sore and busted my butt was and I immediately felt tears building. It had been a long day and my butt was really feeling it. Even though it didn’t really fit the scene, I felt comfortable to just let go and fall into that and I started crying. I honestly would have been disappointed if I hadn’t. This was the final piece of making the whole thing truly intense.
At the end of the scene, I got six strokes with a heavy yard stick and six with the cane and I just sobbed the whole time. Because spankings hurt, and what else are you supposed to do? I felt a little hazy afterwards: that’s a lot of adrenaline and endorphins, but I felt good. My needs were met, and I knew that the videos we had filmed were going to be great. Plus, I had gotten to share all these intense scenes with Adriana and Michael, two people I just adore.
My job is hard and demanding, but damn, it’s great sometimes. :3
We finished off our visit with a quick trip to Red Rocks:
That night, I went to Amoni’s house, where I immediately went to her freezer and stole an ice pack. I was definitely bruised and marked and it really did hurt to sit. It was great.
I was only in Denver for a day and a half after that, and I spent most of the time just hanging out with Amoni (and petting her really cute dog):
I also got to go see the Mountain Goats the next night, but this is Alex in Spankingland, not Alex in Indie Music Land so I won’t go into it too much. Suffice to say, it was a brilliant show and I had an amazing time.
The next morning I had to get up early to head back to LA. I was still very tender as I sat on the flight home!
It’s been a long time since I’ve updated my blog. I miss you all!
Things have been busy over here, recently. Honestly, I don’t really know where the time goes. The time since my last post seems like a blur. It’s only by looking back at my calendar and the pictures that I took that I can remind myself of as much that happened as possible.
Shortly after the release of The Sheriff’s Little Girl, in the end of September, I headed out of town for a few days. I was doing an extended session with someone who is also a great friend, so it’s a lovely way to spend some time. The day after I got back, I got together with a new friend. She had emailed me after reading my blog and lived not far from me, so we met up and hung out. We went to the mall together and walked around, chatting about video games, cats, and of course, spanking. It was a really fun afternoon, and it was great to make a new connection through This Thing We Do.
That night, Paul and I had some much needed play time:
The next day, Paul and I drove down to Orange County so that he could pick up the car that he bought. Paul loves cars, and he spent a long time deliberating about what sort to get here in America. I’m quite pleased with the one that he chose: I think it suits him quite well!
I haven’t had a chance to get spanked in or over it yet, but I’m looking forward to it.
That night, we met up with Spankcake in order to help Erica Scott’s partner, John, surprise her for her birthday. We went to an amazing Japanese restaurant in the Hollywood Hills with an awesome view. We had champagne and Spankcake and I shared sushi (as usual for us!). Most importantly, we got to celebrate Erica, who we love so much. I’m not going to go into too much detail about the night, since this post is basically a clips show of the past six weeks, but you can read Erica’s account of it here. I will say that it was a truly amazing night, and some of the most fun I’ve had in a long time. John’s love and affection for Erica and his pleasure at seeing her so happy is something that always makes me smile when I recall it.
The next day we had the adorable Linny Lace over for a shoot! In case you aren’t familiar with Linny, she’s a pretty new spanking model based in Los Angeles. She did her first spanking shoot with Paul and I for Northern last spring. She’s super cute and very sweet, and I was happy to have her back for another shoot. If you use tumblr, you can follow her there.
This day, we were experimenting with producing content for someone else: they had seen me posting about custom videos available and had emailed me asking if I would film content for their site. We gave it a go. The plan was to shoot half the day for this other site and half the day for NS. It wound up being a *very* long day, but Linny was such a trooper. Because we had commitments to the other site, we only ended up being able to do one video for us, but it was a very fun one: our Halloween special.
This film was all my idea. Paul isn’t particularly enthusiastic about Halloween, but I definitely am. It’s one of my favorite holidays because I love dressing up. I kind of miss being young enough to be able to go door to door trick-or-treating, to be perfectly honest. So, I wrote a video about Linny and I having done that. In it, we’re American girls living in England, where the trick-or-treating is not so strong (and you get people like Paul and John Osborne being grumps about Halloween). I imagined that we’d want to participate in some of the mischief night aspects of the holiday and that our neighbors, and the local authorities, would not be so keen on that idea.
The video started with us sitting on the rug and sorting out our candy from our very full treat bags. This was a very thinly veiled excuse for us to have to buy two treat bags worth of Halloween candy, I’ll admit it, but it was all in the name of verisimilitude! Paul, our guardian, then interrupted us, having just gotten off the phone with the police about our criminal mischief involving egging houses and wrapping trees in toilet paper (admittedly, that’s a worse offense in the UK than in Southern California when you think about how rain works). Of course, we had to be severely punished, and we were both spanked and then caned.
We got to wear Halloween costumes in this, of course: Linny brought a really amazing Red Riding Hood costume that she made herself, and I wore my Hello Kitty costume from last year:
The next few days were full of sessions, working on my current Work in Progress, admin stuff and my butt wearing these shorts:
That Saturday, we did a shoot with Chelsea Pfieffer. Half of it was for Good Spanking and half of it was for my clips store, Kitchen Sink Spanking.
Shooting for two sites in one day is long, but we got a lot of good stuff done! The scenes that we did for KSS probably won’t be released for a while, but you can see a couple pictures anyway:
And here are a couple from Good Spanking (these videos are currently live on the site):
Do you like my bunny slippers? I’m kind of in love with them. They were a gift from someone awesome off my Amazon Wishlist. I kinda wish I could wear them every day.
We took that Sunday off, but on Monday, it was time to shoot again! This time, we shot with Cupcake SinClair. I had never met Cupcake, but I realized as soon as I met her that she was seriously sweet: the name suits! She’s so spunky and full of energy, and she was such a pleasure to work with. We’re definitely going to have her back for a longer shoot in the future. We did scenes for both Northern Spanking and for her site (linked earlier in this paragraph). It’ll be a little while before we get to introduce her on the site, but I’m excited for it, because the videos we did are totally great.
We had a lot of behind the scenes fun and giggles:
And here’s a picture of Paul and I being cute together off camera:
I had probably too much fun spanking her. This girl has a serious tolerance, so I got to use my meanest hairbrush, the one I try to avoid getting spanked with as much as possible!
The day after that, we drove down to Orange County to meet up with one of the ladies I’ve been friends with in the spanking community for the longest: Lily Starr. She was in town to do sessions, and I jumped at the chance to do a shoot with her! We did scenes for Lily Starr Spanking, Northern Spanking and Kitchen Sink Spanking.
One of the scenes that we did for Lily’s site was particularly fun: we got to wear Halloween costumes again! I had hoped that we could both dress up as slutty bears, as I had ordered stuff for a slutty polar bear costume to wear later in the month and Lily had a slutty panda outfit. However, the postal service failed me and my box arrived a day too late. Fortunately, Lily had some cute slutty Disney girl outfits that we wore instead.
In the scene, Lily was my friend (very much like in real life, in fact) and we had a Halloween party at my house. We spiked the punch and things got a bit out of control. Except we were playing as teens, so it was quite a big deal, and Paul (who played my dad) was super not thrilled to have a house full of drunken teenagers. I knew I was in for a spanking, but I didn’t know he was also going to punish my friend. We both got it very hard, too.
This film is special because it’s actually the first time that Lily and I have ever been spanked together on camera, despite having been filming together since 2011. We finally got to fix that!
We also did a really cute scene where Lily was my strict Aunt, who punished me for disobedience and bad language (and I got to wear my bunny slippers again):
And we did some cute scenes for Northern with Lily getting spanked by Paul. I love watching her get spanked because she has such sweet and genuine reactions.
That night, when we were finished shooting, we took some much needed alone time and snuck off to Disneyland, since we were pretty close by. We got dinner, watched the fireworks and went on a few rides. It was something we so needed! Even though we work together, it gets stressful to not get to also spend some down time together, and it was the refreshment that I needed, since there was a lot more busyness coming right up.
Despite my best efforts at brevity, I’m not going to be able to fit everything that’s happened into one post like I originally planned. Hopefully it won’t be another six weeks before I post again!
Before I go for the night, I have a couple things to add:
First, if you have a tumblr blog and you want to share the pictures featured in this post, that’s cool. Here’s what you need to do if you’re going to do that:
1) Put www.alexinspankingland.com as the source on the picture.
2) Not use them to advertise for something else, claim them as your own work/pictures of you or add a fictional story in which you rename me or make up a background for the picture (I’m sharing my life with you and don’t feel comfortable with it being used for these things, so please respect that).
3) Ideally, tag me @alexinspankingland so I can reblog your post. 🙂
The other thing:
Big thank you to the three people who left me blog comments while I was away, and to everyone who kept visiting this blog, keeping the traffic surprisingly high for a place that wasn’t being updated. I really appreciate you guys. I would *love* to get comments more often, even just saying hi. Engaging back and forth is so much more fun than just rambling about myself into a void. 🙂 Part of the reason that I use tumblr more often these days is because I get so much feedback and participation from people (admittedly some of it is totally dick, but most is great). I guess the real reason is because it takes a few minutes to add a post there where as this one took me almost two hours and hours are pretty hard to come by these days. But the fact that I get to interact with people there is really rewarding.
My whirlwind of adventures began in the middle of June, when I flew to Dallas for the Texas All State Spanking Party.
TASSP is one of my favorite parties, so I was very much looking forward to it. Packing, however, was a most nerve racking experience. I had to pack everything for TASSP, almost a month in the UK in various weather conditions AND the Chicago Crimson Moon party. I also had various shoots and sessions throughout the course of that time for which I needed specific wardrobe and implements, AND I was vending at TASSP. It was made even more difficult by the fact that I’ve been increasing my fitness recently, so a lot of my clothes had gotten a bit too big, so everything had to be tried on before it could be packed.
I was kind of a mess in the time leading up to leaving. It was just so daunting: there was so much to prepare for. Fortunately, between Paul taking care of me long distance and some really helpful encouragement/limit setting from my FWB Dr Lectr, I got everything done that I needed to.
I bought a new suitcase and a new backpack for my journeys. I like backpacks a lot. I like anything that makes me feel like I’m going to school. To make it even more “me,” I added two keychains that I bought when I was in Japan and had been saving for the past five years, plus a smattering of buttons. This is a throwback to the backpack that I carried when I was really a high school student: the red “DORK” is the same one that sat in a similar position on my high school bag, although I had a far great quantity of buttons back then.
I was also more organized than I’ve ever been before when it came to my travel documents. You might remember my rather traumatic entry to the United Kingdom the last time I visited, so I wanted to not repeat this. So, this time, I was prepared. I had all my boarding passes, a copy of my whole trip’s itinerary, all my hotel information for TASSP, a copy of my passport and print out copies of all my prescriptions all in a plastic file folder, very reminiscent of the one that I had made fun of Paul for having on our first shoot. I guess I’ve grown up a bit in the past couple of years, because instead of thinking it was nerdy, I felt pretty pleased with myself for being so spiffy.
So, I finally left Los Angeles, saying goodbye to Rafa and Z, and snuggling my cats until they were really ready for me to just leave them alone. My flight to Dallas was cramped and delayed, as is often the way, but I arrived safe and sound late on the Wednesday before TASSP.
James and Korey Johnson, two of the friends I’ve had in the scene for the longest, picked me up at the airport and brought me back to their house for the night. We sat down in their living room to talk. Mostly, when we’re together, we talk and laugh. I very rarely laugh as hard as I do when I’m with them, and as usual, we were cracking up about stuff so much that I had tears rolling down my face from laughing so hard.
Besides being two of my best friends, James and Korey are also the keepers of two of my favorite cats, so while we were talking, I was also cuddling with some of my best feline buddies.
And suddenly, it was six in the morning. Oops.
I had sessions the next day, and the hotel was on the other side of Dallas from where they live, so I only got to grab a couple of hours of sleep, a trend that would continue for a while.
I was probably grumpy when I got up and got ready, but staying up with them was so worth it. In the morning, they took me to the TASSP hotel, where I was greeted by Princess Kelley and a few other friends. I had to get settled and changed very quickly, as I had a lot of work to do that day, but I was very much looking forward to catching up with my friends.
I also got to see my roommate, Tattoo Fairy, who is another one of my Southern California friends and a total sweetheart. Because my birthday was upcoming, she had brought me a present! I love Disneyland, and TF and have gone there together twice. The last time we were there I noted a series of collectables that were reproductions of the original souvenirs sold when Disneyland opened 60 years ago. They fit perfectly with the vintage side of my personal aesthetic. I had also mentioned wanting the Winnie the Pooh Disney Tsum Tsum. TF had listened to my chattering about things I wanted, and then surprised me with them. It was seriously too sweet.
I got to see a bunch of my other friends, too, and, of course, play!
I got to catch up with Dr. Lectr, Piper, JC, Zoey, Johnny, OTKdesire, Stonehand, Elizabella and her daddy, Cane Dreamer and Genevieve, Whooperine, Finneous and a bunch of other friends and I met Princess Flyer and Eye Candy for the first. I was originally not quite in the mood to play, but Piper convinced me that we needed to get spanked by Dr. Lectr together, and I wasn’t going to refuse.
She made the right choice on my behalf. I was feeling kind of stressed out from all the stimulus of getting to the party and some running around I had done earlier. Dr. Lectr started lightly and sensually, building up intensity as the heat built in my bottom. He started with hand spanking but moved on to strap us as well. At first I was hesitant about the strapping, my body tensing to resist each rhythmic swat of the thick leather. But before long, I melted into it, giving myself over to the feeling of impact and letting it shudder through my body.
As I let go of my tensions, I found that my stress dissipated with them, and I floated off to a happy place, filled with endorphins. Each stroke of the strap became more pleasurable instead of more painful, and I gripped Piper’s hand tightly. Although I was, near the end, a bit out of the real world, it was still a wonderful bonding experience. I’m so glad that Piper and I have gotten closer as friends in the past year. I’m so happy to have her as part of my scene family.
The theme of the night in Dr Lectr’s suite was TTYL. This is a theme that he invented a few years. Instead of standing for “talk to you later,” in this context it means “tights, thongs, yoga pants and leggings.” I recently bought jodhpurs, and I’ve been enjoying wearing them whenever I get a chance. A while ago, Kelley and I had come to the conclusion that jodhpurs actually are leggings, so I decided to wear this for TTYL. Besides, I was a bit sorer than I would have planned to be on a Thursday after some of my play sessions, and getting spanked on a particularly sore bottom through one layer of clothing gives a little protection, but also a very nice feeling. The slight numbing that the leggings provide reminds me of how I feel when I start to float into subspace, and I think it has a placebo effect and makes me get more endorphins more quickly. After some enjoyable jodhpur spankings, Kelley texted me to find her and we decided to check out what was going on in the other suites.
Kelley and I went to wander and we found a suite where some spanking games were being played. They were in the midst of a serious game of Spanking Jenga. The rules were simple: only the bottoms actually played Jenga, some pieces were marked with a number of swats, and you received that many swats if that was the piece that you picked. Of course, serious spankings were in store for whoever let the tower tumble.
Kelley and I jumped in to play. I took this game very seriously, and did not want to knock over the tower, as seen by my facial expression in this photo:
As the night wore on, I returned to Dr. Lectr’s room to hang out, where I got more spankings (surprise!) and joked around with friends. But eventually, I got tired, and it was time to change into my pajamas.
I don’t remember what time I turned in, but I know I was pretty exhausted by the time I did. And of course, the next day was going to be chock full of adventures, so I snuggled up to my bear and owl and tried to get some zzzzzz’s.
(to be continued)
My fourth TASSP is done, and it was a wonderful time. On the plane, as I was headed to England, I started to think about the past three years of my life in the National spanking scene, and all that has happened since I first arrived at TASSP in 2012.
I remember the overwhelming, full body anxiety I felt as I first showed up at the old TASSP hotel. What if no one liked me? What if I didn’t make friends? Could I really handle a whole weekend full of getting spanked? And play with people I didn’t know yet? Would it be weird to watch others playing? What would the activities be like?
I imagined that, realistically, I was probably going to have a pretty good time. I didn’t imagine that on that day, I was going to meet people who, upon seeing them three years later, I’d run down the hallway to tackle hug, or who would get tears in their eyes when it was time to go at the end of the weekend.
I guess what I mean to say is that I didn’t know when I first arrived at a National party that I was actually arriving at my home for the first time, that I had found a kind of acceptance and a feeling of belonging which had been lacking throughout my entire life.
I didn’t really feel it at that first party. I met people who I really liked, but in the couple of days that I was there and my shy nature back then, I didn’t get to know them that well. I think back on some of the people who I met for the first time there, and I can’t even imagine my life without knowing them. Some of them were people I spent a lot of time with at that party and never stopped wanting to spend a lot of time with. Others were people I only met in passing, but would spend more time with at other parties in the future and become fast friends.
I met someone at my first TASSP with whom it would take years, literally up until last month, for our friendship to properly blossom due to miscommunications and someone negatively influencing our ability to get along. Now, we’re finally having the friendship we should have always had, and that’s an amazing feeling. Telling her that I’ll miss her and that I was so glad we got to spend time together this weekend as I left and both of us knowing that we really meant it, finally, was one of the most refreshing feelings.
I made a friend at that party who ended up doing a lot of really hurtful and destructive stuff to me, but the spanking world can’t always be perfect. I have met people who were just incredibly toxic through the scene, yes, but it’s important to remember that for everyone who has hurt me, I’ve met countless more who have enriched my life and made it wonderful, and those are the ones I want to focus on.
I was a very different person than I am now when I first showed up. I had no idea how much I would grow over the next few years. I was very new to modeling, and almost no one knew who I was. I didn’t really even participate in most of the events for models, although I did do several shoots at that party. I worried that I didn’t fit in with the other, more established models, including some of the people who I now think of as very good friends! In general, I was pretty awkward. I was kind of still in my post-grad years where I wasn’t sure of my identity yet, and I think that the way that I dressed and presented myself suggested that to whoever was looking. I had pretty bad skin still, and didn’t know what I was doing with my hair or makeup in the least. It took me a few more years to figure this stuff out: I’m feeling pretty good about it these days, finally.
I had never switched before, and still didn’t really understand the social parts of bottoming, either. Roleplay and play punishment were still brand new things to me, and I was straight up uncomfortable with the idea of bratting. Asking people to play? That was a little much for me! Saying no to someone who asked me? That also wasn’t happening. I didn’t go to The Dark Party my first year because the idea of possibly witnessing sexual play made me nervous. I don’t remember if there was a little’s party or not at my first TASSP, because if there was, I definitely avoided it. I had not yet embraced that side of myself in the least, and was working hard to repress it.
And now? Look at how I’ve grown! I felt so in my element this weekend, whether I was bottoming, Topping, roleplaying, age-playing, giving a presentation or running an event. Like many people, I had my moments where I got overwhelmed and emotional, but I had my friends there for me, and these problems were quickly straightened out so we could all get back to enjoying the weekend. It’s hard for me to believe that three years ago, I was as meek as I was.
I see these changes in many of the friends that I first met at my first party, too. Years in the scene have helped us to find ourselves, and the friendship and support we’ve found there have helped us to grow confident. We’ve slowly been shaking off the years of shame and repression that we felt when hiding our kinks, and when we could feel safe being ourselves, we’ve truly flourished. It’s a beautiful thing to see.
The scene itself has grown and developed, too. It’s a slow process, but things are growing more diverse and accepting. This party was probably the most diverse one I’ve ever attended. There was a lot of racial diversity, people of a good mix of (18+) ages, lots of both seasoned party goers and newbies, those who were local and those who came from far away, people who are spanko purists and those from the greater BDSM scene who share our love of smacking ass, lots of LGBTQ people. I hope this trend continues to grow. It makes me so sad to think that there are people who worry they won’t be accepted in the spanking scene because of another aspect of who they are.
Dates tend to mean a lot to me, so celebrating my third years of parties by partying hard with lots of amazing people was definitely great. I can’t wait to see what the next three years bring me. I’m so ready.
I hope everyone had a good Valentine’s Day, and the week that followed it!
My holiday was relaxed, but lovely. For me, the bigger event happened the day before: it was the day that Paul came back from England. I had been counting down the days until this happened for ages.
Three months is a very long time to be apart from the person you love. Fortunately, the miracle of technology allowed us to talk over skype and to text at least a little bit every day, and we used an App called Wunderlist to allow him to see which of my chores and work I was getting done every day and what I needed to focus on.
I also focused on having fun and keeping myself from getting too sad. I spent lots of time with wonderful friends in Los Angeles, spent Thanksgiving with Christy Cutie and her family of origin, visited my friend James and Korey in Dallas for a week, spent three weeks in New York/New Jersey with family over the holidays and was visited here by Jon83, Thursday Night and Michael Valentine. Lily Starr, Robert Wolf, Tattoo Fairy and I went to Disneyland together for two days. I spent another day there with my friend Dot. All of this helped to keep me both busy and distracted, and I remained pretty happy and in high spirits, although there are always going to be times where I struggle.
During the time that Paul was away, the new ATVOD law came into effect, making the production of spanking videos in the UK illegal. I became the owner of Northern Spanking. My first spanking romance novel was published and was listed in the top 5 BDSM Romance books on Amazon shortly after it was released. I was voted Spankee of the Year for 2014.
In other words, a lot of time had passed since November, and I’d spent countless hours dreaming of the moment that I would first see Paul again. I could hardly sleep on the night before he arrived, since I knew he was already on the plane flying to meet me. In the morning, I had some chores left to do, since I always aspire to make the house as close to perfect as I can when Paul is getting home. I want it to be nice for him, and the house needs to be deep cleaned every once in a while, anyway. Once everything was done, I took a long bath, complete with a rose petal bath bomb. I put a treatment in my hair and a mask on my face and tried to relax a little, although my heart was beating a mile a minute.
Around six, I hopped into my car and headed for LAX. It usually takes me about an hour to get to the airport, and Paul was landing around 7:00, so I figured I would have time to find out exactly where he was going to come out of immigration. Unfortunately, I sat in traffic for two hours, and arrived around the time he was coming out of immigration. I met up with him a moment later than I would have wanted to, and after a lot of rushing, but it was alright. Everything was alright. The night was warm and I stood on my tiptoes as we kissed for a long while, troubles and cares literally melting away. I snuggled up to his chest and refused to let go. Finally, we carried his luggage back to my car as I chatted spastically. We drove to a diner for dinner before heading home. Paul was exhausted from the trip, so we snuggled up in bed pretty shortly after getting in.
The next morning was time for spanking, of course:
I recently became obsessed with my local Korean Spa. My girlfriend and one of our friends and I go once a week to soak in the big tubs, sit in the saunas, eat delicious Korean food and sometimes get rather violently massaged. One day I decided to get a full body scrub in order to make sure that I was truly soft and silky to the touch. The woman giving me the scrub commented that I had an awful lot of dead skin on my bottom, and she scrubbed it particularly vigorously. This was the strongest form of exfoliation I’ve ever experienced, and when she finished, it felt like my body had never been touched before. I quickly discovered that this also meant that my bottom was incredibly sensitive, and that every single smack stung with a strength and clarity that I hadn’t felt in years. I can’t decide if I recommend doing this or not: on the one hand, my butt feels wonderful to touch, but on the other, my tolerance was scrubbed off and washed down the drain along with my dead skin, it seems!
We spent most of Valentine’s Day cuddling and Paul caught up on rest for a while. Then I got dressed up (and forgot to take a photo, fail!) and we went downtown for dinner, which was most excellent. When we finished eating, it was time to go home for more cuddling and eventually sleep. I can’t really describe what the day was like. It was more of a long series of moments that we spent together, where every tiny thing was significant to me. Interlacing our fingers to hold hands. The sound of him singing quietly along to a song we both like in the car. Slipping into his jacket to cuddle against his chest. Being alone in my room but hearing the sound of him in the office and feeling my heart flutter with excitement at the fact that he was here. These little moments, loving the details of a person, are what romance is all about for me.
The next day I had sessions, but before that we snuck off for brunch with Spankcake at a diner that promised the world’s greatest pancakes. They were certainly good: fluffy and delicious! As is usual when I’m with Spankcake and/or Erica, we stayed until the last possible moment. Sometimes this is when the restaurant closes, but this time it was when I had to go home to get ready for work. The next day was President’s Day, though, and Spankcake had the day off so between bites of pancakes, we launched a plan for an adventure: we decided to go to Dave and Buster’s.
I only discovered Dave and Buster’s when James and Korey Johnson took me there when I was visiting them in Dallas in December but I fell in love with it instantly. An arcade which serves alcohol and snacks and has lots of fun games that “grown ups” like me can play? I was hooked. Korey and I had spent ages playing games last time, and had traded in our tickets for some candy. So, I was glad to find out that there was one close to me, at Hollywood and Highland.
The three of us carpooled in Spankcake’s car, which was a good thing, because I had recently discovered that they served alcoholic snowcones there and I intended to indulge myself in this department. We had a quick lunch and I had a delicious drink, and then it was time to go play games (while Paul went to go check out the set up they were doing for the Oscars).
We started off doing pretty well, and playing a few different games. We were hoping to get enough tickets so that we could each get a small stuffed Hello Kitty, so we needed about a thousand total. We were making good progress when we discovered there was a Candy Crush machine. This is a game every single person who has a cell phone or facebook knows how to play! Spankcake and I were doing well and collecting lots of tickets, especially when we would complete a level and get to spin the bonus wheel. We were so excited about this that we were jumping up and down. We discovered that we were only a few levels away from winning the big bonus, though, and through dedicated effort and team work we were able to accomplish that goal: an addition 1000 tickets.
Then we went to show Paul, who had returned and was sitting in the bar, just how great we were at games. He was impressed! When we cashed in the tickets we found out that we had enough to each get a pretty big stuffed animal, bigger than we expected by far!
Then it was happy hour, and time for more mixtures of alcohol and pure sugar!
After that, we ended up exploring the mall and I bought a bunch more panties, because that’s obviously the thing I need the most in my life!
I realize that this post doesn’t have that much spanking in it. It’s more “Alex in Happy Little Girl Land” but I’m okay with that. More spankings coming soon, trust me. ❤︎
I only have three more things that I really feel are important to share about BBW. The rest of the party was wonderful, but it was ages ago, and holy crap, really Alex? You need to get caught up. So, here are my final three stories. I’m totally writing this from TASSP right now. My inability to keep up to date with this stuff is OUT OF CONTROL. Additionally, I’m sorry that recently my blog has simply been a series of stories about adventures most of the time, in case anyone finds that boring. Soon, my life will be settling for a while and I’ll get caught up and back to my regular programing. I’ve had really ridiculously low traffic this month, so I’m sorry for whatever isn’t awesome about what I’ve been up to recently. I’m still here, and I’ll do my best to get back to updating regularly and excitingly as soon as I can!
There were a lot of British people at BBW, including a handful of my favorite people. I think it was Richard Windsor‘s idea to have a “Meet the Brits” party. I liked this party quite a bit because various people had brought biscuits and sweeties and other things that I was missing after returning to the US, and I munched on this stuff while socializing with whoever was around. At one point, Bad Alex and I ended up chatting to Mr. Allen again. I mentioned earlier that Bad Alex had sort of punched me on the knee earlier, and it had marked up. As the three of us hung out, I noticed this bruise again. “Mr. Allen,” I kind of whined, “Alex hit me. It left a mark, look!” He looked, and asked Alex if she had, indeed, hit me. She openly and unabashedly admitted to it, and probably included her trademark phrase: “sucks to suck!” As the victim, I was asked what punishment seemed appropriate and I suggested that she should be caned.
“Fine,” Alex said. “But tattletales get double.”
“Agreed,” said Mr. Allen.
Then my head exploded. Where was this rule every time that I did the tiniest little thing wrong and Mila felt it was her sisterly duty to tell everyone she could think of about it? It seemed to me that when someone tattled on me and I complained about it, the response was always “She’s just looking out for your best interest” or “She needs to protect herself.” The unfairness of the universe was overpowering. I probably stamped my foot, but I don’t remember.
Alex got her caning, which was enjoyable to watch. There was some sliver of fairness left in the world, because each of the six strokes obviously hurt, and everything is right when Bad Alex is experiencing something painful as consequence for her badness. Then it was my turn. “This isn’t fair!” I reminded everyone. “I didn’t do anything wrong!” Mr. Allen looked at me with an expression that suggested that I was close to earning even more strokes if I kept up my complaining, though, so I bent over the chair. They weren’t hard, full bodied strokes, but they weren’t overly playful, either. And, as the other stories in the previous posts will remind you, I’d played a lot that weekend. I was sore as could be, and each stroke made me whimper and yelp. Near the end of my thrashing probably at the tenth stroke or so, Lucy and Stephen came into the room and sat down at the end of the bed next to us. Lucy inquired about why I was being caned and Mr. Allen and Alex explained it to her.
“Yes, that seems quite fair,” Lucy said.
“WHAT?! Why does everyone think this is fair?!” I protested, making a scrunchy face at Lucy. (My blog doesn’t support me making the emoticon scrunchy face but you’ll just have to imagine it. A lot).
“Mr. Allen!” Lucy immediately called out, “Alex just made a horrid face at me!”
“Did you?” Mr. Allen asked and I nodded pitifully, unable to tell a lie. “You’ll be getting extra strokes,” he told me. In my mind, the amount of extra strokes was four, but it’s very possible it was actually two. My memory can be a bit faulty when it comes to these things, especially as time passes.
It was impossibly hard not to scrunch my face up at this announcement, but somehow I managed, knowing quite well that it wouldn’t be a wise choice. The extra strokes (however many they were) were harder, and I yelped more loudly than I had previously, shuffling my feet and grinding my toe against the floor. This was the first time I’d ever been punished for making a scrunchy face. It was not the last.
|The good and the bad!|
The spanking was brisk, and I was already sore, so I wiggled and squirmed around. When it was done, Rich got me up and got ellee out of the corner and directed us to bend over opposite sides of a small table, where we’d be receiving our canings.
|In position! (ellee is the cutest girl ever to live)|
He then gave ellee the first stroke, which made her yelp. After that, he walked around the table to my side, to deliver my first one. This process was long and very, very anticipatory. Anticipation can be a hugely positive factor in a scene for me, and a lot of the play that Richard and I have engaged in together has emphasized this. The whole set up served to get into my head quite a bit, which seems to be another big factor in the scenes that Richard and I have done. After I got each stroke, I saw ellee’s face as she got hers. We grabbed each other’s hands in solidarity and comfort, and I felt her squeeze me as things hurt.
|EVEN HER HANDS ARE CUTE!|
Eventually, we worked through all the strokes, except for the additional two that I’d be getting. At this point, I was greatly regretting my antics earlier. The caning had been quite hard, and I’d gotten a few on my thighs, making me cry out and whimper lots and lots. I wasn’t crying, but I was quite contrite and well thrashed feeling. The last two really “counted.” This is the way of the world when you earn extra strokes, I suppose. I considered going back to being an excessively good girl all the time, in order to avoid any more of these in the future. 😛
The scene ended with the two of us in the corner, then we had that semi-awkward moment where we broke character, then we giggled and hugged.
|So much sweetness.|
The final noteworthy adventure at BBW took place IMMEDIATELY AFTER THIS, and much running around was involved to get from this adventure the next. The next was the “Adult Speaking” boat cruise, which was really, really fun. We had to change quickly and then basically teleport to the place where the bus was taking us to the dock, except that we can’t actually do that, so we had to run really quickly through a big hotel instead. But it was worth it! It was lots of fun to hang out on the boat, once we all eventually got there.
I like boats. I like boating. I grew up in Southern New Jersey on the coast, extremely close to where we were boating at the time, and I felt very, very at home. It was a wonderful feeling to be able to be being myself, totally and entirely while I was in my home setting. I spent time with each of the people who had come on the boat that was special to me. I had a couple of drinks. I had Pandora take photos of me climbing stairs in my sailor dress:
Then, of course, there was the customary “Drawbridge spanking” where everyone lines up and gets spanked in front of a drawbridge, while everyone in their cars can see us. I was slightly embarrassed by this idea, but I went for it anyway. Joe (drlectr) spanked me. I love Joe.
|This is one of my all time favorite photos.|
That’s really all I have to say about the boat trip. I do want to share one more photo, because I feel that it’s a gem beyond compare. Here’s me and my darling twinsie, ellee, on the boat:
|ellee looks so thoroughly spanked. I don’t look to pale myself!|
This concludes my posting about BBW. Onward to further adventures! Thanks for your patience! I love you all! ♥
Although plenty of time passed between my return to the United States and my trip to BBW (in fact, nearly a month, I think) I’m trying to get caught up on things, so I’m going to focus on the most important parts of my adventures. The “problem” with my life is that I have had so many adventures recently that by the time I finish recounting one, I have gone off on at least another. For example, I’m currently in the middle of what is perhaps my favorite adventure I’ve ever embarked on, and I’m still a full month behind on my story telling. So, the best thing for me to do is to push forward and focus on the best parts. 🙂
In the middle of April, I left for New York to visit my surviving biological brother and shoot for Kelly Payne’s Tantrum Trainers before heading down to Atlantic City for Boardwalk Badness Weekend. I used to live in the New York area when I was a bit younger, and I grew up between Upstate New York and Southern New Jersey, so both places were a bit of a homecoming. My New York schedule was very tight packed indeed, and I didn’t really do a lot of socializing or visiting except with my brother. The most important thing that I did in New York was eat pizza. I did this literally every day that I was there. Growing up with the finest pizza on Earth really spoiled me, and going off into the world to discover that it kind of sucked everywhere else was the hugest disappointment that came with leaving home. The first time that I bit into a slice during this visit, I literally cried with happiness. I also was delighted that the weather was much nicer than it had been in Sioux Falls. I swapped snow for snocones, and was filled was joy.
|Snocones are one of my top 25 joys in life.|
Besides eating a tremendously unbalanced diet, the other highlight of this trip was, of course, filming. Kelly Payne was truly lovely, and I really hope to work with her again soon. The film that we did was challenging, though. I did it fully voluntarily, but it was very, very long (certainly the longest thing I’ve ever filmed without breaks) and had several things outside of my usual comfort zone. Thematically, it was about me being a prisoner in a women’s prison, where I was being interrogated about who was sourcing me drugs that I was distributing. I obviously refused to give this information up, resulting in lots of wicked things needing to be done to me to get me to that point. When I eventually *did* break down and give up my source (a lovely model named Ashely Rose, who appears in the sequel) my tourment didn’t stop, as the guards (played by Kelly and Miss Daisa) went on to punish me for having been so difficult in the first place, which hit every possible “terribly unfair!” button in my mind. The scene involved traditional spanking, flogging, caning and hairbrush spanking, all of which hurt quite a bit, although the hairbrush was by far the most difficult, as it was done at the very end. You know who thinks that a hairbrush over welts doesn’t hurt? Nobody. 😛
You can view promotional stills here. Be aware that these stills were taken during blocking, so that’s why you can’t see that anything bad has happened to me yet. 😛
The film fell only partly into my new “Dark and horrible” category, as my character was a real bitch, so it didn’t feel particularly victimizing. It did hit on another point that I’ve come to enjoy: resistance. I naturally don’t resist when I’m being spanked, and if I do, it’s minor. Why would I? I love being spanked, and the majority of my harder play has been in a submission oriented environment, where resistance isn’t appropriate in the least. I’ve struggled with trying to resist less and less, with learning to be entirely passive, to try to keep myself still and relaxed thru challenging stuff. As I’ve expanded my horizons in terms of what types of scenes I enjoy, I’ve found that it’s refreshing to me to do things that are drastically different than what I usually do. Being resistant, struggling, protesting, disobeying et cetera (in a film or a play situation where this is negotiated as acceptable) is sort of relieving. I don’t have to try to be good. I can do whatever I want. I don’t have to worry that if I work myself up too much, the scene will stop. That makes me feel both a sense of security and a sense of freedom, which is a nice mix.
After spending an enjoyable few days, I got on a bus to head down to Atlantic City on Wednesday night. I lived in Atlantic City when I was a teenager, and I spent a considerable portion of time there with my brother who passed away. I hadn’t been back in many years. I had a lot of emotions when I was taking the bus down, as it was the same trip I often used to take with a sense of desperation, as I often returned to A.C. in my earlier days in order to run from something. It was invigorating that I was going there feeling safe, to see people that I deeply cared for and to have adventures.
When I arrived, I walked up the boardwalk to the hotel and got set up for the night. I was staying with Tomdiscp and _Morgan that evening, and it was already fairly late when I arrived. I was all gross from traveling, so I took a nice, long bath while I waited for room service to come and bring me dinner. I had an enjoyable meal after that, during which time I discovered that Richard Windsor was already at the party, so I figured it would be nice to get to socialize with him a bit before things took off and he got really busy. I went down to the bar to meet him, only to discover that Pandora was also already there. This was a most delightful combination of people, and lots of hugging ensued. Rich let me wear his hat, as he sometimes does, and then he did something which made me feel tremendously special: he left the bar for a minute to do something and left his hat with me. Richard is very protective of his hat, as it’s something very precious to him, and it made me feel very trusted indeed that he would leave it with me, if only for a few minutes. It was wonderful to see Pandora again, as I missed her horribly since I had left her apartment in London about a month beforehand. We engaged in some of the time honored activity of “girls kissing in a bar,” which lead to a bit of staring that didn’t bother either of us. Then the bar closed, so the three of us joined a group of people going up to Mike Stien’s room. I hadn’t met Mike Stien before, but he was lovely, and I enjoyed chatting with him as well as the others. There was a lot of couch cuddling, which made me feel safe and delighted.
|This is kind of a silly photo, but I feel that it carries a lot of affection 🙂|
I was a very bad influence on poor Pandora, who had wanted to go to bed early to fix her sleep cycle a bit. I kept her up until the early morning, when she finally had the good sense to stop listening to me and get some sleep. Rich and I chatted a bit more after that, and I eventually returned to the room where I was staying and snuck in to get a bit of rest, as I had several very full days ahead of me. 🙂
I’ll continue in another post very soon! In the meanwhile, I need to get back to my adventuring. ♥
After having finished the two very exciting shoots that I wrote about in my last couple of posts, I spent a few more days with Pandora. The time that we spent just hanging out was always fun and enjoyable. We did sessions and had fun together. A huge portion of this involved me picking up her cat and not putting her down when she wanted me to. 😛 Eventually, though, Pandora needed to get back to the rest of her life, and I was meant to go visit S_F at this point. Unfortunately, his situation horrible personal situation had not improved, and he was unable to come get me or host me at his house. I actually didn’t end up seeing him at all, the entire time I was in England. Instead, Paul Kennedy and Lucy McLean were kind enough to agree to host me for the rest of the time that I was there. This ended up being basically the best thing ever.
Paul came to pick me up from Pandora’s, and we all had some tea and cake (although just regular cake, not Cake of Ultimate Joy™) before I had to say goodbye to her. I knew I wasn’t going to see her until BBW, which was about a month away, and this was sad for me, because I knew I was going to miss her. I hugged her a lot, and I harassed her cat as much as I could before I had to leave. As disappointing as it was to have to leave Pandora, I was excited that I was going to get to spend more time with Paul. I had found myself thinking about him pretty consistently since I left his house, and I was happy that I’d be seeing more of him.
When we returned to his house, I got to see his wife, Lucy, who I had only briefly met at Shadowlane last year. Lucy wasn’t feeling well that night, but being the horrible influence on my innocent friends that I am, I somehow managed to keep us up until the early morning chatting. Lucy is one of the coolest people to talk to ever, because she knows about an infinite number of things that I don’t know about, mostly lady things, and because she never makes me feel stupid or annoying when I have to ask a hundred and fifty questions about something. Additionally, she’s extremely kind, and I knew as soon as we finally got to sit down and socialize a bit that I really, really liked her and enjoyed being around her.
It’s hard for me to pinpoint the details of the time that I spent at their house and put it all in order. As before, I felt very relaxed and at ease while there, and the environment made me feel really free to be myself. Paul and I got to scene together pretty regularly, as well as just spending normal time together, and I found myself feeling very affectionate towards him– I think I spent the majority of the free time that I had while I was at their house cuddled up to him on the sofa. While it didn’t feel much of anything like the other D/s relationships that I’ve had, at one point or another I realized that I felt very submissive towards him, in a way that made me feel tremendously safe. Some kind of buffer of safety and comfort built up around me as we spent time together, and even though we’re away from each other now, it’s never gone away. In certain ways I felt tremendously shy about it, but I was slowly realizing that this feeling was greater than just affection, or caring or any other words that I might use to describe it aside from love (spoiler alert, we’re in a relationship now). But I didn’t entirely come to this conclusion until after I had returned home. At the moment, it was just a very happy time, in a place and with people that made me feel very contented.
One day near the beginning of this particular chapter of my never-ending adventure, Paul took me into London for what was kind of originally meant to be a variety of tourism events including hanging out at Camden Lock and shopping, but which turned into exclusively that, because I was so enthralled by it. It was cold and kind of constantly rainy, but I just loved walking around and checking out everything. If you don’t know, it’s an area that’s full of kind of alternative stores and vendors and it’s by the waterfront. I obtained several adorable things here, including a couple of excessively cute bunny related things and my very own prefect badge, which is something I’ve always wanted. In a vintage store, I found and got to try on some actual school uniform blazers (the fancy type) but none of them actually fit me, largely because they were all designed for boys of various ages. It was still super cool to wear, and I hope that some day I actually can find a real, legitimate one that fits me properly.
|I have this bunny shirt now. Also, this photo was taken at 13:37. Hawt.|
Shortly after this, a series of events that I now refer to as The Camden Pancake Incident took place. During this incident, Paul got me a pancake from a street vendor. This was basically a sweet crepe, and, for Angelinos, it was served sort of similarly to the ones that I used to get at Four Leaf: folded up on itself in a paper cone. I got it nutella, strawberries and whipped cream, which was basically the best combination of things I could think of, and it was hot when it was handed to me, which pleased me greatly due to my constant state of being kind of cold in England. “Don’t make a mess,” Paul warned me as I started to eat it, and I kind of responded with “Yeah, of course, obviously” or something.
I then proceeded to make a bigger mess than I have ever made in my entire adult life.
Because the pancake was hot, all the nutella and whipped cream melted together into some sort of drippy, creamy, chocolatey goo that got everywhere. It got all over my coat. It got all over my dress. It got all over my socks and shoes. It dripped in a trail behind me. It got into my hair. I probably got it on Paul. It was just impressively messy. I tried to clean as much of it up with napkins as possible, but that had limited success. I was just a sticky mess for the rest of the day. Later, when we got back to the house and I changed to go to bed, I discovered that I had somehow gotten it on my skin under my dress and on my underwear, which doesn’t even seem to follow the laws of physics to me.
Sigh. I’m an adult, I promise.
That evening, we went to a bar where I got to meet Leia-Ann Woods for the first time. She was really peppy and very entertaining to talk to, and I was excited that we’d be getting to see each other again at Boardwalk Badness Weekend the next month. On every occasion that we’ve been together, I’ve failed to take a photo. F – -.
That evening ended in a lovely way, as Paul and I went to dinner, and then took the train back to his town (on which I was very sleepy). The adventure finished with taking a midnight ferry ride, which was theoretically really enticing to me, but ended up being super cold. Fortunately, Paul took me upstairs to a giant heat vent, which I stood under and filled my happiness meter.
That weekend, we filmed for Northern Spanking. I often go thru and give a long play-by-play which describes the scenes that were filmed during a shoot, but this particular one is under-wraps. I’ll just say the following things:
* Besides me and Paul, the films involves Stephen Lewis, Michael Stamp and Zoe Page. There’s something incredibly, indulgently enjoyable about having four tops all to oneself.
* At one point, I wore this fancy outfit, courtesy of Lucy, who besides being amazing herself has all the most amazing stuff to wear ever:
* While we were planning out one of the scenes, Paul sat in this tiny chair, and I think this is the most endearing photo ever.
* Zoe dressed up as a cat and I somehow still managed to take her somewhat seriously.
* It became obvious to everyone that I don’t really know my left from my right particularly well and that I’m horrible at singing.
* Some parts of this were ridiculous.
The final adventure that I shall detail in this post involves Primark. I don’t think most people in the US know what Primark is, unless they’ve been around me recently and have asked me where I bought something I was wearing. Primark is a stylish (“fashion forward” I think is the term) but inexpensive store in England. A lot of the styles that they had were very “me.” They had an enormous selection of underwear and pajamas.
I bought all the things.
So. Many. Things.
I’m almost ashamed to post a photo, because I feel like it makes me look a little awful, but I’m going to anyway.
|This was only the first day. I went back. -_-|
Lucy and Zoe took me, and they were the best people I’ve ever shopped with. They were never annoyed at me for spending so much time, and they helped me try things on, and they told me when things did or didn’t look good on me, they carried stuff around, they took stuff into the dressing room for me… it was just amazing. Lucy fitted me for bras and I finally got some that looked appropriate on me AND are comfortable. The second trip involved me learning what kind of jeans actually don’t make me look stupid, and I’ve actually taken to wearing them fairly regularly (one of those developments in my personality that some people continue to be flabbergasted by). After the shopping adventure, I tried on literally everything in a fashion show, including every single pair of panties that I bought, which I think numbered at least 50. This whole “Alex bought all the things” event lead to me being kind of annoying to my friends at home when they want to know where I got something, because basically all the clothes I wear now come from this exhibition. This also lead to me promising not to shop for two months after coming back from England, which lead to me consistently getting myself a variety of forms of trouble, but most of that is another story.
There will only be one more post about England after this, and then I will post rather briefly about BBW, and then I have a few more adventures to describe before I am all caught up. PROGRESS! ♥
2012 was a year in which a lot of things happened. In all, it was a good year, although it certainly had parts that were difficult and not enjoyable. That said, the good certainly outweighed the bad. I’m going to take a minute to reminisce about all the relevant things which happened, going month by month:
January in South Dakota was cold and bitter and it involved a lot of me staying indoors and playing Zelda, which, after considerable effort and lots of me getting hit with a cane, I beat it! I got lots of spankings and other enjoyable violence that night, including this lovely memory:
Malignus decided that he wanted to hit me on the thigh AGAIN and that this time, he wanted me to bring him the aforementioned spoon. I was hesitant to do so, but did not protest. Again, I bared my thigh, and this time I buried my face in a pillow. The pain of it made my head explode, pretty much. He hit me more than once, and I found myself rolling around and freaking out. I became so not concerned with my surroundings that I hit my head into the wall a bit, but I didn’t even care. Somehow, I found myself curled up in Malignus’ lap sobbing while he comforted me and reminded me that he loved me and that I’m a very good girl. I know it sounds horrible, and it was, but at the same time, I loved it. I loved how happy indulging his sadism made him. I love being pushed that far. I loved that I had (mostly) accepted something that I hate. Lying there while I regained my calm, I found myself in this sort of otherworldly state of comfort– entirely spent, but the vacant space where all the fight in me had been was filled with a warm and enjoyable sense of comfort.
My blog post about defeating it was the first time that I got a post included on Chross, which was full of excitement for me. In terms of blogging, I had a good month for other reasons as well. I posted a lot and wrote two posts that remain popular to this day: the post which WYO refers to as “Ass Care” and my post explaining my various motivations for crying from a spanking. I also stirred up a bit of controversy by complaining about the kind of comments which I hate. This post resulted in me actually losing a friend, which is kind of pathetic, if you ask me.
In February, my blog was named Blog of the Month at The Spanking Bloggers Network, of which I was very proud. I also got my driver’s license and became a real adult. 😛 Malignus and I had our first Valentine’s Day together as a couple and I got spanked lots and lots. Near the end of the month, I went to my first spanking related get together: a cabin party in Indiana. During this party, I met lots of people who would go on to become extremely important in my life for the first time: Ten, Drlectr, ellee and YS are at the top of that list. One of the nice things about blogging is having a documented record of events, so when something later turns out to have been a significant moment, I can look back at what I wrote about it at the time. Here’s the story of the first time YS spanked me:
We then went back up to the house and ellee and I got to work on our coloring. This was interrupted by YS giving ellee a strapping, and later, by him doing the same to me for the first time. Getting spanked by him was pretty exciting. It’s rare that I meet someone whose Dominance I immediately want to respect, but I felt that way about YS. I felt like calling him “Sir” almost immediately, making him only the fourth person I’ve habitually used an honorific with, ever. When I got in position for him to spank me, he told me to ask for it (I’d just seen the way that ellee had done this). In most circumstances, when someone other than Malignus gives me an order (outside of things we’d discussed for a scene) I get all scrunchy faced. I might even respond with “don’t you fucking tell me what to goddamn do!” But when YS told me to ask for my spanking, I didn’t even hesitate before saying “Please spank me, Sir.” It’s rare but lovely to find someone whose Dominance inspires me, and it made playing with him very enjoyable. He spanked me quite hard with a London Tanners’ strap. It was lovely.
Also at this party, Malignus uprooted a small tree and hit me with it. I also got hit with a Sjambok for the first time and lived to tell the tale.
In March, Heather came back to South Dakota to stay with us for a few more months and it was wonderful. It was also in this month that we received a sjambok of our very own and I was very stupid and got myself into a bunch of trouble of the day that it arrived. Near the end of the month, I headed to Los Angeles for my first visit since moving and shot with a couple of spanking video companies.
My trip to Los Angeles bridged into April and I really enjoyed the rest of it. After that, April was a pretty slow month for me. I had some health issues and took considerable downtime.
In May, I traveled to California again to shoot for Sternwood Academy Volume 1. It was an adventure full of epic win, and one of the best times I’ve ever had on a shoot. I got to meet awesome people there like Ela Darling and Cheyenne Jewel (Pictured above with me and Heather). Later that month, Heather left to go to Texas with her boyfriend who had returned from Korea. It was a sad time, and it took a lot of adjusting to not having her around.
The major highlight of June was the Texas All State Spanking Party, which Malignus and I attended. This was both of our first national spanking party, and we had an amazing time. During this party I first “got together” with Drlectr and Ten, although I was somewhat shy about this and didn’t blog about it at the time. I also got to meet Pandora Blake and Amelia Jane Rutherford for the first time at this party, and that was really wonderful. I can’t wait to see them again when I go to England next year. I participated in my first “Naughty Schoolgirl Party” at TASSP, described here:
First, we had to line up to have our skirts measured by Dana Spect. The skirt I was wearing was a real school skirt, and it came down nearly to my knees, unlike many of the sexy skirts other girls had on. After holding a ruler up to me, Dana lead me to the front of the room and announced that I was an example of a good girl and that my skirt was what the other girls should aim to look like. I was beaming with pride. Praised in front of everyone? Yes please!
I did quickly realize that being a goody-goody-Hermione-Granger type wasn’t going to get me very much attention with everyone else throwing pieces of paper, launching darts and sneaking beer into the classroom, though, so I figured I had to do something at least a little naughty at a naughty school girl party. I had a package of Fun Dip in my purse which Malignus had won for me the last time we’d gone to the arcade together, so we started eating that very obviously while we were supposed to be learning. Heather, Zoe and I were quickly pulled aside and given OTK spankings and warned not to eat any more candy in class. It was the first time I’ve ever been spanked in front of a live audience before, since a group of other guests were gathered in the back of the room watching the proceedings. I kept myself in the “performer” part of my brain that I use when doing videos and made sure to kick and squirm! It was lots of fun.
On a much less enjoyable note, June was also the month during which I was outed to my family of origin, something which created a struggle which is still somewhat in effect now, although things are much better than they were.
That’s the first six months! To make this post more manageable, the second half of the year will be described tomorrow.
On Saturday morning, I woke up with anxious excitement. I casually cleaned some things up, although I was distracted. I kept my phone in hand no matter what I was doing, and made careful observation of the time. I had told Malignus that on this day, he’d be getting his birthday surprise, and I know that he was aware that this was the cause of my vigilance. Still, I tried to be as relaxed as possible, and I paced myself as I killed time. Finally, I decided to take a shower and get dressed. After that, I figured I might as well throw some makeup on– I wear makeup about half the time, and while I hadn’t originally been planning on it, my skin was a bit broken out and, more importantly, doing that would take up more time. I was halfway through doing so when I got a call. ellee had arrived.
Unbeknownst to Malignus, ellee, PTL, Heather Green and I had been planning the greatest surprise that I’d ever planned for someone. We’d been working on it since October, and after many ups and downs, things were finally coming to fruition. The original plan had involved having all three girls secretly travel to Sioux Falls to visit, but PTL had to drop out due to the constraints of her responsible, adult life. Planning this had been incredibly difficult, mostly because I’m not used to having anything going on in my life which I’m not discussing with Malignus. It involved a lot of sneaking around, which I’m not used to. I had to start taking phone calls outside to discuss logistics, and that meant being cold a lot. Not being able to get PTL out was a big blow, and I couldn’t explain why I was disappointed that evening. Both Heather and ellee got sick right before they needed to travel, and I couldn’t explain why I was so nervous when that happened. Heather’s flight time changed, and the plan regarding picking the girls up from the airport in Omaha (which is a much more economical airport to fly into than Sioux Falls, but is three hours away) got very screwed up and I had to figure something else out while walking around the neighborhood in the cold at 10 PM talking on the phone. But most days, I just felt like I had an overly excited bird in my chest whenever I thought about things. I’d never been so happy to do something for someone else in my life. I kept losing sleep due to this excitement. I grew paranoid that I would accidentally do something which ruined the surprise, and I very nearly did once. But finally, the time had arrived. ellee had landed earlier that afternoon and rented a car. She had finished driving to our apartment and was in the parking lot.
I got my shoes and coat on and ran down to see her. We had a lot of hugging and bouncing with excitement, and then got her things out of the car and prepared to go in. We finally came in and announced the surprise. Malignus didn’t respond in a way which suggested that he was startled or anything. He just had his most happy face on. He and ellee hugged for a long time, and then I gave ellee a tour of my apartment, as it was her first time visiting, and I introduced her to my guinea piggies, Tesla and Newton. After we finished with that, ellee went to get changed and Malignus gave me a big hug while he thanked me for this. He was clearly super happy, and he didn’t know that he had only gotten half of the surprise. 😀
Meanwhile, Heather was on her flight to Omaha, and would be arriving in a few hours. Because she is not of the legal age to rent a car without having to pay an incredible amount of money, I needed to go pick her up. I told Malignus that I wanted him and ellee to get to spend some one-on-one time, since they had only previously hung out during parties and hadn’t seen each other at all since he began the process of becoming her Dominant. This isn’t a lie– I wanted them to have that time because that’s incredibly important. It was also a convenient way for me to make my exit to go speed (er… drive exactly the speed limit) off to Omaha to gather up Heather.
Apparently ellee and Malignus had a great time while they were on their own and Malignus didn’t suspect what I was actually doing. One thing which is great about him is the fact that he doesn’t really pry. If I say “I’m doing something right now,” he often doesn’t even ask what, exactly, that something is. He just trusts that if he needed to know, I’d tell him. So when I told him that I wouldn’t be getting to dinner until around 7:45 instead of the 7:00 we’d planned on, he didn’t ask me why. He just enjoyed the extra ellee time that he was getting. Meanwhile, I arrived at Omaha, found Heather, hugged her madly and jumped up and down some more. I haven’t seen Heather in a few months, and it was really too long. Malignus hadn’t seen her since June, and I knew that it was really starting to get to him, and I couldn’t wait for him to find out that she was here. After taking a quick second to look around and reminisce (as the passenger pickup area of the Omaha airport is where, accompanied by Heather and a similar amount of excited butterflies as were in my stomach at the moment) I first met Malignus in person just a year and a half ago) we were off. The drive went by much more quickly when I was with Heather (who was kind enough to take the wheel and give me a break), and we chatted about a whole plethora of things. We kept coming back to the fact that Heather recently became engaged, though. It’s a pretty exciting thing, and I’d been waiting to give her an enormous hug ever since I first heard about it. I may have even hugged her while she was driving, which I don’t think you are technically supposed to do.
Finally, we made it to Sioux Falls, where Malignus and ellee had just arrived at the restaurant where we’d be eating dinner. It was fortunate that a table for three is always actually a table for four. Snow was falling in big, fat flakes, and the wind whipped around us coldly as Heather and I rushed from the parking lot to the doorway of the restaurant. I was so excited that I kept forgetting to breathe. We made our way in and were pretty much immediately greeted by the sight of the two them at the table. Malignus saw Heather right away and exclaimed “Oh my god, you too?!” There was a lot more hugging, and we explained what, exactly we’d been up to. We also explained about PTL’s intended involvement but unfortunate lack of presence, and we all agreed to skype her once we got home.
|Oh hi! We love you! Heather, Malignus and ellee (who is hiding her face, but totally smiling, too!)|
The dinner was just incredible. It was one of the happiest meals ever. There have only been a few times in my life that I was so happy that I experienced a certain kind of derealization, a sense of shock at just how good my life was at that moment and difficulty accepting that this was really the case. I felt that way when I was accepted to college, during my first spanking, when I first flew on an airplane, when I visited England and Japan and the first few times that Malignus and I were together. I basked in that feeling now, beaming with pride that I’d really been able to pull this off. Malignus never stopped smiling during that meal. Everything was perfect.
We spent the evening hanging out and enjoying each other’s company. Gifts were exchanged and cuddles were given. We went through our collection of implements, telling stories about many of them and giving out “test swats” with a number of them. After that, we spent some time chatting with PTL on skype. It was sad that she wasn’t there in person, but due to the miracle of the internet, we were able to have lots of fun with her, too. We went to bed really late, and I slept incredibly well, not having the nervous excitement of this upcoming event to keep me awake.
The next morning we got up and went into town. We had no particular plans, but Malignus wanted to take ellee to see our local Butterfly Sanctuary, since she’d never been there before, so we did that after brunch. The butterflies were very fond of ellee, and kept riding on her. One got particularly attached and clung to her for most of the time we were there, even laying five eggs on her. Butterfly eggs are small and iridescent. I had never seen them before.
|ellee’s BFF hitching a ride.|
After the butterflies, we stopped to stock up on supplies and then went home to hang out for a while longer. During this time there were plenty more spankings, including a demonstration of something which has been a nemesis of mine for a while now– towel snapping. Malignus is very proficient at hitting me with dish towels. He can make bruises and welts with a dry dish towel through my clothes. He started off by giving each of us a number of snaps with the towel over our clothes as we danced around, but this was so enjoyable that he decided to wet the towel to make it more effective and have us take our skirts off, so that he could hit us on our bare bottoms and legs. Due to the fact that we were just standing there and squirming, and because the “implement” weighed basically nothing so there was no risk of damage, there was a lot of hitting on the fronts of thighs and flank areas. Also, there was crying on my part. Stupid towels! So much sting!
Another “fun” activity involved Malignus hitting us on the fronts of our thighs with Twizzlers, something which I have only experienced while messing around with Beth Eisley and PTL. Malignus hits harder than PTL (yes, we already knew this). I still have some licorice shaped bruises, and ellee’s bloomed into something that could easily be mistaken for cane welts. The policy became that if one of us wanted to eat a piece of the candy, we had to be hit with it first. I feel that if all junk foods in my house could somehow adopt that policy, I’d have reached my trimming-up goal a long time ago. 😛 We still have a nearly full bag of Twizzlers. 😛
We went back to Sioux Falls for dinner, and then returned home to watch movies and have more spanking fun. I didn’t get any “full” spankings during the weekend, and that was basically the right way of things. The private, one on one time was dedicated to the girls that Malignus doesn’t get to see most of the year, and I was just filled with compersion for everyone involved. After dinner, though, I did get a number of swats with various awful things, as did the other two girls. The focus seemed to be on things which make weird marks, like a heavy plastic spoon with a hole in the middle that leaves an eye-shaped mark, the evil pasta measuring device with it’s several large holes and a twisted, delrin loop.
I also got hit with the rubber tred paddle that Malignus has named Old Glory a few times. It’s a challenging implement for me, because my first real experience with it was during a very hard disciplinary spanking, so I always associate it with hurting basically the most out of everything in the world. It *does* hurt an incredible amount, and I was slightly shaken after just six strokes with it (I originally got four, but I asked for two more because I wanted to do a better job of taking them calmly for my own personal reasons ^_^).
|Post scary implement hugs tiems!|
The evening finished up with movie watching and lots of banter. ellee had to leave in the morning, but Heather was staying with us until Wednesday, and I think that breaking up of things made the separating a little more bearable for me.
|ellee, selecting movies without having to actually sit down. 🙂|
The next morning, Malignus and ellee spent lots of time alone and he gave her tons and tons of spanking to hold her over until next they met, and to ensure that her trip home was very uncomfortable. 😀 Heather and I hung out during this time and started to fall back into the routine that we had when we lived together and spent lots of our time just chilling. I love that about Heather– even if we aren’t always in contact, as soon as we are, we just pick things up without any awkwardness or difficulty transitioning. When ellee opened up our front door to go put her bags in the car after things were finished, she found that there was a package waiting for me. Apparently my Christmas gift from her husband and my Dominant, YS, had arrived. She encouraged me to open it then. I realize in retrospect that I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to wait until Christmas to open it or anything, and I didn’t ask, but ellee was being really cute about it so I just did it then. -_-
He got me basically the cutest bear in the whole world. It has curly fur and a bow and a cute but sort of serious face. I’ve never had a Dom who bought me stuffed animals before, and it made me feel very snuggly and loved. I’ve been doing a lot of bear cuddling ever since. 😀
As ellee was leaving, I decided to give her my stuffed Tux penguin to take with her. This way, she can cuddle it and fill it with ellee love until we see each other again, when I’ll get it back from her until the next time we see each other when she’ll get him again! I am very glad that ellee gets to have some time cuddling him, because obviously ellee really loves Tux (once, when a friend was complaining about something in Linux, ellee whispered the admonishment “Tux can hear you! You’ll hurt his feelings!”).
It was hard to see her go, but Heather and I had big plans for the day. Malignus gave us two simple things that he wanted us to work on that day: going to the storage locker and messing around with some hooks on the wall so we could hang up some Christmas lights which ellee had brought for me. In true “Heather and Alex together” fashion, we ended up getting neither of these things accomplished (it was sort of not our fault) and instead went to the mall and indulged in lots and lots of girliness while Malignus was at work. Because of some kind of birthday miracle, we managed to not get in trouble for this, either. Ten points to Heather and Alex. After we finished hanging out (I was going to say we were good because we didn’t buy anything, but I guess that the other information included in this paragraph kind of cancels that out) we met up with Malignus and went to see The Hobbit. I’d already seen it once, on Friday night, but I was happy for a repeat viewing and it was Heather’s first time watching it. Everyone enjoyed it. 😀
Because Heather had to leave our house to get to her flight at 1:00 AM on Wednesday, Tuesday was the day during which we wrapped things up and got ready to say goodbye to her. It was pretty hard to see her go, but I know that we will be with her again, soon. I spent today cleaning and feeling kind of mopey about not having company anymore, coupled with taking care of Malignus, whose “ellee and Heather withdraw” symptoms are manifesting like a mild case of the flu. Still, I know I’ll see her again soon, and that many amazing adventures are waiting for me around the bend. When one ends, it’s always just the turn of a page. Who knows what’s waiting in the next chapter?